Husband left , kids devastated.

[Flowerpowersss]

Its been a month since My husband left and I was hoping he would come back , I wanted him to see the children most days and he saw them a bit but after I had a late night working and him having them at our home I broke down when he left ( they were sleeping ).
Ive tried to hide my pain and carry on but they have seen my cry and tbh we've all cried together ive shown them its ok to bed sad and should they need to talk to me or let their feelings out then they can .
(Hes currently at a relatives , no home)
So Everytime he comes over to see them and goes it hurts them .
Last night my youngest cried in my arms and said she misses him(her school knows and will support her well being )

My eldest has lost the enthusiasm at school to do her favourite clubs and told me hes ruined everything and she hates her life , I've still got to contact her school and talk to them about the situation.

The evenings are awful for us , I try the make it fun but there's only so much I can do.

My parents divorced and I saw my other parent twice a year as they moved to far away so I know what they must be feeling .

After a restful night the other night for the first time In a month!

Im now awake again at 3.40 am so im shattered.
So instead of txting him im here feeling sick with sadness.

I think i need to tell him that him coming and going is causing to much trauma for them .

I couldn’t read and run once I read that you’re suicidal. You need to get help for your and your children’s sake. Sorry that the Samaritan wasn’t much help. Please see your GP.
Have you any local support, friends or family. Use any support you can. It will help you recover.
Agree with others about having routine with his visits.

Id assume it's his house also though

Hes currently trying to get a place and is struggling due to his credit
I think with my income combined was the reason we got the place Im currently in .
Ive applied for UC .
There are charges to change the rental agreement and Ive informed him I won't get the full housing benefit if he stays on and hed still have to lay the shortfall otherwise we will be homeless.

I dont understand how he could afford a 1 bed , the shortfall on this place , child maintenance, spousal support , and the added cost of having the children on the weekends , when I pointed out the finical issues of leaving he said he didnt care about the money .
What do I do If I think hes racked up huge debts and lied?? .
Ages ago I asked to see his bank account and he refused which was a red flag , I showed him mine because all my money goes on food , essentials, the car and little bills .

If he had come to me and told me he is struggling I would have picked up an extra shift or I would have suggested moving but his toxic masculinity kept me in ignorant bliss .

Will he regret this and come running back when he realises how hard its going to be ?
If it was the other way around I'd die if I could rarely see my children .

There are so many things im connecting the dots to and I feel a bit duped by him .

Everytime ive seen him this week hes struggled to keep eye contact with me.

Can he not take them out on set days?

Why does he need to come to the house all the time?

It is all still raw for you all but I wouldn’t discourage contact with the children.

Have you got support from family or friends?💐

You need to see your GP - you're understandably upset and angry, but you need support, your kids need you.

I think you're right to put a structure on the visits, for the kids and for you. I think you need to see a solicitor about putting a formal shape on him leaving - access, maintenance, split of property etc.

This is very hard now, but it does get better. By leaving his family, your ex showed his selfishness, you don't need that in your life.

He doesn’t have to pay you the shortfall on your place of spousal ….he would only have to pay you child maintenance at the minimum CMS calculate it at

Agree he should stop coming and going. Set times; and not at your house regularly. Set some boundaries so the children know what to expect. So very hard and I’m so sorry this has happened.. you will feel better with time; so will the kids- start some new routines just you and the kids.
You sound like you’re a brilliant mum doimb doing an excelllent job in very difficult circumstances - really well done to you op I take my hat off to you. Stay strong and draw some lines to protect yourself and the kids. Set regular times to meet him and do this outside the house I would; keep that as your space xxxx

Wanted to add - seek some legal advice, you need clear boundaries not just with his visits but also the money etc. He’s made the choice and now he has to face the consequences. Legally he will probably only have to pay the amount set by CMS so if you need his income to stay where you’re living now, that might need rethinking. You could contact women’s aid and see if they can help you with advice; or look at a family solicitor who can help you. They sometimes have free consultations, best of luck xxxx

Are you in the UK? Very unlikely to get spousal support unless he is a very high earner and from what you have said I don’t believe that is the case. Please don’t rely on that. You can go for child maintenance now though so I would definitely get that ball rolling and apply for any benefits that you may be entitled too. Get yourself covered and make sure the practicalities are taken care of, that is your first thing and it sounds like you are now on the way with that. The emotional side of things takes longer, but you will get through it. As others have said, call samaritans if you are feeling suicidal but please believe us all that this will get easier. Once you have the practical side sorted you keep going day by day and eventually you suddenly realise it doesn’t seem so hard anymore and you adapt, and then you go a bit further and you start finding happiness again and eventually will be glad that you are not stuck with a man who didn’t. Value you as he should - you are worth so much more

Good advice above. You wouldn't want him back surely if the only reason was he couldn't afford to be separate? That's no way to live. As others have said, in the UK, spousal support is now v v rare. CMS is all you are likely to achieve which isn't much unless he earns six figures. Get organised with UC and start thinking.g about employment options. Your kids aren't babies I think so work and childcare needs to be the way forward now. Millions of us do it. Set a good example to your kids of being a strong, independent woman who lives by her own terms. If a job is not feasible right now, look at training or upskilling so it will be in a year or so. And get legal advice asap.

Why would he pay spousal support ?

I've been here. Really really challenging. Lots of good advice on this thread and in the divorce section. Taking control of what you can control is a really good idea.
Form E for divorce.
It's a really long road.
Engage close trusted friends and family - you'll really need support.
🌷

You won’t get spousal support & if he is a low earner like you say you’ll get the minimum CMA which is like £7 a week. He also won’t have to pay the shortfall of your rent, it’s on you to cover the costs of housing yourself & the kids.
You need to take legal advice & ASAP. Especially if he has debts.

You need to focus on the practicalities of getting divorced and having a firm set-up for when and where he sees the children.

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites

Gather all financial documentation and see a competent family solicitor. And file for divorce as soon as possible - the one who files is in the driving seat, and you don’t want him to mess you around any more than he already has.

It's absolutely insane that fathers can walk away and pay less than the cost of a packet of fags towards their own children. What a disgraceful state of affairs.

I second this advice, OP. You really do need some legal advice.

This is still very new, it’s going to be difficult for a while. As others have said, stop letting him in the house and insist he takes them out for visits. He’s the one who’s caused this situation, it’s not up to you to make it easy for him, you need to protect yourself.

Do you have anyone close in real life who lives nearby? Just having someone pop over for a cuppa and a catch up would give you something to think about other than him.

Ideally you want to find things you can look forward to going home to in the evenings. I don’t think you’ve mentioned the ages of your children, but is there a programme you could all watch together in the evenings, make a bit of an event of it? We usually do movie night on Fridays, fun food (sausage rolls etc, or takeaway if we can justify the expense) on laps in the lounge.

You’re the only parent in the house now so you can make all the rules yourself. Make some changes so that it’s different to when he was there. Pick a week night to have a nice pudding if you don’t normally have pudding. If you like the Lego movie, then you could turn taco Tuesday into a real thing. Just start some new traditions.

It doesn’t have to be big things, just little fun stuff to give you and your children some good memories of this time. If they’re young, have a bubble blowing party in the kitchen, or make masking tape roads all over the carpet and drive toy cars round them and build Lego houses.

Just do something new and positive to take yours and your kids minds off of him. And get some legal advice. It will get easier, but you need to block him out of your life as much as possible.

Yes he needs to be consistent but you dont own the children, you both had children so both parents need to see the children

Yes seek legal advice but dont see how spousal maintenance comes into it or you demanding rules will last

If he is so terrible I dont see why you would want him back

You won't get spousal support. And you can't make him change the tenancy. If the house you're renting is too expensive you may have to look for somewhere cheaper. He needs to be able to accommodate himself too, a 1 bed flat is the least he should expect
You need to do the sums. Roughly 20% of his wage as child maintenance, UC and your wages, that's what you'll get. Money won't make him return to you, time to get on with the separation and help the dc adjust to the new normal.

Be kind to yourself. This will be hard and likely triggering given what happened with your parents.

You are strong. And you will survive this and show your DDs how to be strong, independent women.

First, you need urgent therapy to help you vent and process if feeling you want to harm yourself. If you can’t afford a few sessions, could a relative or friend help? If not, some schools can offer free therapy referrals to parents, so ask the school. Get a referral to talk therapy from your GP, though it could be a long wait, it’s worth having your name down.

Second, do one thing to make you strong. I chose swimming. An hour once or twice a week. It made me physically strong, helped tire me so I slept and the space and light helped me mentally too. Every stroke i imagined pushing him out of my head to get rid of all the inner rage.

Third, get legal advice. A good family law solicitor or Citizens’s Advice. To find what you’re entitled to and your financial options. Don’t expect him to do the right thing financially.

Fourth build a support network. Your friends, mums of the kids’ friends, work colleagues, the school, a local childminder, older neighbours. People who can trust look after the kids for you when you need time to yourself or to work. People who you can meet up and have fun with. Winter walks, movie nights etc. Who’ll invite you over for the odd lunch or dinner. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask. Lots of mums have been through this and will get what you need.

Fifth, set some routines, e.g. Sunday mornings before lunch you all go for a walk somewhere lovely in nature: stately home, park, local walk through fields or woods. Take peace in observing changing nature. Wednesday evenings you all play a board game or cards. Friday is movie night with homemade popcorn etc., Saturday, the kids choose a recipe and you all bake flapjack or a cake together. Routines fill the space, give you an anchor and the kids will love it.

Get yourself some good books for the evenings when the kids are in bed. Biographies of strong women who’ve triumphed over adversity, gripping thrillers, whatever floats your boat. But something to lose yourself in with a cup of Horlicks and a hot water bottle in bed!

Treat yourself to little luxuries. A nice perfume to spray on every morning. A new lipstick, some lovely herbal teas, a nice house plant to nurture, new underwear. Take joy in tiny things.

You’ve got this. You are strong. You have experience to guide your kids.

Forget about him. His loss.

My first marriage broke up when our son was 2. I was devastated. The night my husband left I sat on the kitchen floor crying and just had no idea how I would ever get up again.

My son was really confused and upset. He didn't understand any of it, and would frequently cry and say he wanted Daddy. It was perfectly, utterly hideous.

For about 6 months.

And then it started getting better.

And then I entered what I would say has been the best period of my life: the part where I discovered who I was, without my husband. I had 4 glorious years of doing exactly what I wanted with my son - eating when and where and what we wanted, going on holidays that could really be centred around him, every weekend an adventure with and for him. I became the mother I wanted to be, and met my own needs too. I started a new hobby, made new friends, had a ridiculously doomed romance with the most handsome, charming, damaged man... On the weekends my son was with his Dad, I would be away with this man, honestly living some sort of chick lit life. Then that all went to shit too, but it was OK, because I'd learned who I was and. how to deal with heartbreak.

Me and my ex husband are very good friends now. I'd say he's my best friend really.

Other than my second and hopefully forever husband, who is far from perfect but is perfect for me.

And in among all this I started a business and have done the best work of my career.

But I couldn't have imagined any of that when I was where you are now. You're still sitting on that kitchen floor.

I promise you, you will be happy again. And so will your kids. There is so much goodness and potential waiting for you once you get through this bit.

So do what you need to do to protect yourself. Establish some boundaries with their dad so that all of you can manage your expectations and your emotions. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Try not to text him all the time - write your feelings down on here, or send them to a friend... You will get through this grotty rotten bit and emerge as a glorious butterfly.

The evenings are awful for us , I try the make it fun but there's only so much I can do

Im sorry that you and your dc are going through this

I would suggest really trying to change what you do in the evening, make new habits as this helps with the missing part. You are all grieving an old life as well as the person and sometimes making a new routine will help.

I don't know how old your children are, but can you find activities to do in the early evening around tea time, this shortens the time between eating and bed, but also starts moving forward and showing them life is ok

I found it was the time waiting for ex to come home from work that was the hardest, so breaking that pattern for a while on 2/3 evenings really helped. We went to the library ( as they had one late night opening) swimming anther night and bowling on the Friday night with pizza afterwards at home.

I also found Saturday id invite friends and their friends round much more.

Dear @Flowerpowersss - am so sorry for what you’re going through. It feels so bleak but there is such good advice on this thread.

i second everything here from @EdithBond . It’s also a really good idea to set up routines of new things you do together - baking; kitchen disco; walk together on Sunday mornings as suggested by @ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

You are suffering grief - go easy on yourself. Set up boundaries for when he can see them and where. Ensure you have something to do or a friend to see when they’re with him.

It will get better @Flowerpowersss - it will just take time and you are at the worst stage. Sending love x

Wonderful message. Glad things worked out well for you

OP, you'll be OK. It takes time. Be patient and take one day at a time

Then he will want some stability for them, despite leaving.........their needs should come first.

Yes, great to hear @Bloozie. Really inspiring message ❤️

And agree with @Dancingsquirrels: OP focus on one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Don’t dwell on what seems like a big scary future or it can become overwhelming. Just one hour at a time. A little plan for each hour, including a good cry when you’re alone.

Allow the emotion to come out but best not to let the kids see you crying or sad too much. It scares and worries them. And they’ll mirror your behaviour, so if you act sad, so will they. That’s why walking in nature really helps everyone’s mental health. And dark humour too. IMHO it’s important to teach kids to cope by seeing the funny side to even the darkest moments of life. Music can also help lift the mood, especially old skool disco. They’re survival songs.

And aim to do one thing on your financial/legal to-do list a week. Just one thing if you can.