Sad about my granddaughter

[Bubblemaker45]

A brief history.. a few years ago my son had a awful relationship with his ex partner. They were both awful and they had three children which they nearly lost. They split and he took the two youngest and has stepped up and become a amazing parent. I couldn't be any prouder.
My eldest granddaughter stayed with her as at 10 the social services believed she could choose.
We had limited contact as mum would often let us arrange days out or sleep overs but at cancel at last minute. So I would se her when she went to dad's.
But things have escalated over last 2 years and in a seriously worrying way . Her behaviour at school has escalated in to aggressive outbursts. She seems at war with everyone. She's constantly on edge. The school put her in isolation and say she basically a bad egg. The truth is my granddaughter has been going days with out food . Going to school in dirty smelly clothes. The home often has no electricity but mum and he partner are constantly stoned. The partner is abusive to my granddaughter if she walks in a room . When she's asleep he goes to room and will pull the pillow from under her head.
I went to the house and tried to sort something out but ended getting a warning from the police. My son's escalated his concerns to the social worker often but they said in their eyes she's ok. My son's given money to the mum for electric and food. She's come to her dad's twice but goes back as mum says she will end up homeless.
So now she's finally left and I spent time with her and was stunned on how different she is. She's on edge and zones out at lot. I took her to my mum's and she gave her a can of pop and crisps and looked like she'd won the lottery. But I noticed she was side glancing constantly at my dad like she expected something it was odd. I've asked her questions and basically doesn't say much. She just said she'd finally not hungry. She's thin.
But her behaviour at school is not good and as I've said before the school have just labelled her bad. My husband sat and told them how her life has been and they say there dumbstruck. I think one was going to cry as they'd literally had no idea . For me I feel angry as no one seemed to care at school or social services why she is they way she is. My granddaughter is wonderful 12 year old girl who none of us are giving up on. Has anyone had experience of this. How did you as family deal with it. I want her to know how loved she is. X

Goes days without food? Surely that's a police matter. Why are Social Services leaving her there? Doesn't sound like she even wants to be there.

The situation is sad and tragic. If it is as bad as your son says he needs to do something, like call the police and tell them the child is going says without food, living without electricity with a couple of druggies. At least then the police might go round there and seize the drugs!

Why does the Mum even keep this child with her and treat her like this? What does she do all day? Doesn't the child receive free meals at School at the very least?

Um no it wouldn't. Paternity would have been settled during the proceedings if there was any question!

Your son needs to speak to the DSL at your granddaughter’s school, or your graddaughtwr’s school . They may choose to put a professional referral based on what you have said. You could also ask about the possibility of an Early Help referral. If she is already getting into trouble at school to the extent where her place could be at risk, they should be doing this anyway.

Just to add…Keep Children Safe in Education (a statutory document for schools) states that staff should be prepared that the child may not be ready to admit they are being abused or neglected.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. We went through a similar situation with my niece.

We all tried to get help for her via SS, it was like talking to a brick wall. Her dad made calls to SS, asking, begging for help. They didn't want to know. Just as in your situation, the child was old enough to decide where she wanted to live so she was allowed to stay with her mom. I wouldn't say she lived in squalor, but she wasn't being looked after. The front door was like a revolving door with mom's many boyfriends. There was weed in the house. She wasn't encouraged to wash regularly, didn't have many clothes. Anything we provided; money for birthdays, dinner money, pocket money for example, all 'vanished'.

It is incredibly frustrating when all the people that SHOULD help WON'T help.

Is it any wonder why a child comes to serious harm and then there's a serious case review and 'lessons will be learned', yet when they have the opportunity to intervene, they often don't.

Parental responsibility - if they weren't married, I think your son would have to apply to the court for this. School then MUST treat him as an equal in terms of his rights as a parent. He needs to get this ASAP.

Finally, I am so glad you are continuing to fight for your granddaughter. She needs you. My mom was exactly the same x

There is tonnes of evidence that kids need just one nurturing relationship with an adult to succeed. Just one. It's heartbreaking that some don't get even this.

I'd work on building trust with her. I'd be patient, kind, non judgemental, and let her know she could always come to me and I'd take her seriously, and that she would be safe. If you can build your relationship with her with a foundation of trust and respect, then I bet you'll see her change. Keep looking out for her.

Her behaviour sounds like a trauma response. Disassociation and hyper vigilence/alertness are common. It wouldn't surprise me if someone says she has adhd at some point when what she actually has is unresolved trauma.

Why do you think social services are the ones who should be protecting children above their families? Her dad was involved - it was on him to do something about it, not social workers. Social services couldn't make her leave her mum's care especially if her dad couldn't persuade her!

You're also totally wrong about parental responsibility, it's conferred by being on the birth certificate, not marriage.

Oh shut up ffs. Her “granny” is advocating for her grandchild in passion and anger. Of course the police would be called when a low down dirty skunk head mother is challenged.

OP thank god she has you, and good on you for making the school aware. I suspect she’s been abused but don’t press her on it just guide her to the right resources. Maybe ypas?

you’ve got the ability to change her life for the better now.

Maybe it's normal in your circles for grandparents to be escorted off someone else's property and warned by the police, but it's certainly not normal in mine.

Do you think a kid watching her grandparent getting escorted away by the police while she's stuck in the house with a mum and stepdad who are agitated is a healthy situation?

None of the adults are covering themselves in glory in this situation, and this poor child is stuck in the middle of it.

So, no, I won't "shut up, ffs" 🤨

Because a dad cannot just 'take' his child. Authorities have to be involved. If there is neglect or abuse, who do you think makes that decision if the mother won't give up the child? Look what happened to this poster, she turned up at granddaughter's house and ended up getting a warning from the police. Paternal relatives don't have much of a say in anything. Rights mostly are reserved for the mother.

And I am not 'totally' wrong about parental responsibility. Unless it has changed in recent years, unmarried fathers had to apply for parental responsibility.

Yes it changed in 2003!!
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
You're right that a dad can't just take a child. But social services can't give him permission to do that either. Only a court can do that - and the father has to make the application, not social services. If a mother won't hand the child over to the father then the court is the only body that can force her to. Not social services.

And how do you think that process starts? By contacting SS with concerns for the safety of the child! Solicitors were involved, court case was in the pipeline, but SS needed to be involved and they weren't reacting to concerns that were being raised. I never said that they could give permission - I said that he begged them for help and raised concerns and they didn't want to know!

On parental responsibility, I stand corrected, I wasn't aware that this was now automatic.

No, the process starts with an application to court. No need to involve social services in that at all. Social services are involved in a very small % of private law applications. Usually the court will appoint a guardian from cafcass and they only involve social services if the cafcass guardian believes there are safeguarding concerns. I do this for a living.

The child is literally her ticket to get housing benefit. The poor girl has had it drummed into her that her mum will lose the house if she's not there. Hideous.

Call police on them re: drugs. Even if the Mum goes to prison for it at least she won't be street homeless and the girl can live with her Dad or go into foster care.

So if you had a concern that a child was being neglected, you wouldn't ring SS? That's worrying.

@Bubblemaker45 How far from her do you & her father live? While you're trying to get the authorities to intervene, I would have her to stay as often as possible.

Tell her she can come & stay when she's tired to get a decent night's sleep, that she can come where she's hungry or when she's not had a proper meal and you will feed her.
Tell her she can come to yours to do her homework, and when she just needs to relax,l and some peace.
Tell her she's safe at yours and she's always welcome.
Start preparing breakfast and a good lunch and taking into school and leaving it for her at reception.

It sounds like she's old enough to start coming over when she wants rather than through arrangement by her mother.

Can dad top up her food account at sschool so she can have breakfast and dinner?

Can she keep her pe kit in school and school wash it (ours does for a couple of kids)

Perhaps make her a hygiene bag so she always has soap, shampoo, sanity wear etc

No, that's not what I said. By the way, I am social services, so no need to be 'worrying'. What I said was that if a father wants to have their child in their care more and the mother doesn't agree then he needs to apply to court. He doesn't need to involve social services in order to apply to court. This is fact. Social services may get involved at the request of the court but by no means is it compulsory that they are involved.

Things about this thread aren't adding up, as @CloverPyramid, @TheBlueHotel and others have picked up on.

Im not disbelieving that the OP doesn't care about DGD, but things aren't right here

No, what you said was 'why should social services be protecting children above their families'.

We asked for help. Her dad asked for help. And they didn't want to know.

If paternal families CAN'T help (no or limited rights) and Social Services WON'T help, who is there for that child?

Funny though, a couple of years went by, niece was off the rails and mom 'couldn't cope.' We were invited by SS to attend a family meeting to rally support for the mother 🙄. They knew where we were when they wanted something from us!

I just want to say thank you for all the replies good and bad. I've seen all the replies and think it's just best to answer them as best I can.
my son initially left when his ex partner weed habbit was more important . He tried to take the children then but she called the police and he was asked to leave their home.
He immediately got a solicitor. At this point a neighbour had called police who access the property and were appalled at the way they were living . The social services were then involved. The two younger children were removed and my granddaughter was left. To this day I do not understand why ?
My son has brought the 2 younger children no issues while weekly giving her money for food and electric. So in the last 2 half years mum's refusing to see or have any contact with younger two.
My son has tried to play a active part in his daughter's life. He lives around a hours drive away but trys to make sure she has what she needs. However it seems that any additional money his gave her hasn't got to his daughter. Social services have still been regularly involved with mum but have recently stated that visits to home were often fruitless as she would never answer the door. My son's solicitor has tried to liaise with social services and the local council who were apparently trying to support her. My son did travel to the home but it often ended in mum calling the police. It was decided for the best he was no longer allowed to approach the house. My son's tryed every avenue to gain more access to his daughter but when moving up to secondary he was removed as a contact. My son gained full parental control over the younger two. It seems mum has had a partner for around 18 months. One of many I assume and neighbours have called the police for various reasons. I'm not sure why my granddaughter hasn't been removed. But I've always tried to keep good communication with her mum. But it all ceased a while ago hence me visiting. The social services visited my son and this was how he was updated about his daughter. But despite phone calls police welfare checks nothing appeared to change. A visit was arranged by social services and it was decided during visit she was going to stay. But mum rang multiple times and began the guilt trip on my granddaughter leading to her going back. My son argued with the social workers but they decided she could make decisions for her self.
It esca6to the point my granddaughter behaviour was so bad that her mum eventually allowed her to go to my son's where she currently is staying. My granddaughter is very loyal to her mum despite how she's been treated. She's told social services that she would like about food and many other things. She was asked if any money sent over was spent on food she declined to answer.
While I know many in this are sa6why didn't he do more getting arrested would no benefit his younger two. I myself and my husband did try to go to court but unfortunately the reality is grandparents have no rights what so ever . X