To see a pink flag

[KookyNewt]

My partner of 2 years had a boy's night out planned for last Friday. At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from my mum who was in a lot of pain. I called an ambulance and the paramedics said she'd had a heart attack.

The paramedics asked me if she had a DNR in place as they took her away as they were not sure if she would have another heart attack in the ambulance on route to the hospital.

I was already on edge as the voicemail from my mum had been screaming and pained seeing she's been on the floor for hours and now I wasn't sure if I was going to lose her.

I went to the hospital and there was with my mum until very late. My partner went on his boys night out which was fine but he didn't phone to see if she was okay

He sent a message but it didn't get through and I thought he hadn't sent one and was upset. When I saw him the next day I shared my upset and he showed me that he had sent a message but it just hadn't got through on WhatsApp.

So this was Saturday and he was now going on a planned trip to a different city to take his adult child out for lunch. If I fast forward a bit he had plans for that day on the next day anti carried on having all of his plans will stay with caring for my mom and hospital and being generally very stressed.

I was exhausted by Sunday night when I got a call to see she was suddenly going to be discharged. I missed a few meals over the weekend as I rushed on Friday and Sunday to do admissions and discharges

She was at home on Monday and I began calling social services extract etc to try and get support for her at home as I believe she was very poorly. aI was right in this regard - it turned out she required to be rushed back in on Tuesday she had deteriorated.

I came home at 1:00 in the morning from that hospital admission which was her second in a few days knowing that my partner was going out for lunch on the Wednesday. He wasn't sure if he'd see me later on in the day - we do live together. He might have gone back to his own house where he still lives with his ex-wife and eldest adult child.

It seems to have transpired though that he was still out on his lunch with his male friend until maybe 10 pm.

Am I being unreasonable to be bothered about this that again he didn't message to ask how my mum is. I'm also bothered that he's out drinking a lot as he was supposed to have curbed this earlier on in a relationship. To be fair to him though this is just a particularly busy week socially and not his norm.

So I did not see him on Wednesday evening and he did not call until after I was in bed. I'm afraid I was immature and did not take the call as I was just so emotionally exhausted thinking my mother would die this week and I couldn't be speaking to him and either raising my hurt or masking it.

Today he travelled from his own home abroad for a sports weekend with a group of men and he still doesn't know how my mum is and I've only just heard from him to say hope all is okay.

I appreciate I have waffled on in this post. A relationship is usually good and I can see everything that's on my mind but I'm currently too exhausted to see what is on my mind or even try in articulate it to myself.

I think I'm feeling a little bit abundant and that it feels like he's not on the phone asking how she is or how I am.

Perhaps this means I am rather needy I'm not sure.

In the relationship I had prior to this I got covid and my then boyfriend said "okay just call me when you're better" and yet when he was purely I would either take him to hospital or show up with soup and food etc.

I worry that I might have a pattern here of rejecting men for these type of reasons. I'd appreciate any input you have.

Do you think a man can change if taught how to?
No, no, no. Of course not! Why do women indulge this fantasy???

I'd say he's going to be really motivated when he comes back
What he will be really motivated to do is get you to believe he cares.

OP, you must believe his behaviours not his words. He has shown you very clearly how much he cares about you.

Do not marry him.

your mum was fighting for
her life and he sent a WhatsApp from the pub? It didn’t go through. Bollocks

uncaring bastard

Of course not. He is who he is. It's not your job to teach him anything.

I don't think he's really your partner. He's offering you no emotional support at all. Everyone else in his life is taking priority over you. I suspect that his ex isn't as ex as he's letting on. You deserve so much better.

Prioritize yourself and your mum. He's not a positive force in your life.

"If I messed up like this I'd like to think that my partner would give me the opportunity to learn and grow from it"

He's still living with his supposedly ex wife. I don't think growth is in his repitoire.

Of course he's usually an apparently good partner because you put a roof over his head. Of course he wants to marry you because then he'll have half that house.

Don't let a two year investment in this non empathetic, thoughtless alcoholic blind you to the facts.

I'm not surprised his ex wife sends him shitty emails if you force him to stay at the marital home every time he's had too much to drink! Poor her, why does she have to endure that?

He sounds like a typical selfish middle aged man to be honest with two women letting him get away with all sorts and not holding him to account.

You can't and shouldn't have to "teach" a man in his late fifties anything fgs! I agree with other posters who have said he is showing you exactly who he is.

Your posts are full of excuses for him but deep down you know he seriously let you down when you needed him.

If he isn't going to be there for you at times of crisis and is going to prioritise nights out, losing money on flights etc etc then really, what's the point?

OP, I'm going to answer your Do you think a man can change if taught how to? question from a slightly different perspective.

I have very a very low need for emotional support in difficult situations. This isn't a good thing. It's born out of emotional neglect and abuse growing up when I learnt to only depend on myself. And that I was also brought up as many boys are/were - to not be emotional or 'weak'.

I often read threads like this and other people can feel ridiculously needy and incapable but I can also see that I'm a bit alone in that.

You say you would drop everything to support him. I wouldn't because it wouldn't occur to me that it would be necessary. Not because I don't care but because that level of emotional support is beyond my realm of experience, and I find it hard to anticipate other people's emotional needs if not explicitly stated.

I had an injury at work last year. I texted my partner to let him know that he wouldn't need to pick me up from work that day as I'd taken a taxi home already. He dropped his plans with his elderly mum to come home and check I was OK and I felt really uncomfortable and surprised tbh. It felt very unnecessary and I didn't really understand why he'd done it since I'd said I was fine and he didn't need to. I wouldn't want a fuss or for someone to drop anything to visit me in hospital either.

I'd very rarely think to offer to support to him. I sometimes remember what I'm 'supposed' to say or do and, if I do, I do it. If he, or anyone, asks, I'll be there for them but I don't think about I naturally anymore than I'd think I need to go to football training tonight. Because I don't.

I'm not saying this to excuse him but to illustrate that others are right. You can't teach him, no. This is who he is as much as it's who I am. Is it ideal? No.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had higher needs of emotional support because as much as I could learn the things I'm supposed to say or do, I also have to remember them. It doesn't come naturally and it can feel a bit suffocating tbh.

I've struggled in relationships because of it because men often expect that element of 'niceness' from women - the support human work and I have no interest in it or instinct for it.

The bottom line is that he is never going to become the sort of man you want to be in a relationship with. He has let you down and will continue to do so.

@KookyNewt

Sorry that you are going through a really tough time with your mum.

I think there maybe a few things going on here. And I think you’re right to unpick them at you own time. You have good insight too.

I think his lack of emotional support, (he decided to still go, but didn’t check in with you as to how things are, call, message etc.,) may be him being avoidant of negative stuff, (clearly struggles to manage them and drinks to cope), added to him drinking. When addiction kicks in it takes over, people become focused on solely that, at the expense in this event I think of him giving any consideration to you and what’s going on for you.

He’s an alcoholic, and sounds like he comes from a family of them. But, even after discussing it with him previously, he’s massively met you down at a time when you needed his support, either in physical presence or emotionally from a far.

Empathy is a skill that can be improved and developed, yes, but people will naturally land to either, ‘what about me?’ or ‘what about others?’

Take your time. Watch his actions. Flowers are just fluff really. Cute to keep things sweet, but… 🤷‍♀️ He may need some therapy following his divorce, sounds like it’s been pretty horrible.

Still he didn’t really check in with you, when you were going through all the shit. Sure he sent a WhatsApp that didn’t go through, what about the rest of the week? Maybe he was not wanting to bother you and figured you’d update him when you could?

Hmmm…. There is defo a flag, and it could well be red, I’m afraid.

It's easy to be a good partner when everything is going well, the real test is when the shit hits the fan. And has he supported you? No.

You've got a lot on your plate at the moment so it's understandable you haven't got the headspace to deal with this currently, but I'd be questioning the whole relationship. Definitely don't marry the man.

He drinks too much and doesn't support you at hugely emotionally stressful times (in sickness and in health...?). And where's he going to sleep when his marital home is sold and he's been drinking?

You say he's been brilliant in the last two years, but don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. You're having a hugely stressful time, and actions speak louder than words. It is not your job to fix him.

Yes definitely do not marry this alcoholic who will then have a claim to half your house!

This is a great post, and perhaps reflects your partner’s situation. He is trying- he’s learned various hoops he needs to jump through to keep a partner happy in various situations.

This was a new situation and no one had taught him the expectation- check in regularly, be available for comforting hugs and listening to anxious wittering, supply drinks and snacks at the hospital, do the information finding so you can concentrate on being available the moment medics look for you.

Thing is, life will be full of new situations. It’s full of stresses. His go to response is always going to be alcohol, and alcohol will always make him less useful.

You are on track to spend your life anticipating what he needs and supplying it, managing his relationship with alcohol. Meanwhile he’ll follow some rote behaviours like ‘tell her I like the new haircut, get flowers on Fridays’ and will disappear when needed.

I mean, it’s great that he’s useful about the place, generous and helpful when he’s there. But… it’s not enough for me. I say this after 35 years of marriage to a man whose feelings I have to manage when something bad happens to me. Car crash? Work out how to tell him. Dog died? Work out how to help him mourn. It sucks.

You said your son is ND? That changes your tolerance in relationships imo. You are used to certain gaps and accept them. Which is one thing when it’s your child, but you’d enjoy life more with someone who doesn’t have those gaps.

Hello op. First of all I’m so sorry your mom is so poorly. What a stressful and upsetting Time you’re having.

And in the light of that, I’d say now isn’t the time to make big life decisions one way or the other.

everyone else has said what I think of his behaviour, so I don’t add to that. But for now, put him on a back burner and concentrate on your mom. And look after yourself too.

If he doesn't look after you when you need it, I don't think he looks after you very well as you've said. He sounds like a fairweather boyfriend rather than a partner. Is this enough for you?

Hang on.. his ex wife has him home post boys night out?

And hes got you thinking this is legitimate and dare I say it considerate because you dont like seeing him drunk?!?!

You mum nearly died and he continued with his plans? You were terrifed and he went partying? A coworker left work with me when my grandma was ill..

I dont think you have a relationship either. I dont really know why you want one with him if hes a drunk who stays with his ex sometimes and is emotionally unavailable.

Hi OP. Firstly, so sorry you are going through this with your mom. Is there anyone else you can lean on for real life support? I would do all I could to help a friend in this situation if asked - my closest friends would (and have) done the same. Don't be afraid to ask.

Secondly, I think you are absolutely right to be upset by your boyfriend's lack of support, especially after two years and the fact that you are (mostly) living together.

For comparison, I have a male friend who I am sleeping with (it's a situation that suits us both at this point - neither of us have time or emotional space for a full on relationship right now, plus we live quite far apart) and when my cousin was rushed to hospital recently (please note, not even a parent, my cousin!) he text regularly for updates until she was out of the woods. Supportive texts are the absolute minimum I would expect in this situation - to be honest I would be checking in with a colleague, or a friend I wasn't particularly close to, as long as I sensed it was welcome - let alone my cohabitation partner of two years!

He should also have cancelled plans in an ideal world - at least some of them. At the very least offered to.

I think at the very least you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about this when the dust has settled a bit. Find out if there is a particular reason he is behaving in this way - did he find what is happening with your mom triggering for example, and shut down because he couldn't cope? Not saying this makes it ok, but it is at least something that could be worked on.

If he has no good reason, I would be considering ending the relationship to be honest. I get that different people have different needs for emotional support. I am probably quite "needy" - I do expect, and also give, a lot of sympathy and emotional support, as well as practical support where possible. - but as a wise counsellor once said to me, why use "needy" as an insult - it's perfectly normal for humans to have needs.

If this man can't, or won't, meet yours, then ultimately I do not think the relationship will make you happy long term, and it is probably not worth investing more of your precious time in it b

Thanks for your thoughtful and considered post.

Sadly mum passed away on the 15th.

How much have you needed support in that time?

He sounds like when the going gets tough for you, he goes somewhere else rather than stick around and give even a little bit of support.

Add in drinking to he doesn't really care about you and you've got more than one red flag.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ah, @KookyNewt ! I’m so sorry to hear that. Sorry you have lost your Mum, and sorry that at one of the very worst times in your life your partner couldn’t show up for you.

Wishing you peace and strength for the coming weeks.

This. Sorry OP.