To refuse to send my child to private school?

[libertybonds]

My emotionally abusive and status-obsessed ex wants to send our child to private school. Our child is very bright and we live in a nice area with well-regarded state schools.

He has a poor record of keeping a job, so the fees would almost certainly fall to me in time.

He has begun persuading / pressuring our child into wanting to go private, probably as a way of increasing pressure on me and also generally to bring them on side.

AIBU to say no, and stand firm?

I am morally opposed to private school and also I do not want to be stuck with the bill when my ex is sacked again.

Make him go to court over it.

Then you stand up in court and say you do not believe enrolling in private school is in your child's best interests for the following reasons:

1. You do not have confidence in your ex's ability to pay the school fees and any extras such as school uniform, trips and so on, in the long term.
2. If your ex fails to pay the fees that are due, you will be forced to either withdraw your child from the school, which would be obviously detrimental to their wellbeing, or find the money from somewhere else, which will limit your ability to financially provide for them in other ways.
3. You are concerned that your ex may use the fact that he is paying school fees as a justification for not paying the child maintenance that he legally owes, and to which your child is entitled. He should be providing for your child's basic needs before any optional extras.
4. Assuming the private school is not as local as the local state school, it would be committing you and your child to a longer commute in the mornings and afternoons.
5. You believe your child will benefit more from the stability of being in the local state school, not needing to worry about fees, and having local friends. Your money can then be used to fund other things such as extra-curricular activities, one-to-one tuition where necessary, higher education or a house deposit one day.

Her share? Why should the OP pay anything towards school fees?

I do work full time. The schools that appear to be in the running (from his perspective) don't seem to have longer hours though??? One

My SiL's ex tried this. She was actually keen on it, until I pointed out it was just another thing to control her with; and that her ex would threaten to stop paying as soon as she stepped out of line. Her DC is very happy in the local state school.

two friends who’ve had long fights to rid themselves of similar delightful princes have found it does, eventually, get easier. Although they never stop twisting, the points of decisions lessen over time. I’m hopeful you’ll find this too.

Well if he goes ahead and applies then just write to the schools and say you do not agree with the application. It has been made by the father who is not financially secure and you do not recommend that they allocate a place. The will then decline the applications and job done.

You’re right to be careful. I’ve known two people who’ve ended up being forced to pay school fees because the dads won their case to insist the children went private.

But private schools usually have significantly longer holidays than state schools.

Absolutely stand your ground it’s a NO.

Also contact schools he’s interested in and ask them if they can enroll a child where one parent is not willing. I think most will want two signatures.

It seems bizarre that a court would order a parent who doesn't want their children to go to a private school to pay the fees in particular if they are not able to do so

Perfectly reasonable to refuse. And nine is old enough to understand "daddy never keeps a job for long, so we can't rely on him for the fees". She'll have noticed that on her own soon enough.

It’s a no, you don’t want to do it so it’s a no. Private schools are increasing fees by 6-10% annually on average- there’s a strong chance your child will end up leaving one way or another.
Make your ex take you to court, the court will almost certainly side with you.

Stand firm.

If he does somehow manage to secure a place for your son at a private school let him take you to court.

re: your child. I’d just be telling him it’s a huge amount of money and you simply can’t afford it.

it does sound that this is more about control than anything to do with benefitting your child

Update: my ex has been putting signifcant pressure on our child about taking exams and moving schools. He constantly puts down my child's school and talks about how much better an independent school would be. It may be affecting my child's self esteem.

He also has now put our child on the waiting list at at least one independent school without my consent or informing me of this. I have emailed the school to inform them that I do not consent.

In short, it's as expected: he will continue harassing both my child and me until he gets his way. Any further advice welcome!

At 9 years old it's time for your DC to have some awareness of the basic facts. As you've written above -

• private school fees are EXPENSIVE - make a spreadsheet of costs for fees, transport, food, uniform/kit, trips, tutoring etc.
• tell your DC how challenging it has been in the past re getting dad to pay for things
• show your DC how much you earn (round down of course) and how much YOU would be expected to pay if dad refuses.
• DC will have some awareness of times dad isn't working therefore unable to contribute to fees. He'll figure it out.

Schools need both parents to be able to fund fees and may do a financial assessment on both of you. Worth asking a few to find out what the process actually is, so you have some facts to go back to DC with - affordability if it's borderline is going to be a Biggie.

@Shittyyear2025 Thank you. I think that it would be held against me if I said anything negative about dad, but I agree that it's important to be realistic about our finances.

Separately, I am currently off work due to a toxic environment there and I will probably quit with nothing lined up, potentially with a significant career break ahead. Can my ex make me go back to work???? My new husband makes enough to support us on a fairly tight budget.

At 9 he's not too young for a brief age-appropriate discussion - make it relevant eg paying for private school for the next 9 years is going to cost the same as 10 new cars, or holidays, or however many trips to watch his favourite team or musician. Dad won't pay for these things, and neither would I. I can't afford to pay it all if dad isn't working shouldn't be held against you as it is a fact that DC can acknowledge as I'm sure he's aware he's been unemployed.

If there is ANY doubt about affordability then you need to knock this on the head asap. You can't be forced to send him to private school, nor can your ex force you to work (same as you can't force him to work, pay maintenance if he's not working).

Hi op, I’ve seen a similar thread from your exes perspective a mum wanting to pay fees for the child who lives with her mum dad objecting due to not wanting to co sign something that would leave him liable to fee paying, as well as moral objection. She was finding that the schools wouldn’t accept an application without other parents consent or court order.

it maybe that dad has to take you to court for this, you could offer mediation to him and do shuttle mediation if you can’t look him in the face.

Your ex can’t force you to work

I’m not completely clear but it seems that you’re having ongoing email discussions with your ex about it is that correct? If so I would state categorically that your child will not be attending private school and you don’t want to discuss it further and then completely ignore any other references to it that he makes. If he takes you to court, you can put your objections to the front there but the dialogue with him won’t get you anywhere

I think you need to come across this to a degree from the other angle and draw on all the positives of state education especially towards your son.

What is it that you want from your child's school and what experience do you want your child to have?

Tell your son that you thought long and hard about where the best place to educate him was. Build up his self esteem that he is doing well in a school that suits him.

I'd also log with the school about the discussion that are happening between him and his dad so that they can provide support and bolster his confidence in the classroom that he is doing well.

My ex wanted out son to go private

I replied that as she had got a house of the divorce and now had a partner then she could sell the house to pay for it

For some strange reason she didnt say what she wanted to happen with her younger son - not mine.

Agree

I might be inclined to suggest that all future contact is via one pf these parenting apps