To have an intense dislike of this child?

[MummyOf3abc]

I know I’m probably BU but as this is an anonymous forum I feel I can be truthful! I have an intense dislike for a neighbours kid. I have not ever felt this way about anyone, but I can’t help it. I’m wondering if I’m BU (probably) or would you also get annoyed by this kids behaviour. Here is a snapshot but remember it’s just a snapshot I’ve put up for nearly 3 years with her:

shes a neighbours kid and I know the mum very little, Her child (11 years old now) always knocks on our door to play with my DD (age 10) I let them play but I find her attitude so off she will for example argue at every point with me. DD didn’t want to play with her Saturday as she had a project for school but the kid knocked twice I told her DD doing work, she came back 30 mins later, I told her again, she huffed and puffed and demanded to speak to DD! My daughter came to the door and the neighbours kid in a very authority role voice told her to leave her work and play! I told her she will find her when she’s done and shut the door. She came 10-15 mins later with another girl whom DD really likes and I like too, I said it’s fine she can take a quick break. They all went into our garden and the neighbours kid using our outside tap started throwing water on the trampoline! I told her to stop as it’s dangerous and she in her usual attitude said “well we won’t play on it then will we”. I got a little cross at this point and asked her if she throws water on her own trampoline in her garden to which she replied no as her mum wouldn’t be happy. I then asked why is it okay to do to mine then which she ignored.

this is just ONE incident I could write many more! For context my DD never calls around to hers, she will call around to other kids but not her.

I really intensely hate this kid, please advise! I don’t have the heart to tell her to do one and never come around as she’s just 11 but God I’m losing my patience

You need to be firmer OP. I can be guilty of being a people pleaser but I wouldnt stand for people being downright rude to me, even children. Its not setting a good example to your DC either, that your permitting others to treat you like this with no respect

OP you're letting her walk all over you, but you're also modelling this behaviour to your daughter. This is a really great opportunity to show your daughter how we respond when people speak rudely to us.

As for the specifics, I'd be throwing her out the very second she was rude. She doesn't live with you, you don't need to tolerate it! Take her by the arm, walk her out. "You don't speak to people like that young lady, we can talk about you coming to play again when you've found your manners."

You don’t hate her you just hate the feeling of being totally unable to manage her.

You need to learn to stand up to people at some point so it may as well be now.

Next time, open the door and don't speak, just raise your eyebrows

When child speaks, say: 'not today' scowl and shut the door.

Why on earth are you trying to 'people please' a child you hate? That makes no sense.

What’s this behaviour called? Is there a word for it*

Yes, it's rudeness-you know that so stop putting up with it.

Well, that's why. Kids will be kids is obviously true by definition, but they are kids and need to be parented. Just because mum is a professional does not mean she is a decent parent; lots of the best parents don't work/have non-professional jobs. In Subway, I saw a woman who is a social worker let her children speak very rudely to the staff; my mum would never have let me do this. Of course some children have additional needs/we all have bad days, but if we choose to have kids, it's up to us to teach them to be respectful.

Do you have a mirror? If not, buy one. Stand in front of it & say 'No' firmly as many times as it take to become second nature. Next time she knocks, you will find yourself saying 'No' automatically. It rather sounds as if the girl isn't used to hearing the word consistently so you'll be doing her a favour too.

Your daughter will end up just like you if you can't deal with an 11 year old.

"She's not coming out" on a loop.
Shut the door in her face before she gets a chance to answer.
Stop remaining polite in the face of such insolence.

"No you are not coming in" shut door, on a loop.
I wouldn't want her around my child.

What will she be like at 15?
Hanging around with your child.
Kill the friendship now.

All of the above. When the child, and it’s a ‘when’ with children like this, makes a massive ongoing thing of particularly wanting to be your D’s friend, you will have to dig in further. I have experience of all this and any rejection makes these ch absolutely hell bent on getting what they want. The child I’m thinking of is dangerous when thwarted, and I don’t say that lightly.

She sounds like the little girl I used to play with in my parents village when I was pre school, then occasionally after going to different schools. Honestly this girl was a menace - like a little dictator. I think you do right standing up to her and making sure your dd knows you have her back.

The girl I’m thinking of was the only other little girl my age in the village I think so we were a bit thrown together.

Sorry - I should have said you would do right to stand up to her!

To be honest you have much more power and control than an 11 year old does and I think you could be stronger in your interactions with her.

She doesn’t see you as an authoritative figure and I think it’s because you don’t have any rapport with her parents. Each time she does something poor, you should be discussing her with her parents and be willing to rock the boat and get rid of her. Also she’s clearly in control of every social interaction and outing, so it’s awkward for your daughter too. So you being passive isn’t helping anyone out, be happy to be the bad guy on occasion and be firmer.

Also if you had a ring camera, maybe just interact with her through the camera and don’t open the door.

I would just tell her to stop or leave and if she does it again I’d say sorry you’re going to have to leave and ‘escort’ her out lol.
When she calls, can you see who’s at the door before you answer? If so as you’ve said your daughter never calls for her, I would just stop answering the door to her & if daughter isn’t bothered, tell her to do the same.
There was a very annoying girl who started joining us on the school run who used to annoy my younger dd, so in the end I said “sorry we want to walk home alone so we can talk” and I told her off every time she purposefully tried to annoy my dd.
You are the adult here, set and stick to the boundaries, and be direct.

Insolent

Then you need to view this as a learning experience, and a chance to practice standing up for yourself 😀

She knows you hate her because you wouldn’t let dd out until she came with a friend who you do like and let her take a break. This child knows you hate her now. Tbh she’ll probably grow up to be the CEO of some company. She’s a child, although obnoxious.

Apologies, as this is not the point of the thread, but what has her mother being a professional got to do with manners?? In fact, having taught in many different cities with very varied demographics it is often the children of minimum wage, non-professional parents who are the most polite!

Let me tell you about my new neighbours… parents and 4 children,very verbally abusive household even tho they,re quite middle class. I hear this when they are in garden or in driveway etc,intimidating,antoaganistic,sarcastic,the parents speak to each other and the kids horribly, its write shocking…. In turn i have heard the 9years,10 years kids speak the same way to their playmates on the estate….. so just stop and think for a minute as to how these children are being raised and the damage done by parents before slamming the door in the childs face ♥️

Could it be that her parents are really strict so she acts out everywhere else. I’ve dealt with a boy in our neighbourhood like this before, he was so annoying & my son didn’t want to play with him anymore so it made it easier to just keep saying he wasn’t home or couldn’t play today. His mum was so strict that he behaved impeccably for her & she couldn’t believe it when anyone told her how awful he had been at school or on a play date. If your daughter doesn’t want her over anymore just keep saying we are busy until the end of time

The child's mother sounds like an ineffective parent, both of you are being pushed around by this child! Time to show some backbone and make sure she doesn't get to carry on this behaviour on your house. Get her telt!

Like anyone who develops an intense loathing of someone, it’s telling you something about yourself. You’re resenting a mildly bratty 11 year old for not being compliant and people-pleasing like you.

You need to stand up to her. You can say things calmly and clearly - I've already said no, we will see you another day. You can say that in a pleasant voice but just don't back down.

In your example she does sound awful but demanding to speak to your child and then bringing back another one and you let them play In your garden 😳. She really is taking you for a ride and probably speaks to you as she knows she can get away with it, ( sorry).

I'd forewarn your daughter that you have noticed she had been rude and is asking until she gets what she wants so you have decided to stand up to her more, that way things like asking to go in your garden your daughter will know it's a no.

Christ, I long for the 1970's. In my street we'd never have dreamed of being rude to our friends' mums and if we had been, we'd find out own mothers had heard the story very quickly and we'd be swiftly and firmly told off.

What happened to basic expectations of courtesy? Of kids who had simply grasped, early on in life, that you got one "Can Sally come out to play?" and if you heard she couldn't come out to play you went off to amuse yourself in another manner?
My inner curmudgeon is about to explode.

Defiance

If she's a handful now at 11 - just imagine what she will be like in her teens.

She's quite insolent to you and I wouldn't like my DD to pick up on that behaviour.

She's also super manipulative, eg getting the other girl involved and bringing her round to help pursuade your DD... You should have said no to that as well, even though your DD likes the other girl, because it meant giving in to Madam.

I think you have to keep saying to yourself... "It doesn't matter if she or her mother don't like me." In fact they don't view you with any respect so you don't have to worry about "offending" them. If you do, they will keep your distance. Have some good firm clear lines up your sleeve.

Talk to your DD so she understands its not about her and that you are setting boundaries. I agree with pps that this girl is a bit of a bully. She stole things from your garden, you have it on ring door bell and her mum acted as if you were crazy and ignored it! It's up to you to make sure your DD knows that you are in charge and that this girl cannot ride roughshod over both of you.