To have been upset at what DP said after we were intimate?

[Wifetobe26]

DP came home from the gym this afternoon and (rarely for him at the moment given he says he has lost a lot of his drive) instigated sex.

Afterwards we were chatting, and I said light heartedly that it was unlike him to want to do that on a Monday afternoon. He laughed and said the gym was full of women in leggings so he was feeling frisky.

I felt a bit shit at this…but don’t know if I’m being naive? He’s obviously entitled to think this but saying out loud seems unnecessary..

I mean, without OPs comment then this would be really shit but you all seem to have missed the bit where OP brought up his usual lack of sex drive first! Sounds like being a bit defensive to a comment that also could have been hurtful even if meant in a light hearted way.

Imagine struggling with your libido and when you do manage to get the urge your partner makes a comment reminding you of your usual lack of drive, immediately after sex! What a way to kill the mood and kill your confidence! I think his comment was a fair retort.

YABU OP because you started it.

If you're engaged and there's not much sex going on, and he behaves like an insensitive idot, are you really sure about marrying him.

What was he thinking?! I mean, I guess he’s clumsily trying to explain why he’s in the mood but nobody wants to hear it was someone else’s body that caused it!

What has you being autistic got to do with anything? Nobody asked.

Nobody expected him to lie either, as he wasn’t asked a direct question. She made a flippant throwaway remark about it not been like him to be up for it on a Monday afternoon. It was completely unnecessary for him to respond that he had been aroused by women at the gym.
It’s standard social etiquette and decency..

It would really bother me. Just shows how different we all are!

Yep, we are all different.

I'm not the jealous type, but I'd find this so disrespectful. I'd be gone. We teach people how to treat us and this would trigger a doormat alert sign in my head.

That's it for me as well.
I've been going to the gym for years, and we've had countless amounts of men who openly boggle and perv at women. I bet they probably think it's all very undercover and people don't notice, but they really do.
I even had a man at least 20 years older than me who would follow me around during a weightlifting class, standing as close as he could and trying to touch me. Yes, he was made to leave the gym eventually, but when the OP said about her partner being turned on by looking at women in leggings it turned my stomach and took me right back to that time.
I couldn't stand thinking I was potentially with one of those type of men and would have the immediate ick.
Everyone has their own limits - being told I was basically a wank sock after he got horny over other people at the gym is mine 🤮

This is the thing though @DramaLlamacchiato

Yes, not many women would do that, but if they did, and they told their DH that’s why….most of them wouldn’t even mind!

The insecure, nasty little men would mind and would be horrible about it, no doubt.

But my husband, for example, I’m pretty sure would just laugh.

No jealousy.

crazy how we are so different.

Don’t marry him. I wouldn’t trust him not to try and instigate an affair with one of the gym women.

Yes, but you wouldn't be stupid enough to tell him that would you? If the sight or thought of someone else put you in the mood, you'd want them to think they were the reason.
Or am I just old fashioned?

Stupid enough to be truthful and honest with the one person you are supposed to be completely transparent with?

I guess I would rather not be lied to.

I see no problem with this, my DH passed away and I'm now in a quite difficult to define relationship. We're both bi, and often fancy the same people, and we certainly don't mind telling each other. Looking is fine, acting on it is wrong

What the hell! Awful. Does he think he's speaking to a pal in the pub? I wouldn't even know what to say to that to be honest!

You said what I was thinking. He's fantasising about these women he can't have at the gym, and coming home and using his wife, effectively. Its rank behaviour to do that but to say it to her, only someone cruel would do that.

Erm no. Your relationship is a different thing entirely. This couple are in a defined relationship, not a 'quite difficult to define relationship', neither are bi and this is not normal for them to talk about it.

Why should women be grateful that men don't cheat on them? what a fcking disgusting comment. Going to the bathroom would have been nicer than her feeling used by him.

Jesus, he’s not the brightest of bulbs, is he?!

God the bar is so low for men these days. You’ve got a perv for a partner and he has no shame about that. He’s sexually dysfunctional (does he use porn?) and is perving on women in public to achieve arousal for his partner. It’s not going to get better from here.

@Thingscouldntgetanyworse

I think that is ok that other things have stimulated your desire to initiate sex. I think that is normal.

I don’t think it is kind or normal to reference this when having sex with your real life partner.

Would you tell your DH that you love Dave down the road’s aftershave and it really turns you on so you are ready to have sex now?

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

I dont think autism should preclude you from being tactful.

Not wanting to be used as a proverbial tissue does not = insecurity

Her partner is turned on by other women and only wants to have sex after looking at them. Why doesn’t he want to have sex after seeing his partner in leggings????

You’d have to be a mug to find that flattering, it’s awful!

and BTW, everyone experiences getting turned on and taking it to the bedroom later. That’s not what we’re talking about here!

He says he's lost a lot of his drive, but his drive seems fine when he sees other women. He was turned on by other women and took advantage of having a woman at home to satisfy his needs.

The obvious thing to do, would be to make him sleep in another room/settee, or kick him, but I know it's not as easy as that. I do feel there needs to be some consequences.

Go out, come back, ask if he can go down on you because you spotted some men who turned you on, but you don't want sex...just an orgasm. See how he feels eating his own medicine. Tell him if he's incapable of the job, you can just employ a vibrator.

I expect when the OP said it was unlike him to want sex on a Monday afternoon she was saying it because she was so happy that he did - not to put him down and make him feel bad that his libido had all but disappeared.

To then have him tell her it was only down to the hot girls at the gym is just horrible.

I think it's really grim that some women are happy just to be a wank sock for their husbands and are happy to hear that they're just a convenient hole to use while their OH's think about the person they'd really like to be shagging.

That's because a lot of men don't have an imagination capable of thinking that their wife would ever cheat on them. They think they're gods gift. Wifey might think the guy down the road is nice - but then she's coming home to some real meat. Either that or they like the idea of cuckolding anyway.