To expect my husband to help out with household chores?

[cheeset]

My husband work full time Mon-Fr and has a very responsible and stressful job which takes an hr to commute. He leaves the house at 6.30am and generally gets in before 6.30pm so a 12hr day.

He is also responsible for doing DIY in our house, which he does sporadically at the w/e.

I work 3 mornings a week.

I have the responsibility of the children, I ferry the 2 dc's to Rainbows, Scouts, French, Ballet, and sort all things to do with the school,blah blah.

I take care of the dc's (6)&(11)every half & summer terms on my own apart from one week when DH is with us for our annual family holiday.

I have responsibility of the household, cleaning, washing, ironing, finances, car etc..

I have responsibility of our social life, if I don't arrange, we don't do.

Should I expect my DH to do anymore in the house in the way of chores?

What i'm aiming for is to lose my martyr mentality and to stop feeling like I'm the one who does everything. Of course I don't, DH works hard but away.

AIBU?

Aw Cheeset, I know how you feel, my husband is away on business and my two have both been ill the last few days and I'm exhausted! and my dh keeps emailing me to tell me howmuch fun he's having and how great it is to sleep in at the weekends!feeling like you are going it alone is horrible, have you talked to him about how you feel? He is behaving like a third child IMHO jut because he has a demanding job doesn't mean he can't have a life out of work...sounds as though he could gain a lot by having more to do with the children, but remember that if he has a lot of pressure to deal with at work maybe you should try to step back a little and let him be with the children in his own way without being chivvied (sp?) about it.

but arent your kids at school all week?
just do the cleaning on the 3 half days you are home from work and they are at school.
on the 2 full days that you are at home while they are at school then put your feet up and go on the pc etc to match his days off at the weekend.
If you want a day out at the weekend all together then suggest one.
Thats what I do, say 'lets all go to the beach today and have a picnic!' or 'lets all go swimming today and then out for lunch, we havent had a family day out for ages' and see what happens!

or say 'i need to go and get my haircut, why dont you take the kids to the park while i'm out. would you like that kids?' and as they jump around saying 'yes please daddy!!!' he wont be able to say no!
Then stay out after your haircut/manicure/lunch with a friend and do some window shopping and have your time off!

2point4kids, I will assert myself. I will tackle the chaos in my home when I finish work on my three days. Trouble is, I clean for people and I'm knackered when I finish. The other two days shopping and general catching up.

I need to get another job. Cleaning for people is not what I intended to do but it fits in with the dc's. I am bored mentally.

Gonna pop dd up now and do shower, story, DH goes out on a Wed, back soon.

My DP works the same amount of hours yours does so long days with long commutes, our DC are younger than yours 3 and 2 and I'm also pregnant with number 3.

In the evening he gets back at 6.30pm has dinner then spends the rest of time the time before the DDs go to bed playing with them or bathing them, we then put them to bed together. He will do odd things like empty the dishwasher but doesn't really do housework during the week which is fine.

Weekends it's 50/50 although just now he is doing most of the housework as I can't. He will also send me upstairs for a nap most weekends.

I don't know what to suggest TBH seems to me he has an easy life with you doing everything for the children, I think he needs to get a bit more involved in their lives, why can't he do more ferrying to activities and get more involved in their school etc?

I think some men are happy just to potter along with an easy life and actually need a rocket up their a**.

On the otherhand maybe he would like to be more involved but because you do everything he feels like he has to take a back seat? I think you need to have a serious talk with him.

but sweet kitty how can he ferry the kids to the activities and get involved in school when he works mon to fri long days?
The OP is at home most of the time while the kids are at school so why shouldnt she be the one to do the ferrying around and school stuff?
I just dont get it....

BTW I have 2 boys (2 year old and a 3 month old) and I do most of the housework during the week. i do the bulk of it while DS1 is at nursery (3 afternoons a week). If I dont have time to it all because DS2 needs my attention then I either leave it or ask DH to do do something to help when he gets home. If I say 'I've had a shocker of a day, do you mind putting some dinner on?' he will rarely object. If he does say he is knackered too, then fair enough we can go to the chippie!
At weekends to be honest neither of us do hardly any housework at all. We both prefer to do fun stuff as a family as its the only time we get together. We go out a lot and the time we do spend at home we just ignore if the carpets need hoovering or if the surfaces need dusting!

I do think he should help with bath time though if he is home early enough in the evenings.
How about thinking of ways to stop him delaying and faffing so he gets into the swing of doing it?
Perhaps say 'I'm just about to put dinner on, it'll be 45 mins, can you bath DD and read her a story while I'm cooking please?' then he will have a deadline to work to...
Or say 'RIGHT now we need to tidy up these toys and get DD bathed.. do you want to tidy or do the bath and I'll do the other?'

or even run the bath and tell them to get a move on before it gets cold?
or make it into a joke with DD and get her to tickle Daddy until he starts her bath as he needs a kick start?

God sorry. I've got verbal diarrhoea today. I will stop now!!

(BTW easy way to remember to spell diarrhoea is Doesnt It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle )

I will really stop now!

2point4kids, thanks for your input I appreciate it. I think I feel a bit lack lustre. I would like to go back to work in an office but lack confidence. I don't think being at home has helped my morale at all because it is so mundane. I feel lazy minded IYSWIM.

Each task at home seem like hard work because we are doing alot in the house and there are alot of shit areas that are full of bits and peices.

My bedroom hasn't got a carpet, hey not a problem iv'e lived in worse but right next to the bed is a f**koff suitcases, 3 oak doors on the floor and a random peice of furniture. I'd lugg it all away but I'm on my 3rd hernia, awaiting op.

My Kitchen, I haven't had a sink since 1st April(DH started kitchen then) so have to use outside tap, I havent got a hob so can't bl cook stuff like eggs and pasta which the children adore. No work tops, just the units.

I am very mindful that I'm not starving to death and I'm not living on the street and my family are healthy, it just gets you down.

It's threads like these that make me feel lucky to be a lone parent.

I would be incandescent with rage if another adult I lived with and who claimed to love me, expressed his love by treating me like a skivvy.

Yes YABU. It's not just your job to look after your home, it's his home too, it shouldn't be a question of him "helping" you; when you're there and he's not, obviously it's your job, but when you're both there, it's his job to clean his house up every bit as much as yours.

Is this attitude why I haven't got a husband?

Oh that sounds so stressful. I would be fed up too in your situation I have to say.
Is your DH good at responding if you sit down and have a good chat with him? Can you tell him how fed up you feel with all the stuff thats going on and ask him to take a couple of days holiday off work to clear all the stuff out your room and finish the kitchen so you can cook and wash up properly? (if you can afford to do it straight away)
Once there is less clutter I bet it will surprise you how much your mind feels clearer as well and you will be able to think about what you want to do work wise.
Good Luck. I'm here to chat if you ever want to!

my dp is a shift worker and what drives me mad is that if he is starting early he cant help in the house as he has to rush straight out and when he gets back he is 'too tired' as he has been at work at all, because running around after a very demanding four year old while dealing with a baby and trying to do the house work is easy isnt it?

but when he is on lates he cant get up on a morning as he has epilepsy and needs to sleep in or he will get too tired at work .

a few tricks i have tried is 'whats for tea?'
my answer 'nothing as there are no clean pots to cook it in as no one washed up last night after i cooked and i am not willing to do both!!' i gave up on this one though as he would just go to his mum or order takeaway! grown up baby me thinks!!! but it might work for you.

another that has had some success is give him tasks to do but realistic, he is not going to go from doing nothing to be happily helping with everything you would like. atm dp's 'chores' are the bins and cleaning the yard. although we have a lot of arguments over the yard. apparently he can only do it when he is not at work as he either goes too early and is tired when he gets back or it is too dark when he gets back after lates (try getting up before lunch time then tosser!!!)

however he does take care of all the financial stuff, diy i can do better myself he doesnt have a clue. a convo about our cuboard door that fell off went something like this.
him; ive bought a drill
me;why
him;to put that door back on;
me; oh okay well have you got hinges?
him;no there are already some there
me; yes but they are broken thats why the door fell off
him; ill have a look oh i cant do it the hinge has fallen out and it wont go back because it took some of the door frame off so there is nowhere to put it
me;put them somewhere eles then, they dont have to be in the same place never mind ill do it myself once i get some new hinges!!!

dont just put up with it, my dp is far from perfect but is getting a lot better now that he knows exactly how much is expected off him and dont forget men cant 'see' mess. if you ask to help he is probably looking around wondering what needs doing. be specific and make it clear what you want him to do. e.g instead of having a tizzy becasue he never helps try saying, would you mind doing x, y or z for me after dinner i am really tired as i have already done a, b and c today.

sorry just read through the post re the bathing i had this problem when dd2 came along as he said his back hurt try pointing out that he rarely does it in a way that may make himn feel guilty ie i dont know why dont bath dc they really love it, its thier best time of day and you never see it. do you know they are x old and you have only bathed them x amount of times. you really are missing out.

nagging never ever works it will just make you seem like thier mum who more than likely would nag nag nag and then do it for them anyway.

Ah a lot more info come out now. So yes he is taking the piss. Yes you should be doing the bulk of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc but:

"I just wish he would organise and enthuse about going somewhere or doing something and maybe think about taking a wet towel off the bed or raising the blinds or emptying the dishwasher or bringing his cup/glass down from the side of the bed... "

is taking the piss and disrespecting him. You are his wife not his skivvy.

And, of course, it is much harder to keep a house clean and tidy if it is full of DIY projects and minus a working kitchen. So much more sympathy now that I understand the situation more.

I have sat down and talked to my DH and we sort out who jobs are who's but it all goes to pot.

I am going to make more of an effort to clear the crap areas as suggested in 'FLY' ie 5 mins on one area

The trouble with me being more organised is that I will be more on his case like a sgt major.

My personal feeling is that you should perhaps do more housework than your DP as you are at home more often. However, he should definitely help out and not expect you to do it all.

The way I see it, people don't sit down and talk about these things enough.

If you are a SAHM and your DH works full-time, I'd assume, unless I'd been told otherwise, that you'd had a conversation quite early on in your pregnancy about what was going to happen, and that you'd agreed that one of you would do Job A, Earning The Money, and that the other would do the equally-valid Job B, Managing The House.

I'd expect it to work, mutatis mutandis, like this according to the level of outside work - so if someone does 90% of the paid work (income, time, however you want to measure it) they respond by doing 10% of the housework. And so on, up to when you both work full-time and are earning give-or-take the same, where you split the household chores 50-50.

I would not expect a DH who worked full-time and earned all the money also to contribute a significant amount towards being the household manager.

Having said that I know a lot of people who are the sole earners and they all do a bit, more because they want to help than because they feel they should.

The response to this on here is often "but he thinks his job finishes at 7pm when he comes in and puts his feet up, whereas mine is still carrying on around him." If that's the case, manage your time so it's not. During my brief period as a SAHD, I aimed to get all the household stuff done during "office hours" - 8 to 6. It's hard, but do-able, when you have babies or small children. It's a piece of piss when they are at school and you have the entire house to yourself for 6 hours a day, every day.

Usual caveats of "everyone's situation is different, but," apply.

Thanks UnquietDad, I do all the hosehold bit always have done, my DH has never ever used the w/machine, maybe ironed twice in 12 years. I dont expect him to do it either. I suppose I want him to be more proactive when he gets home and at the weekend.

I will work on him more

God, I'm increasingly finding myself agreeing with UQD.

But yes, it seems to me that if one person is working their arse off 12 hours a day (in whatever fashion), the other one should be as well - that's what a partnership is about. To the extent that they're not you'd expect them to be picking up the slack in the evenings.

When I was a SAHD for a couple of months, DW would get up for work at 6.15am and so would I. She'd start getting ready for work and I'd get breakfast ready, unload dishwasher, get DD up, fed, dressed etc. She'd leave for work at 7.00am and (if DD was at nursery that day) take DD to nursery and then do household chores, DIY, shopping, ironing cooking until picking DD up again at about 5.00pm by which time DW would come home.

It was pretty bloody rare that there were still chores to do by the time that DW came home, but if there were then we'd split them in the evenings. On the other hand, if I found myself with a spare hour during the day to watch TV, read a book, play PS3 then I'd do extra stuff in the evenings (e.g. wash up, hang out washing, bath DD) so DW could chill out more as I'd had some time to relax during the day.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you're working flat out from 6.30 til 6.30 then yes, you should absolutely be splitting chores 50:50. If not, then you should be doing more.

I'd also say though, that where he's just being idle or inconsiderate (e.g. not taking down dirty glasses) then he does deserve a punitive kick in the bollocks on those occasions.

Every month or so somebody different says a variation on "Blimey, I agree with Unquietdad!" As if I am some sort of monster it's normally impossible to agree with!

I thought I was quite reasonable... by the standards of this place...

UQD, I think you're normally quite a reasonable chap actually.
There are worse, even on MN!

I would expect help at the weekends but weekdays I wouldn't.
Working three mornings a week, with both children at school, gives plenty of time for you to do the housework etc.

UQD - I agree totally with school age children, but think that the wage earner needs to do a bit more when there are younger children around.

I do all the house stuff in the day time and get both boys bathed and DS1 into bed before DH gets home but I expect him to help with the baby when he gets home as evening time is colic time and I would collapse in a heap without an hour of sitting down and vegging while DH jiggles the baby when he gets in.
He also cooks dinner too which I think is fair enough when I am up in the night with the baby...
I wouldnt be happy if he didnt do those things to help me.

I suppose it depends how it's done 2point4.

I'd never expect DP to do dinner when he gets in from work, but there are times he will, if for example, he knows I've had a hard day or a bad night with the baby. If I expected DP to do it he'd understandably get quite resentful of working all day and then having to come home to do the dinner as well.

He enables me to stay at home and live my life the way I want financially. He deals with all money matters and any DIY/car related things.

I enable him to go do a full-time job by taking care of the children and the house.

At the weekends we are both home so it gets split pretty much 50/50.