To expect my DH to give up alcohol?

[Pushhhh]

If you were a recovering alcoholic would you expect your partner to give up alcohol to support you?

No

No but I'd expect them to agree to no alcohol in the house. If they didn't think this was reasonable I'd rethink the relationship tbh.

No, not at all. That's not healthy. Alcohol is everywhere and alcoholics need coping mechanisms.

No, I didn't, and I don't. I enjoy him enjoying his glass of red. My daughter also. He would have been more than happy to, but this isn't his cross to bear - any more than I'd already made it!

It helps that my preferred poison was white wine.

There is sometimes a thought process that needs to happen.

A friend is an alcoholic, went into rehab.

Partner and family in denial, partner and Mum also "heavy drinkers" - in reality also alcoholics.

She relapsed within a month, as partner continued drinking and it was too much.

In this case she needed to leave partner, as was very co-dependant.

She lost her job as a result, and still drinks.

If partner was able to moderate his drinking and/or just drink away from her, she may have been fine.

No. Some people cannot handle alcohol and therefore should not consume it at all, but if you are not one of them, you should not feel obliged to abstain entirely.

The thing with addiction is, to beat it, you have to reframe the substance from a thing you need, to being a bad thing in your mind. It's not hard to find a die-hard, sanctimonious ex smoker for that reason. That's a really hard thing to do if someone is "enjoying" the substance around you in your own home. It's really not support, it's active contradiction of the spirit behind recovery.

I’m neither of those things. I drink very occasionally because I’m not really fussed about it but don’t like the taste of non-alcoholic versions or diet sodas, so it leaves only sparkling water or sugary fruit juices.

I will have a beer maybe once a month at a restaurant or with an Indian takeaway. DP drinks non-alcoholic versions of beer or wine most nights. He’s 7 years sober and has also battled with other addictions. I still take cocodamol in front of him (he’s 2 years clean of codeine), as he’s got it well enough under control that me using those substances doesn’t cause him stress or temptation.

He said from the start that he’s ok with someone else drinking in front of him, but if it was eg every day or in ALL social settings etc he might be thinking they also have an alcohol problem so that would be problematic for him to be around.

Nope. Your addiction.

Also, very importantly, keep alcoholic drinks and non-alcoholic versions separate in the fridge!

My DP accidentally opened a can of normal IPA as it looked very similar to his cans and he’d misunderstood when I told him what I’d bought. Luckily he noticed within one sip and gave it to me

If my husband was an alcoholic, I would not sit and drink in front of him. That’s just cruel and unnecessary, and I couldn’t enjoy it. I’d still go out and drink with my friends, but I’d also be careful not to wave it in his face, so sleeping in the spare room and showering first thing so I don’t reek of alcohol.

I don’t think it’s fair for someone to insist on this, but why wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you want to avoid throwing temptation in their face?

No I wouldn't expect that, it would not be fair at all on him. But, I would ask (but not expect, either) that he not drink at home or not have alcohol at home. But again, that might be hard for things like Christmas, etc. I understand it's difficult, I myself struggle with alcohol addiction, but I certainly would not expect other people to give it up, that would be selfish and not fair at all.

I don’t think any adult can expect to control the behaviour of another adult. So ultimately no.

That said, part of the risk for someone giving up alcohol is the habits and the environment which enable it. So I think it’s reasonable to put some guardrails in place to support you. For example obviously not having alcohol in the house and only drinking when he’s not at home.

It also depends on your DH’s behaviour around alcohol and your relationship. If he is able to drink in a moderate and healthy way then its very different from him going out and getting hammered. Did your relationship revolve around alcohol? If it did you would need to basically renegotiate a lot of the way your relationship works. It’s much more likely you will lapse if the most significant person in your life is drinking. How much does he drink?

I would yes. If my partner struggled with alcohol addiction i'd want to support them by not bringing alcohol into the house. Alcohol addiction can be so completely destructive why would anyone want to increase the risk of that in a loved one?!

Absolutely not!
this is your addiction and you need to be able to deal with it

@Mumofteenandtween

In my experience though there are two types of people who are married to alcoholics. 1. Those that have learnt to hate alcohol and everything it means. They would happily never drink ever again if it meant their spouse got sober. 2. Those that have an alcohol problem themselves but don’t want to admit it. It is almost impossible to get and stay sober whilst remaining married to them

This is an excellent point. Being married to an alcoholic has a huge impact on your life and its impossible to not be touched by it. Your husband is very likely to either be very anti alcohol (because he’s seen what it does to you), or to be a problem drinker himself or at least someone who is relaxed in a heavy drinking environment. The way you navigate this will depend on which.

There have been many times in recovery when I've been very glad to be single, and this issue is one of them.

I know some couples where the partner has agreed to have no alcohol in the house and only drink socially with friends, which seems to work well.

Then I know some others where the partner has refused to stop drinking in front of the alcoholic, saying "you're the one with the problem, not me". This has created issues for the alcoholic and I've known some relapse, others have ultimately had to leave the relationship because of it. I know of a few who have somehow managed to stay sober and married, but frankly I think it's piss poor behaviour from a partner, especially if they've been begging the alcoholic to get sober for years.

It would be like your partner having a life threatening nut allergy and sitting there scoffing peanuts.

No, although it would nice if they did. I think they defo shouldn’t drink in the house or have alcohol in the house - that would be unfair on an alcoholic and defo unsupportive. You can’t expect them to give it up completely when out if they want a drink though.

no. If he/she can’t be around alcohol at all then maybe not drink at home but frankly unless the person is going to be a hermit there will always be occasions when people are drinking.

No, I think it’s wholly unreasonable to make your issue somebody else’s

Personally, and as a daughter of someone who had some issues with alcohol, I’d give up drinking in the house. I’d still have a drink when out with others but not with you. So neither really.

I gave up drinking 12 years ago. My husband stull drinks and I would t dream of 'making' him stop. He'll maybe have a couple every now and then in the evenings at home, and if he goes to the pub to meet his friends he may come back jolly and a bit irritating but why would I stop his enjoyment? Just because I absolutely cannot drink sensibly it doesn't mean his sensible drinking should be stopped!
I wish I could join him sometimes but I can't so that's that

I agree with everyone saying no alcohol at home / kept in the house ever again and not in front of you for some time (a couple of years?) but no need to give it up completely.

It’s very interesting about those partners who also have a problem, but won’t give it up. Even if their problem hadn’t caused issues for others so haven’t had the wake up call to give it up, I can imagine it’s impossible to get sober with them around.

I agree with other posters. I’d expect consideration but not for him to be tea total.

I think it says a lot that for many the answer would be a flat out “no”. Suggests problem drinking among a lot of posters.

My mum never have up smoking after my dad had a heart attack and had to stop. He would take drags of her cigarettes. He dropped down dead of a heart attack in his early 60s and I often wonder if he wouldn’t have if my mum had given up with him (she might not have subsequently died of lung cancer either).

So, along with the clearly novel idea that couples support each other, my tolerance for those who couldn’t give up, at the very least in the house or in front of their partner, in the face of their partner’s struggles with addiction is quite low.