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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reception child disruptive behaviour and parenting programme AIBU

97 replies

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 20:19

Hi,

My child has recently started reception. Child has always been a “spirited” child but we worked super hard the past few months with behaviour and child is currently being a dream a home 95% of the home. The prior behaviour at home was not listening, intentionally making mess/ being mischievous etc. never related to violent behaviour. Child also only went to nursery 1 day a week.

Fast forward to now- started reception, started with most days feedback of “not listening, being defiant against doing work, sitting on mat” etc. then we had feedback of “play fighting” which we strongly discussed with child was an absolute no-no in school and we had a few weeks of no play fighting mostly good feedback. This week have had 2 phone calls from school due to very disruptive behaviour, ripping things down, running away not listening etc. threatened to teacher to hurt children but never actually did. Then another incident of actually trying to hurt a child but not succeeding thankfully!!

Ive been constantly trying to work with school for reward systems I’ve bought in myself, timetable, discussing with child about school etc. arranging meetings with teachers etc.

Today I’ve been invited to attend a parent workshop to help his behaviour, I was open to this and was given info. On reading tonight I’ve discovered this is actually a “child to parent violence” programme!! I had repeatedly voiced to school we have no issues with violence at all at home, he has two siblings, and is never violent at all to them OR us!

It has been a really stressful start to his school life and I now feel bloody awful they have offered me this programme. I have no idea why they are offering this to us when I’ve clearly stated we have very very minor behaviour at home (nothing you wouldn’t expect of a 4 year old) and absolutely no violence with us or with family/ friends.

AIBU to think they are completely missing the mark here? Even if it was relevant I don’t see how as the parent me doing the workshop is helpful if I’m not the one caring for him at school, nor do we have the undesirable school behaviours at home.

Also any advice strongly welcome!!

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 08/10/2025 19:27

Livelovebehappy · 07/10/2025 23:02

Not sure the course is inappropriate when he is displaying violent behaviour in school. OP might say her ds is not at all violent at home, but I guess teachers hear that all the time from parents minimising or under playing what does go on at home. By doing the course, surely it helps to identify the difference between home and school so a plan can be put in place.

Maybe. But many parents are fobbed off with parenting courses instead of the child being properly assessed to see what is going on. It can be extremely shaming for parents to be basically told they are the problem - and by people completely unqualified to judge what is going on. Often courses like this are a hoop that parents have to jump through to get proper help, but it can be very dispiriting to have it suggested that a few parenting tweaks will work wonders. Meanwhile the same parents find huge waiting lists for assessment by an Ed psych, psychologist, speech and language therapist, OT.....so much easier to tell the parents it's their fault.

Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 20:02

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/10/2025 18:05

Blimey, he's only been there a few weeks. Some of that was the settling in period! Give schools a chance!

Yes agreed I definitely won’t be rushing to withdraw him any time soon! 😳

The school have been lovely and anything I’ve requested or suggested have been very receptive to, just feel a bit like they are wanting me to take the lead? That might not be the case but feels that way. When I’m the one not there.

OP posts:
Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 20:06

Arran2024 · 08/10/2025 19:27

Maybe. But many parents are fobbed off with parenting courses instead of the child being properly assessed to see what is going on. It can be extremely shaming for parents to be basically told they are the problem - and by people completely unqualified to judge what is going on. Often courses like this are a hoop that parents have to jump through to get proper help, but it can be very dispiriting to have it suggested that a few parenting tweaks will work wonders. Meanwhile the same parents find huge waiting lists for assessment by an Ed psych, psychologist, speech and language therapist, OT.....so much easier to tell the parents it's their fault.

I think this sums it up. I do feel ashamed like they are immediately finding me as the problem rather than thinking he is just struggling in the new environment only 4 weeks in.

Or they will say things like “can you have a chat with him about this at home?” But then in the same breath say but don’t repunish him, don’t go over it lots etc. so I’m between a rock and a hard place!

OP posts:
Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 20:10

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/10/2025 18:22

I think this can be fairly common behaviour in Reception. A good teacher would realise this sort of thing was going on, though, and try to encourage a child socialising with a less rowdy bunch of peers.

OP, how is the reward jar being used? Are you following the teacher's idea on the best way to use it? Is something removed from the jar if he displays poor behaviour? Make a big show of saying "Oh, dear, because you hit Max, we need to take a piece out of the reward jar. What a shame because now it will be even longer before the jar is full. To earn the piece back you will need to show me that you can behave until playtime."

Because if nothing is taken OUT for poor behaviour, then the jar will still end up full at some point regardless. So potentially he could have a couple of days of poor behaviour but still end up with a full reward jar if he's displayed SOME good behaviour in some part of the day, and end up with a reward out of it!

Regarding the reward jar I also asked this about removing rewards but they do not take this approach. They said bad behaviour doesn’t cancel out previous good behaviour so it’s unfair to remove items (I have previously used reward systems with him at home and removed stars etc which was a good motivator for him as I guess it was a punishment for him as he loved getting them- I may have been wrong in our approach but it worked, we didn’t use it for long). The reward jar worked well for a couple of weeks, he seems to have lost interest now 😩

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 08/10/2025 20:12

Mamamia2019 · 07/10/2025 21:54

I don’t think he has but possibility as his dad my husband im sure has adhd.

1 day nursery was definitely a mistake I won’t be repeating with my youngest.

Well, my children didn't go to nursery at all (sahm). I did bring them to either the playground where there were other kids or organised playgroups so that they could socialise. I actually think some nurseries can be really bad for children after having worked in two myself when younger.

Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 20:57

arcticpandas · 08/10/2025 20:12

Well, my children didn't go to nursery at all (sahm). I did bring them to either the playground where there were other kids or organised playgroups so that they could socialise. I actually think some nurseries can be really bad for children after having worked in two myself when younger.

He was extremely well socialised we done lots of play dates, toddler classes, days out etc. so I didn’t feel the 1 day at nursery caused him to lack in that respect but I feel lucky I got to spend so much time with him before school.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/10/2025 21:03

Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 20:57

He was extremely well socialised we done lots of play dates, toddler classes, days out etc. so I didn’t feel the 1 day at nursery caused him to lack in that respect but I feel lucky I got to spend so much time with him before school.

How was his behaviour at the play dates, toddler classes, days out etc?

SnowdaySewday · 08/10/2025 21:39

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/10/2025 18:22

I think this can be fairly common behaviour in Reception. A good teacher would realise this sort of thing was going on, though, and try to encourage a child socialising with a less rowdy bunch of peers.

OP, how is the reward jar being used? Are you following the teacher's idea on the best way to use it? Is something removed from the jar if he displays poor behaviour? Make a big show of saying "Oh, dear, because you hit Max, we need to take a piece out of the reward jar. What a shame because now it will be even longer before the jar is full. To earn the piece back you will need to show me that you can behave until playtime."

Because if nothing is taken OUT for poor behaviour, then the jar will still end up full at some point regardless. So potentially he could have a couple of days of poor behaviour but still end up with a full reward jar if he's displayed SOME good behaviour in some part of the day, and end up with a reward out of it!

This is dreadful advice.

The very basic thing is do not remove tokens that have been earned. The end reward must be quickly achievable. Even a 4-year-old will see that this is unfair and not bother to work towards earning the tokens.

Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 21:47

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/10/2025 21:03

How was his behaviour at the play dates, toddler classes, days out etc?

What id say was average for his age. Mostly good, sometimes not listening but would listen after a few times promoting. Occasionally didn’t want to share, but was encouraged to etc. no violence there either! We was doing things 4-5 days a week like socialising type.

OP posts:
Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 21:53

SnowdaySewday · 08/10/2025 21:39

This is dreadful advice.

The very basic thing is do not remove tokens that have been earned. The end reward must be quickly achievable. Even a 4-year-old will see that this is unfair and not bother to work towards earning the tokens.

Yes this is the school’s approach. Rewards are earned and should never be removed as this then removes the motivation for further good behaviour. To be honest I don’t love the reward systems overall as from what I’ve learnt about intrinsic/ extrinsic motivation they aren’t great for creating genuine change.

This week I’ve been focusing a lot on language at home so the whole rather than say “well done X for sharing with your sister/ playing nicely/ getting dressed quickly” etc I’ve been using the naming emotions language so “look how happy your sister is that you shared with her, that was really kind” “wow aren’t you proud of yourself solving that puzzle” etc and tbh he seems to really respond well to that! He has a big beaming smile and then seems to seek out ways to further make his sister more happy etc. so going to continue with that.

OP posts:
Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 21:58

We had a small win at school today also, as I have already started since the weekend to talk about anger and how it’s a normal emotion and mummy and daddy sometimes feel angry at things, and how sometimes anger might make you feel like hitting or hurting but that it’s never okay etc so we must think about how we calm ourselves down before acting etc with counting, moving away, speaking to a grown up telling them you’re angry etc.

They said today a child pulled something he was working on out his hand forcefully and it fell over the floor, they saw him appear to become angry and said the child’s name loudly but then followed with “oh, I was going to shout then..” and they then quickly intervened and moved him away, praised him recognising anger, not acting on it, and helping him to pick up his knocked things from floor and took him to another activity he liked.

It’s only little but I feel that’s amazing considering we have only been talking through it a few days and having that self reflection is great. Going to continue working with this, have also order “The Explosive Child” book I’d read lots about online being good for managing anger in children, as the course doesn’t start till late November and I wanted to start managing the behaviour now.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/10/2025 00:29

The Explosive Child is not really about managing anger.

It is a good book and a useful approach but a lot of people find it frustrating as the title makes you think it will help you with what to do when they explode, which it doesn't really. Or that it will help children explode less. Which it can do if you are able to follow it 100% and drop close to all demands, but for most people they aren't at that point when they read the book.

What it is is a very good guide for radical acceptance, seeing the child's perspective, and communication around that, problem solving and figuring out out-of-the-box solutions for predictable, repeated areas where you and your child tend to clash - these are essential skills for ND families, IMO, and the messages from the author are extremely valuable, but I would expect that this wouldn't be hugely practical for you at this point in time. (It is a good book, so don't send it back!)

What I would recommend particularly if you want something that will go well with the WIC course is this online course - it's free if you choose the no-certificate version. You can do it at your own pace and it's useful from the first lesson. It's much more positive and it explains some other useful things about rewards, consequences, intrinsic motivation etc. It seems to be based on high quality evidence. There are also some really useful concepts in here such as - most people assume if threat of a consequence isn't helping a child change behaviour, you should increase the consequence. Actually, it's much more effective to move the goal closer. So build a stepping stone and aim for that stepping stone instead, once you're stable on that stone you can aim for your originally wanted behaviour. And if it's not working, instead of increasing the consequence or reward, reduce the gaps between each stepping stone. I don't love the fact that they immediately jump to compliance as an example of a behaviour to target, but you can use it without targeting compliance specifically.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Most likely the school reward jar has stopped working because it is either not specific enough so he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to earn the reward, the "payout" isn't coming quickly enough for it to be motivating, the novelty value has worn off and fatigue for using the preferred behaviour has set in, or it's actually targeting a gap which is too wide - they need to make a stepping stone to aim at instead. Though the one thing the ABCs course misses IMO is that sometimes skills also need to be explicitly taught or the foundation for that skill needs strengthening. Their theory is that if you reinforce lots of small instances of (or towards) the wanted behaviour, this encourages the child to repeat it and through this repetition they will practice the skill/behaviour and it will get easier for them. That is probably true if the unwanted behaviour is simply a bad habit that they have got stuck in. If instead, it's a strategy they are falling back on because they don't have the skills or ability to use a different strategy, then you might not get very far by trying to reward when they accidentally do the thing you want. Worst case scenario, you can even teach a child to mask their own needs by performing the "correct" response which is not actually working for them. (I apologise but I can't think of a useful human example, but an example in dog training would be discouraging a dog from growling, which then means that when the dog is stressed it has no way to communicate this and while it may appear less aggressive in the short term, it may mean that the dog is more likely to bite with no apparent warning.)

OTOH though since a reward jar is designed to strengthen and reinforce practice of a behaviour that you are trying to develop, it doesn't matter that items don't get taken out of it. That would be like saying every time you get a maths question wrong you're undoing a bit of maths you've learnt. It doesn't work like that. It's not supposed to be hard and unforgiving of mistakes. It's supposed to be supportive and encouraging of doing the right thing.

(I also think it's fine if you previously used a strategy where taking away points or tokens previously awarded worked - it doesn't really help to have such blanket statements about what never works or always works because all children are different.)

I agree it does not help to add consequences at home for behaviour in school. Support the school's consequences yes but no to adding extra ones. One of the things that can really help as well if you have a child who struggles with emotional regulation is having a framework where the structure of rules and consequences are essentially framed as external to the child-parent or child-teacher relationship. If the child sees it as "She just hates me and is always getting me in trouble!" that doesn't help motivate them to behave at all - it just causes the relationship to break down. When you can be like "Oh no, you've lost a point now because you did X and that's against the rules, remember?" it's much easier to position yourself as on your child's side/how can I help you so you don't lose another point today, let's make a plan to keep your points tomorrow. But that means you have to stick quite rigidly to the system, don't manipulate it in order to benefit you (e.g. letting something go because you think they tried really hard or you feel guilty or they had a bad day so it was excusable, increasing a consequence because a behaviour was extra annoying or threatening to increase it to win a power struggle etc.)

Children who don't usually have difficulties managing their behaviour but occasionally make mistakes as everyone does can handle the occasional bit of parental disapproval/disappointment, but if you have a child for whom behaving well is a constant challenge, it REALLY helps if they can see adults as united with them against the very tedious-but-sensible-really system of rules, boundaries and consequences. If they get into a position where they feel it is them vs the adults, then it tends to make things very difficult indeed.

BertieBotts · 09/10/2025 00:40

Mamamia2019 · 08/10/2025 21:58

We had a small win at school today also, as I have already started since the weekend to talk about anger and how it’s a normal emotion and mummy and daddy sometimes feel angry at things, and how sometimes anger might make you feel like hitting or hurting but that it’s never okay etc so we must think about how we calm ourselves down before acting etc with counting, moving away, speaking to a grown up telling them you’re angry etc.

They said today a child pulled something he was working on out his hand forcefully and it fell over the floor, they saw him appear to become angry and said the child’s name loudly but then followed with “oh, I was going to shout then..” and they then quickly intervened and moved him away, praised him recognising anger, not acting on it, and helping him to pick up his knocked things from floor and took him to another activity he liked.

It’s only little but I feel that’s amazing considering we have only been talking through it a few days and having that self reflection is great. Going to continue working with this, have also order “The Explosive Child” book I’d read lots about online being good for managing anger in children, as the course doesn’t start till late November and I wanted to start managing the behaviour now.

But also - all of this is amazing and you should be so proud of him. Well done MiniMia!

Mamamia2019 · 09/10/2025 09:50

BertieBotts · 09/10/2025 00:29

The Explosive Child is not really about managing anger.

It is a good book and a useful approach but a lot of people find it frustrating as the title makes you think it will help you with what to do when they explode, which it doesn't really. Or that it will help children explode less. Which it can do if you are able to follow it 100% and drop close to all demands, but for most people they aren't at that point when they read the book.

What it is is a very good guide for radical acceptance, seeing the child's perspective, and communication around that, problem solving and figuring out out-of-the-box solutions for predictable, repeated areas where you and your child tend to clash - these are essential skills for ND families, IMO, and the messages from the author are extremely valuable, but I would expect that this wouldn't be hugely practical for you at this point in time. (It is a good book, so don't send it back!)

What I would recommend particularly if you want something that will go well with the WIC course is this online course - it's free if you choose the no-certificate version. You can do it at your own pace and it's useful from the first lesson. It's much more positive and it explains some other useful things about rewards, consequences, intrinsic motivation etc. It seems to be based on high quality evidence. There are also some really useful concepts in here such as - most people assume if threat of a consequence isn't helping a child change behaviour, you should increase the consequence. Actually, it's much more effective to move the goal closer. So build a stepping stone and aim for that stepping stone instead, once you're stable on that stone you can aim for your originally wanted behaviour. And if it's not working, instead of increasing the consequence or reward, reduce the gaps between each stepping stone. I don't love the fact that they immediately jump to compliance as an example of a behaviour to target, but you can use it without targeting compliance specifically.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Most likely the school reward jar has stopped working because it is either not specific enough so he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to earn the reward, the "payout" isn't coming quickly enough for it to be motivating, the novelty value has worn off and fatigue for using the preferred behaviour has set in, or it's actually targeting a gap which is too wide - they need to make a stepping stone to aim at instead. Though the one thing the ABCs course misses IMO is that sometimes skills also need to be explicitly taught or the foundation for that skill needs strengthening. Their theory is that if you reinforce lots of small instances of (or towards) the wanted behaviour, this encourages the child to repeat it and through this repetition they will practice the skill/behaviour and it will get easier for them. That is probably true if the unwanted behaviour is simply a bad habit that they have got stuck in. If instead, it's a strategy they are falling back on because they don't have the skills or ability to use a different strategy, then you might not get very far by trying to reward when they accidentally do the thing you want. Worst case scenario, you can even teach a child to mask their own needs by performing the "correct" response which is not actually working for them. (I apologise but I can't think of a useful human example, but an example in dog training would be discouraging a dog from growling, which then means that when the dog is stressed it has no way to communicate this and while it may appear less aggressive in the short term, it may mean that the dog is more likely to bite with no apparent warning.)

OTOH though since a reward jar is designed to strengthen and reinforce practice of a behaviour that you are trying to develop, it doesn't matter that items don't get taken out of it. That would be like saying every time you get a maths question wrong you're undoing a bit of maths you've learnt. It doesn't work like that. It's not supposed to be hard and unforgiving of mistakes. It's supposed to be supportive and encouraging of doing the right thing.

(I also think it's fine if you previously used a strategy where taking away points or tokens previously awarded worked - it doesn't really help to have such blanket statements about what never works or always works because all children are different.)

I agree it does not help to add consequences at home for behaviour in school. Support the school's consequences yes but no to adding extra ones. One of the things that can really help as well if you have a child who struggles with emotional regulation is having a framework where the structure of rules and consequences are essentially framed as external to the child-parent or child-teacher relationship. If the child sees it as "She just hates me and is always getting me in trouble!" that doesn't help motivate them to behave at all - it just causes the relationship to break down. When you can be like "Oh no, you've lost a point now because you did X and that's against the rules, remember?" it's much easier to position yourself as on your child's side/how can I help you so you don't lose another point today, let's make a plan to keep your points tomorrow. But that means you have to stick quite rigidly to the system, don't manipulate it in order to benefit you (e.g. letting something go because you think they tried really hard or you feel guilty or they had a bad day so it was excusable, increasing a consequence because a behaviour was extra annoying or threatening to increase it to win a power struggle etc.)

Children who don't usually have difficulties managing their behaviour but occasionally make mistakes as everyone does can handle the occasional bit of parental disapproval/disappointment, but if you have a child for whom behaving well is a constant challenge, it REALLY helps if they can see adults as united with them against the very tedious-but-sensible-really system of rules, boundaries and consequences. If they get into a position where they feel it is them vs the adults, then it tends to make things very difficult indeed.

Thank you for taking the time for such a detailed response. I stand corrected on The Explosive Child! I think it will be helpful in helping me gain his perspective and understanding his actions, as empathy goes along way and think I’ll be a better parent with these skills.

I will look at the course you’ve linked thanks so much that makes complete sense actually, one of those little lightbulb moments and I hope it can teach me how to support those little wins.

He definitely is bothered by parental approval to some degree. Last night he was unhappy as I told him to put back one of 2 yoghurts he had got out for dessert. He got up to do it and kind of huffily hit the yoghurt against the sofa which then exploded everywhere. He immediately burst into tears and said “you hate me!” As I was frowning and had said “get a cloth to clean it up that’s very silly”. This really shocked and upset me, I gave him a massive cuddle and reassured him how much I loved him and how while it was silly, even when he does naughty things it doesn’t change how much I love him, I may just feel mad in that moment. But I hadn’t shouted or anything so his reaction seemed disproportionate (he was also VERY tired and we swiftly went to bed once we’d cleaned up and had lots of cuddles). He checked a few times if I was sad with him still, and was very happy when I wasn’t. I feel these expectations of school and “being good” constantly are what caused his reaction. I told him mummy isn’t good all the time and I do silly stuff and make mistakes and it’s normal and we can’t be good and perfect all the time. He seemed happy with being acknowledged and reassured of this.

OP posts:
Coffeetime25 · 09/10/2025 10:04

Arran2024 · 07/10/2025 20:24

Welcome to the world of sen parenting!

Professionals will try to blame you and put you on inappropriate courses.

Something is clearly going on though and you need to start investigating why he behaves like this.

not disappointed lol it the diagnosis on one post brigade

BertieBotts · 09/10/2025 11:07

YY for sure the explosive child is helpful - I just think it helps if you come into it with the right expectations if that makes sense? It was originally published a long time ago when some of the concepts in it were groundbreaking and I know that ~15 or so years ago MNers used to rave about it, but these days I see more people than not saying they tried it and it wasn't any use or it didn't help them. My (possibly wrong) theory about this is that some of the principles have (finally!!!) made their way into wider thinking about challenging behaviour, and so the concept that the child is not deliberately being a little toad but is actully struggling is no longer groundbreaking. Which is excellent. But then the given strategy to address this is quite radical and for most people they don't feel ready to turn their entire life over to this way of communicating with their child.

My son is also liable to take everything personally especially if he is tired. It's all a process, and he will get there.

A discussion on the internet mentioning the word SEN is not a diagnosis (as I am sure you know Smile)

Sausageplait · 10/10/2025 10:35

Being 4/5 is so hard . So many new experiences and new beginnings. School is a weird and wonderful place but understanding the rules and expectations takes some children so much longer than others.
You are so willing to listen to others OP . Your little boy has every chance if settling and mastering the art of the school day!

Mamamia2019 · 09/12/2025 21:43

Hi all,

Thought I would update the thread in case anyone finds themselves in a similar situation. As we now approach the end of the first term we now have a completely different child in school! We worked super hard with the school to support techniques at home/ at school like role playing situations he may find frustrating at school etc. emotion naming etc. His behaviour has improved so dramatically that they rescinded the offer of the parenting course as we are no longer eligible and he has received multiple certificates for good behaviour/ and a head teachers award. He is thriving and it appears he just needed time to transition into the intensity of full time education. Thank you all for your support, I hope there are no further issues but if there are I will look back on the advice given here. I really appreciate all of your input and support. Xxx

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 22:54

What a brilliant update, I’m so pleased for all of you 😊

Sunshineclouds11 · 10/12/2025 09:07

Awr amazing update! Well done to you all

AprilinPortugal · 10/12/2025 10:13

I get what you're saying, but maybe in their experience the behaviour can escalate to home as he gets older. It's probably worth going along just to learn some strategies, just in case. Particularly if he has siblings. It does sound frustrating for you, especially when you sound like you're doing everything you can, but best to keep school onside!

Mamamia2019 · 13/12/2025 13:26

AprilinPortugal · 10/12/2025 10:13

I get what you're saying, but maybe in their experience the behaviour can escalate to home as he gets older. It's probably worth going along just to learn some strategies, just in case. Particularly if he has siblings. It does sound frustrating for you, especially when you sound like you're doing everything you can, but best to keep school onside!

Thank you but I actually updated to say we are no longer eligible as he has settled right into school and now doing amazingly. Thanks for your input and advice though x

OP posts:
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