Not to put " flee money" towards house

[YourMerryNavyDreamer]

In two minds on this

Been married 15yrs with children and not once has husband been violent. However he has been incredibly belittling and bullying on occasions with shouting. Only about 4 times over 15yrs. Because of this I've spent the years putting about £50 per month into a separate account. I now have enough for 6 months rent.

My intention is only to use it if I ever need to flee. However we are house hunting and if I put the savings into the house fund we would need a lower mortgage/ could potentially aim for a cheeky offer on one's we can't afford otherwise

I don't know what to do. On the one hand it benefits all of us but I can't shake the feeling I should have something as a safety net " just in case"

It's never a bad idea to have enough put aside to support yourself in case you ever need it.

I’d hold the savings back. It’s not unknown for abuse to escalate over a longer period of time. I’d also be worried that I had need for a flee fund. Do you feel safe around him or like you’re walking on eggshells? Might be best to try and work through his anger issues in the here and now (though I’m not convinced a leopard can change their spots and consider anger a major red flag, personally) than wait until he hits you.

I would keep the savings, there is nothing to say he won’t turn again

Keep the cash if you suspect you might need it to get away.

Does your husband know you’ve got this account?

Risk of domestic abuse or escalation of abuse increases during stressful life events (like moving home). The overall risk might still be fairly small, but if you've felt the need of a flee fund all this time, now is probably not the best time to ditch it.

Trust your gut, always.

Keep the savings.

I’d use the flee money to flee. He belittles and bullies you, once was enough.

I didn’t call mine flee money, and we never had issues, but mum had drummed into me that it was always important to have a little savings of your own.

It started with just $10 a week, but by the time we had been married 36 years, it was enough for a decent deposit on an investment property. This is now used to benefit the whole family.

DH has never connected all the dots to any kind of flee fund, just thinks I’d secretly been saving purely for the investment property all along.

No.

One of the ways to think about it is a "The shit has hit the fan" fund.

So yes, potentially running away but also, if one of you loses your job tomorrow, or he drops dead suddenly so your income is halved and his finances are frozen for a while, or one of your kids needs running away money.

Never a bad idea to have a "just in case" stash.

If you were in Australia and were applying for a mortgage, that flee fund would need to be declared on your application form. If you didn’t, the bank would be asking why the information you have provided doesn’t match the information they have access to.

Can you hide something like that in the UK?

Do not tell him about the money and keep it.

My question is why are you looking to buy a house with a man who bullies and belittles you!? Use that flee fund now and enjoy a happier life for you and your kids.

Well I wouldn’t be buying a house / another house with someone I had an escape fund for. I’d think very carefully before committing to any fixed rate deals. I’d keep the money, the last thing you want to do is admit it exists

I wouldn’t be buying a house with anyone when I felt the need to have fleeing money!

I'm baffled as to why the bank need to know. They need to know where the deposit is coming from, your income, credit rating and affordability (ie any other major outgoings such as loans). If I had to declare all my savings I would want to know why they needed the information, and if they can't show why, GDPR (data protection) applies. Organisations are not supposed to gather and keep customer data that is not required to conduct their business.

I’d keep it and possibly increase my contributions!

@HelenaWaiting this is one example https://www.commbank.com.au/home-loans/applying-for-a-home-loan.html

I think a lot of the information on affordability is government mandated because we previously had massively problems with borrowers being stuck with unaffordable loans. At one point, the drivers dog would have been eligible for a mortgage.

They just need to know your income, credit score, deposit, ability to make monthly payments and so on . You don't have to declare your entire savings.

My grandmother always kept an account with enough money to leave.

When she was 78 she decided she would like a large and beautiful conservatory. She purchased one. This was much to the surprise of my Grandfather. He had no idea where the money had come
from. My grandmother had decided that at her age she wouldn’t be needing to leave.

She told me that she had an amazing marriage, but everyone who ends up leaving a relationship thought it was a good relationship at some point… make your hay whilst the sun shines.

The obvious answer here is do not buy a house with a man who makes you feel like you need 'flee money'.

If I was with someone who’s specific behaviour had led me to believe there was a chance I’d need to flee them (as opposed to having this money because you were always taught to, or because you’ve always saved like this), I would leave them now.

You either leave or you don’t. Squirrelling money away that would better your whole family’s life I think is wrong. 4 occasions of “shouting” in 15 years…… …lots of couples argue and more regularly than that

I did this in my last marriage. Like you, I half thought I should and half wondered why I was doing it. Turned out I needed it. He did turn really nasty one night and the money paid for my divorce and helped me remortgage. I’m now happily remarried and don’t feel the need to do this. If you feel any sort of need, I would say keep it. Just in case.