Sad about my granddaughter

[Bubblemaker45]

A brief history.. a few years ago my son had a awful relationship with his ex partner. They were both awful and they had three children which they nearly lost. They split and he took the two youngest and has stepped up and become a amazing parent. I couldn't be any prouder.
My eldest granddaughter stayed with her as at 10 the social services believed she could choose.
We had limited contact as mum would often let us arrange days out or sleep overs but at cancel at last minute. So I would se her when she went to dad's.
But things have escalated over last 2 years and in a seriously worrying way . Her behaviour at school has escalated in to aggressive outbursts. She seems at war with everyone. She's constantly on edge. The school put her in isolation and say she basically a bad egg. The truth is my granddaughter has been going days with out food . Going to school in dirty smelly clothes. The home often has no electricity but mum and he partner are constantly stoned. The partner is abusive to my granddaughter if she walks in a room . When she's asleep he goes to room and will pull the pillow from under her head.
I went to the house and tried to sort something out but ended getting a warning from the police. My son's escalated his concerns to the social worker often but they said in their eyes she's ok. My son's given money to the mum for electric and food. She's come to her dad's twice but goes back as mum says she will end up homeless.
So now she's finally left and I spent time with her and was stunned on how different she is. She's on edge and zones out at lot. I took her to my mum's and she gave her a can of pop and crisps and looked like she'd won the lottery. But I noticed she was side glancing constantly at my dad like she expected something it was odd. I've asked her questions and basically doesn't say much. She just said she'd finally not hungry. She's thin.
But her behaviour at school is not good and as I've said before the school have just labelled her bad. My husband sat and told them how her life has been and they say there dumbstruck. I think one was going to cry as they'd literally had no idea . For me I feel angry as no one seemed to care at school or social services why she is they way she is. My granddaughter is wonderful 12 year old girl who none of us are giving up on. Has anyone had experience of this. How did you as family deal with it. I want her to know how loved she is. X

I'm not sure if his rights were terminated but in court my son was given custody of the younger two but asked for joint custody of my granddaughter but mum objected and she was given a care order rather than custody . I'm not actually sure why it was done this way .

Thank you x

He was always a contact in junior school and then secondary mum was only contact . Dad tried to be added however mum had a care order while dad had custody of other two. The school stated mum had to agree. I work in teaching and it gets quite complex when parents are separated as lots of paperwork is required. He supplied everything they asked however it never changed anything.

We're trying. The school is the biggest factor at the moment with the behaviour. We're asking school to support rather than put on isolation as she often is on a daily basis.

Social services don’t just say “she’s 10, she can choose to live in squalor” if there’s an appropriate alternative parent for her to live with who is asking for that to happen. They just don’t. I work in social care (not a social worker) and I see literally the opposite- social workers essentially begging non-resident parents to take their children away from abusive situations that aren’t even as bad as you’re describing.

Your son is either lying to you about how hard he’s pressing social care, or there are grave concerns about his own parenting that he isn’t sharing with you/you are in denial about.

Even if social care did say “it’s her choice, we won’t remove her”, they don’t make the final decision about where a child lives if two people with parental responsibility are fighting over custody. The courts do. Even if social services said she was fine at her mum’s house, your son still can and should be taking her mum through the court system and fighting to have his daughter in his care.

Social care will be asked to provide evidence during a court case, but if the situation is as you describe there’s no way they’ll be singing mum’s praises in official court documents. At most they might say they have no concerns, in which case you bring out the large amounts of evidence you would have if the situation is as you’ve described.

I didn't go there to upset anyone..I just knocked on the door and asked about birthday arrangements. It's been months since I'd heard of them and despite numerous messages and my son trying to get contact it was a last resort. I was calm. I believe she'd already called the police before she'd opened the door.

You have no legal recourse but her dad does! Why did he expect social services to do something rather than him apply to court as is his right?

I know you're not a lawyer or a social worker but none of this is correct. A care order is only granted to a local authority, not to a parent. There is no 'custody'. Are you actually saying that he had 2 children placed in his care by the court and no contact was ordered with the oldest? That makes no sense at all.

I truly believe that you’re picking up on something, please don’t stop fighting for her. I think she’s being abused xx

I don't understand about paperwork etc to be given info from the school? If he has parental responsibility it's his legal right to be kept informed. My partner just emailed the school, nothing his ex could do about it.

Have you answered why your son hasn't gone to court to try to get custody of his daughter?

Get off mn and report to SS shocked you haven’t already, keep reporting until something is done.

OP is doing all she can to-didn’t you read that the mother said she would lose her house if DD moved out -Hence the girl can’t go to DF’s or her mother will be on the street.

So Dd refuses to leave. Doesn’t want her mother homeless -understandable but poor that SS aren’t dealing with this issue as nothing will change until they do

And SS have said she’s old enough to choose!

So nothing DF does can change this she is choosing to stay with DM as she thinks is she will be homeless otherwise.

She has explained that he has, 2 years ago. However things have obviously deteriorated a lot since then and he needs to go back.

What a pointlessly mean spirited and also gormless comment, since you clearly didn't read any of the thread.

So the daughter is being manipulated and coerced by her mother into staying. SS should be taking this into account. If they've been told, and have taken it seriously.

You do understand that social services don't decide where children live, right?

In your first post you said she has finally left. But then later on you are mentioning you won’t stop fighting. So is she now with your son, or still with her mum?

As I understood that part, it was the grandchild’s mother who’d left her abusive partner. The granddaughter is still living with her mother.

You don’t lend someone money to make sure your child is fed and warm.

If the school has agreed not to let a father be involved, there’s usually a reason.

Calling the police seems very extreme if there is no backstory and you only rang the doorbell to say hello.

Thank god she has you. No idea of the processes here but thinking of you. Hopefully she will be able to make a home with your son and enjoy your full support going forward and make the best life for herself.

It's possible OP's son doesn't have parental responsibility, but if he can prove he is the father he could get it.
https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

What happened at the court hearing which was presumably to decide residence and access? Did your son not get any access at all? If so, is this because the parentage is disputed.
https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/
If the parentage is not disputed and there are no reasons your son cannot have access then he should have been awarded it or could go back to court to request it.

He's already been through court for 3 children, I don't think paternity is in question

I agree with the above poster that it seems likely he doesn’t have parental responsibility of the eldest, maybe as he wasn’t on the birth certificate if they had just met or maybe as he isn’t the biological father of the eldest.

This would explain why the family court order for the younger two differs from that of the eldest.