To see a pink flag

[KookyNewt]

My partner of 2 years had a boy's night out planned for last Friday. At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from my mum who was in a lot of pain. I called an ambulance and the paramedics said she'd had a heart attack.

The paramedics asked me if she had a DNR in place as they took her away as they were not sure if she would have another heart attack in the ambulance on route to the hospital.

I was already on edge as the voicemail from my mum had been screaming and pained seeing she's been on the floor for hours and now I wasn't sure if I was going to lose her.

I went to the hospital and there was with my mum until very late. My partner went on his boys night out which was fine but he didn't phone to see if she was okay

He sent a message but it didn't get through and I thought he hadn't sent one and was upset. When I saw him the next day I shared my upset and he showed me that he had sent a message but it just hadn't got through on WhatsApp.

So this was Saturday and he was now going on a planned trip to a different city to take his adult child out for lunch. If I fast forward a bit he had plans for that day on the next day anti carried on having all of his plans will stay with caring for my mom and hospital and being generally very stressed.

I was exhausted by Sunday night when I got a call to see she was suddenly going to be discharged. I missed a few meals over the weekend as I rushed on Friday and Sunday to do admissions and discharges

She was at home on Monday and I began calling social services extract etc to try and get support for her at home as I believe she was very poorly. aI was right in this regard - it turned out she required to be rushed back in on Tuesday she had deteriorated.

I came home at 1:00 in the morning from that hospital admission which was her second in a few days knowing that my partner was going out for lunch on the Wednesday. He wasn't sure if he'd see me later on in the day - we do live together. He might have gone back to his own house where he still lives with his ex-wife and eldest adult child.

It seems to have transpired though that he was still out on his lunch with his male friend until maybe 10 pm.

Am I being unreasonable to be bothered about this that again he didn't message to ask how my mum is. I'm also bothered that he's out drinking a lot as he was supposed to have curbed this earlier on in a relationship. To be fair to him though this is just a particularly busy week socially and not his norm.

So I did not see him on Wednesday evening and he did not call until after I was in bed. I'm afraid I was immature and did not take the call as I was just so emotionally exhausted thinking my mother would die this week and I couldn't be speaking to him and either raising my hurt or masking it.

Today he travelled from his own home abroad for a sports weekend with a group of men and he still doesn't know how my mum is and I've only just heard from him to say hope all is okay.

I appreciate I have waffled on in this post. A relationship is usually good and I can see everything that's on my mind but I'm currently too exhausted to see what is on my mind or even try in articulate it to myself.

I think I'm feeling a little bit abundant and that it feels like he's not on the phone asking how she is or how I am.

Perhaps this means I am rather needy I'm not sure.

In the relationship I had prior to this I got covid and my then boyfriend said "okay just call me when you're better" and yet when he was purely I would either take him to hospital or show up with soup and food etc.

I worry that I might have a pattern here of rejecting men for these type of reasons. I'd appreciate any input you have.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you even have a relationship OP. All this stuff going on and it makes absolutely no difference to his plans. On top of all that, he still lives with his ex-wife?
I've nothing to advise other than to throw this one back. He sounds pretty useless and definitely thoughtless.

Apologies for all the typos on this post (above). I just was trying out voice to text as I didn't have my glasses and I was rushing to dictate it all whilst in the hospital car park.

There are bits of it that don't make sense and I can see that now I have my glasses on!

Whilst there are many errors one which is very ambiguous is where I use the word abundant and what I said was I felt a burden/or needy.

Thanks @HisNibs he mostly lives with me but has stayed recently at his marital home for various legitimate reasons. For example if he has a boy's night out which means drinking beer then he'll stay at that house as I don't like the smell and I don't like seeing him drunk

My own family do not drink much alcohol at all and have never been drunk whereas his family are all very very heavy drinkers and arguably all have drink problems.

On this particular topic he's tending to cut down but I think he still probably sits around 15 to 20 units a week some of which is hidden if he's staying there I guess.

I just wonder if he has a difficult time with emotional availability and attunement. He tells me his ex-wife said he struggled with empathy.

I haven't been ill during our time together and this is the first serious thing that has happened in two years (mum being close to palliative care)

I didn't expect him to cancel any of his plans but I did imagine that he would interrupt those plans to call me and see how I am and how my mum is.

I do wonder about the thought that we don't have a relationship in your eyes.
I appreciate that my current doubts are skewed towards the current week.

Ordinary he's a very giving loving generous person who looks after me very well.

Given that most of his plans sound like light-hearted social ones (maybe not the lunch with his child - but certainly the others) I think it odd that he wouldn't at least offer to rearrange/postpone some of them. Even if you turned the offer down, it would show willing to be with you at a time when you really needed support. I think the keeping in touch issue is actually secondary to this. My ex and I lived 8,000 miles apart for some of our relationship (he was in the military) and when I went through a particularly devastating time he told me he could get on a plane within 24 hours if I needed him. I didn't in the end, but the fact that he offered meant the world to me. And I know he was serious - he forwarded me an email he had sent to his commanding officer alerting him to the fact that he might need to take emergency leave to fly to me.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum, I have been through very similar with my dad and I know how horrifying, lonely and tiring it all is - your emotions are put through the wringer over and over. I hope that she is on the road to recovery soon. Sometimes I think that situations like this bring a certain focus to areas of your life - like if you work for good people who will be flexible, if you have good friends who will rally round, and if you have a good partner who will be your rock to lean on. And sometimes we might choose to make decisions about what changes to make once things are on an even keel. I wish you all the best, you are being a fabulous daughter by the way.

He sounds very detached. He should have supported you.

Don’t give more of yourself than he gives to you.

Don’t be so quick to offer support when he doesn’t offer any to you.

That's a red flag. A bright red one.

He doesn't care about your wellbeing at all. He puts himself first. He leaves you questioning whether you just have high standards and questioning your own self worth. I would hazard a guess that even if it has been you in hospital he would not have prioritised you.

Just end it. You have correct standards.

Pink?! This is not pink it’s red, flashing and whirring like a siren. The word partner feels so out of place here, too. I’m sorry but this man isn’t the one. He just isn’t good enough or committed enough or just anything much at all. Sounds like he’s out living his best life and pops to yours if he’s got nothing else on. Living with his ex wife because he’s an alcoholic? Ok.

This is why this is a strange week. Usually he is attentive and loving. His diary doesn't look like this normally. A boy's night out happens, maybe, every 2 months. His trip away today, abroad, is for a ticketed sports event with 9 other male friends.

It's just the first time something serious has happened... and it's clashed with an unusually busy diary.

If this were reversed I'd have cancelled everything.

On Sunday my mum had an unsafe discharge from hospital (very unplanned too and she was rushed back on Tuesday). I was able to say, "no I don't think it's reasonable that you pop to the village pub for a Sunday dinner.....I need you to stay home and cook a meal for my ASN teenager

Technically he lives with me. When he's there it's to fix something in the house as it begins to get ready to be sold (so he can finalise finances and divorce), or, to stay over and see his adult kids who might temporarily be staying over when uni is off or because he's had a night out and wants to avoid me seeing him drunk. I don't like the smell of beer

Oh @KookyNewt please set your standards for a partner a bit higher. Surely you know you deserve more time and consideration than you are receiving from this guy.

He said if he were in hospital he wouldn't want any visitors or fuss. I've told him if I was id expect him to come. Maybe not everyday but some of the times

I'm trying to work out if this is an issue between us or whether it arose in an earlier relationship. I dated a nice man before but things unravelled when I got covid and a broken toe. I didn't expect my last DP to come in....but was upset he didn't leave food on the doorstep. I had very little after 2 weeks I'll and my teen was struggling too. Same virus and mum bedbound. It was actually just before Xmas.....I ended that relationship because of this. He had been poorly several times and I'd always visited, did his washing, bought him food, made pots of soup and he had said many times that no one had ever looked after him in that way ... and then when I needed him to he didn't visit or phone me.

So I do know I'm carrying the baggage of this last relationship into my current one. I do wonder if my standards ARE too high do I do appreciate you saying they are not. Thank you

Yes, I think you are right. I'm really questioning our relationship. Perhaps I will make a decision once things are on an even keel. I am not sure at this point if my mum will survive but I still imagine a time in the future when things will feel more calm.

My partner has already bought a ring for me and has been very vocal about marrying me once he is divorced.

I like the sound of that in one way as he does look after me and has given me lots of great financial advice and some emotional advice too. He has done so many things for me that have actually been life-changing. But another part worries that I might be trapped then; I always imagine that people who date or live together try harder than those who are married.

I have only been married once myself but by then husband had a mistress for six full years. I trust my current partner implicitly in this regard.

He stays with his ex wife.- red flag.
He says she lacks empathy! Well she probably got sick and tired of his behaviour.
He absolutely would have called you several times at the very least if he cared one single iota about you. Most people would offer to cancel these casual social arrangements.
I think you need to throw this one back op. He is very selfish.

Hi, usually I feel fully attended to for the last 2 years. It's just since Friday last week. I'm super disappointed with him this week; he feels selfish

In the 2 years we've been together, he rented a flat for 9 months, then lived with me. When he was between contracts (April -Sept) he mostly stayed there aside from coming over at weekends to stay with me. Initially he told me this was to spend time with his kids but later he told me it was because he could no longer afford the rent that he had offered me. (I've never asked him for rent but he insisted on paying the rent every month and still he bought a lot of the food and took me out for dinner)

I wonder regarding the empathy whether he is just neurodivergent; he struggles sometimes to read emotions and people. He also often projects what he would like onto others like he wouldn't want to be visited in hospital and therefore as soon as other people don't either.

I have taught him before that when a crisis hits I want him to show up for me. When he comes back from his sport weekend I will definitely discuss this with him as I feel very let down and alone

Are you sure it’s his EX? He’s behaving like you are his affair partner, he sounds awful and doesn’t care about you at all. Awful man. Sending hugs this is all you need.

Thanks @nomas I think you are right

No I don’t think you can class every single man who behaves like this as neurodivergent. The fact is we like in a patriarchal, sexist society. Men put themselves first. The vast majority of men are lazy. They are not all neurodivergent, that is an excuse. There are just as many neurodivergent women as men, I know several. They absolutely do not behave like this. Their background and upbringing plus life experience has made them like this.

Hi I might be missing why he's treating me like an affair partner.

Just to clarify I have seen the most vicious emails almost on a daily basis from his ex-wife whilst his are largely calm; the messages are always around trying to get the house ready for sale and to sort out the finances as she's very keen to move on as is he. I have no doubt in this regard and I have met all of his family, including some of his adult children. All his extended family have been socialized with on at least two or three occasions.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. People need to pick someone who is the same as them. If you are a kind, caring, giving person then you are better off with someone who is the same.
It never makes you happy to be with someone the complete opposite- never.

Thanks for your reply; I can't disagree with this

I think you are trying to excuse his behaviour by saying he had a very busy social week. But it’s not like he went to his plans just to avoid letting someone down - he was scheduled for lunch but chose to go out until 10pm. He was off having a nice time without knowing if you or your mum were ok. She could have passed away and if he can’t see how that would feel awful then there’s no hope for him. It didn’t even cross his mind to ask how things are let alone leave you dinner in the fridge or do something useful

I feel very let down by him this week. I guess I'm trying to articulate that he isn't normally like this and that this is the first big time our relationship has been tested.

I suppose I'm trying to put a balance here so that people who are kind enough to reply can understand that this behavior is unusual for him.

It's true that he went for lunch on Wednesday and didn't leave town until 10 p.m he wasn't meant to be drinking either but because he clearly did he stayed at his marital home to sleep off the booze.

As a result I haven't seen him since Wednesday morning and he hasn't asked me how my mum is presumably because he knows I'm upset with him.

I guess he is quite avoidant.

So far 17% say yes I'm being unreasonable. I appreciate those thoughts too .... would any of you be willing to share your thoughts on this please?

He isn't sufficiently interested in you to be bothered about your mum or how you're coping, and doesn't care enough about you to want to support you.
Your relationship is, for him, a superficial thing that meets certain needs, but lacks depth and real attachment.
I'm not sure what you're getting from a man with a drink problem who doesn't care for you, but whatever it is, I'm sure you'd find it in a better man, without too much trouble.
I hope all goes as well as it can with your mum.