Reception child disruptive behaviour and parenting programme AIBU

Mamamia2019 · 2025-10-07T19:19:07+00:00

Hi, My child has recently started reception. Child has always been a “spirited” child but we worked super hard the past few months with behaviour and child is currently being a dream a home 95% of the home. The prior behaviour at home was not listening, intentionally making mess/ being mischievous etc. never related to violent behaviour. Child also only went to nursery 1 day a week. Fast forward to now- started reception, started with most days feedback of “not listening, being defiant against doing work, sitting on mat” etc. then we had feedback of “play fighting” which we strongly discussed with child was an absolute no-no in school and we had a few weeks of no play fighting mostly good feedback. This week have had 2 phone calls from school due to very disruptive behaviour, ripping things down, running away not listening etc. threatened to teacher to hurt children but never actually did. Then another incident of actually trying to hurt a child but not succeeding thankfully!! Ive been constantly trying to work with school for reward systems I’ve bought in myself, timetable, discussing with child about school etc. arranging meetings with teachers etc. Today I’ve been invited to attend a parent workshop to help his behaviour, I was open to this and was given info. On reading tonight I’ve discovered this is actually a “child to parent violence” programme!! I had repeatedly voiced to school we have no issues with violence at all at home, he has two siblings, and is never violent at all to them OR us! It has been a really stressful start to his school life and I now feel bloody awful they have offered me this programme. I have no idea why they are offering this to us when I’ve clearly stated we have very very minor behaviour at home (nothing you wouldn’t expect of a 4 year old) and absolutely no violence with us or with family/ friends. AIBU to think they are completely missing the mark here? Even if it was relevant I don’t see how as the parent me doing the workshop is helpful if I’m not the one caring for him at school, nor do we have the undesirable school behaviours at home. Also any advice strongly welcome!!

Arran2024 · 07/10/2025 20:24

Welcome to the world of sen parenting!

Professionals will try to blame you and put you on inappropriate courses.

Something is clearly going on though and you need to start investigating why he behaves like this.

Purpleturtle45 · 07/10/2025 20:26

Is the programme called NVR?

Jellybunny56 · 07/10/2025 20:26

Is it maybe more so you can learn about the behaviour he shows at school & implement techniques and learning at home in the hopes he will carry that into school to reduce violence there?

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:27

I would take it as help with strategies to manage his behaviour.
even if he doesn't do it at home right now, he will one day off load at home.
and also ways and means to speak with him about it

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:29

Purpleturtle45 · 07/10/2025 20:26

Is the programme called NVR?

No it’s WIC?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:32

Arran2024 · 07/10/2025 20:24

Welcome to the world of sen parenting!

Professionals will try to blame you and put you on inappropriate courses.

Something is clearly going on though and you need to start investigating why he behaves like this.

Oh god I don’t envy you, how awful!

Honestly the school have been great very reassuring etc to me but I was just so shocked at the particular type of programme!

I thought it was just general behaviour management, but CPV just threw me completely and feel like they don’t honestly believe we don’t have this behaviour at home. I would obviously welcome the course if we did, but we don’t.

yes definitely need to identify the issue but he
seems to be loving school is excited to go every morning, keeps asking when we are leaving to get to school etc. tells me excitedly about what he’s learnt etc I just don’t get it 😣

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:34

Jellybunny56 · 07/10/2025 20:26

Is it maybe more so you can learn about the behaviour he shows at school & implement techniques and learning at home in the hopes he will carry that into school to reduce violence there?

Yes this is true! I did think this might be the case but the breakdown of the course topics is heavily focused on the violence and “abuse” at home. I just feel I would feel uncomfortable in those sections as I just can’t relate. Wish I could just attend the techniques part!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:36

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:27

I would take it as help with strategies to manage his behaviour.
even if he doesn't do it at home right now, he will one day off load at home.
and also ways and means to speak with him about it

Edited

Yeah I think you’re right, I think I’m just being sensitive and taking it personally and just feel like they don’t believe that this behaviour is only in school!

When I reiterate this point they kind of do a sympathetic half smile as if they don’t believe me it’s really unsettling 😩

OP posts:

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:43

I would feel the same initially also.

It's hard when you feel school doesn't believe you.
It may be down to things like, too loud, too many people, getting used to new routine etc.

May be worth asking for a meeting to get a proper view on what is going on, any triggers etc

Shutuptrevor · 07/10/2025 20:48

Why do you refer to him as “child”?

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 07/10/2025 20:49

Why did they only go to nursery for one day?

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:51

Shutuptrevor · 07/10/2025 20:48

Why do you refer to him as “child”?

Was trying to keep it gender neutral 🤣🤣 but failed and then couldn’t be arsed to go back and change it all!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:52

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 07/10/2025 20:49

Why did they only go to nursery for one day?

I only needed that day for work

OP posts:

Mumofteenandtween · 07/10/2025 20:53

It is probably the closest they have. Where I live these courses are run by a charity and there are usually about 3 courses run per term.

If the choices were:-

Child on parent violence
Coping with bedwetting
Supporting your teenager through pregnancy

which one fits you best?

The other option is that you wait until the summer term when there is one that is actually what you need but that is a long time to wait and your child is trying to hurt kids now.

There is a good chance that the children of a lot of the parents on the course will also be having problems at school so there will be lots of relevant stuff for you.

Hankunamatata · 07/10/2025 21:00

Hi op

Had a quick look at the course. I do think the child to parent abuse angle is a little misleading. It does seem to cover the types of behaviour you said dc was showing before starting school

Its hard it take it with that angle but id take on the chin and give it a go. I tried variety of courses (I was desperate to find something)

Iv harped on before about it but iv found 'the incredible years programme' the most beneficial. I did course by zoom but you can buy the book or audiobook.

Crapola25 · 07/10/2025 21:03

Tough one OP. My son has behaved in a similar way but he was diagnosed with ASD at 3. We didn't disclose it to his school when he started pre-reception last year and he sailed through pre-reception all the way until end of term when he had an "off" day and kicked a teaching assistant and pulled his teachers hair. We were called in for a meeting with hus teachers who said it was out of character but they wanted to ask incase we knew what the trigger was or what they could do to help. We had had alot of change at home & DS doesn't cope with transition - anyway it was an isolated incident but nevertheless was escalated to the head of year and the school psychologist. We were told she would observe him and then meet with us after. When we went to the meeting she told us she hadn't had time to observe him but offered us a parenting course, made an assumption that he was poorly parented, referred to him as "that type of child" and said "she would give him the benefit of the doubt". And that's the reality of having a kid with SEN, so much judgement. I would first try to work out if there's any SEN issues with your child.
I would also add the school should be working with you to resolve the issues. They can tell you what is happening but they should also tell you what they are doing about it. If you think they have sent you on course which is not relevant tell them you think there's a mistake.

Dredsen · 07/10/2025 21:03

Im not sure if perhaps adhd?

But anyway i think only 1 day weekly nursery is likely a mistake. My kid only did 2 days for age 3y0-4y0m and that was probabky a mistake. She is also spirited. And has adhd. We however did have some issues at nursery. But reception was a nightmare.

Hes probably trying but its a lot 5 long days even if you feel unwell etc.
Is he struggling with sitting still etc?
It may get worse as they do more learning and at end of term as other kids behaviour is worse.

Crapola25 · 07/10/2025 21:06

I'd also request that the school keeps a diary and updates it daily for 1 week so you can look for patterns- identify triggers but alos verify what's been said to you.

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 21:20

Mumofteenandtween · 07/10/2025 20:53

It is probably the closest they have. Where I live these courses are run by a charity and there are usually about 3 courses run per term.

If the choices were:-

Child on parent violence
Coping with bedwetting
Supporting your teenager through pregnancy

which one fits you best?

The other option is that you wait until the summer term when there is one that is actually what you need but that is a long time to wait and your child is trying to hurt kids now.

There is a good chance that the children of a lot of the parents on the course will also be having problems at school so there will be lots of relevant stuff for you.

This makes a lot of sense!

Thanks so much

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/10/2025 21:21

Why do YOU think his behaviour is so bad? Refusing to do what the teacher asks him to do, ripping things down and threatening to hurt other children - your posts don't seem to suggest that you're very shocked at that type of behaviour, and most parents of Reception children would be shocked to hear this was happening. ARE you shocked by them reporting this to you?

Could you explain more about what you mean about the reward systems which you say you've bought in yourself?

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 21:21

Hankunamatata · 07/10/2025 21:00

Hi op

Had a quick look at the course. I do think the child to parent abuse angle is a little misleading. It does seem to cover the types of behaviour you said dc was showing before starting school

Its hard it take it with that angle but id take on the chin and give it a go. I tried variety of courses (I was desperate to find something)

Iv harped on before about it but iv found 'the incredible years programme' the most beneficial. I did course by zoom but you can buy the book or audiobook.

Edited

Amazing I’ll have a look at this thank you!

OP posts:

Sandy483 · 07/10/2025 21:21

Crapola25 · 07/10/2025 21:03

Tough one OP. My son has behaved in a similar way but he was diagnosed with ASD at 3. We didn't disclose it to his school when he started pre-reception last year and he sailed through pre-reception all the way until end of term when he had an "off" day and kicked a teaching assistant and pulled his teachers hair. We were called in for a meeting with hus teachers who said it was out of character but they wanted to ask incase we knew what the trigger was or what they could do to help. We had had alot of change at home & DS doesn't cope with transition - anyway it was an isolated incident but nevertheless was escalated to the head of year and the school psychologist. We were told she would observe him and then meet with us after. When we went to the meeting she told us she hadn't had time to observe him but offered us a parenting course, made an assumption that he was poorly parented, referred to him as "that type of child" and said "she would give him the benefit of the doubt". And that's the reality of having a kid with SEN, so much judgement. I would first try to work out if there's any SEN issues with your child.
I would also add the school should be working with you to resolve the issues. They can tell you what is happening but they should also tell you what they are doing about it. If you think they have sent you on course which is not relevant tell them you think there's a mistake.

Why on earth would you not tell the school he had a diagnosis? What an incredibly bizarre decision! Kicking and pulling the hair of an adult is also not just 'an off day'.

OP why did you only recently start working on his behaviour? And didn't you think it would be beneficial for him to go to nursery more regularly before he started school? He's obviously really struggling to cope right now so I would go on the course as recommended, if it's not relevant at least it will demonstrate to school that you're doing all you can.

One thing that really helped my DS (with ASD) at this age OP was coming home for lunch. Do you think that might improve things and help keep him calmer?

BlackeyedSusan · 07/10/2025 21:26

Arran2024 · 07/10/2025 20:24

Welcome to the world of sen parenting!

Professionals will try to blame you and put you on inappropriate courses.

Something is clearly going on though and you need to start investigating why he behaves like this.

This.

I'd recommend a parenting course though so you can say we do this that and the other strategy and it doesn't work. One of the hoops to jump through to diagnosis.

Original poster

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 21:32

Crapola25 · 07/10/2025 21:03

Tough one OP. My son has behaved in a similar way but he was diagnosed with ASD at 3. We didn't disclose it to his school when he started pre-reception last year and he sailed through pre-reception all the way until end of term when he had an "off" day and kicked a teaching assistant and pulled his teachers hair. We were called in for a meeting with hus teachers who said it was out of character but they wanted to ask incase we knew what the trigger was or what they could do to help. We had had alot of change at home & DS doesn't cope with transition - anyway it was an isolated incident but nevertheless was escalated to the head of year and the school psychologist. We were told she would observe him and then meet with us after. When we went to the meeting she told us she hadn't had time to observe him but offered us a parenting course, made an assumption that he was poorly parented, referred to him as "that type of child" and said "she would give him the benefit of the doubt". And that's the reality of having a kid with SEN, so much judgement. I would first try to work out if there's any SEN issues with your child.
I would also add the school should be working with you to resolve the issues. They can tell you what is happening but they should also tell you what they are doing about it. If you think they have sent you on course which is not relevant tell them you think there's a mistake.

Bless you this sounds so stressful.

I honestly don’t think there is any SEN issues with him. Nothing has cropped up before now, only minor issues at nursery that they weren’t concerned about.

But if behaviour persists or worsens it’s worth pursuing!

OP posts:

Eenameenadeeka · 07/10/2025 21:33

I'd say that the strategies for working with violence towards you vs the mess making and disruption you describe would be similar strategies, so still helpful for you and unfortunately he is now displaying violent behavior at school so would be best for you and the school to all be on the same page with how to manage and have a consistent response. What are your reward systems that you are using?