Husband left , kids devastated.

[Flowerpowersss]

Its been a month since My husband left and I was hoping he would come back , I wanted him to see the children most days and he saw them a bit but after I had a late night working and him having them at our home I broke down when he left ( they were sleeping ).
Ive tried to hide my pain and carry on but they have seen my cry and tbh we've all cried together ive shown them its ok to bed sad and should they need to talk to me or let their feelings out then they can .
(Hes currently at a relatives , no home)
So Everytime he comes over to see them and goes it hurts them .
Last night my youngest cried in my arms and said she misses him(her school knows and will support her well being )

My eldest has lost the enthusiasm at school to do her favourite clubs and told me hes ruined everything and she hates her life , I've still got to contact her school and talk to them about the situation.

The evenings are awful for us , I try the make it fun but there's only so much I can do.

My parents divorced and I saw my other parent twice a year as they moved to far away so I know what they must be feeling .

After a restful night the other night for the first time In a month!

Im now awake again at 3.40 am so im shattered.
So instead of txting him im here feeling sick with sadness.

I think i need to tell him that him coming and going is causing to much trauma for them .

Can @EdithBond please adopt us all? Because her (amazing, print it and stick it on the fridge) advice is bigger than heartbreak and renewal...

I am now going to aim to do one thing on my financial/legal to-do list a week.

I agree with this. Its confusing for them with him coming back and being Dad at home like before.

He needs to come at set times each week, the same days and times each week, and take them out or to where he is staying.

They need a clear routine and boundaries to make this adjustment.

This sounds awful OP.
Do you have a plan yo deal with your depression. I had PND and left it untreated, thought I could just get through it and tbe best thing I did was go to the GP and tell them what is going on and get some support. If you can, make that appointment.
From there you can start to heal and get your life back together, but it will be so much harder if you arent dealing with tbe depression that you are feeling. Somryimes its too deep to dig out of it by yourself.
I agree wiyh other PP, that structure and routine for visits will help you and the kids. Not knowing when he will want to turn up is hugely disruptive to your healing journey as a family.
Try getting a structure to the wrek and bhild in some time into your schedule where you do something for you. Even if its a ten minute walk round the park listening to your favourite music or a ling hot bath once a week. Little things you can look forward to.
Right now you are greiving so be kind to yourself.

(Misses the point of the thread, but……..)

Rejection Sensitivity Disorder?

Make sure you inform UC of your housing situation, you can do this on your journal and when you have to go in to verify your documents. This is called an untidy tenancy, where someone who was jointly liable for rent is now solely responsible for it as the other tenant(s) no longer live at the property, and UC will calculate your housing costs as if you are the only person on the tenancy. Be warned however that there may still be a shortfall, as housing costs are calculated based on local area rates and are not based on actual rent.

Sorry you're going through this and hope things start to get easier for you and the kids soon.

Hi , this sort of arrangement never works because people don’t get stability at home .
Set boundaries , get a solicitor too so you can have a residence order for your children ( child arrangement order ) .
If he left for sure he knows he cannot keep coming back indefinitely, your home should be a safe place where people heal from trauma , not where trauma happens repeatedly.
Gell him from now on he must see the kids elsewhere , even if it changes to to only once a week that’s better than what this is doing to them . If he can’t accept that then he is a narcissistic person who doesn’t love them enough to do what’s best for them .
The same goes to you , your home is your safe place , stop allowing him to visit there . Show your kids it’s ok to move on .

OP I just wanted to say that I see you.
I understand RSD and it's an awful thing to live with.
Please know that this isn't your fault.
He chose to leave.

Protect yourself as much as possible.
Don't worry about the, how is he going to do this/that? It's his problem but if you're having suicidal ideation then you should speak to your GP x
Good luck x

Alcoholism
Money problems

So can mothers. Works the same

Dysphoria.
It's a big feel thing linked to neurodiverse people whereas a disorder is an actual condition.
We feel it when a relationship breaks down loss of a job, a friendship.
We tend to lack boundaries and will want to know that we've "done nothing wrong" or if we have done/said something to upset someone.
It's a pretty savage thing to live with.

I'm getting a lot better now because I've done a lot of work on myself through counselling and other practices I found.

You might feel like a mess but you are a strong woman, keeping the whole show on the road here.
Your DH is the actual mess, not you.
You have already identified some of the things currently wrong with the situation - his inconsistency with the kids, so you need to set out a routine for which days and hours he's allowed see the kids.
Is it better for him to see them at yours, or should he take them out/to his parents? Do you want him to do overnights? etc etc

I think for you, not seeing him for a while will help you get to grips with things a bit better. So maybe take that into consideration.
Do everything to suit you and your kids now, not him. Get that into your head. Cos he's definitely not thinking about what's best for you.

Lay out what suits you and your kids and what he thinks he can manage to suit you all. You lay it down.

Start focusing on little things you can do with your kids that they enjoy and build those up. There is plenty that is hard right now and in the future but be kind to yourself and be proud of what you are doing (which is basically everything).

To be honest, I thought most people felt like that when a valued relationship ends? It’s perfectly normal I would think. I don’t know anyone who has never felt that way when losing a relationship/friendship, myself included.

How does the dysphoria differ from “usual” feelings of rejection? I just don’t get it sorry 😆

https://adhduk.co.uk/deep-dives/https-adhduk-co-uk-deep-dives-episode-4-deep-dive-into-rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria-with-henry-shelford-and-dr-shyamal-mashru/

I'll probably get stuck trying to explain it.
The link is much better than me trying to find the right words.

It’s not necessarily due to debt that he was hiding his bank statements from you. He could have been hiding his activities. For example he could have a porn/sex addiction and be spending money on escorts/only fans and didn’t want you to see. Being alone means he can spend more time on these illicit activities.

You need to make practical moves now - get him off the rental agreement, sort out your benefit claim, up your hours if you need to. Take control of your situation and stop waiting for him, he’s not your concern right now.

Many people with neurodivergencies (specifically ADHD and AuDHD) experience rejection in a very different way to you, and while you will never be able to feel what they are feeling and therefore truly understand, empathy goes a long way.

I absolutely hate men who leave their wives and kids. I refuse to believe that the majority of women who are left are such terrible monsters that the man just HAS to destroy everyone's lives and break everyone's hearts like this. I'm guessing he never tried to really address what was wrong and work things out with you.

My ex-husband insisted we move to his home country - which I agreed to because I thought it would be an adventure - and then became less and less satisfied with me once there, and devalued me so much that he ended up walking out on me because of my weight, which honestly wasn't bad. And he tried to make me wear skirts too. And I am a really good and nice person, and lots of people think I'm attractive too! But nooooo, I wasn't good enough for him, once I'd married him. He was all over me before that. Exactly the same thing happened to my friend who also moved abroad with her husband. Walked out on them when the kids were 4 and 8.

All this is to say, some men are absolute shits and it's them, NOT YOU! And my story is why I am so, so, sick and tired of men walking out on women they promised to love and cherish until death. It's completely and utterly pathetic. Zero time for this nonsense whatsoever. A man who does this is just a little boy inside. I know you probably still love him, but I promise, this will lift and your nether regions will clamp shut every time you think of him, for doing something of such low character. SO angry for you. 🤬🤬🤬

I recommend the book Let Them.

Sorry OP, I've been following but I'm not clear about this post. Are you saying that you now know his problems are alcohol and debt?

If that's what it is, then please put it into context - he's not rejecting you and the children, he's running away from his issues. He's a coward.

Agree with this 👆 stop the coming and going, it's too painful for the children. I'd keep it to weekends only. Because it's upsetting the children.

You’re all grieving, he isn’t dead but he’s gone and your life has changed overnight. You have to be patient and allow yourselves to be sad for a while. It will take some time but I promise you will all get there and feel better within a few months most likely, certainly after a year.

Agreed with other posters about the need for consistency with contact time. I realise it’s all fresh and raw right now but he shouldn’t be coming to your house, it’s just too confusing and upsetting for DC. He needs to see them at a neutral place and stick to a similar time each week.

Financially, I don’t know much about benefits but as others have said, it’s unlikely you will get spousal support. CMS is a bit of a joke, he will get away with paying very little towards your DC I’m afraid.

I don’t have children so hearing this really pisses me off, how come the tax payer has to pay to support children abandoned by their fathers yet the fathers only have to pay a measly £7 per week, it’s outrageous and I’m shocked the government haven’t done something about this, people are up in arms about benefits, pensions, winter fuel allowance how come no one is up in arms about this? (apart from the ex wives) It’s scandalous.

I had to google. Sounds like something that would be hard to live with.

He's dealing with the secrets he's been keeping and the shame of what he's done.

This is where you have to do the very hard thing - be the strong dependable one for your children and yourself while feeling like this.

Do you have family & friends you can tell? There is absolutely no shame on you in this - it's all on his head. Reframe the shame.

If you work, tell your line manager and see if there is an employee assistance programme you can access. There maybe a hardship fund / advance in wages to deal with immediate issues.

Good that the school knows - they'll.need to support, understand, maybe make allowances for unusual behaviour.

And seek professional help. Look for a local solicitor who can give a free half hour consultation and an insight into your rights and his responsibilities. Don't believe anything your H tells you about those - it's in his interests to mislead and trick you there.

Look for help at the Citizens Advice Bureau.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/

@Flowerpowersss please call your child’s school. Now. Ask for help. For your child. They are clearly struggling a lot. For you. Please.

This is truly awful to read and with active suicidal thoughts, you need urgent mental health support. For your children’s sake, keep yourself safe.

It is an awful situation and I am sure a long difficult journey ahead, but please don’t sit with suicidal thoughts. Go to A&E if you have to. But Your children need their mum and clearly, you adore your children.