I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

[Rockininthefreeworld]

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

Fully agree with this OP.

I do sort of get where your DH is coming from with lingering food smells, our house is open plan and the extractor fan not really up to the job. So things that help us is windows open, a surface cleaner with a nice smell to wipe down really well afterwards, (currently method lavender), changing the charcoal filter in the extractor fan, an oil diffuser, emptying the food caddy and bins, and running the dishwasher so the stinky things have been cleaned away.
I will only cook fish outdoors, we have an outdoor air fryer (instead of a BBQ) but it does mean those smells are out doors and I am mindful of things like fajitas that really do seem to have a lingering smell. Usually it means I need to give the place a more thorough clean and air afterwards to help get rid of the smell which is a chore so we don't have them very often but everyone enjoys eating these foods, sometimes I have to just endure the odour.
It sounds like you have a separate kitchen which does mean the cooking smell is only in one room. The smell of a cooked dish from eating will go away quickly enough, especially once you clear up afterwards.
So, reclaim the dining table for actual dining, but definitely put a cheap rug or mat underneath. Start small, sandwiches or beans on toast type tea, when DC were small and eating much earlier than me I would try to sit and have at least a cup of tea whilst they ate to sort of build that habit.
Cook what you like to eat and enjoy eating it with your DC.
When life is busy with clubs and activities family meal times can be more of a challenge but it's not impossible, we really do have some of our best chats round the table, other times it is just eat quick and get on with the next thing but always at the table.

ND issues or no, your H is effectively dictating how you and the children live. He's also heavily insinuating that you are wrong to have the "fantasy" of a family coming together in the evening to have a meal, and refusing to discuss your unhappiness. He's using the excuse of undiagnosed OCD as a justification for you having to dance to his tune. Nothing about this is OK, not one single detail.

Take a look at a book called Living With The Dominator, by Pat Craven.

If your H doesn't or won't understand how his obduracy is affecting you, and therefore won't put forth the effort to get a diagnosis and associated therapy to learn to live cooperatively in the family, then you are effectively living with a massively selfish and self absorbed individual who simply doesn't care enough about you or your needs to make the relationship work. You don't owe him the labour and effort it takes you to work around his stubbornness.

Me too. You're going to insist he sees someone. Otherwise you'll damage the children. He has to see this.

OP, read this excellent advice and let it sink in.

OP you are working so hard on this and well done.

My DC are now 9 and 6 and I think we only properly started eating together when we moved about 2 years ago. Before that their early dinner time/ busy life and fussiness got in the way. 2 is HARD absolutely.

Now we eat together around the table Monday, Tuesday and Sunday evenings and on Fridays we have pizza/ movie night around the TV together with a strict ‘the TV is the only screen’ rule. Wednesdays and Thursdays are packed tea for them as they have swimming lessons or cubs and Saturdays DH and I try to have an adult date type dinner together. At weekends and in the holidays we will eat more lunches together.

I would start small with maybe Sunday lunch as you can have it mid afternoon on a Sunday before anyone gets tired and it’s more easy to vary based on fussiness (my 9 year old will just have meat and potatoes for example and wants raw veg sticks not cooked veg. It is what it is). Don’t try and insist on everyone eating exactly the same but no special meals either. Look for how you can separate elements rather than making individual meals.

Accept that sometimes it’s hell (It is) that they will ask ‘can I get down?’ after ten mins. But after all that I think mine really value it tbh. Good luck!

@loubielou31 unfortunately we're somewhat open plan where our kitchen runs off from the hallway with no door (and not really possible to put a door in), so the smells do travel. But even so, I can avoid the especially smelly things!

@EastEndQueen this is really great advice, thank you

How does your DH feel about the kids copying his eating habits?

As with everything with children, parents have to set an example. “Do as I say and not as I do” rarely works as children learn from observing others.

Don’t let his approach hold you back from setting a good example. It’s much easier to eat in the kitchen when you have young children. But, if you really can’t fit any sort of table in there (fold out one?), then you need to make the dining room more suitable. Maybe a large outdoor rug, which will be waterproof and wipeable, for under the table? And have the window open to deal with odours?

As for what you eat, if your DH refuses to instil love of a wide range of home-cooked food, with lots of different vegetables, herbs and spices, cook these meals for you and the kids (batch-cooked for efficiency) and let your DH make his own meals. And no screens at mealtimes creates precious time when the whole family can chat and shows kids how to behave at a dining table, wherever they are. When they were really little, mine were allowed little toys or books to occupy themselves, whether at home or eating out, but we still chatted to them the whole time too.

Growing your own food (pots of herbs like parsley, mint and sage, tomatoes or strawberries) helps kids appreciate and understand food. As does involving them in preparing the food and setting the table. IME it all helps instil good eating habits.

Would it be possible to remove the kitchen island and have a small table in the kitchen, the kind you can tuck chairs right under so it doesn't take up much space, or maybe one of the fold up ones? I don't know how much it would cost, but maybe worth it? I can get that keeping one room as an office can be easier if people wfh, and it's often easier to have a small table in the kitchen so you can both cook and talk to the kids at the same time. Some people do eat at islands, but I get that a lot of people find it uncomfortable/not suitable with young kids.

I’m glad @Rockininthefreeworld

Frozen mashed/ roast potatoes etc are great for Sunday roast fuss-pots. Can just use the amount you need and save the rest for next week. But still keeps the ‘dinner is roast chicken and potatoes’ line.

We have a kitchen island in the house we moved into. I bloody hate it. Makes a corridor to the back door. The bins, dog bowls add to the chaos. I really miss my table.

Hang in there OP. Your kids are still young enough that you can change this. It's important to you, you feel ashamed of the current setup - you can change it.

I have to say I always had meals with my children at the table, and still do now they are adults. Screens are definitely not allowed. I disagree with PPs saying to start small with one or two a week - I'd just set a red line now and tell everyone how it's going to be. Within a week it will be fine.

Give him your office and reclaim the dining room. Make mealtimes a lovely family time, even just for 20 minutes and even if it's just you and your DC.

Re the frying things, does your DH ever go out for the day? Is it an option to batch cook a load of chilli or bolognaise and put it in the freezer, then open all the windows etc so it hopefully doesn't affect him when he gets back?

The main thing to remember tomorrow is it's not about who is right and who is wrong about kids sitting at the table etc. It's about this being something that really matters to you, and you bend around him in lots of ways to meet his needs, and this is what you need him to do.

Both DH and DD have ARFID and their safe food lists do not overlap. I have allergies and their safe food lists contain many things I can’t eat. Some of their safe foods can’t be eaten with me in the room.

we still eat together as a family a few times a week, we just eat different things. It takes planning, but we manage.

YABU to accept your husband laying down the law like this. I'd be asking him who the ever-loving fuck he thinks he is. If he is WFH and can find an appropriate space that does not disrupt family life, good for him, but he does not take the dining room. That room already has a purpose. It isn't your or your DCs responsibility to move over and provide him with office space.

This.

He obviously has issues that he needs help with. But you and the children are not just the supporting cast to his main character. You should not have to bend and adapt all of your lives around him. Compromise should come from both sides.

Personally I cannot imagine never being able to cook a spag bol, or a chilli.

DH is the massive obstacle here and the importance of eating together can never be made enough. To give in on this. Fix a time for dinner and stick to it as often as you can each week and sit in the dining room with a temporary cheap rug down under the table. It’s a dead room in the house otherwise. You will see how quickly eating habits improve when you all eat a shared meal and conversations and good communication habits start. Fight tooth and nail for this. Don’t give into his controlling behaviour around it (won’t eat this, doesn’t want to smell that, don’t eat there, don’t let the kids eat in there etc)

When my dcs were little we didn't have room for a dining table, and my DH absolutely hated eating out so.I used to take them to cafes to experience eating out.

At home they had their own little table and I'd always sit with them whilst they ate sometimes I'd eat with them or just sit and chat.

Rhe DCs are adults now and through their teens had a lot of meals out with friends.

You've got lots of ideas and suggestions, I'm really rooting for you as I know how hard it is 💐

Start small — pick one meal a week and build from there.

Both me and DP work at the dining table at various times. We just clear it to eat in the evenings. Not many of us have the luxury of having an office that is only an office. Multi-use rooms is the norm.

This. If your DH won’t, then you absolutely should.

We are very lucky to all eat together as a family every night. On the rare occasion either myself or DH can’t, we find it is even more special as my whole sole purpose is on the kids/vice versa. Your kids will really value this time to talk about your day and eat together.

I agree with stricter rules for the tablet and starting with 1-2 dining room meals a week. DH can cook his own food and eat separately if he wants, but sitting together while the kids eat and talk is nice.

Your husband is being unreasonable.
i eat with my two year old and its either what he has or something I can quickly heat up as I have no time to cook from scratch after work either. If their dad is at home then he can at least come and sit and talk to his children and have a cup of tea or some crudités while they eat.

A proper family dining table is essential to me. I'd swap the flooring to wood flooring and get a proper table in there.

Ps tablet at the table noooo… remember you are the adult here and you can stamp
tbis out yes there will be a tantrum or two but do not let that cement. Sorry to sound harsh but he shouldn’t be using a tablet in the evening on a school night anyway. There is no need at all for that especially with two adults in the house.
if he is bored - colouring, reading, play dough, puzzles, word searches, handwriting practise, chore list to work through, writing letters to grandparents etc etc etc