I wish I was a father

[CervezaWhaat889]

I'm a first time mum to a 14 month old. FML. His dad is actually very patient and fun and spends a lot of time with him. But I'm the ONLY source of comfort, the ONLY one that can put him to sleep, the only one that always thinks about his food and snacks (severe allergies, meals are not simple), just responsible for everything. I'm also the breadwinner BTW and went back to work when DS was 8 months old. I'm also fat and in extreme pain, still, because of pregnancy. Don't think I can even face the thought of another one, not that my body could actually do it even if my brain accepted the risks.

I'm so tired. DH is so fucking perfect and has such an easy life and I sometimes just hate him for it. My life would be so much easier as a man. I need a wife.

I know many will come here and tell me about their perfect husbands who do 50/50 everything but in real life, my life, he's better, much better than most of my friends' husbands!!!

@CervezaWhaat889 But that's your choice? Is your lifestyle a particularly advantaged one? You could live in a smaller house and work less, for example?

I was fortunate(?) In that breast feeding wasn't working for me so we bottle fed. It did mean that we shared feeding and changing etc. OH loved being dad and was more than happy being hands on. After I went back to work he was the main child carer. Downside was they were very much daddy's girls and when they needed comfort it was daddy not me they wanted. I can tell you it was tough being rejected by my girls for my husband when they wanted attention.

It may be rough always being wanted but it's better than being the one they'll make do with till dad's available.

Welcome op. This is motherhood and life for many of us and it fucking sucks. Sit down and make yourself a cuppa. It’s a long ride.

Yep - “a great dad” appears to mean “does not feed the child to a tiger”.

Where as being “a bad mother” means “is unable to simultaneously be a full time mother, work full time, look like a fucking supermodel, cook Michelin starred food from scratch every fucking night, live in a show home and never ever complain”.

Ooh - I feel a bit better now.

Ok - speaking as someone who is over a decade ahead of you on this crap - there is no point in waiting for your husband to realise that you are falling apart and offer to lighten your load. You have to take it. When is your child the least clingy? Maybe a weekend afternoon? On Saturday afternoon you put your shoes on, grab your bag and then say “I’m exhausted. Saturday afternoons are now my time. I am going out.” And then you go.

You can also say “if you call me back for anything that will not feature on the ten o clock news then I will divorce you” but that might be a little combative so maybe hold that one back to start with.

If he won’t show up for you like he’s supposed to, then I’m afraid you have your answer. Handing off your toddler and telling him you’re going to do x,y,z for an hour or two every week that isn’t parenting or housework IS an option.

so you carry on like this but have a lifestyle that you value

or you earn less and have better work / life balance / better wellbeing

you have a choice

I have a friend who just announced she's pregnant with her first. I honestly sat there thinking she's ruined her life and I felt so, so sorry for her. I obviously didn't say anything but on the inside, I just dread her future.

Got it. Appreciate you are venting. But when you think about where you need more support (night time, allergies) and what your DH could do, are there ways he could step up? (Yes he should think of them himself but…)

Op you have a DH problem, he needs to
be a parent which involves taking on some of the work and not just being a playmate/friend for your child. Why can’t he do the food shopping and prepare snacks/nursery bag? Or whatever else needs doing. Write a list of everything that needs doing for your child, make him choose his half and then don’t do it for him.
Alternatively, can you afford to pay for help? I pay for help to maintain my senior job. I can’t do it alone and DH also has a senior job.
Childcare or family nearby to give you a scheduled break on the weekends?
You have my full sympathy, you are right in the storm and you need support from those around you. DS is 4 and I still feel like all I do is work and childcare but it is getting better slowly.

At the very least you need regular dedicated time to yourself each week to recharge. A do-not-disturb bath, an hour with friends or alone at a coffee shop, a gym or yoga class, a walk, a knitting/book club, an hour shopping/mooching, whatever allows you to switch off mum mode, relax and feel like yourself.

If your husband won't facilitate that, he's definitely not a good dad.

OP this sounds unsustainable. First of all, stop doing all his meals. Your DH needs to learn. Tell him he’s doing them this week, no questions asked. My DH was a bit shit for a while at providing food for DC, until I literally didn’t do it for a week so he could learn. He should know how to prepare dairy free food. It’s not that hard.

I hate to say it, but stopping breastfeeding will help you enormously in terms of feeling better in yourself. Look up the ‘Blissful Baby Expert’ for tips on this.

I promise you, you’ll feel more like you as they get older. Mine are 7 and 4 now, and things like sleep and doing things for me are so much easier. For now, though, your DH needs to step up. Would DC take a bottle of expressed milk at night? This is what we did to wean both DCs off night breastfeeds (they’d had an expressed bottle a day since 2 weeks old though, so we didn’t have the bottle rejection problem).

Maybe your pregnant friend won’t be working 50 hours, maybe make sure the parenting is shared.
parenting really does not require a working mum to have their life ruined -
you are trying to do more than is tenable-
that’s the problem

Ask your hysband to step up. Leave things and child to him. It's a choice. They will work it out.

Sounds like your income is pretty high. You say your DH is government, which I assume you mean civil service. So he must be on at least £30k and then you on at least £90k if you earn 3x more.

Outsource. Outsource. Outsource.

Go away for a few days and let ‘the perfect dad’ run the show for a few days!

She will be working just as much, she works with me!

Sorry but don't be a dramaqueen.
Sort your life. Having a child isn't the end of the world. Even single parent earning less than you with no husband supoort handle it daily.

Who says I'm not handling it? Frankly, I'm doing a very good job of it too.

I'd just have a much easier ride as a father, that's the point.

You have not ruined your life OP.

You have changed your life.

if you are the main breadwinner, and maintaining that for your child’s future opportunities is so important to you. Make a plan.

perhaps you need something like an au pair. Or live in nanny.

the current situation is not sustainable but it is not because of you. You cannot possibly do and be everything for everyone as you were pre child.

I couldn’t have children, and worked like you do. Then adopted, then had two. I could understand no circumstances have worked my previous hours whilst sleep deprived and breast feeding. Think about your clients, or customers as well.

At the end of the day, nobody has it all without help. My give was work. We now muddle along on a much reduced but calmer and happier life. Others employ help.

Well then she is indeed setting herself up for more fatigue / misery than necessary…

so you don’t actually wish to exercise agency and engage with making positive changes for your wellbeing - you just wish to vent about your husband … OK !!

@CervezaWhaat889 You sound resentful of your DH having a less well-paid job? Find a job that also earns 30k and you will be much better off emotionally. My husband and I earn considerably less than 60k pa both working but we are both also present for our daughter and happy together. That is priceless.

Tbh why fuss about your coworker? Lot of people have children and make the best of it

Ask your husband to step up. You and your husband earn far more than most parents. Outsource. You could have a great family life if you choose to change your mindset.

Yes, the entire post is venting about how much easier DH and the other men I know have it.

Being a father to a 1 year old is a hell of a lot easier than being a mum and tonight i reached my limit and needed a vent.

People telling me to quit my job so I can have time to do MORE housework are missing the point.

i agree !
I’ve lost patience with OP now …
if you are resistant to making changes, it’s just a whinge -

But even making changes- that's another thing for ME to do. You're essentially telling me to sell my house, buy a new one, re-train and find a new job so I be home more to do more housework. Because I happen to be both the woman and the higher earner.