To refuse to send my child to private school?

[libertybonds]

My emotionally abusive and status-obsessed ex wants to send our child to private school. Our child is very bright and we live in a nice area with well-regarded state schools.

He has a poor record of keeping a job, so the fees would almost certainly fall to me in time.

He has begun persuading / pressuring our child into wanting to go private, probably as a way of increasing pressure on me and also generally to bring them on side.

AIBU to say no, and stand firm?

I am morally opposed to private school and also I do not want to be stuck with the bill when my ex is sacked again.

call the school(s) he’s interested in and find out (anonymously if you prefer) what contracts have to be signed and by who. I’m sure when my daughter went to a private school nursery both parents had to sign to forms. You can just not sign and that may solve your issue as they won’t accept him if the contracts aren’t signed. Make it very clear you expect there to be financial issues and I suspect they won’t even offer him a place.

My ex was like this. Was very very keen to get our DC into Eton/Harrow/the like. I didn't want him to go to boarding at all, on principle. I wanted to raise my own child! It was a deal breaker in mediation, and then when it went to court, he folded. I wasn't going to give in on something so fundamental to a child's upbringing. DC is in a private school, but our CAO has a clause in it recording our understanding that he would pay for it. If you can get a legal order saying that he is on the hook to pay fees, that could be one option.

I agree with others, I would not bring up the moral objection (which I understand, my DP is a (state) school teacher and feels strongly about this), but it won't hold much weight in court. They care about what is in the best interests of the child - not your moral stance on it, or his status consciousness.

I'd hold fast and let your ex take you to court, and let him lose.

If your child was well embedded in their independent school and had just sixth form to go, like @Addictforanex describes, such that it would be horribly disruptive to move them - or if both parents agree that it's the best option for specialist provision for a child's needs like @Adviceplease2022 that's a different kettle of fish - one can see in both those cases that it was in the child's best interests to remain in the private system.

But in your case your child hasn't even started yet.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I kind of meant call his bluff. If he knew it was all on him financially, I suspect he’d drop the idea pretty quickly. And no Judge would force you to pay surely.

As for the judgement point, I do kind of judge myself for dropping my morals. But I do a lot of volunteering and charity work (including as a Governor at a very deprived inner city state school) so that helps me sleep at night. Plus I think many parents would drop their morals if their kids were struggling like my daughter was.

I don’t know what to say really. I’ve had a very difficult ex and it’s torture, I’m coming out the other side now so it doesn’t late forever but I hope you can stay strong. I can’t imagine a judge ordering it but they do seem to favour abusive men!

Not unreasonable op, he could easily refuse to pay whenever he liked just to screw you over

stand firm

I agree with the PP who said talk to the school in question and explain you have a real concern that he will fail to pay in future as he does not hold onto jobs. And that you cannot pay.

They are not going to offer a place if they know there is a real risk of non payment.

This is a much easier route than court.

That is what I was going to suggest.

Private school fees should form part of the FO on divorce. My DD16 went private as she needed small class sizes for SEN. I would say don’t do it if you have no requirement for your DC and if your financial position is at all precarious.

Stepping out of the state system with an autistic child is insane. My friend did this. Absolute disaster. My other friend who could also have afforded private kept her autistic son in state and is sitting pretty.

Well not always @TheaBrandt1 i’ve got two autistic dc doing brilliantly at a private school after a
terrible time in state. The devil is always in the details and the specifics.

but - in op’s shoes I’d fight this horrible and delusional DH on the financial front as pp have said.

Same! Best thing we ever did pulling them out of a terrible state school that had zero SEN support and moving them to private. I really am genuinely curious to know in what circumstances State has been better for autistic kids as it’s really not been my experience (or the experience of my mum friends from SEN groups).

That being said, we did TONS of research and made sure the private school we chose had expertise in SEN support. We asked to speak to current SEN parents and we also sent our daughter there for a full trial week before we decided she’d go there permanently.

Same - but there is a lot of variation across school areas and options and specific needs and research is always important and pays off.

I actually think that going down the Moral Objections route makes your case weaker. IF the school was the best option for your child then you should overcome those and a judge may take a dim view of it
However you have valid grounds from a financial persepective so just ignore your Ex

Thanks. He will definitely continue pursuing this. I will have plenty of time to bring up my other objections. Even in my email, I said "moral and other reasons".

When he inevitably goes on the attack again, I can say that I didn't want to embarrass him by bringing up finances and his unstable job situation (true - but it's primarily because he is nasty when he feels attacked), and hit him with the long list of specific concerns people have mentioned here around aspects of the financial burden.

Depends what you mean by sitting pretty and a disaster. I could have done without 7 years of fees but the local state school is a shitshow for SEN and my DD16 with AUDHD has done really well in Private. Point is though for OP if there is no SEN and local schools are ok she needs to object on those grounds not moral ones.

I think you need to drop all mention of a moral objection to be honest. Your personal beliefs done trump his, and if he can show the school has better facilities or that your child prefers to go there then your on very shaky ground, as an argument it doesn't hold weight, but it also undermines the credibility of your other arguments because it looks like you are using the money as an excuse.

I would say if he wants to go down this route then you want a legal agreement drawn up that your maintenance isn't affected, that he shows that he has funds in place for at least the first two years and it's ring fenced, with a commitment to continue to pay into this account, he will pay additional costs associated with uniform and look after the admissions admin.

I think you'll find if you do that then his desire for this will rapidly fall

Could you go with:

a) I’m afraid I can’t afford it
b) no I couldn’t possibly let you shoulder the financial burden, it wouldn’t be morally right, I’d feel awful. No no no….

just explain to your child that you can’t afford it, and nor can daddy. Really thrash out how much private school and everything that goes with it costs and say, it’s so nice of daddy to want to be able to afford it but I know he can’t. There is a lovely school you are going to that means daddy will be able to spend his money on other lovely things for you.

that sounds lovely of you.

@Autumn38 thanks - that's some very interesting food for thought. I am unlikely to say much to our child directly, but exH has barely paid any maintenance in the last several years due to job interruptions and he is paying the bare minimum now, under protest.

Something I could try is using your suggested tactic on him, acting like I believe that he actually wanted to / wants to provide maintenance all this time. "I appreciate that you have the best of intentions, but ..."

You sound well shot of him @libertybonds ! Good luck - I’m sure you’ll win on the financial case. I know I had one friend whose ex signed a paper saying eh would never contribute any money to private school fees, you could ask a lawyer about making such a declaration too.

Thank you.

Living with him truly almost destroyed me.
Leaving him was one of the most difficult things I have done.
I never knew how much he could still terrorise my child and me, with the full support of the law.

Clearly YANBU, especially since he doesn’t always have the means to pay.

You could say to him, that’s fine but he needs to sign a waiver which stipulates that the school will look to him for the school fees, and not you. Schools can and do do this.

If he’s open to putting the first four years fees in trust to pay school fees and you pay your share into the trust over the 8 years of education your child has left, then I think it would be worth thinking hard about. The reality is that the early start late finish of most public schools are often cheaper and more productive and safe/fun, than other childcare alternatives. If you are working full time it would be an excellent way of managing that. Do the maths and see what works best for you.

I would say that if he can prepay (to the school not kept in an account he has control of) 2 years if fees then you will consider it. Each year he then has to pay a years fees up front (so you always have a buffer of a years already paid with the school if he cant pay for whatever reason)
I would imaginge he will not be able to save enough

There is nothing immoral or unprincipled about using private education, so I would park that and focus on the finances, which are clearly an issue and a very good reason not to go down that route.