To expect my DH to give up alcohol?

[Pushhhh]

If you were a recovering alcoholic would you expect your partner to give up alcohol to support you?

@Ddakji

So, along with the clearly novel idea that couples support each other, my tolerance for those who couldn’t give up, at the very least in the house or in front of their partner, in the face of their partner’s struggles with addiction is quite low

I agree with this. Obviously no one should be compelled to stop drinking but if your partner is an alcoholic why wouldn’t you a) want to give them the best chance of staying sober and b) want to take a good hard look ar your own relationship with alcohol.

Digging your heels in and saying “your addiction, your problem”, seems almost guaranteed to make it really difficult for the partner to recover.

You are effectively saying: “I value alcohol more than my relationship with you.”

I wouldn't stay with someone who developed an alcohol addiction and I'd expect the same if I developed one, too. I drink about once a month and always socially. Maybe a bottle of wine between three friends. I wouldn't give that up for an alcoholic partner.

"b) want to take a good hard look ar your own relationship with alcohol."

I don't have a problematic relationship with alcohol. I don't want a relationship where I have to help anyone stay sober.

I’m over 4 years sober. When I stopped my husband offered to as well. I said no. This was my issue not his and in an alcohol soaked society you cannot about it being in your surroundings.

No it's not his problem to overcome

Tbh my husband doesn’t drink much anyway. He mainly drinks whisky and pours himself one measure and that’s him for the evening. He drank more when I was and I’d pour him wine/make cocktails

I'd hope for no alcohol in the house I think and not coming home stumbling & smelling of alcohol.

To me those seems pretty easy ways of helping your spouse.

Alcohol isn't important to me at all though.

No. I’m married. I’m sober 6 years. DH drinks most nights.

Now, that was a gradual thing in terms of his drinking returning to that level around me. And I still have firm boundaries. But I don’t think you can expect someone to stop for you, no.

No, I'd expect no alcohol in the house, but I wouldn't expect them to stop drinking if they were out and about.

No.
If I don't drink, it's up to myself for any reason.
Nothing to do with others.
And yes, I used to binge a lot when younger and make a fool of myself.
If others want to proceed, they are welcome.

@OneNattyReader

I don't have a problematic relationship with alcohol. I don't want a relationship where I have to help anyone stay sober.

I wouldnt either. But honestly if you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic thats what you are faced with. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a drinker at all now.

You can leave the relationship

Yes I know. I did.

Good for you, seriously. But then why would anyone have to help their partner to stay sober if we both agree one can leave?

@OneNattyReader

Good for you, seriously. But then why would anyone have to help their partner to stay sober if we both agree one can leave?

No one has to do anything. But I know from experience that being the partner of an alcoholic is all or nothing. If someone is trying to stay dry they need to be in a dry environment and if the other person isn’t dry then it will impact the relationship. Its not impossible. But it needs a significant life change on the part of both partners.

No I'd expect a compromise. No alcohol in the house.

I think it's important to accept that this is one of those situations (like most situations really!), where there is no one true way, no cut and dried absolutes.

When I came to my turning point, one of the first things DH did was get my support for getting rid of any alcohol in the house. Within 20 minutes, and before I'd set food out the bedroom, it was gone!

Secondly, without me asking or requiring, he just didn't drink alcohol for quite some time. It wasn't a big deal for him, and he didn't make it one.

But, I sincerely enjoy him unwinding with a glass of wine at the end of the day. It doesn't make me feel deprived, or resentful. I'm just grateful that he held on so long throughout my destructive life with alcohol, supported me in my journey (sorry, but it was!) to become sober, and we can enjoy life together today, him with his glass of red, me with my glass of zero alcohol rose.

I don't need his help to stay sober. Staying sober is on me, and me alone.

But as I say, it's different for everyone, and everyone's circumstances are unique to them.

Oh, and I guess it's plain from above, but our house isn't a 'dry' environment. There are a couple of bottles of red in progress, and cooking wine in the house.

I don't find it necessary for my sobriety for it to be any other way.

I think it’s unreasonable to ask him to give it up completely. I think it’s reasonable to say you don’t want him to drink in front of you or to keep it in the house.

I think that if he wants the best for you, he’d do these things automatically.

That's just not true for all! Have several alcoholics amongst my family and in laws. They can all handle being around alcohol. Tey are all 10+ years sober.

As usual- what is the context op? Not half the story

No, a friend has alcohol “issues”
and her husband initially gave up alcohol to help her. However, their marriage has started to come under strain as my friend doesn’t want to go anywhere that serves alcohol.

Difficult, I wouldn’t want to completely give up alcohol tbh, I don’t drink much and enjoy a nice glass of wine/g&t if out for dinner. I would be willing to give up alcohol at home though if DH was an alcoholic.

Their marriage would be under strain. Your friend has basically become a different person and it's affecting many aspects of the life they share. Just imagine your partner becoming a devout Christian or Muslim whereas before they weren't at all religious. Avoiding places that serve booze more or less means never going out for a meal for example, at least not together. It also means avoiding weddings, christenings and the majority of other events. That's a big ask and almost impossible to achieve.

You are the one with an issue with alcohol, you cannot demand others around you also give it up.