Moan I can't have in real life

[Floursacktabletop]

I've got a sibling I love very much. They are ND (ASD)
They are high functioning (work as a finance manager )
Their ASD means that there's loads of things they just can't do like think of me first, empathise and I end up doing lots of things for them but they never think of me in the same way.
The latest is a lift I'm.expected to give as they can't drive at the mo. They hadn't even thought of trying to make the lift easier for me. I'm not very robust at the moment and it's getting me down. There's nothing that needs fixing, or any solutions given. I just wanted a moan. I love them a lot, I could never say this in real life. I just wanted a moan! Feeling sorry for myself

I don’t think it’s about a lift. I think it’s one more thing in a long list where she has to over communicate and be precise and clear because her sibling cant consider anything other than their own needs. The lift is just one example

This isn't a particularly safe space to moan about the neurodiverse though, given the number of posters that are in fact ND.

OP could give her sibling a lift. She could refuse to give her sibling a lift. Or she could do it grudgingly, leaving her sibling with the nagging feeling that they've upset somebody again, but don't know what they've done.

OR she could say "Look, my life is busy. Things are taking a toll on me. I will give you a lift this time, but you need to help me in return by doing XYZ."

OR she could say "I have reached my limits and am unable to give you a lift this time. Everybody gets tired and overwhelmed, and you have to check in with us to see if we're OK".

But no, neurotypicals just love to not come out with stuff and instead simmer in silence.

I think you sibling has done very well for himself if he is a finance manager. My DS is aiming for something similar and the exams are so hard . Your sibling can definitely afford a taxi though is there anything about that he couldn’t cope with if he sat in the back playing music with headphones on? I am HSP and feel anxious in a taxi so do understand a bit. You do have to think that you might not be around one day and then what would he do .It would be kinder to try and find solutions now.

I'm autistic with ND relatives and autistic (now young adult) children and I feel the same as you. I'm lucky that at the moment I can afford to pay people to help me through the difficult situation I'm currently in.

Yes I agree with this. I'm older now (53) so I think (hope) I have a bit more cognitive empathy (always had emotional empathy) and consider other people.

However, in the past, if someone has explained to me how they're struggling, it would have helped me to be more considerate and develop as a person. I always remember my English teacher having a mini breakdown because some of the kids were being so awful and it really affected me. I think life would be so much easier for autistic people if everyone was honest. I think that we only mask because neurotypicals are masking most of the time. But of course, it's always autistics who are wrong....

I’m afraid this is quite unreasonable with ASD. If they were continuing to ignore you when you have spoken up I would understand, but one of the primary issues around ASD can be communication, and honesty I think the problem tends to be NT people expecting people to think like them, pick up on nuances etc. ASD is a disability, you need to adapt your behaviour to them, and hopefully they will then respond and meet you half way depending on their personal ability (as well as personality of course), but you can’t expect them to think like you, would you expect someone in a wheelchair to get up out of the chair to open the door for you as that’s polite?

Exactly.

I've heard it said that empathy is a muscle, and the more you use it the more it strengthens. I think that, although the greater recognition of ND nowadays is largely very positive, there is a potential risk in the misconception of autistics as unempathetic that they will just be accepted in this rather than gently pushed to exercise cognitive empathy. (Especially in boys, because let's face it, boys are just expected to be less empathetic anyway. I strongly suspect that OP's sibling is a brother rather than a sister).

Thanks to those that get it. I'm well versed in ND . It comes with challenges. Those challenges are sometimes hard

Honestly not a very empathetic response.

OP has been clear she wants support not solutions. That does not make her a martyr in the slightest.

OP, you’ve said a few times that “no one puts me first”. Is this solely about difficulties with your sibling, because it reads to me like there could be wider issues at play?

Hard relate on this OP, although I am the autistic one! DD and DH both need a lot of support. DD with her education (no viable school place for almost four years now) and DH needs emotional and practical support to keep his anxiety manageable so that he can work. Neither do anything around the house really, they're not capable at the moment. Neither really seem to realise just how freakin' much I do. All day, every day, no break ever, nobody looking after ME.

I'm not looking for solutions, there aren't any, and I would never give up on either of them. (Well, I would never give up on DD - obviously there are things DH could do to make me give up e.g. abuse, infidelity. But as long as his behaviour is reasonable and he's trying his best, which he generally is, I wouldn't give up on him either.)

But sometimes it's nice to have a moan and have it recognised by others in the same boat!

I understand OP. Its hard going. My family bring a twist to it in that they'll randomly decide to do something nice for me. Something nice that invariably costs me a fortune or turns my life upside down, and then they get cross that I am unappreciative of their efforts.

You have to practice spoiling yourself.

Thank you so much!

I hear you @Floursacktabletop It’s tough.

Don’t ignore your own needs - he may not be able to meet them, but you really do need to fill your battery too.

Big hug - a whole tribe of nd folk over here and if I started grumbling, I’d fill up your thread.