To see a pink flag

[KookyNewt]

My partner of 2 years had a boy's night out planned for last Friday. At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from my mum who was in a lot of pain. I called an ambulance and the paramedics said she'd had a heart attack.

The paramedics asked me if she had a DNR in place as they took her away as they were not sure if she would have another heart attack in the ambulance on route to the hospital.

I was already on edge as the voicemail from my mum had been screaming and pained seeing she's been on the floor for hours and now I wasn't sure if I was going to lose her.

I went to the hospital and there was with my mum until very late. My partner went on his boys night out which was fine but he didn't phone to see if she was okay

He sent a message but it didn't get through and I thought he hadn't sent one and was upset. When I saw him the next day I shared my upset and he showed me that he had sent a message but it just hadn't got through on WhatsApp.

So this was Saturday and he was now going on a planned trip to a different city to take his adult child out for lunch. If I fast forward a bit he had plans for that day on the next day anti carried on having all of his plans will stay with caring for my mom and hospital and being generally very stressed.

I was exhausted by Sunday night when I got a call to see she was suddenly going to be discharged. I missed a few meals over the weekend as I rushed on Friday and Sunday to do admissions and discharges

She was at home on Monday and I began calling social services extract etc to try and get support for her at home as I believe she was very poorly. aI was right in this regard - it turned out she required to be rushed back in on Tuesday she had deteriorated.

I came home at 1:00 in the morning from that hospital admission which was her second in a few days knowing that my partner was going out for lunch on the Wednesday. He wasn't sure if he'd see me later on in the day - we do live together. He might have gone back to his own house where he still lives with his ex-wife and eldest adult child.

It seems to have transpired though that he was still out on his lunch with his male friend until maybe 10 pm.

Am I being unreasonable to be bothered about this that again he didn't message to ask how my mum is. I'm also bothered that he's out drinking a lot as he was supposed to have curbed this earlier on in a relationship. To be fair to him though this is just a particularly busy week socially and not his norm.

So I did not see him on Wednesday evening and he did not call until after I was in bed. I'm afraid I was immature and did not take the call as I was just so emotionally exhausted thinking my mother would die this week and I couldn't be speaking to him and either raising my hurt or masking it.

Today he travelled from his own home abroad for a sports weekend with a group of men and he still doesn't know how my mum is and I've only just heard from him to say hope all is okay.

I appreciate I have waffled on in this post. A relationship is usually good and I can see everything that's on my mind but I'm currently too exhausted to see what is on my mind or even try in articulate it to myself.

I think I'm feeling a little bit abundant and that it feels like he's not on the phone asking how she is or how I am.

Perhaps this means I am rather needy I'm not sure.

In the relationship I had prior to this I got covid and my then boyfriend said "okay just call me when you're better" and yet when he was purely I would either take him to hospital or show up with soup and food etc.

I worry that I might have a pattern here of rejecting men for these type of reasons. I'd appreciate any input you have.

When you say he’s not normally like this, what do you mean? Does he inconvenience himself for you ordinarily?

I honestly think that actions speak louder than words - his actions have been horrible haven't they? I mean the one time you expect someone to step up... and he stepped away. He can be as vocal as he likes about divorce, but he sleeps in the marital home, he doesn't treat you as an equal but as an after thought when it really matters. I am not trying to upset you or be cruel, I am honestly not.

But if your ardour for him after this hasn't disappeared or at least cooled then I am honestly baffled. When someone shows you their true colours, please believe them. I wouldn't add potential adultery into the mix - all you need now is for him to be a good partner and he really and truly isn't. I know it's hard to admit when you are so concerned for your mum - you can't have everything in life being put off balance all at once - stay with him for now if that is what you want.

But don't forget or excuse just how little you can rely on him. Because while this is the first time, it will not be the last. I am sorry to say that, but I'm not exactly a spring chicken and I have seen it too many times. I hope your mum survives. ❤️

It’s ever so easy to be a great boyfriend when everything is going great. Eating ice creams by a river and going on the London eye wearing Pom Pom hats.

But the point of having a partner is someone prioritising you, caring about you and what happens to yo7 and what happens to you. And being there when you need them, like when your mother has a heart attack.

What’s the point of being in a relationship when one of you can’t even be arsed to send a text to see if your mother is dead or alive?

Thanks; I've invested two years here. It would be hard to start again without giving him the chance to come good on this and to learn from it.

If I messed up like this I'd like to think that my partner would give me the opportunity to learn and grow from it

He's just sent me a post from abroad seeing this won't happen again. He added that if my mum had passed away then he would have canceled his trip abroad. That he didn't want to lose the money he had spent on tickets and flights.

He didn't cancel the night out he had locally last Friday on the day my mum had her heart attack as he said he really wanted to catch up with someone he'd learned had stage four cancer.

He insulated my 300 year old attic so I could use as storage

He helped me sort my pension and it means I can retire probably 10 years earlier than otherwise

He helped me keep my house when I was going through a difficult divorce myself

He buys food often and treats me to flowers every month and often brings chocolate. He's bought flowers every month to celebrate the day of the month we first met.

Sometimes when I'm working late he will cook my ASN Teen their dinner

This is a fair point. We've never argued or had many challenges. The only ones that come to mind are some difficult conversations in the early days when he was using alcohol to manage his emotions around his aggressive ex-wife.

I just do not understand why he didn't cancel any of his plans this week and I have been on my own.

He's just posted a picture on social media of him and the boys having a pint abroad and sent me a message saying that even though he's not with me I'm still in his thoughts

We're late 50s ourselves.

You are right though he has stepped away all week every night since Friday. I'm a big believer myself in words and actions aligning.

He really did justify going out on Friday night because he said that might be the last time he saw the terminally ill person that he had mentioned to me. They play team sport together and he'd noticed that the gentleman hadn't been there for a while. I did point out to him that he hadn't pursued meeting him prior to Friday. I also said he could have arranged a coffee with the gentleman after Friday. But he did seem quite set on seeing him.... Part of me thought though that it was because it was also a boozy night.

I also don't want my whole world to crumble all at once. Thank you for your kind words about my mum. She has a number of highly complex conditions and it's looking like we are talking palliative care

That sounds so rough - I am 46, my parents are in their latter stages, my dad more than my mum and we get scares from time to time and don't know when it might be the last scare. I do understand and sympathise with that so much.

As I say, if there is an unavoidable reason for him to be with someone else - like a terminally ill person - then that's not an issue at all and I am sure you would push him to go. I know it has been an unusually social week - but if two thirds of it could be cancelled then why weren't they? Actions and words aligning - exactly as you say.

Oh friend, I totally understand not letting all the sands shift at once, it's so understandable. But maybe when the sandstorm subsides it's the time to really ask questions - maybe not of someone who cannot summon themselves to be by your side at an incredibly hard time, but of yourself - is this good enough for you? If you need support with your mum situation don't hesitate to do a separate post for that on here once you know more - you will have lots of virtual handholds, I promise.

I feel for you too; it's scary getting those scares and watching them grow older and frailer.

I do feel a little shame though thinking about the night mum had the heart attack and he went out to the night out so he could see this terminally ill gentleman.

I felt my mum should be prioritized over this because this was not someone he had socialized with individually or even mentioned to me in two years (or not that I recalled anyway).

I just wondered whether he couldn't have seen the gentlemen prior to this or after Friday because it was touch and go

Perhaps on this point I am being unreasonable in being disappointed. On my part though I did tell him not to cancel. Not that he offered. By way of a mid ground he said he would drive to the night out..... Only somewhere along the lines he changed his mind got the bus and had a boozy night out

Oh it is, Dad is 80 in December... and has heart failure. I sometimes think of giving up my flat and moving in with them both, but I am only 1.5 hours away.

You shouldn't be the one feeling shame over any of this - although if you want my honest thoughts... he didn't mention this person before - you would have remembered someone with terminal illness. It's nothing something you forget. I wonder if he made it up because it was an 'equal' reason for him not to help you.

I will be honest lovely, the more you disclose, the worse I think he is - honestly.

Adjust your setting! It's red, not pink!

He doesn't give a shit and slow lives with his ex wife.

Forget him, better off alone.

This!!!

He seems like he’s having his cake and eating it. Doesn’t appear to have you on his radar and still living with his ex? Lots going on here and you don’t need that on top of your mum being unwell. I’d kick this one to the kerb. He sounds very insular and selfish. The odd token messages when you were in need of support? He has completely different priorities and you’re not top of his list. You don’t need that.

My partner has already bought a ring for me and has been very vocal about marrying me once he is divorced.

treats me to flowers every month

@KookyNewt he could buy you a ring Elizabeth Taylor would have liked and flowers worthy of Elton John, but it is utterly meaningless if he lives his life like a single man and leaves the heavy lifting to you

Sorry OP, I think he sounds like an absolute bastard. When you're able to think a bit more clearly I strongly suggest you tell him to fuck off.

I hope your mum is okay.

Sounds like you’re going through a really tough time OP. I can’t imagine the stress and upset you’re going through with your mum.

What jumps out at me is the fact he’s going back to the marital home after drinking because you don’t like the smell of alcohol. What happens after he sells the marital home? Will he come back to yours?

He has shown you exactly who he is and you deserve better.

Thinking of you and your dad. Hugs x

I think it is shifting to pink now. But....can a man be taught empathy?

Mostly he lives with me though I've asked him to stay away when he returns from his weekend away

This is the stuff I'm grappling with now. It's hard to reconcile his actions this week with how I saw him. Perhaps I projected good traits onto him (a capacity to be emotionally available and supportive)

When his ex is being particularly vicious (I've read her texts) and this aligns with a night out, he then stays in a hotel in the city.

Ideally, he wouldn't drink often as he has some serious health complications and his family are all heavy drinkers.

He often says he'll cut down or stop completely but then there's a night out again. Before he and his wife separated he is open about using alcohol to self medicate. He was pretty depressed then.

Do you think a man can change if taught how to? I'd say he's going to be really motivated when he comes back.

I think I'm pretty numb tbh

I'm not messaging. For me, this is a face to face chat. He's messaging though and seems to be aware he's in the dog house..... But even though there's still seems to be about how he's feeling. He hasn't asked how my mum is yet.

Mum's not out of the woods yet.

so he can finalise finances and divorce

Oh my dear this man is not your partner. He is still living with his wife. You're just his affair.

You've seen poisonous texts from his wife? Well yes, I imagine she's not happy either. However you look at it, he comes to you for a bit of fun, when you get demanding he pops back home, then when she gets fed up of him he comes back to you again.

He has shown you that he doesn't care two figs for your welfare. I'm really sorry, this is so hard, especially at a stressful time for you, but you need to ditch him.