DH and his friend

[Zui78]

My DH has developed a close and intense friendship with his work colleague. Their work situation sounds stressful, but he stays in touch with her frequently. At each work drama, he’s on call to her, or he tells me how she helped him, or he’s helped her. They text a lot, and I saw some texts, nothing remotely odd, but they seemed too intense. I saw a text from him to her at 6 am. Is this normal?

If you’re not his primary concern then there’s an issue. Obviously they will talk a lot, message etc if they are working together but that shouldn’t cross over excessively into personal life unless you are both happy with it.
we need to be able to switch off from work and it doesn’t sound like the friendship is allowing him to do that as much as he should.
I also do wonder if you need to allow him to decompress with you about his working day. He may need the decompression and in the absence of you, he’s using her.
I think you need to sit down and talk about the time spent with this friendship eating into your time.

Your relationship is done. There’s only so much room in someone head for a romantic connection. He’s dedicating his thoughts and his space in his head to her. You are no longer his priority. If he hasn’t already slept with her, he probably soon will.

TBF this could 100% describe my job. Every day. Multiple times a day. It's hugely stressful. People trying to land grab, power grab, backstab, plus drama with direct reports, plus context of the actual work itself being stressful. Only you know if your husband's job is a bit like this. I'm just mentioning it as jobs like this do exist.

The fact you are feeling uncomfortable about it is really all that matters op.
It may well be entirely innocent but if its encroaching on your relationship then boundaries need to be set.
It's perfectly reasonable to expect that his friendship with another woman doesn't intrude on your time together as a couple or family time. It's also perfectly reasonable to ask he doesn't discuss anything to personal with her, especially your relationship.
Emotional, and subsequently physical affairs often start with friendships, which start to encroach on the primary relationship. What then happens is connection is slowly lost from the primary relationship as its being fed into the friendship. You then get frustrated, leading to him complaining to his friend and the scales tip away from you.
Of course men and women can be friends but you both have to determine what boundaries need to be there so you both get both the freedom and the safety you need.

Oh please!

Thank you. They have been friends for some time, and she has helped him a great deal. I can see that. As someone said above, their job is very stressful, and they found each other there. It just feels like he’s talking to her a lot, and there’s a lot of laughter and jokes too, and our kids are commenting on it. He openly tells me that I am on the phone with her. On the one hand, I am glad he found a supportive friend, but some things don’t add up, such as telling her to reach out anytime, even on weekends. To her credit, I don’t see them talking on the weekends.

Wow, because he talks to a colleague about work stuff that is quite the leap!

Sound advice.

I think the fact that he's not on the phone to her at weekends kinda proves that this is a work support thing.

Honestly OP I think you're being a bit ridiculous here, is this the first time he's had a female friend?!

Are you also getting that side of him? Laughter and jokes and offers of endless support?
If their closeness isn't taking anything away from you and you're comfortable with it then I'd simply suggest it's better to get ahead of these things and just tell him you'd be more comfortable if he was willing to keep family time protected, and whilst you're ok with their friendship you'd appreciate if he'd keep anything to personal out of their conversations (there's a great book called not just friends which explains why these boundaries are important to discuss proactively).
But If she's getting the fun and caring side of him, and you get the worn out husband who falls asleep next to you on the sofa and can't be bothered with the family- thats a bigger problem, whether their relationship is platonic or not.

Yep. I agree.

Shagging.

He's a good husband and a great dad. His work is killing him, and being in the office all the time doesn't help his health. What I don’t like is seeing all those messages at 6 am, 7 am asking her if she’s at work today, asking if she’s ok, does she want a coffee, to look after herself, do call him anytime

It does sound like he's a little too focused on her op. Does he give you that kind of effort?

Are they working at 6am? If so, normal. If they're both still laid in bed, not normal.

Depends , I would be worried if she was single , similar age , attractive etc . My husband was close to his assistant but she was a lesbian 30 years older than him .

No, regular office hours.

I don't know what she looks like. She's younger.

Depends. I know both men and women in very senior positions working as they’re at the gym at 5-6am, between sets I guess. There’s one guy I know who literally does his morning 5K while on a work call to his PA. Admittedly the last guy is pretty much the second most important after CEO at this firm and it’s his head of office but it isn’t as unusual as others would make out.

He is overstepping a bit isn't he. Do they ever do anything socially together? Or is it all just phone chat?

That doesn’t smack of ‘zero chance of affair’ to me

This is a story as old as time.. let me guess. She is younger, attractive and single. These men never ever seem to suddenly be best buddies with 50 year old Mandy who has a muffin top.

I had this same problem. I complained to him, and so he went to her and told her what I said! Both of them anccused me of being jealous, immature, the lot. That made me more suspicious and I went back and found their relationship had gone too far before.
try to find out why he is using her for emotional support and if you can be there for him. Ask him if he married her or you. Then add that as you are his wife and try to find more ways to build closeness with him and connect with him. 🙂

I have not seen her. She’s married.

This might be nothing at the moment, but it is exactly how emotional affairs begin. You aren't comfortable with it because your gut is telling you this isn't right.