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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband left , kids devastated.

76 replies

Flowerpowersss · 08/10/2025 04:24

Its been a month since My husband left and I was hoping he would come back , I wanted him to see the children most days and he saw them a bit but after I had a late night working and him having them at our home I broke down when he left ( they were sleeping ).
Ive tried to hide my pain and carry on but they have seen my cry and tbh we've all cried together ive shown them its ok to bed sad and should they need to talk to me or let their feelings out then they can .
(Hes currently at a relatives , no home)
So Everytime he comes over to see them and goes it hurts them .
Last night my youngest cried in my arms and said she misses him(her school knows and will support her well being )

My eldest has lost the enthusiasm at school to do her favourite clubs and told me hes ruined everything and she hates her life , I've still got to contact her school and talk to them about the situation.

The evenings are awful for us , I try the make it fun but there's only so much I can do.

My parents divorced and I saw my other parent twice a year as they moved to far away so I know what they must be feeling .

After a restful night the other night for the first time In a month!

Im now awake again at 3.40 am so im shattered.
So instead of txting him im here feeling sick with sadness.

I think i need to tell him that him coming and going is causing to much trauma for them .

OP posts:

Snorlaxo · 08/10/2025 04:32

Is there a routine to the visits? Tolerating him coming to your place is one thing but the visits being random will emotionally screw up the kids and make them wonder if this is the last time that they see him.

yy to it being a good idea not to text him when you’re feeling sad and lonely and keeping to practical texts.

DramaQueenlady · 08/10/2025 04:33

Aww so sorry for what you're going through. Its so hard. Give yourself time. It does get easier with time. You're doing all the right things. You will be happy again. Big hugs.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/10/2025 04:45

Offering a handhold from Vancouver. It sounds utter shit. 🫂🩷

Winterscomingbrrr · 08/10/2025 06:21

If you’re still awake now use the time and energy to email your older child’s school. The visits need to be consistent and ideally for you not in your home.

Hugs xx

Rafting2022 · 08/10/2025 06:25

Have you had legal advice? You need to take back control as painful as it is. All communication via solicitors and set days for seeing the children. I assume he’s met someone else? What’s the plan for his living arrangements?

redemptionwoes · 08/10/2025 06:28

You need to put a stop to the coming and going. It’s confusing and upsetting for the children. You need clear boundaries with him of when he will see them and it shouldn’t be at your home either. It was his choice to leave therefore he needs to accept the consequences. I made the mistake of letting ex come and go and it make it incredibly difficult for them and me to start to come to term emotionally with the upheaval

CoffeeCantata · 08/10/2025 06:35

I’m so, so sorry. You will get through this. I don’t know what else to say, but you really will. Sending love.

moose62 · 08/10/2025 06:37

A very difficult situation for you, I'm sorry.
As others have said, he needs to have fixed times to see the children and not always at your house. This is rubbing salt in the wound and not helping them get used to the reality of him not being in the house.
Don't let him take advantage of you because you miss him.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 08/10/2025 06:38

Stop having him in the house. He can pick up outside and drop off when he sees them.

Original poster

Flowerpowersss · 08/10/2025 06:39

He will messege me ans ask me if he can come or if I need help will somthing , kinda funny because he didn't want to help when he was here

OP posts:

DaisyDoodler · 08/10/2025 06:39

Yes, you will get through this, but the way it is now isn’t helping yours or your DC’s emotions. You need some structure and boundaries and to get your own space for all of you, not sitting there pining for him and hoping he will come around again. As PP have said get set days and times. It may hurt like hell but that will fade and at least you know where you are at and that’s a starting point

Lalala12345 · 08/10/2025 06:43

redemptionwoes · 08/10/2025 06:28

This. It must be incredibly hard but you need set days (not every day), boundaries, and he needs to take them out and/or have them at his relatives house as much as possible. He also needs to sort out living arrangements where he can accommodate the kids as a priority if he wants to see them regularly.

I would be limiting his presence in the house so you all have time to adjust. Good luck OP x

Original poster

Flowerpowersss · 08/10/2025 06:47

I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach he has , slap in the face to me given the length of our relationship and marriage and the second I go through CSA and benefits he will have nothing to offer another person.
I dont think he has thought anything properly through, or he got himself in mountains of debt without telling me .
He didnt want to do couples therapy when we were together

I did say to him if hed spoke to me about money problems I would have picked up extra shifts

OP posts:

spoonbillstretford · 08/10/2025 06:49

He needs to have them for set days. When there is a plan the kids will feel more settled into a routine.

Winterscomingbrrr · 08/10/2025 07:03

Flowerpowersss · 08/10/2025 06:39

He will messege me ans ask me if he can come or if I need help will somthing , kinda funny because he didn't want to help when he was here

You need to message him and say what is helpful for you can the kids is for him to have the kids on Wednesday or tea and every Sunday or whatever works best for you and the kids. You need to set the boundaries for you and the kids.

Sassylovesbooks · 08/10/2025 07:06

I agree with other posters, your husband coming and going isn't helping you and definitely not the children. I know it's early days and it's all raw for you all but you need to start being practical. You need to work out with your husband, what days/times are best for the children for him to see them. That means regular, consistent days, so the children get into a routine. Ad hoc and when he feels like it, absolutely not. Him seeing them in the house and then leaving isn't going to work either. He needs to take them out or to his relatives home for his visits. As a priority you need to contact your eldest daughter's school and advise them of the situation. Unfortunately, you and your husband need a conversation regarding the future. You can't live in limbo, hoping he may come home, there needs to be a definitive closure. If divorce is likely, then again you need to start being practical, gathering financial documents and seeking legal advice. Living with uncertainty with no clear decision, isn't secure and stable for the children, it will make them anxious. Keep communication with your husband civil but purely regarding the children and practicalities. I know it's not easy, but you will survive this and come out the other side ❤️

WellYouWereMythTaken · 08/10/2025 07:22

Sounds like you all need a routine where he has contact with the children on set days/times away from the family home.

Zempy · 08/10/2025 07:32

You need to separate properly. I am sure you had good intentions, but this current set up is damaging you and the DC.

You need to agree a contact schedule where you drop the DC at his, or he collects them from school. No coming into the house.

And put in CMS claim if he isn’t giving you money. What’s your housing situation? Have you taken legal advice?

sesquipedalian · 08/10/2025 07:40

“the second I go through CSA and benefits he will have nothing to offer another person”

OP, who owns your house? If it’s joint owned, then he will have a right to half the equity - will you be able to afford to buy him out, because if not, the house will have to be sold. You really need to see a solicitor - I can’t think your ex will be happy long term living with a relative. If you rent, then will you be able to cover that? The whole thing is awful for you, and I send sincere commiserations, but you do need to see a solicitor and secure finances for you and the DC. If your ex has mountains of debt, will he actually be able to pay you maintenance? You absolutely need to sort a few things out - I know this is all a terrible shock, but you have to look to the future and what is in the best interests of you and the DC. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look as though DH is coming back, and you need to sort out contact with the DC and financial matters. Your DH can’t just expect to come and go as and when he pleases - you need to get this sorted officially so that there’s some sort of structure for the DC and financial certainty for all of you.

Moonnstars · 08/10/2025 07:41

You need consistency and a routine, it is upsetting for you and the children with him popping in whenever and offering to help.
If wanting to keep things amicable then you need to discuss seeing the children on set days, and not in your home. Seeing him there makes the children think he is returning and also gives you hope.
If he isn't willing to do this then I suggest seeing a family solicitor to make arrangements for the separation and childcare.

NaiceBalonz · 08/10/2025 07:48

redemptionwoes · 08/10/2025 06:28

They're HIS children, FFS.

WellYouWereMythTaken · 08/10/2025 07:54

NaiceBalonz · 08/10/2025 07:48

They're HIS children, FFS.

Show quote history

The children aren’t possessions, they’re people with feelings and needs. Coming and going whenever suits one or both of the parents isn’t working, so they need to try something else, for the children’s best interests. Family court consistently comes down on the side of routine contact for a reason.

arcticpandas · 08/10/2025 07:58

You need to divorce asap. Contact a sollicitor and get the ball rolling. This limbo situation is damaging to all of you. And if he wants to see the kids he can pick them up and go outside or to his relative's house. He's playing with your emotions coming back for a while. Tell him it's damaging to the kids and boundaries need to be instaured. Selfish asshole.

redemptionwoes · 08/10/2025 08:48

@NaiceBalonz
well then perhaps he should have tried harder at his marriage to OP

they aren’t toys to be picked up and put down when it suits him - for him to pick and choose the easy bits of parenting with none of the drudgery and hard work

Original poster

Flowerpowersss · 10/10/2025 05:37

He came to my house the other day and he broke a rule I had put in place for the children.

so I told him he isnt to come over anymore And I cant do it because its upsetting us all , ive been quite blunt as Im not ok with any of it and im so sad inside.
During the day im "fine" as I can pretend but i dont want to go home in the evenings and I dred it .

Ive gone no contact unless its for the children.
I think im suffering worse because im neurodivergent and along with that i have RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder)
Im definitely depressed , ive been having suicidal thoughts ( spoke to samaritans, not much help ) .
Yesterday was a strong day but the evening was sad and it's now 5am and even in my dream I can't escape, i cried in my dream and it woke me up crying.

Im trying to do my best but I cant cope with the change
He's such an asshole and I cant believe hed discard me so easily wtf is wrong with men

OP posts:

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