Let partner’s ex know my address?

[newnameoctober]

My partner and his ex girlfriend split on not very good terms a couple of years ago. They have a young child who will be staying over for the first time this week at ours.
They were given equal responsibility (is that the right term?) by the courts but child lives with her and he has on a weekend since he works full time and she doesn’t work.
she’s never allowed him to know where they live (not a safeguarding issue I know for a fact, just because she likes to control), so he and his family members have always collected the child from a supermarket carpark.
she wants to bring the child over this weekend as she said she just can’t relax not knowing where they are. I thought what a nerve as my partner has never known where child lives!
the thing is I don’t want her coming to my house or knowing where we live either. Her new partner and my partner don’t get on for one, and I just want to keep some things private.
what should I do?

Tell them the supermarket handover is fine. And that is it.

The child is normally collected in a car park, she has no clue if their child was staying where he said previously or not.

She doesn't get to dictate this and doesn't get to visit your home when the child's father doesn't go to hers. Stand your ground.

How convenient for her - she gets to hide her address but finds out your! To me it sounds like this could go wrong and I would not want her to know my address. I'd say continue the handover in the car park and she doesn't get to know your address.

Stick with the supermarket handover and don’t drive straight home because it sounds like she’s type to follow you or pack an AirTag in her kids’ bags.

Pretty obvious, isn’t it?
Supermarket handover, as usual.

This is insane and will absolutely damage the child. What a crazy pressure to live under.

Collecting the poor little sod in car park. Ffs how long have you been seeing your boyfriend?

They want their heads knocking together.

Unless she wants to rethink your partner being able to collect his child from her home it’s a no go.

she can’t have it both ways. It’s either car park pick ups for both sides or home pick ups for both.

Why does she even know that the child will be visiting / staying over at your home?

Unless your relationship is now at a long term stage and very stable I'd suggest that it may not be in your partners child's interest to be staying with you. There needs to be mutual trust on both sides and until your partner can build that with his ex, I would steer very clear of getting stuck in the middle of this .

Are you 100% sure the car park collection is not for a safeguarding issue?

It’s mine and my partner’s home.
she has never let him have the child stay over cos she is controlling. They have had many a row over it. So now she is finally allowing a sleep over.

Err, it’s her who’s always called all the shots and has finally allowed after two years for the child to have their first sleepover at our home.

A year. The collecting has obviously been going on since child was born

My DH never once picked his dd up from her house, he never knew where that was, we swapped in a cinema car park. I don’t think his ex ever had our address either, I’m assuming not but I’m not certain. Mobile phones have stopped the need for such things.

She won't let him have his child overnight and would rather hand their DC over in a car park, than have him find out where they live?

Sounds like she's terrified of him to be honest.

How old is the child? Your adapter should go to court and get an arrangements order in place that sets out which days he has his child so that she can't control things.

Shut up, that’s not the case at all. She said there had to be a build up to child staying over. He’s had the child every weekend since they were born. If she was scared then she would have put something in place.

No, it sounds controlling honestly. My own sister did this when her and her partner of 14 years split when my nephew was 3. She was very open that her ex wasn’t abusive, she just wasn’t giving him the info because she didn’t feel like she owed it to him. He’s now 17 and unfortunately it’s still my sister who is ridiculous in matters like this and it hasn’t slowed down. I feel for my nephew and the poor kid in this post.

Absolutely not the only reason this would happen. My DH hasn’t been aggressive in any way in 30yrs, but his ex wouldn’t give him her address. They divorced because she cheated.

Lol at 'shut up' 😁

Ok well I'd leave it up to the parents to sort out then.

Tell him how you feel and let him decide what's best for his child's contact.

Where does he normally take the child on the weekend? Has the child never been to your house before? I would want to know where my child was so I don't think that's unreasonable but it has to work both ways. What is her reason for not wanting him to know her address?

The child comes to our house every weekend but this is the first time we’ve had them stay over. I suppose it’s not much different but she seems to think it is.
she’s never given a reason or actually said she doesn’t want him knowing the address, she’s just always said it’s the car park - when his parents who sometimes collect the child have said they can collect from her home she brushes it off.

I think it he doesn't tell her she'll refuse the sleepover. How will he/you feel then? I understand your reasons and agree a supermarket should be acceptable for both.

He needs to decide how important the child is and fight for access to stop her controlling behaviour. Does he only see the child one day a week currently? That's no where near 50:50 care. He's a weekend dad and it sounds like he can't be bothered to be honest.

I don’t know what you mean in your OP about equal responsibility given by the Court. If your partner is on the birth certificate he has Parental Responsibility (as does Mother) and a Court wouldn’t need to decide on that. If they have been to Court, what was in the Order ? Time spent, frequency, handover ?

If mother won’t divulge her address, then your partner doesn’t need to either unless ordered by the Court. This is only your concern by virtue of the fact that your partner lives with you so you might want to ask him exactly what has been ordered by the Court, including the progression from day to overnight contact. Has she suddenly decided to ‘allow’ overnight off her own bat or is it in the Court Order ?

There’s not a lot you can do personally except ask your partner not to divulge your address.