DH and his friend

[Zui78]

My DH has developed a close and intense friendship with his work colleague. Their work situation sounds stressful, but he stays in touch with her frequently. At each work drama, he’s on call to her, or he tells me how she helped him, or he’s helped her. They text a lot, and I saw some texts, nothing remotely odd, but they seemed too intense. I saw a text from him to her at 6 am. Is this normal?

They are working colleagues. There is no way it could be considered appropriate for him to be messaging this woman at 6 a.m.
It sounds as though they are emotionally too involved .
You really need to talk to him about boundaries OP .

Yes they sound far too enmeshed.

Entirely depends on field/lifestyle. I work a pretty high-powered job and I have several gym bunny colleagues who send me messages/emails from their workouts at like, 5.30am. these people are all female, but I'm bisexual and they know that, so presumably that's inappropriate too?

Well that might be ok in your life and your partner is presumably ok with that.

But I think for most relationships to survive it requires couples/ family time where work and work colleagues don't intrude in their private life.

Yeah, my partner is fine with me having friends!

In a modern world where adults spend 40+ hours a week at work, it seems common sense to understand that the people we work with are going to take on emotional importance and significance. Something like 80% of the friends I've made since leaving uni I've made through work, and some of these people are some of the most important people in my life!

She's read the messages and there's nothing weird going on. She's just upset her partner has made a friend, and that friend happens to be female. Which seems pretty immature to me.

I don’t think he’s up to no good, but yesterday he was off home unwell, and I was at work. Our daughter said he was chatting to his work friend.

I'd be staying very alert around it, truthfully. They already sound as though they are emotionally dependent on one another.

Isn't it pretty normal to be emotionally dependent on the people who are in a stressful situation with you?

Me and my male boss work in a high agency area of work where things happen really fast, and very long hours are the norm. We text each other at all hours, plus fairly regularly stay in the same hotels for work, including late nights out, dinners etc for work reasons. There's never been a single hint of flirtatiousness or risk. Don't think he vaguely fancies me, I don't fancy him. I do appreciate our friendship and professional relationship. I'd never risk my family and am sure he wouldn't either. It's a great situation. I'd describe him as helping/supporting me regularly. He might describe me the same way. If anyone was to scroll our messages they'd find years of fairly boring work strategy and moaning about work, plus the odd joke.

Their work is very stressful, and I don’t get it, nor do I have the patience to listen to it constantly. They are there for each other, but I am not 100% happy. He’s overly concerned about her.

Is he telling you about his work constantly, or about the woman constantly?

Ok but if you can't be bothered to listen to him talk about it, I don't see how you can be upset that he's talking to someone else about it?

Work but brings her up.

But it's each day. All the time. Constantly.

Anyone ranting about work all the time would be dull. What's the context for how he frames the colleague. Is it 'it was so great when she did XYZ' or is it 'we had to go into a meeting and land some points about ABC'

The former = possibly worrying if it's all the time, the latter would be dull for you (but possibly good that he has support in a stressful role)?

Of course most people wouldn't be happy with this!
Speak to him, bring it out in the open and hope your fears don't come true.
All the best x

Honestly, this feels like it's a you problem. He's in a high stress situation at work and is communicating with a colleague about it. Have you seriously never leant on a co-worker during a stressful situation? Have you really never been in a work situation that became the whole focus of your life for a bit? If so, I'm jealous, and want to know what your career is!

You've read the messages (which seems weird to me, does he know you've done that?) and you admit there's nothing weird going on. You also admit that you're not interested in talking to him about it.

To me, it sounds like you're being insecure, either about your relationship with him, or about your ability to match him in terms of understanding.

He’s already cheated on you and left you in his head. If he hasn’t already left you physically, it won’t be long.

But it’s not a one off situation. There’s drama each day. Every week. Constantly.

Trust your instincts here OP. Sorry to hear this - it sounds like you are sensing something he may not even be consciously aware of. This is an OTT level of contact. I had this and I sat on my feelings or was gaslit and it ended up nearly breaking my marriage and family and honestly my own mental health. Nip this in the bud now - its unacceptable behaviour and it needs to stop.

The drama can be an excuse? Like every week there is some kind of drama? Someone is ramping this up. Nope. Not ok.

What is ok in your marriage is not ok in a lot of people's marriage.

When someone marries they usually expect their spouse to be their primary relationship. In OP 's case it appears she is no longer her H's primary relationship because otherwise he wouldn't be messaging another woman at 6 a.m in the morning when OP had every right to think that she, and his home life was uppermost in his thoughts. Not his woman colleague.

Of course it's ok to have friends of either sex. But not when the friendship intrudes into the relationship between man and wife.

How do you mean?

Sounds like an emotional affair to me.

I saw the messages - zero chance of an affair or anything like that. It’s all about discussing work, addressing issues, and supporting one another. It's also about reminding each other to take care of themselves. She’s even telling him to spend time with his family. He’s telling her, 'This shall pass.' Call me whenever you need to - I am always here. So I am conflicted.