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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend broke up with me is it normal to still feel happy and positive about life ?

59 replies

Pinkflowers2 · 10/10/2025 12:37

I love him and was happy. He said he left because he wasn’t ready, he thought his life was more sorted than it was. So he ended the relationship as he feels like he’s unsure if we have a future.

I said to him I’m happy and don’t hate him, I’ve got a good job, great people around me, my own place and even though I love him and want to be with him I realised I’m ok with not being with him. And that I appreciate him coming in to my life ect and I understand if he doesn’t feel ready to be serious

He keeps saying I’m glad your happy sometimes randomly and I feel like he doesn’t mean it. He also made back hand comments about me reflecting about being grateful about my life and mentioned I didn’t need him in the relationship even though he tried to be in that position.

we didn’t make it to a year and I tried to explain positions are earned I can’t drop or alter my support network for him when I couldn’t guarantee he was here to stay and he’s kind of proved my point by leaving. I stated imagine if I relied on you like you wanted me to, you leaving would have left me really vulnerable.

I don’t feel as sad as I thought I would and I’m starting to feel like maybe he wasn’t actually there and wanted to support me like I thought but for selfish reasons instead.

im starting to get confused. He doesn’t want a relationship but he still wants to talk and support me through this. He keeps saying how sad and hard this is for him. He’s acting weird about the fact in happy. And he made a funny comment about “we know you’ve done better than most” when I’ve never said that. I was just saying I’m the break up has made me grateful about my life.

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 10/10/2025 12:41

He’s just immature I’m afraid. Lots of men are. He wants to be needed and now finds he’s not really needed at all. Go your own way and find someone who is grown up.

Silvertulips · 10/10/2025 12:42

What are you looking for?

Confirmation? I also do not need or rely on a man - I am independent and proud of it. Married 25 years and still have separate assets.

He’s here because I like him being here. There’s a difference between need and want.

Do you want an explanation of his behaviour?

It sounds neanderthal - He wanted to save you, protect you - and you haven’t succumbed to his ideal relationship and his ego wont let him.

Move on - don’t let him hover round looking for reassurance - if he dumped you he wanted you to beg.

Silvertulips · 10/10/2025 12:43

He rolled the dice and lost.

Cara707 · 10/10/2025 12:45

It sounds like you're reacting perfectly to me. Also the fact that he wants you to rely on him so much rings alarm bells anyway.

pikkumyy77 · 10/10/2025 12:46

He was using the break up to manipulate you into missing him and begging him to come back. He was deceitful and dishonest—the break up was a ploy to make you anxious and dependent on him. Now he’s angry you are fine with it and making fake gestures of support while actually passively aggressively complaining about your success snd happiness.

Just tell him calmly that you think he needs time to reflect on himself and his life choices so can he please just get in the bin already.

Fiftyandme · 10/10/2025 12:48

O wish I’d had your confidence and level head. Go you? It’s not the response he wanted and now he’s trying to manipulate and play games

InBedBy10 · 10/10/2025 12:49

He wants to support you through the break up he initiated??? Tell him to jog on.

He tried to get you to dump your support network? That's a big red flag. Even if you were with him for 20yrs, you still need to have friends and a life of your own.

I think he dumped you in the hopes you would fall apart and beg him to come back. Maybe even agree to stop seeing your friends.

The fact you're so fine with the break up says it all OP. I think deep down you know he's not the one for you.

Tell him you are no longer together so he needs to stop contacting you.

Do not take this man back.

Original poster
Pinkflowers2 · 10/10/2025 12:49

Silvertulips · 10/10/2025 12:42

What are you looking for?

Confirmation? I also do not need or rely on a man - I am independent and proud of it. Married 25 years and still have separate assets.

He’s here because I like him being here. There’s a difference between need and want.

Do you want an explanation of his behaviour?

It sounds neanderthal - He wanted to save you, protect you - and you haven’t succumbed to his ideal relationship and his ego wont let him.

Move on - don’t let him hover round looking for reassurance - if he dumped you he wanted you to beg.

@Silvertulips I think I’m mainly trying to understand what is going on. I’m confused about the he doesn’t want to be with me but wants to support me through the break up. The break up with quite a shock I did not see this happening. I don’t really know what he wants me to do or take this whole situation.

Im just super confused basically

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 10/10/2025 12:51

You sound perfectly healthy. He, on the other hand, sounds mightily put out that you're not falling apart and begging him to come back.

I'd wish him well, but say that continued communication isn't really doing anyone any favours and just cut ties there and then.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 10/10/2025 12:54

Massive red flags, here. Consider that you've had a lucky escape, OP, and don't agree to get back with him under any circumstances.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/10/2025 12:54

Oh ffs just block him and don't waste anymore headspace on him. The fact that you're so ok with it ending tells me that he probably wasn't a keeper anyway, and his behaviour confirms it.

PersephonePomegranate · 10/10/2025 12:55

Pinkflowers2 · 10/10/2025 12:49

@Silvertulips I think I’m mainly trying to understand what is going on. I’m confused about the he doesn’t want to be with me but wants to support me through the break up. The break up with quite a shock I did not see this happening. I don’t really know what he wants me to do or take this whole situation.

Im just super confused basically

Show quote history

He's playing you.

His ego couldn't handle an independent and happy woman, so he created a situation to destabilise you. That didn't work out gow he wanted either, so now he's trying to convince you that you need him around.

He's an utter knobhead and quite frankly, you've dodged a bullet here. This man would happily destroy you to make himself feel needed and bolster his catastrophic ego.

3luckystars · 10/10/2025 12:56

I wish I was more like you.

He does not want to be with you but he wants you to be UPSET, wailing into a pillow, living in pyjamas, stalking him online, following him and begging him to come back and complete you.

He doesn’t sound like the man for you at all!

I would also be glad if I were you. If you loved him, you would probably be more upset. You have a great outlook and a good balance. Good luck x

FourIsNewSix · 10/10/2025 12:57

Why does it matter now what he wants you to do?

You sound fine, he sounds either confused or as someone whose manipulation attempt backfired. In both cases, you can't do much, just keep your boundaries and let him resolve himself.

Zempy · 10/10/2025 12:57

I would stop further contact with him. Remove him from any SM.

Just get on with your life without him whinging in the background

mumofoneAloneandwell · 10/10/2025 12:58

😭 he wants you to suffer at losing him

Keep on being happy, it will tear him apart

JNicholson · 10/10/2025 12:58

Your reaction sounds really healthy to me. I think given that he chose to break up with you you owe him precisely zero, whatever it is that he wants now. However I’m going to diverge a little bit from the posters above, I don’t think it’s terribly inhuman or unnatural that he’s a little bit upset to find you don’t seem unhappy about the break-up, especially if you’ve actively been telling him he’s made you feel grateful for the rest of your life. I think most of us would like to feel we’d be missed if we left a relationship! However, his feelings about it aren’t your problem. I’d be inclined to disengage from telling him you feel grateful for your life without him, and just politely disengage from him in general.

FetchezLaVache · 10/10/2025 12:59

We should be able to bottle you and give a bit to any woman who needs to be a bit more @Pinkflowers2 !

Your response to the end of a <1yr relationship is super, super healthy. You find it a shame, but not devastating. You are happy and secure enough in yourself that you are able to let this man go if being with you turns out not to be what he wants for himself.

His response to your response, coupled with his expectations about where he should sit within the hierarchy of your other relationships, on the other hand, reveals an at-least-mildly fucked up individual you're better off without.

3luckystars · 10/10/2025 12:59

I remember breaking up with a boyfriend years ago and singing ‘I’m FREEEE to do whatever I want…’ by Oasis at the top of my voice on the walk home.

I was so happy. He was a nice guy but sometimes the song that comes out of your mouth is the truth.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 10/10/2025 12:59

Cut him off, he doesn't want to be with you but wants to keep you as a back up.
I had a boyfriend back in the day do this at around the year mark, I loved him and didn't want to split up but declined to be his friend and stay in touch as I knew that wouldn't work.

JNicholson · 10/10/2025 12:59

PersephonePomegranate · 10/10/2025 12:51

You sound perfectly healthy. He, on the other hand, sounds mightily put out that you're not falling apart and begging him to come back.

I'd wish him well, but say that continued communication isn't really doing anyone any favours and just cut ties there and then.

This nails it.

outerspacepotato · 10/10/2025 12:59

It's time to finish it and stop talking to him. Block his number and socials. Be civil if you run into him and that's it. He's not a friend, he's not a support, that's ridiculous. He's jerking you around and playing head games with you.

hollyivy123 · 10/10/2025 13:00

He sounds like a weirdo playing head games with you. How big is his ego if he thinks you need 'support' from him ending the relationship, does he think he's some sort of prize? Tell him the best 'support' he could give you would be to leave you to get on with your happy life, thank you very much.

Cinaferna · 10/10/2025 13:01

It's an ego thing. He is surprised not to have dented your self-worth when he ended things, and he's very surprised to find his own ego dented because you are still happy, which has maybe made him wonder how important he was to you.

It's quite an amusing and unusual situation. You have risen above him and moved on immediately.

SoloSofa24 · 10/10/2025 13:06

Well done! He wanted to make you totally dependent on and controlled by him, and failed. He is annoyed that you are not devastated about being dumped. Have fun without him and resist any attempts for him to 'support' you.