To refuse to send my child to private school?

[libertybonds]

My emotionally abusive and status-obsessed ex wants to send our child to private school. Our child is very bright and we live in a nice area with well-regarded state schools.

He has a poor record of keeping a job, so the fees would almost certainly fall to me in time.

He has begun persuading / pressuring our child into wanting to go private, probably as a way of increasing pressure on me and also generally to bring them on side.

AIBU to say no, and stand firm?

I am morally opposed to private school and also I do not want to be stuck with the bill when my ex is sacked again.

How old is your child? Can you be honest and explain you're worried how they'd cope having to leave when dad loses his job?

9 years old

Dad has tried to triangulate many times in the past and it really stresses my child out. I try to shield them from any disputes with the dad. Also, I have learned that unfortunately family courts favour abusive dads over protective mums, so I need to be seen to be behaving beyond reproach, and I think talking about dad's employment history could be turned against me.

No, if you have the slightest concern about the fees falling on you. You would be providing him with something to try and control you with.

Unless he can pay for it all upfront, in which case look at all schools available (state and private) and decide which is best for your child. There are benefits to being in a decent state school (and benefits to being in a decent private school!).

That's be a big no from me. Stand firm. It's incredibly irresponsible to embark on private schooling unless affordability is of no concern at all. Not to mention completely unnecessary – especially in your case.

Not only do I believe fees would fall on me, I fully expect the dad would pay silly buggers and find some way not to pay any maintenance if he were also paying school fees. He's weirdly obsessed with money and ensuring he provides as little as possible for our child's care.

You don't need to pay all that money if you have a decent state school. I went to private, my dc to state. Mine enjoyed school more than me and came out with better results. I'd stand firm.

Speak to the bursar at the prospective school and let them know you would not be paying fees if father cannot.
Schools don’t like asking parents to withdraw pupils due to financial pressure so they would possibly take this into account before offering a place.

Well my dc love their private school but under the circumstances you describe I’d absolutely refuse too.

You could say if he pays the fees in advance (5years minimum to 6th form), then fine. For her security. See if that works. About 20-30k a year, depending on the school.

I've got 2 DC in private and there's no way I would send them if I had any serious qualms about affording the fees in future. And it's not just fees, it's all the extras - uniform, trips, and surcharges for all sorts of things from tennis or music lessons to SEN support.

I can't imagine there's a family court that would enforce sending a child to private school over state who isn't already in that school or that system, no matter how biased they are towards an abusive man. It wouldn't be in the child's best interests as it wouldn't be predictable for them long-term.

If he puts the money in an account (one thats a trust or can only be accessed by the for school fees of something) upfront that can gain interest and covers 90% plus of estimated fees - fine

Otherwise he can get lost....

I'm pretty sure many years ago there was a thread on here from a woman in your situation where her ex was trying to force her to pay private school fees, and it actually did go to court and she won. Does anyone remember it? Let me try and find it.

If you’re having to play the court game, I wouldn’t say that you are morally opposed to private school. People are weird about perceived criticism of the choices they make for their children and you could easily come across as judgmental.

Your worry about the finances is valid. If your ex can’t show that he already has the means and the security to guarantee that he will pay for your child’s education without disruption. You can cite concerns such as how much more expensive it becomes in secondary, it costs more now because of VAT, you worry about the sustainability of schools because of the VAT, the cost of all the extra curriculars and trips that would be unaffordable, the discrimination from universities against private school children when offering places.

Then list all the benefits of going to state school, locality, friends, community, that savings could be made to help with uni etc.

Would he actually bother doing the administration of setting it all up though? Most men wouldn't have a fucking clue or give a fucking fuck about signing all the forms, ordering the uniforms and setting up the apps to even pay for school meals and trips etc...

Any chance he will just run out of steam once he realises you wont engage with him on this and do all that for him.

Thank you. This is helpful.

I have mentioned my moral opposition to private school in the first instance, and because I think he will get nasty if I mention the insecurity of his employment. These are all good points to bring up when he inevitably persists in trying to force his way.

He NEVER gives up, and just badgers and harasses and wheedles and manipulates endlessly.

My ex wanted to send our son to private school post divorce.

I pointed out that she had a large lump sum that she had done nothing to earn and this would be more than sufficient.

That shut her up.

But yes, your ex is an idiot, he can put the money up front or shut up.

He is very lazy about most things, but will put in significant effort regarding things that are important to him.

He also never drops things that are important to him.

My expectation is that if I folded on this point, he would quickly push all of the difficult responsibilities onto me, but he would do everything necessary to get private school embedded first so I can't easily back out of it

Agree! Make him go to court over it if he really wants to. He’s the one that will have to pay and apply to court. Stay neutral, just say you can’t afford it should the fees fall to you. I doubt very much that he could be bothered to apply to the court, enlist a solicitor, apply to the school and then do all the admin. Grey rock him as much as possible without saying you actively disagree with private schools (in case it does go to court - don’t want to piss the judge off). The chances of the ex being bothered to do it and winning in court are slim I would say. The ex is likely just trying to find ways in which to punish the OP and he’s fixating on this because he knows she holds opposing views. Narcissists do this, I doubt he really cares what school the child goes to. I would be very casual in my responses to him.

Agree if he won’t commit to paying the fees throughout the rest of DC school years you are right to be concerned. It’s a lot of unnecessary disruption to move DC in and out of the state / private system because of money.

You can always get it court ordered that he pays the fees as part of a divorce settlement. My DP’s ex-wife got that for their youngest - that they go to a private 6th from and he is now paying 100% of fees even though he disagreed with the school choice.

Unfortunately, he really does care about this. He has a huge inferiority complex and is very obsessed with status. He will see our child's achievements and the status of the school as reflecting directly on his own success in life.

Many independent schools are selective or have priority entry from prep schools or feeder schools and can be quite over-subscribed. Others can be very average and perform no better than a good state school, and certainly vastly more poorly than a grammar. Not all are created equal.

If you have decent state schools in your area and your finances are not easily able to accommodate poor financial fidelity by your ex, stick with state schools. Just make sure that you are all over the faith school criteria (if you have good faith schools) or have tutors for the 11+, as the best schools, whether state or independent, are almost always highly competitive and oversubscribed.

Yes, I am super concerned about all of the extras, as well as VAT, inevitable fee rises, the pressure this puts on me to continue earning a certain amount, among other things!

My child goes to a private school and Im
divorced from her dad. Both of us had to sign a contract to say what % of fees the school would invoice us and then we receive separate invoices. Although that’s probably pretty useless as our contract also says we will pay the other parents fees if they default. So my point is that if Dad really pushes it, you could just say yes but only on condition he contractually agrees to pay all the fees (and you make sure school are aware you won’t be paying anything). Might make him back down??

FWIW, I’m also morally against private education (as is my ex-husband although he has stronger opinions against it than me) but we both agreed it was the best place for our daughter when it became clear her needs couldn’t be met in our local state secondaries (she’s autistic).

I don’t believe any Judge in this land could force private school if you tell them you can’t afford it though. Surely they can’t?!

@Adviceplease2022 No judgement for your decision to send your child to private under the circumstances! I understand that people need to make the best decisions for themselves, but it's really, really not something I am comfortable with for my own child under our circumstances, in which there doesn't seem so far to be a compelling need.

He would use it as leverage over you - waiting until the last minute to pay, refuse to pay at times - and since you wouldn't want your child's school life to be disrupted the buck would stop with you. Stand firm!