Page 2 | Not to put " flee money" towards house

YourMerryNavyDreamer · 2025-10-07T23:05:21+00:00

In two minds on this Been married 15yrs with children and not once has husband been violent. However he has been incredibly belittling and bullying on occasions with shouting. Only about 4 times over 15yrs. Because of this I've spent the years putting about £50 per month into a separate account. I now have enough for 6 months rent. My intention is only to use it if I ever need to flee. However we are house hunting and if I put the savings into the house fund we would need a lower mortgage/ could potentially aim for a cheeky offer on one's we can't afford otherwise I don't know what to do. On the one hand it benefits all of us but I can't shake the feeling I should have something as a safety net " just in case"

PashaMinaMio · 08/10/2025 06:45

In my opinion, good or bad marriage, every woman needs her own savings. It doesn’t have to be thought of as a running away fund, it’s just personal savings which we are all entitled to.

Buy the house if it’s worth the risk of further bullying from him. Maybe you have a higher tolerance level than some of us. However, keep your savings to yourself. It’s your fund and nothing to do with anyone else however much easier it might make a bully’s life.

BadActingParsley · 08/10/2025 07:03

I know so many women of all ages who had a little fund of their own. A friend’s mother who had been in a very abusive relationship finally afpdmitted to it as she was dying and quietly transferred it to my friend…just in case the daughter needed it ever.

suppose I do too…I have savings of my own that mean I could start again if I needed to. DH knows about them.

Anyusernamewilldo8963 · 08/10/2025 07:17

Hopefully you'll never need it but I did and I didn't have it, keep it. You have DC and they may need it one day

CautiousLurker01 · 08/10/2025 07:21

HelenaWaiting · 08/10/2025 06:04

I'm baffled as to why the bank need to know. They need to know where the deposit is coming from, your income, credit rating and affordability (ie any other major outgoings such as loans). If I had to declare all my savings I would want to know why they needed the information, and if they can't show why, GDPR (data protection) applies. Organisations are not supposed to gather and keep customer data that is not required to conduct their business.

Show quote history

It’s not that they ‘need’ to know - it’s the fact that it’s public record. If you check your credit statement on any of the credit sites (my bank account links to one) it has a list of the balances on all your debts (loans, cards, etc), ie every account in your name - including savings. They even asked us, when we renewed recently, to explain what specific regular and one off payments were for. One of the ones they queried was a monthly DD to our 17yo son’s account labelled ‘monthly allowance’. Those queries were sent in an email addressed to both DH and I, even though they related to my account and others only to his. There is no expectation of privacy between the joint parties applying - so OP’s DH will become very aware that she has a savings fund.

HelenaWaiting · 08/10/2025 07:26

CautiousLurker01 · 08/10/2025 07:21

It’s not that they ‘need’ to know - it’s the fact that it’s public record. If you check your credit statement on any of the credit sites (my bank account links to one) it has a list of the balances on all your debts (loans, cards, etc), ie every account in your name - including savings. They even asked us, when we renewed recently, to explain what specific regular and one off payments were for. One of the ones they queried was a monthly DD to our 17yo son’s account labelled ‘monthly allowance’. Those queries were sent in an email addressed to both DH and I, even though they related to my account and others only to his. There is no expectation of privacy between the joint parties applying - so OP’s DH will become very aware that she has a savings fund.

Show quote history

The pp said that in Australia all savings have to be declared on a mortgage application. They don't in the UK , and gathering and keeping a record of data that is unnecessary (and details of savings are not necessary to a mortgage application in the UK). Please do not pick snippets of my post to criticise if your not prepared to take on board the entirety of what I have written.

tripleginandtonic · 08/10/2025 07:27

So you're hoarding money, has your dh done the same? Marriage is about sharing, it seems selfish to me.

peepsypops · 08/10/2025 07:30

As pp have said - why would you consider buying a house with someone you think you need a flee fund for?

Tamfs · 08/10/2025 07:30

tripleginandtonic · 08/10/2025 07:27

So you're hoarding money, has your dh done the same? Marriage is about sharing, it seems selfish to me.

Being abusive towards your partner is more selfish if we are playing appropriate marital behaviour top trumps.

OP keep your fuck off fund. I think every adult should have some of their own savings for this, because anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship, in a mentally destroying job etc.

CautiousLurker01 · 08/10/2025 07:31

HelenaWaiting · 08/10/2025 07:26

The pp said that in Australia all savings have to be declared on a mortgage application. They don't in the UK , and gathering and keeping a record of data that is unnecessary (and details of savings are not necessary to a mortgage application in the UK). Please do not pick snippets of my post to criticise if your not prepared to take on board the entirety of what I have written.

Show quote history

They don’t have to be declared - but they are visible on the credit check! Every single store card. Mortgage lenders can see them listed and will ask about them.

just look at yours. It’s there. She won’t be able to hide it.

IveGotOneToo · 08/10/2025 07:56

Keep your fund. 100%

So from someone who knows how complicated it is to be with a man like this,
KEEP THE MONEY & don't say a word.

Posters trotting out 'its family money' are massively naive & I actually think it's quite dangerous to start guilting women in relationships with a history of periodic abusive episodes that they are selfish if they make themselves financially vulnerable.

The ones saying leave or done but the house are probably right but 15y of history (20 in my case) and love and family and all the things that make a relationship, are hard to walk away from over something that only happens once every few years (I await the spoonful of shit in your coffee analogy).

Adarajames · 08/10/2025 13:38

As others have said, don’t think I’d want to stay with or buy a property with someone who had treated me badly or made me feel I needed an escape fund.

Bloozie · 08/10/2025 13:41

I'm torn on this.

You should definitely have independent savings. I have independent savings. But it's in case my husband leaves ME - and even then, not even mindfully, just a vague sense that I want to feel independent.

If I had what I referred to as a 'flee fund', I wouldn't even be entering into a mortgage with this guy - because financial ties are far more binding than marriage.

So YANBU to keep the money. YABU to consider buying a house with someone you are not 100% sure about.

Eviebeans · 08/10/2025 13:44

I think he’d wonder where the money came from I also worry that you’ve felt the need to have this fund - something made you feel that way
If you give it up you’ll be unlikely to be able to save it again as he would be more mindful about money

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/10/2025 13:49

IveGotOneToo · 08/10/2025 07:56

Keep your fund. 100%

So from someone who knows how complicated it is to be with a man like this,
KEEP THE MONEY & don't say a word.

Posters trotting out 'its family money' are massively naive & I actually think it's quite dangerous to start guilting women in relationships with a history of periodic abusive episodes that they are selfish if they make themselves financially vulnerable.

The ones saying leave or done but the house are probably right but 15y of history (20 in my case) and love and family and all the things that make a relationship, are hard to walk away from over something that only happens once every few years (I await the spoonful of shit in your coffee analogy).

To be fair, everyone would be trotting out "it's family money" if this was a man posting, although it's not directly comparable.

mindutopia · 08/10/2025 13:49

I think if you need ‘flee money’ you shouldn’t be buying a house with someone. Yes, everyone should have a bit of savings. But it’s never occurred to me in my 17 years with Dh to put money aside in case I needed to escape. I have savings, yes, that could be used as a deposit on a rental, sure. But if enough incidents have occurred that you genuinely have a pot of money to run away with, a new house is not the thing you are needing right now.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 08/10/2025 13:56

I have a fuck off fund, as a result of a dreadful previous relationship. DH fully aware of it, fully happy for me to have it and I will keep it until the day I die, when it will transfer to DD. And no, I wouldn't put it towards any house purchase, DH wouldn't ask or expect me to.

Imbrocator · 08/10/2025 14:54

I think if you’ve spent the last 15 years accumulating money for the express purpose of having to flee the man you’re in a relationship with then you already know the answer.

Keep the money, and preferably use it to leave! There’s nothing wrong with having separate finances, but if you have the kind of relationship where your partner is so unpleasant that you feel you might need an emergency fund to leave at any moment then you shouldn’t be with that man. Belittling and bullying is never OK, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2025 14:57

If I felt I needed an escape fund I would use it to escape

Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2025 14:59

Keep the savings!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 08/10/2025 15:00

Hello no. That would be staying with me.

TheDenimPoet · 08/10/2025 16:26

WonderingWanda · 08/10/2025 06:28

The obvious answer here is do not buy a house with a man who makes you feel like you need 'flee money'.

You should ALWAYS have "flee money", but a lot of people don't call it that. You should ALWAYS make sure you're in a position to leave a situation if you need to.

Every relationship starts good. You're very naive if you think your relationship is the one that will never go south.

If you end up with a decent amount and your relationship IS always good, then fantastic, a little nest egg for later in life. Perfect!

ShesTheAlbatross · 08/10/2025 16:40

TheDenimPoet · 08/10/2025 16:26

You should ALWAYS have "flee money", but a lot of people don't call it that. You should ALWAYS make sure you're in a position to leave a situation if you need to.

Every relationship starts good. You're very naive if you think your relationship is the one that will never go south.

If you end up with a decent amount and your relationship IS always good, then fantastic, a little nest egg for later in life. Perfect!

Show quote history

I think there’s a difference between “I’ve always had a secret stash of savings just in case I need to flee” and what OP said which was “because of his behaviour, I have saved in case I need to flee”.

WonderingWanda · 08/10/2025 17:32

TheDenimPoet · 08/10/2025 16:26

You should ALWAYS have "flee money", but a lot of people don't call it that. You should ALWAYS make sure you're in a position to leave a situation if you need to.

Every relationship starts good. You're very naive if you think your relationship is the one that will never go south.

If you end up with a decent amount and your relationship IS always good, then fantastic, a little nest egg for later in life. Perfect!

Show quote history

You are missing my point. I'm not against the idea in principle of having seperate funds just in case. However the op is already concerned about her dh's behaviour and is anticipating it could escalate. It would be madness to enter into a house purchase feeling like that.

momtoboys · 08/10/2025 17:34

Don't use your savings. I doubt that it will make that much of a difference for the house.

YourMerryNavyDreamer2 · 08/10/2025 20:30

OP but for some reason mumsnet won't let me log in under original email address ( keeps saying account not found). Thanks for all the comments

For all those asking why I don't flee. For the majority of the time it's a happy marriage. We have laughter, fun, shared experiences and the kids are happy. It wouldn't be easy to leave that especially as I hate being lonely. I don't feel I am on eggshells

The bullying/ belittling hasn't followed a set pattern. It's been " can't you do anything right/ why are you useless" type comments which left me crying the rest of the day. Then it's all fine again with no similar comments for years. There doesn't seem to be a trigger. I do worry about my ability to cope if it were to get more frequent ( I suffer from anxiety)

He doesn't know about the account.

In terms of buying the house. We need more space and the uncertainty of renting has more of an impact on my anxiety than the behaviour

I think I'll keep it