To have an intense dislike of this child?

[MummyOf3abc]

I know I’m probably BU but as this is an anonymous forum I feel I can be truthful! I have an intense dislike for a neighbours kid. I have not ever felt this way about anyone, but I can’t help it. I’m wondering if I’m BU (probably) or would you also get annoyed by this kids behaviour. Here is a snapshot but remember it’s just a snapshot I’ve put up for nearly 3 years with her:

shes a neighbours kid and I know the mum very little, Her child (11 years old now) always knocks on our door to play with my DD (age 10) I let them play but I find her attitude so off she will for example argue at every point with me. DD didn’t want to play with her Saturday as she had a project for school but the kid knocked twice I told her DD doing work, she came back 30 mins later, I told her again, she huffed and puffed and demanded to speak to DD! My daughter came to the door and the neighbours kid in a very authority role voice told her to leave her work and play! I told her she will find her when she’s done and shut the door. She came 10-15 mins later with another girl whom DD really likes and I like too, I said it’s fine she can take a quick break. They all went into our garden and the neighbours kid using our outside tap started throwing water on the trampoline! I told her to stop as it’s dangerous and she in her usual attitude said “well we won’t play on it then will we”. I got a little cross at this point and asked her if she throws water on her own trampoline in her garden to which she replied no as her mum wouldn’t be happy. I then asked why is it okay to do to mine then which she ignored.

this is just ONE incident I could write many more! For context my DD never calls around to hers, she will call around to other kids but not her.

I really intensely hate this kid, please advise! I don’t have the heart to tell her to do one and never come around as she’s just 11 but God I’m losing my patience

“No, DD isnt playing out today.” And shut the door.

She talks to you like that because it gets her what she wants. You’re an adult woman and scared of an eleven year old. You need to be a good role model to dd and show her how to say no firmly so that in a few years time, she’ll do the same when she’s pressured into doing or trying something that she’s not interested in. I can’t believe you fetched dd on this girl’s command!

Ring doorbell and don’t answer 🤣 or simply say, sorry not today or that your DD will call for her from now on.

None (and I mean none) of my friend's parents 50+ years ago would have had the slightest problem with asserting their authority.

OP, you are the problem and I'd suggest you do something to fix it because "people pleaser" shows weakness not niceness especially when applied to kids who are taking the piss.

dumb insolence

If she is bullying you like this, what do you suppose she might do to your DD? Trust your instincts and say No.

11 is old enough to hear the truth.
"Can your child come out to play?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I would prefer for her not to play with you due to your attitude and behaviour. If you can be kind to me child and polite to me then we can think about it."

I think by being weak you are in effect exposing your DD to bullying. For instance on the occasion you describe DD did not want to play with her and said so. But the child then ‘demanded’ to speak with DD & somehow this was allowed. (Who gave into her ‘demands’?)

Your daughter needs to be able to rely on you to set secure boundaries around the home but this is not happening.

Next time she calls & asks for DD, say ‘hold on, I’ll ask’. Then SHUT the front door (leaving her outside) & go & ask DD. Make it clear it’s her choice. If DD does not want to play, go the door, open it, say no, & ‘don’t come back today’. If she does come back, say ‘I’ve already said DD is not coming out’ & shut the door.

If she does (through DD’s choice) come to play, if she misbehaves, immediately say ‘this is unacceptable and you need to leave now’. If she refuses to leave, call her mother & ask her to take her away. Be polite & explain you need her to be removed because her behaviour in your home is unacceptable. (Obviously you can’t manhandle her.)

I would not allow DD to see her outside your home given her behaviour. Certainly not in the other girl’s home. Maybe this will change in future if her behaviour improves.

Whenever DD sees her, ask DD afterwards how she feels about it, & reiterate that it’s her choice.

At the moment you are effectively facilitating this girl’s access to DD even when DD goes not want it. This is not right. DD needs to be able to rely on you not to breach her boundaries.

Well you gave in. Even 11 year old bullies will persist if you say no but then give them what they want. All you are teaching her is that it's worth while coming back. Again. And again.

I knew a couple of similar kids (brother and sister) and I had to be ruder and louder than I was comfortable with. Their mum seemed OK (a bit soft with them perhaps), then I met her husband and MiL and everything became clear.

I think she might be my friends daughter 😫
so challenging and I am not a shy person so I end up being v firm but it makes me feel 11!

My dd1 had a friend like this. First time she ever came round I needed a week to recover. Awful little brat. She even made a comment about one of my facial features when I came into the school to do some reading. She also tried to ruin dd1's birthday party as she wasn't the centre of attention. I then found out she had absolutely no discipline at home and her home life was quite chaotic. So I didn't totally blame her. Dd1 and her actually went on to become quite good friends but it took a long time and I didn't have her round our house for another year or so.

You are the one in charge here, OP, and the girl may well respect you more for being blunt with her

My DS had a friend like this. His DM was a single mum and let him and his brothers walk all over her. We were very firm about him coming over, after hearing what he was saying to the boys. Once I heard him speaking in that bossy tone to my DS we cut the friendship off. I couldn't see any good in letting the friendship continue with someone that tries to dominate everyone. And guarantee if she's rude to adults she will be encouraging bad behaviour from the other kids.
These days seeing what the boy has turned into (they don't even bother showing up to school) we were absolutely right to cut the friendship off.
Your DD needs to see you being assertive in doing what it right for your family, not giving in to someone just because they are a bossy little madam.

If she’s like this at 11, just imagine how she’ll be in a few years! She’s sussed out people’s weak spot. I knew kids like this when I was at school - believe me, she will (try and) lead your kids astray. She’s bad news.

My goodness what is it about modern life that means politeness is required at all times.
my daughter had some right little shits as friends of friends, albeit a little older 13 Ish.

i came home from work to be confronted with an invasion of teenagers in my house at 4pm, my daughter was overwhelmed and frightened by it all.

i had to wade into my house and drag them out one by one, and there was nothing polite about what i said.

suffice to say there was no repeat incident

I remember a few of us visiting a friend's house around that age and one of the girls started opening the kitchen cupboards and helping herself to a massive bottle of diet coke. The host's mum saw this and gave her a very short and sharp "you ask if you'd like a drink, its incredibly rude to just help yourself!" Girl put the bottle back pretty quickly. I secretly admired that mum at the time and certainly do now! The girl had no bloody manners whatsoever.

My point is in your house its your rules, ffs do not let ANY child come in and be rude to you! Start pulling her up on it every time, and if she doesn't listen you say right Jane time to go home now please. No discussions. Or just stop opening the door, that's the biggest joy of a Ring doorbell!

Sorry OP but you need to get a grip! She's a kid and you're an adult woman - you should be able to tell her that no she can't come round and play or that if she misbehaves in your house she will be sent home. You describe yourself as a doormat 🫣 it's time you stopped letting people walk all over you and toughen up!

At 11 I'd just tell her straight 'you're rude and I don't want you here until you've learnt some manners.'

I know a couple of kids who front up to adults like that. They're essentially likeable children and I'm fond of them, but they can be outrageously rude and dictatorial sometimes.

In their case, the family background is a high-conflict divorce with an aggressive father and an ineffective mother, neither of whom give them enough attention and both of whom 'weaponise' the kids to varying degrees against each other. The kids spend a lot of time being interviewed by various people - social workers etc. - and then a lot of time being sidelined by their own parents, both of whom have moved on with new partners. It must be incredibly confusing. Everyone is telling them that they're very important but no one is really listening to them or prioritising them.

I do wonder what's going on in the background when children behave like this.

Some of the most badly behaved kids I've taught are those of professionals... their idea of parenting is money and not time so kida are left to their own devices.

I'd make it clear to your DD that you find this girl rude and if she ever speaks to people like that she will be in big trouble.

Being disrespectful and back chat/answering back, as my mum called the latter.

We had kids who would come and knock for my son all the time, and they’d usually end up arguing. They would keep coming back every 15 mins or so if he said he wasn’t going.
i just kept telling them in the end to stop knocking and if he wanted to come out and play he would come and find them. They got the message eventually but it took a while!

If DD doesn't want to play with this girl, you, her parent, need to step up. You do not have to let any kids in your home or garden that you do not want in your home or garden.

"I'm sorry, DD is busy, she can't come out to play today"

"I have already said no, DD can't come out today. No, I am not going to argue with you. Please go home or go and see if any of the other kids can play instead"

Rinse and repeat.

Maybe look up assertive communication strategies, or get some coaching to support you in asserting boundaries.

Sorry but how on earth are you so wet? Like hell would someone’s 11 year old be rude to me in my own house. That would just not happen. You don’t have to be unkind or aggressive just firm and brisk.

Evil !

I'd try directing her behaviour into useful things - if she's watering the trampoline you could say 'oooh, while you've got the hose could you water those plants?'

You can be clear '(daughter) can't come out today, we're probably home tomorrow from x o'clock'

If she comes back try concern 'are you ok? Do you want me to call someone for you? Is everything ok at home?' You might find there's something terrible happening (that's ok - you can phone the police / children's services / her school) and if not you've shown her one of the ways people react to obviously rude behaviour - they'll think something is wrong and start talking about it in ways that might cause her trouble.