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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to help out with household chores?

63 replies

cheeset · 04/06/2008 15:18

My husband work full time Mon-Fr and has a very responsible and stressful job which takes an hr to commute. He leaves the house at 6.30am and generally gets in before 6.30pm so a 12hr day.

He is also responsible for doing DIY in our house, which he does sporadically at the w/e.

I work 3 mornings a week.

I have the responsibility of the children, I ferry the 2 dc's to Rainbows, Scouts, French, Ballet, and sort all things to do with the school,blah blah.

I take care of the dc's (6)&(11)every half & summer terms on my own apart from one week when DH is with us for our annual family holiday.

I have responsibility of the household, cleaning, washing, ironing, finances, car etc..

I have responsibility of our social life, if I don't arrange, we don't do.

Should I expect my DH to do anymore in the house in the way of chores?

What i'm aiming for is to lose my martyr mentality and to stop feeling like I'm the one who does everything. Of course I don't, DH works hard but away.

AIBU?

OP posts:

NotABanana · 04/06/2008 15:20

Number 2999787 in this type of thread.

I truly feel that if your partner does not help around the house then you should stop doing things for him. It should be a partnership. You are both adults, both live in the home and enjoy its benefits and are equal parents.

Stop this (assumed) crap that men seem to think as they get paid hard cash for what they do, it is worth more than what you do.

End of rant.

belgo · 04/06/2008 15:23

Get a cleaner.

EstherGreenwood · 04/06/2008 15:24

divorce him

mumblechum · 04/06/2008 15:25

2999788 I think you'll find Not a Banana!

If he's doing that many hours and you're only working 3 mornings a week, then tbh I think you should be taking responsibility for most things. If you were both working FT then it should be 50/50.

Original poster

cheeset · 04/06/2008 15:26

NotABanana, what do I do with that number?
I take it threads been 'done' yeah right!!

OP posts:

NotABanana · 04/06/2008 15:28

I wasn't having a go.

I just find it sad that men can't step up to the plate more.

WowOoo · 04/06/2008 15:28

What actually do you want him to do though?
I had a moan at mine and I have had

White tops stained by red tshirt hence a whole pink wash that I have to rewash and bleach to rty to rescue.

Storage boxes reorganised in a most annoying wrong sized fashion.

Unable to find anything in boxes that is mine now due to above.

Some of my favourite books taken to charity.

Soapy suds left on things. Can taste soap in my tea and would love a dishwasher rather than DH sometimes !!

So, I jsut do it all myself as it really never is right unless I do it.
Sorry, doesn't help!

NotABanana · 04/06/2008 15:30

And that is exactly why they make a hash of it. So you won't want them to do it again.

WowOoo · 04/06/2008 15:30

That was just a weeks worth of disasters too.
Don't get me started on the DIY, at least he does that (well?, I hope!!).

WowOoo · 04/06/2008 15:32

Do you really think so?
I mean really?
I wouldn't put it past him. Will force him to watch and learn later, just incase...(and he will be thinking about blooming football or dinner or work or something and not listening to my very very important how to operate gentle cycle on machine!)

WowOoo · 04/06/2008 15:32

WowOoo · 04/06/2008 15:38

Cheese - I would advise cooking him his fave meal or something once a week in return for a little bit of help as and when he gets the energy.

I was about to have another rant at mine tonight when I discovered 2 broken glasses (he did dishes) today! But, he works such long hours compared to mine that I know I just CANT and will have to grin and bear it.

Or just try not ironing his shirts etc and see what happens if you're brave!!

NotABanana · 04/06/2008 15:48

I can't believe it. She is tired too. Just tell him to get his arse into gear!!

Original poster

cheeset · 04/06/2008 15:50

Bless u all ladies, I know I have that martyr mentality. I can't see what he does at work but I know it's full on.

It's hard with dc's with all the guilt ie they are ignored when you do housework, we could be better mothers/fathers, they are having probs at school, so & so's coming for a play,blah blah blah.

Trying to post at the same time as posting off ebay stuff so forgive..distracted!

OP posts:

bozza · 04/06/2008 15:54

Well TBH your DC are past the labour intensive stage (yes I know that being that age brings a whole other set of things - activities, reading, homework etc - my oldest is 7) and you do work only a little so I think you should be doing the bulk.

If he is doing things like leaving his socks by the side of the bed and putting his mug on the top not in the dishwasher then he is taking the piss. I would expect him to do those things and also odd things like empty the dishwasher at weekends or whatever. But not a great deal more TBH.

Tommy · 04/06/2008 15:55

I would say that first you have to stop using the expression "help out" which gives the mpression that it is your job and that he is helping you (or not, as the case may be.)

My DH goes to work. I stay at home and look after house and DSs. When he comes home, we both look after the house and DSs - that's it really. It's our house - he has just as much responsibility as me.

I'm not it's perfect by any means but that is our underlying principle.

Gipfeli · 04/06/2008 16:03

I think you need to work out what you would like him to do and think about what tasks he could do (in terms of time and yours/his preference/skills - e.g. in our house I do the laundry since I am stupidly obsessive about it, dh does hoovering since I hate it, I wash up since it hurts his back, he empties bins since apparently I don't put the new bin bag in properly ).

For me I don't really care too much about what DH does but as a general rule, when one of us is doing some chore the other is doing something too. No-one sits down "relaxing" while the other runs around "working".

Original poster

cheeset · 04/06/2008 16:42

Yeah I know I should do bulk but it annoys me at the weekend when he sits at the pc and just looks at ebay and generally gets in my way. He rarely bothers with the dc's, I take them out and entertain them although not so much with ds who 11.

I don't keep tabs on him when he is D.I.Y. ing as I know he's contributing to the house and I am with the dc's so that's fair.

I just wish he would organise and enthuse about going somewhere or doing something and maybe think about taking a wet towel off the bed or raising the blinds or emptying the dishwasher or bringing his cup/glass down from the side of the bed...

OP posts:

ChairmumMiaow · 04/06/2008 17:12

TBH although I understand where you're coming from, in term time I would try to do everything for DH. Holidays I would ask him to do certain jobs - maybe his own ironing and washing up after dinner to take some of the pressure off me, but with DCs of that age I imagine they play reasonably well on their own for at least part of the day to enable you to get stuff done.

If you're feeling under pressure I'd also make sure you get an evening or half a day at the weekend to do something for yourself.

Having said that DH works really hard running the business I started, and also does everything except shopping and cooking at the moment (and the odd bit of washing) although our DS is only 4 months

ChairmumMiaow · 04/06/2008 17:17

Just to add, at the weekend it should generally be 50/50

sponkle · 04/06/2008 17:21

Hi Cheeset, No yanbu at all! I expect my husband to help out with the household chores and I'm a fulltime sahm at the moment. When we are both at home, we share what needs doing...obviously i try not to take the piss and leave it all for when he is there but if I'm ill or whatever, he can manage perfectly well as he's used to helping out so much. We are a team, and we think its importanat for our children to see that bot hparents need to do stuff. He does a full on job too but can load the dishwasher and bring me a cup of coffee in bed EVERY day as well as cook, iron, shop, do washing etc. That way it leaves us more time to enjoy chilling out together. btw my 12 yo ds cooks a meal once a week so he knows what to do when he's older and he loves it, it's great for his independence and we really appreciate his input. he can hoover and load the washing machine too if asked. Try getting your children involved to help you out around the house. Just because you are at home doesn'tm an you are everyone's servant.

Flashman · 04/06/2008 17:22

The big question - what do you want him to do?? I have a deal with DW - I cook and she cleans. She dusts and I will hoover. She paints the top of a wall (my hands are not steady, and I end up painting celling), I paint the rest. We ended up drawing up all jobs and how long it takes and did a 50 / 50 split. Maybe you could try the same.. In my experience you have to use a logical approach with the chaps - ie a full break down - otherwise if is seen as just nagging and it does not sink in. Note the DW drew up the split and I have still not been able to come up with an effective counter why I don't have to do my half!!

hullygully · 04/06/2008 17:24

Why does he get to work 12 hours a day and you 18? And then he gets w/e's off. Can't see how that's fair.

Flashman · 04/06/2008 17:27

hullygully - by god that is brave. You will burn for that.

I will just say early that the poster did not say in the hours that she is at paid work that she was sitting on her butt!!!

Original poster

cheeset · 04/06/2008 18:13

I rarely get time off. Our house is a DIY abortion ATM, crap everywhere. DH is so exhausted I don't blame him for being tired when he gets home but I feel like a single parent. All credit to single parents because although I use them as an example and I cannot imagine how that feels, it does feel quite lonely having to think about everything and do everything for them on my own.

I have asked DH to give DD a shower/bath in the evening but unless I shimmy and nagg him to get it done, he leaves it later and later then I worry she will not get enough sleep.

Thing is, I don't think he should do the washing,ironing, cooking(unless on a sat), I just want him to enjoy the kids more by popping out say to the park or the Library etc and generally being more involved in their lives.

OP posts:

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