Moan I can't have in real life

[Floursacktabletop]

I've got a sibling I love very much. They are ND (ASD)
They are high functioning (work as a finance manager )
Their ASD means that there's loads of things they just can't do like think of me first, empathise and I end up doing lots of things for them but they never think of me in the same way.
The latest is a lift I'm.expected to give as they can't drive at the mo. They hadn't even thought of trying to make the lift easier for me. I'm not very robust at the moment and it's getting me down. There's nothing that needs fixing, or any solutions given. I just wanted a moan. I love them a lot, I could never say this in real life. I just wanted a moan! Feeling sorry for myself

Oh that sounds so draining. You can love someone and want to support them, but still feel overwhelmed by the weight of it too - is there anyone else they turn to for support.

I know it’s not quite the same as someone else anticipating your needs or imagining how you feel, but how would your sibling react if you explained you would prefer to do something slightly differently, or even if you asked them to do something for you?

It's not surprising that's taking a toll on you. To give without that being reciprocated must be hurtful especially if they believe they don't even think about what you might want and need

Given how high functioning they are have you tried talking about you'd like them to help you sometimes as that is fair? Maybe ask them for help with things sometimes? Sometimes say no that you don't have the capacity right now. I get that you love them and you sound like such a lovely sibling but over time this will take it's toll on you and likely turn into resentment.

I’m sorry. I often think that the life of a sibling when the other person has a disability or different needs can be very difficult and it’s very unacknowledged.

If I asked them to help me, they would. But they will never consider I need help or even that I have any needs really.
Like I say, I'm feeling sorry for myself as no one puts me first ever, or even thinks of any way to look after me. I have to express every need I have and that sometimes gets draining as you never feel looked after

You have to communicate more clearly, I think. Tell them how they can help you. Tell them that something is difficult for you. Sometimes just say 'No'.

ASD doesn't give the person carte blanche to be a user and never a giver.

(Speaking here as mum of a teenage daughter with ASD.)

Yeah that's really crap. I'm sorry.

I can definitely clearly ask for.help, but my moan is that I have to and I don't ever feel considered or looked after

I know how you feel - I asked my sister for a two week rest from her problems (she goes on a rest in frequent intervals) she contacted me after a week with “are you better yet, a chat would be good!” I feel suffocated - she comes to stay for a day stays for a week, I’m starting to really not want her anywhere near me - she’s exhausting.

People aren’t mind-readers. Ask for things if you want them - especially when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t necessarily pick up on hints or anticipate others’ feelings.

At the moment, you’re just making a martyr of yourself. You’re having a moan here that you absolutely can have in real life, but have chosen not to. If you keep doing things for people, without ever communicating your own needs or difficulties or feelings about that, people will naturally assume you’re happy and well enough to do them.

I'm not making a martyr of myself at all.
My feelings are about having to tell people what I need. No one ever considers me first. In the current situation no one has thought "I bet flour doesn't want to do a long round trip after an emotionally difficult and long day"
It's just been " I don't drive so flour will take me"
I know you'll say "just say you cant" but the real life nuance means I really do have to, for boring reasons

I get your. None of my family have ever put me first not even as a kid. None of them are ND.

That sounds so draining. But, first you don’t have to be the solution to all challenges. Can your sibling use public transport or get a taxi? Can they arrange that for themself? Is there another relative to help?
Second, it’s evident your sibling won’t actively check you’re ok, but you can set boundaries. Do you have relatives/friends who are supportive, or a therapist who can listen?

There really is no solution to the current lift situation due to lots of logistical issues that sometimes people on MN don't get (rural location and no uber/taxi available. On the other point , I maybe could talk to friends but I don't think k they'll get it as they all have big families/lovely partners

I’m assuming it’s probably a family funeral or memorial?

Whilst booking taxis rurally is hard, I grew up semi rurally it’s not impossible you just have to pay £££ and book way in advance.

You can never change a persons personality just change your reaction to their behaviour.

Whats your actual life like away from family, are you possibly just too entangled?

@Floursacktabletop
I get you ( ND, of all types, in abundance in my family), but I think it would be helpful to acknowledge that it is really just wishing for an alternative universe.

It’s fine to moan, actually it can be good, but sometimes people listening feel that there has to be a solution of some sort.
However here there is no solution to this particular moan.
You can be annoyed that a blind person can’t appreciate a painting as much as you like, it won’t change the fact that they can’t see it!

You unfortunately cannot live the life you live, and at the same time a life where you have the same sibling without ASD.

I know you didn’t ask for advice, but you describe me exactly how my sister would describe me - except I don’t have an ASD diagnosis.

I put myself first and just expect others to do the same. If I asked my sister for a lift and she said yes but only if you do X, Y, Z to make my life easier I’d happily do it. I’d never think of those things without proactively sitting down to think about “what can I do to make this easier for someone else”.

I would also never offer anyone help, but would jump if anyone asked. Mostly because I’d find an offer of help imposing, or a judgement on my abilities because I will ask for help when I need it.

In the same vein, I don’t expect anyone else in the world to put me first as that’s my job, and so I have no problem saying no to things that don’t work for me or communicating my needs. I often find myself saying to people “if you don’t put yourself first, then who will?”.

So despite you not asking for advice, as someone who recognised themselves in this situation, I’d suggest you’re just clearer with your sibling on boundaries and speak up when you need compromise from them - don’t expect them to offer it, they’re not in your brain, they don’t know what you need or what you’re thinking!

Sounds like you need to communicate better with them. You know they won’t think of it, so if you’re struggling, tell them. And if they can make something easier for you, tell them how.
Your expectations of them can’t increase - you know what they are dealing with. But your expectations of and for yourself need to increase. Advocate for yourself.

Sometimes you need to take a leaf out of their book.
Many people will ask for things without considering if they are putting out the other person because surely the other person would say so.
Many people don't ask about or check in on someone because surely they would say if they weren't ok.

Not just ASD people (though my adult son is ASD and we joke that he only calls when he wants something - it's not quite that extreme but almost) but some people are just self centred or consider emotional support/intelligence mushy and pointless.

My husband is fairly nice but has a selfish streak, he'll almost always put himself first unless it's really obvious he is "needed" to step up. I'm quite stoical and independent and that suits him (and me most of the time). But sometimes I really wish someone would put me first and be more caring but they seem to think "oh she's always all right". I've taken to occasionally putting my foot down and spelling out "I'm stressed out and fed up and you need to take over x this week".

That may not work practically if there is no one else to give the lift but just saying "I'm stressed out and fed up, can you find someone else to help this time" might make you feel better/more heard, even if they come back and say "no, there aren't any other options".

It sounds like we have the same sibling.

Mine tries her best, but she's just got zero understanding of putting others first, or stepping slightly out of her comfort zone in order to make someone else's life easier. Everything is done according to her wishes/desires. You can try to appeal to her, but it makes very little difference.

So sorry. I understand, have similar. It isn’t just the one thing. It is layers and layers, so difficult to move. It is feeling or being made to feel unreasonable for asking something completely reasonable.

In my case it was also growing up before there was a lot of diagnosis and having an underlying fear as days out or holidays would result in huge meltdowns from my sibling.

Get it all out anonymously/here and then maybe there will be some things you can change.

I also recognise the stepping on eggshells. She is demanding and blunt but when I have stood my ground, she explodes or walks away like a wounded animal. I asked her for some space last year, just two weeks - I had too much stuff going on. She was on whatsapp a week later asking if I was well enough for a chat - I feel suffocated by her - her mental health is fragile but she is a total attention seeker, pretends she is living a life of an international heiress - she paints her life in glomour, everything is about it being fabulous, until it isn' and then she's suicidal. It's exhausting.

Its like when the kids are young and you do all the caring and sometimes have to tell them to think of you as well. Then they do but you wish that they could do it without prompting. The difference being my daughter is now 10 and if I am poorly, tired etc she will bring me a drink, blanket etc without me asking and it feels so lovely to be thought of. But your sibling may never manage that unprompted and sometimes the reality of that can feel frustrating.

My sibling is a bit like this. If I remind him or tell him to do something (for my parents not me) he will go all out, spend lots / put lots of effort and thought in with no complaints. But sometimes I would love to not have to remind him. Obviously my mum has no idea I am behind it all so she's full of praise for her thoughtful boy!

My husband isn't from a family who think of others and over the years he has learnt to be more considerate without me telling him each time. This is in quite a mechanical way for example he has reminders on his phone to text his sister / best friend once a month and ask how they are, mothers day, birthdays are all reminders in his diary to send cards and message people etc as it doesnt come naturally. Perhaps you could suggest to your sibling that they set reminders in their phone to check in with others (you, parents etc) regularly. As your parents age (if they are around) you will need your sibling to step up (they sound capable on a practical level) so It would be better if they get into the habit now, even if there isnt real empathy behind it and its more of a rule they follow.

My daughter naturally getting that level of thought and empathy for others at she grows has been so nice.

My husband is lovely though and I wouldn't change him for the world. The fact he has gone to these lengths to think of others shows he does care. I know he finds my overthinking and over emotional state equally frustrating so we probably balance each other out well!

Believe me I would pay! There really is , in this situation no other option
I'm not entangled but naturally a big support .
I have a healthy life with friends away from this

This is exactly what I'm sad about though. No one who goes "oh floursack has had a tough day, I'll call her/put the kettle on/etc etc

I'm sad I have to advocate for.myself
Thanks to the people with ND family who get it

I love my sibling but I'm also allowed to feel sad I'm not considered