Sad about my granddaughter

[Bubblemaker45]

A brief history.. a few years ago my son had a awful relationship with his ex partner. They were both awful and they had three children which they nearly lost. They split and he took the two youngest and has stepped up and become a amazing parent. I couldn't be any prouder.
My eldest granddaughter stayed with her as at 10 the social services believed she could choose.
We had limited contact as mum would often let us arrange days out or sleep overs but at cancel at last minute. So I would se her when she went to dad's.
But things have escalated over last 2 years and in a seriously worrying way . Her behaviour at school has escalated in to aggressive outbursts. She seems at war with everyone. She's constantly on edge. The school put her in isolation and say she basically a bad egg. The truth is my granddaughter has been going days with out food . Going to school in dirty smelly clothes. The home often has no electricity but mum and he partner are constantly stoned. The partner is abusive to my granddaughter if she walks in a room . When she's asleep he goes to room and will pull the pillow from under her head.
I went to the house and tried to sort something out but ended getting a warning from the police. My son's escalated his concerns to the social worker often but they said in their eyes she's ok. My son's given money to the mum for electric and food. She's come to her dad's twice but goes back as mum says she will end up homeless.
So now she's finally left and I spent time with her and was stunned on how different she is. She's on edge and zones out at lot. I took her to my mum's and she gave her a can of pop and crisps and looked like she'd won the lottery. But I noticed she was side glancing constantly at my dad like she expected something it was odd. I've asked her questions and basically doesn't say much. She just said she'd finally not hungry. She's thin.
But her behaviour at school is not good and as I've said before the school have just labelled her bad. My husband sat and told them how her life has been and they say there dumbstruck. I think one was going to cry as they'd literally had no idea . For me I feel angry as no one seemed to care at school or social services why she is they way she is. My granddaughter is wonderful 12 year old girl who none of us are giving up on. Has anyone had experience of this. How did you as family deal with it. I want her to know how loved she is. X

You need to raise your concerns with SS.
Your son needs to go back to court to try and get his daughter.

He has on numerous occasions raised his concerns and they didn't act or said they'd got no concerns. However they've been to the home many times and mum wouldn't answer the door. He's had numerous meetings. He's waiting for a court date.

Your son needs to go back to court to get custody of her. If she wants to live with her dad they will take that into consideration and allow it.

Zoning out is dissociation from the trauma. She's wary of men as she's been abused by one. The angry outbursts are at school because school is safe. There are rules and she knows the grown ups won't hit or kill her. She may have been sexually abused by the stepfather. You need to take her to the GP for mental health support and STD tests. Many asymptomatic.

She will need to be taught the basics of hygiene and tidying up due to the neglect.

And you may find she food hoards as she's used to the food scarcity

I’m puzzled as to why you seem to be blaming the school when you and your son were fully aware that your granddaughter was being mistreated by her mother and her partner, and yet were unable to change things until now. Why would you expect her school to be able to do more?

Your writing isn’t easy to understand in places — are you saying that your granddaughter’s mother has finally left her abusive partner, or that your granddaughter has left to live with your son?

Either way, she needs TLC, possibly to be treated as a bit younger than her age, and to have some therapy to heal.

No wonder she's struggling, two parents who were selfish/abusive, and a granny who thinks it's fine to go to her home and be so abusive she gets a police warning.

The food issue, you could put money on the system at school for lunch. Dad needs to keep on at SS and the school, do it via email so there's a paper trail, make notes of everything. If he lives nearby he could keep clothes at his so she can change as well.

Where is your granddaughter living now? With her dad or with her mum?

if with her mum, can you write out a full list of the things that are neglected to take to social services.

You don’t have to be abusive to get a police warning, just being there would be enough for the police to direct their attention at the Person They think is least likely to punch them in the face as a result of it and the easiest to remove from the premises.

Has she been asked to confirm whether it remains her choice to stay with her mum?

She would have had to be at the house long enough to piss them off and she didn't leave before the police got there either.

She shouldn't have even been over at the house, or been there after being asked to leave.

All of the adults in this girls life are failing her in one way or another.

You can keep making referrals for social care and it seems that school have hopefully now done the same?

Perhaps she was hoping that the police officers might get a whiff of the weed and take a different course of action. Unrealistic of course, but one can live in hope.

Then it would have been better to call the police to the house rather than show up to cause trouble at her grandaughters home and antagonise, what sounds like, an already volatile situation.

Sorry I didn't make my self clearer. My granddaughter made the decision to stay with her mum, my son tried to have her numerous times however she chose to stay with her mum . The social services allowed this despite my son's concerns. She did however leave her mum's and go to my son's home. But her mum called and said if she didn't return she would loose her benefits and home . So my granddaughter went back as the social worker said she was considered old enough to make this decision.
In regards to the school her mum was the only one allowed updates and could be informed of any issues. My son only found out of her behaviour when a social worker visited. I work in teaching and if a child is highlighted as a concern for behaviour we would naturally try and work out why where possible. However it was highlighted she was going to school hungry and unkept.

It sounds so difficult for her but I'm glad she's got a good grandmother on her side who loves her and sees her potential. I'm sure knowing you're rooting for her and believe good things will come for her make a big difference. ❤️

I can see your point but understand grandmother feeling desperate in these moments and the action taken.

I'm not why you think my son is selfish. He's tried desperately to have contact with his daughter. He has constantly lent mum money for and electric to make sure his daughter has eaten..in regards to the school mum had sole rights which excluded anyone else being involved.
I didn't go to the house and be abusive I went there to discuss having her for her birthday as no calls had been answered for months as a last resort however mum called the police so I walked away but I had a warning of the police. They agreed that I had done nothing wrong but grandparents legally have no rights unfortunately.

I’d call a social aneevices anonymously. Pretend to be a neighbour and report some concerns that way as your GD is being emotionally abused at least. Poor thing.

I think it's a bit harsh to say we're letting my granddaughter down. We've tried the court route and grandparents have no rights legally. My son has had meets with the social services and anyone else that would listen but unfortunately no one seems to want to do anything. If I didn't bother and not care I wouldn't be trying desperately to help her. Being powerless is the worst feeling in the world.

I did call the police on numerous occasions to do a welfare check. They did do one and called social services and made them visit the property but unfortunately nothing much seemed to happen . The house was considered in a filthy state according to the police so they were surprised to find 18 months later she's still there.

Court and social services probably can’t do much, you guys just need to provide a safe calm space for her and encourage her to spend time with you when she wants to. Keep the pressure low, give her food and somewhere to get cleaned up.

Why is your son not a school contact for your grandaughter? If he has parental rights he needs to be, this should be standard practice especially for separated parents!!

If your grand-daughter's mother had 'sole rights' does that mean your son had his parental rights terminated?