Moan I can't have in real life

[Floursacktabletop]

I've got a sibling I love very much. They are ND (ASD)
They are high functioning (work as a finance manager )
Their ASD means that there's loads of things they just can't do like think of me first, empathise and I end up doing lots of things for them but they never think of me in the same way.
The latest is a lift I'm.expected to give as they can't drive at the mo. They hadn't even thought of trying to make the lift easier for me. I'm not very robust at the moment and it's getting me down. There's nothing that needs fixing, or any solutions given. I just wanted a moan. I love them a lot, I could never say this in real life. I just wanted a moan! Feeling sorry for myself

Thank you , this sums it up

The thing is, if you just say yes without saying why it’s difficult, they’ll just keep doing the same thing. If you explain, they may start to get it next time. If you don’t speak up, they’ll just think you’re fine with everything. Speak up!

It's not about speaking up. I can and do.
It's the lack of empathy or thinking of me first. Things I just have to do (and believe me some REALLY are essential) but there's no awareness that it might be hard for me or tiring or annoying.

I do think you are expecting a lot from a sibling. As a PP has said, people are not mind readers.

I am close to my sister, we get along great and see each other at least once a week however we both have our own stuff going on. I would not expect her to 'anticipate my needs' nor does she expect that of me.

If I said to her "I've had a crap week, fancy lunch?" or "I need to buy X and could do with another opinion, can you come with me?" she would but it is a matter of asking.

That's quite a different scenario from mine.
I'm glad you have that.

It's about no one considering me

That's quite a different scenario from mine.
I'm glad you have that.

It's about no one considering me

But if you tell them when it’s tiring or difficult, they’ll may start to think in advance. ASD doesn’t mean people don’t have empathy, that was debunked years ago, and even those like your sibling that may feel it differently can learn how to be considerate if they can do other things. If they don’t, it’s not the asd, it’s just selfishness and you should be firmer with them.

Have you ever said no or come up with a solution to make it easier on yourself? Have you ever said I can’t today I’ve had a tiring day? Do you live with this sibling?

There's no easy fix for this .
It's not about me retraining my sibling. It's about me being sad that I would have to. Previous Pp have given other examples like being sad a blind person not able to appreciate a painting, or children too young to give empathy back.
Just part of life, but a sad part for me at the moment (but it will pass)

Nothing will change unless you do something different. People with autism can show empathy so this is nothing like a blind person not being able to appreciate a painting. I don’t really understand that mentality of moaning but doing nothing to help the situation. Good luck I guess, you sound like hard work and like someone who just wants to be a martyr.

I do understand that you don’t want to have to tell people to consider you, but the reality is that you do have to tell them. Given that your sibling has ASD, they might not be able to pick up on your feelings and needs unless you tell them. To me, it would be pretty obvious when a sibling might be exhausted or need a break from always being available - but I definitely know people with ASD who wouldn’t pick up on that without being told.

People are also much more likely to anticipate your future needs if they have past examples of how you’ve felt in other situations. For example, I have a colleague who always used to ask me to do a certain inconvenient / stressful task at work because I happened to be good at it, usually available to do it because of my schedule, and just did it with a minimum of fuss. It was genuinely starting to have an impact on my mental health. Eventually I said “How come I’m the only one who gets asked to do this? It’s really starting to drain me and I need a break” and she was genuinely surprised - I’d never said anything so she’d assumed I didn’t mind. Once I’d had the conversation, she was much more aware of the issue and much more likely to be considerate of that in the future.

I do completely understand that in an ideal world you might not want to have to advocate for yourself and explain these things - but the reality is that advocating for yourself is still the better option for than suffering in silence and letting the situation stagnate.

Having to tell people your own needs in order for your needs/feelings to be considered might not be your (or anyone’s) preferred state of affairs - but it is still a better one than the alternative, when the alternative means continuing to do things for everyone and not correcting their misconception that you are fine with that, while secretly feeling miserable and resentful the whole time. I understand that you shouldn’t HAVE to tell people to consider your feelings - but equally, by NOT telling people you are making things worse for yourself. Staying silent is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It's nothing like a blind person being able to appreciate a painting. It's like a blind person repeatedly standing on your foot and not giving a shit and continuing to do so, and you not saying Ouch!

Is this about nobody thinking about you, or just your sibling? You've mentioned both.

Hey, just take a minute to think about what has happened here. I've been really open and clear on my posts. I've said it's me being sad, I've never once badmouthed my sibling.
You've over reached here and I'm not 'hard work'
I also know about autism having grown up in a ND family. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I'm reaching out to people who understand for a bit of support. I've said clearly I don't need solutions right now. But wanting to express my feelings doesn't make me a martyr

Yes I totally get this and mostly, I can do this but there are times when it's not appropriate.
Totally take your point about the job at work too , sometimes we have a blind spot

I have an ASD sister and omg I feel you!!!!

As kids it was all about them and we had to push aside our own needs for them. Then that pattern continues in adulthood and MY GOD it’s hard.

People saying « just ask for what you need » you just do not get it’

Is the problem that you always do think about how you can make life nicer / easier / better for your sibling but she never does that for you?

Sounds a bit like parenting teenagers! I spend my life doing things that will make their (objectively lovely) life even
lovelier while they can’t even put their (fucking) cereal bowl in the (fucking) dishwasher.

The only difference is - I chose to have teenage children - you didn’t choose your sibling.

One suggestion I do have is the phrase “how can I help?” My kids are not yet at the stage where they can figure out why I am tired / stressed / overwhelmed etc. But they can tell that I am. So they say the phrase and I tell them what I need and it feels less like I am barking endless order at them.

In the other direction it also works when I use it on dd(15). She wants to be more independent and run her own life so me jumping in and helping doesn’t work so much these days. But she still does need help. This means I can help her with what she needs help with without taking over.

We do get it, but we just deal with it differently and ask for what we need. No point being a martyr, moaning, not helping yourself, nothing changing and being unhappy. I get having a moan, but for OP to say she doesn’t want solutions is 🤯

Thank you!!!

I just need to chat with people who know what I mean and not give solutions

I know the solutions but right now, I just want to chat about aomething

In the same way that I can moan about the way I currently have a knee injury and its annoying me whilst also doing my physio!

This is it. It is exhausting and sad to have to advocate for a basic level of consideration. When the family has prioritized needs of a ND sibling for so long there is almost a heaviness to having to ask for any consideration. It is just layer after layer of things that add up to a real weight.

Thank you for the understanding it

Speaking as an autistic person here....

JUST. TELL. THEM.

But just because someone is ASD does not mean they are incapable of these things. In fact, quite the opposite. Have you ever communicated to your sibling that you would like them to work on considering you more? You say they have quite an important job which they manage to maintain. I assume that job comes with feedback.

”I have always understood areas of difficulty for you and made allowances and will continue to do so, of course. I have been feeling down and sad in myself though because at times It’s difficult feeling you don’t consider my feelings. I know it doesn’t necessarily come natural, but it would make me feel loved and appreciated if you could make this time to check in on me, offer help with my needs or similar.”

I am ASD and I have ASD children. My son makes conscious effort to - for example - when getting himself a drink, offer if I need one. He doesn’t ask how I am but he communicates that he does think of me/DH and is willing to do things to help us. I make a point of thanking and letting him know that it means a lot to me for him to consider my needs alongside his own. This learned behaviour becomes easy habit. Communication is key.

Gosh posters have got out of bed the wrong side this morning.
OPp has articulated the problem and just wants a safe space to have a moan and wish things were different. She has had her sibling, I’d guess, for a number of decades now and understands what works and what doesn’t more than random posters on here.

And those saying they are also ND and telling her what to do - it is a spectrum! Only she knows how this manifests in her sibling and clearly they are incapable of empathy or thinking of others first.

Yes, yes just ‘tell them’. But it sounds like she does a lot and what she wants is to be considered and thought of without having to tell them!!

Im sure if this was a mum complaining about the mental load and that they have to tell their husband how to do everything, posters with be screaming ‘LTB’! But what if your husband was incapable of thinking of these for himself and had to be told everything-you would be exhausted and it’d be much easier to just do it yourself. This, I’d imagine is similar to the situation OP finds herself in.

ASD doesn’t entitle somebody to exhaust those around them.

Tell him what you want him to do to make the lift easier. If he objects, tell him this is a social norm and he is not excused from that.