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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How many years is too many?

66 replies

momtoboys · 06/10/2025 14:50

Posting here for traffic.

A friend of a friend who is early 60's, divorced, attractive, very successful has a new girlfriend. She is fairly attractive, seems pleasant. He is doting on her. She is 36 years younger than he is. 😳

Does anyone know a similar situation that has worked out?

OP posts:
LostMySocks · 06/10/2025 14:54

A relative had this sort of age gap and similar ages. Was kind of ok for a couple of years but then he quickly aged and didn't do much to help with their 2 sons.
In reality she is now a single parent with caring responsibilities for her husband who is in ill health. She's exhausted and getting hassle from the in ILs that she's not looking after him properly.
Might be different if the older partner was wealthy and could support his family by paying for childcare, cleaning etc

FeliciaFancybottom · 06/10/2025 14:59

Unless you're one of the people in the relationship, it's none of your business.

ComfortFoodCafe · 06/10/2025 15:06

She will end up being his carer in ten-twenty years.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 06/10/2025 15:08

What @ComfortFoodCafe said! Not for me. Although I've been known to be a cougar in the past. 😂

timeandagainagain · 06/10/2025 15:09

What do you mean by 'worked out'? If they are enjoying each other's company right now, its working out for them. Who knows what lies ahead. While that sort of age gap isn't conducive to growing old together, that might not be what they want. Between them, really.

timeandagainagain · 06/10/2025 15:12

p.s. I know one couple with that sort of age gap. He died while she was in her late 30s, they chose to have two kids.He left her a house and a trust fund for the kids. Is that 'working out'? Depends on what she had wanted going into the relationship, I guess! Folks get together for all sorts of reasons.

DramaLlamacchiato · 06/10/2025 15:14

I read this the wrong way round and thought the partner was 96/97 😂

i think he’s a silly old fool if he thinks it’s genuine. Does he have a lot of money? I’d assume she was just a gold digger. He’s old enough to be her grandad

Ttcno2thisber · 06/10/2025 15:17

I think it depends. I used to find these sort of age gaps creepy. I think I still do in some cases.

But my friend has been with her DP for 12 years and is happier than most of my other friends in relationships. Their age gap is 20-25 years. No gold digger, no creepy old perv. They just seem content and happy.

Ttcno2thisber · 06/10/2025 15:18

Ttcno2thisber · 06/10/2025 15:17

I think it depends. I used to find these sort of age gaps creepy. I think I still do in some cases.

But my friend has been with her DP for 12 years and is happier than most of my other friends in relationships. Their age gap is 20-25 years. No gold digger, no creepy old perv. They just seem content and happy.

Some of us did question it when she first got with him, in her words she’d rather be with someone she loves than turn the relationship down for someone her own age that she doesn’t click with.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/10/2025 15:20

FeliciaFancybottom · 06/10/2025 14:59

Unless you're one of the people in the relationship, it's none of your business.

Edited

I mean it is really. If me and my mate are in our 60's, and he starts dating someone if their 20s, then I'm going to re-assess my opinion of my friend, based on the fact that it turns out he's really fucking grim and happy to have a relationship where there's a massive power imbalance.

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:30

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/10/2025 15:20

I mean it is really. If me and my mate are in our 60's, and he starts dating someone if their 20s, then I'm going to re-assess my opinion of my friend, based on the fact that it turns out he's really fucking grim and happy to have a relationship where there's a massive power imbalance.

How patronising.

If I had a "friend" who assumed that a 24 year old woman is not a responsible adult but must be treated like a child unable to make their own decision, I would find them to be too grim indeed to carry on the friendship.

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:37

I am not specially attracted by younger men, but was JLo and her boyfriend C. Smart "creepy"? No.

So why would it be any different the other way round? Each to their own.

But apparently it's fine when men treat women like shit , as we read on here every day - dating or married - but god forbid there's an age gap, the horror.

SpudsAndCarrots · 06/10/2025 15:40

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:37

I am not specially attracted by younger men, but was JLo and her boyfriend C. Smart "creepy"? No.

So why would it be any different the other way round? Each to their own.

But apparently it's fine when men treat women like shit , as we read on here every day - dating or married - but god forbid there's an age gap, the horror.

It's quite creepy yeah.. she was old enough to be his mum.
As was the Cheryl and Liam relationship, especially with her knowing him as a teenager.

PensionMention · 06/10/2025 15:43

How well off is your friend? call me a cynic if you like.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/10/2025 15:44

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:30

How patronising.

If I had a "friend" who assumed that a 24 year old woman is not a responsible adult but must be treated like a child unable to make their own decision, I would find them to be too grim indeed to carry on the friendship.

I don't care about the woman though. I'm a 42 year old man. I work with a bunch of people in their 20's. I know they're adults and capable of making their own decisions about big life choices.

I also know that if I ever dated someone that much younger than me, there'd be a massive power imbalance. The sheer amount of life experience the older person has makes it so much easier for them to control and influence the younger person.

I don't judge any woman who goes out with a much older man. They're making the decision based on the information available to them. But they have no idea of how much influence just being older gives you the ability to exert. The man in that relationship does know that, and the fact that he's willing to engage in a relationship despite knowing it means he's not a good man, and not someone I'd want to be friends with.

Summerhillsquare · 06/10/2025 15:51

PensionMention · 06/10/2025 15:43

How well off is your friend? call me a cynic if you like.

I'm gonna hazard a guess he isn't a binman, or retired on a state pension!

LaurieFairyCake · 06/10/2025 15:51

Really fucking grim

JHound · 06/10/2025 15:52

I will never understand this kind of age gap. It’s gross but if they like it I love it.

SidekickSylvia · 06/10/2025 15:53

I worked with someone who was married to a man 34 years older. He was her dad's friend. He died at 84, when she was 50 and their children were mid/late 20's. I think they had a happy marriage but were estranged from both families including his adult children from his first marriage.

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:55

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/10/2025 15:44

I don't care about the woman though. I'm a 42 year old man. I work with a bunch of people in their 20's. I know they're adults and capable of making their own decisions about big life choices.

I also know that if I ever dated someone that much younger than me, there'd be a massive power imbalance. The sheer amount of life experience the older person has makes it so much easier for them to control and influence the younger person.

I don't judge any woman who goes out with a much older man. They're making the decision based on the information available to them. But they have no idea of how much influence just being older gives you the ability to exert. The man in that relationship does know that, and the fact that he's willing to engage in a relationship despite knowing it means he's not a good man, and not someone I'd want to be friends with.

That's nonsense.

How often do we see the exact opposite, where the younger person had all the confidence and power, and the older was very insecure and possibly an easy prey?

they have no idea of how much influence just being older gives you the ability to exert
is simply not true. It might be true in some cases, but really not a generic truth

Control and influence have nothing to do with being "older".

CharlieKirkRIP · 06/10/2025 15:57

32 year age gap between Joan Collins and Percy Gibson. Met in 2000 and married in 2002.

CarpetKnees · 06/10/2025 15:58

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:30

How patronising.

If I had a "friend" who assumed that a 24 year old woman is not a responsible adult but must be treated like a child unable to make their own decision, I would find them to be too grim indeed to carry on the friendship.

It's not patronising.
It is a fact that our brains are still developing well into our 20s.
It is a fact that at 24 you will obviously have a lot less life experience than a 60 year old.
It is almost certainly a fact there will be huge power imbalance and the 60 year old is likely to be at the top of their career / thinking of retiring, and likely to be a property owner, probably mortgage free or with a small mortgage, etc etc.

You can't seriously expect us to believe you would be comfortable with your 24 year old ds or dd taking up with a 60 year old ?

JHound · 06/10/2025 16:00

PensionMention · 06/10/2025 15:43

How well off is your friend? call me a cynic if you like.

The first thought that popped to my mind. She did say he was “very successful”….!

MoominMai · 06/10/2025 16:00

SpudsAndCarrots · 06/10/2025 15:40

It's quite creepy yeah.. she was old enough to be his mum.
As was the Cheryl and Liam relationship, especially with her knowing him as a teenager.

I think that’s a bit unfair on Cheryl, she had no choice but to be aware of him since he turned up on a show she was a judge for. It’s not like she groomed him in the intervening years, she had several high profile relationships until Liam was fully of age (22) made a move. There was only 10 years difference when they started dating.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/10/2025 16:12

TheLemonPeach · 06/10/2025 15:55

That's nonsense.

How often do we see the exact opposite, where the younger person had all the confidence and power, and the older was very insecure and possibly an easy prey?

they have no idea of how much influence just being older gives you the ability to exert
is simply not true. It might be true in some cases, but really not a generic truth

Control and influence have nothing to do with being "older".

I wonder if it's a male / female thing. I see a lot of posts on here from women who are noticing that they're becoming "invisible" as they age, and they're not just talking about getting the attention they're used to from their looks. They talk about being ignored in work for instance.

That doesn't happen to men, instead we generally become more respected, our opinions are given more weight as we age. An example, my and a colleague have both been doing the same job for around the same time. He's in his late 20s, I'm early 40s. We actually have pretty much exactly the same amount of relevant experience though due to me retraining from a completely different career. Top management are far more likely for my input though, simply because I'm older, I give off more of an aura of experience, even thought it's not true.

That sort of thing happens all the time. My words have weight that they didn't have 20 years ago, people respect me more. And that continues up until mid-70s, after which it starts going downhill again.

And that's before we get to all the ways in which I'm going to have more power in a relationship that are actually tangible. I'm likely to be richer than any younger partner, my career will be more stable, I'll likely own my home, I'll have a larger, more established group of friends. It all contributes to the younger partner being on the backfoot right from the very start of the relationship.

It's ickky, and thats before you get to the fact that at 42, I'm starting to struggle to tell the difference between an 18 year old and a 24 year old. By the time I'm in my 60's, I'd imagine anyone below their 30s is going to look like a kid to me. Why would I want to date that?