To think that we can’t bring children up without traumatising them?

[YourRubyHiker]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to raise children without leaving some kind of emotional mark on them — even when we’re trying our absolute best. And I have been trying my best and miserably failing.

We all have moments when we shout, say no to things that feel important to them, or get too caught up in our own thoughts to really listen, maybe compare them unknowingly or uphold them to an unrealistic standard. Even small things can stick with children in ways we don’t realise.

It makes me wonder… are we meant to aim for “no trauma” at all, or is that unrealistic? Maybe part of being human is that everyone gets shaped (and sometimes strengthened) by the rough edges of their experiences?

Someone once said we’re built by our trauma and if you took all of it away, we might not even be the same people. I find that idea both comforting and a bit sad at the same time.

What do you think? Is it possible to bring up children without causing any trauma? I desperately wish my children stick around when they grow up but sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is really enough.

I don't think the odd bit of shouting at kids causes trauma as such. And however good a job we want to do, we are only human.
I think consistency is key - everyone knows where they are then.

Phillip Larkin did this thread already.

My children will very much be shaped by me, but no they aren’t going to be traumatised.

That was my 1st thought! Though he WAS fucked up.

The word trauma has lost all meaning these days.

Leaving a mark is not 'traumatising' though is it. Trauma is something else.
If we try our best and are loving, that will be the important thing, parents don't have to be perfect.

@Yourethebeerthief yes and no. I was talking to my mum (in her late 50s) and she was telling me that there was one moment that really stuck with her … when her mum once commented on another child’s appearance without actually comparing her). My grandma said : look at that girl, she’s incredibly thin and pretty. This statement ALONE apparently caused my mother to have bulimia.

I know what you mean OP. I’m having counselling at the moment and there is a lot that has massively impacted my life (including choice of partner, home, location, career) that stems back from childhood experiences. I wouldn’t call them trauma but they had sad impacts on me. You’d laugh if I explained them 😂

I grew up in a stable loving family. Family trauma doesn’t always mean abuse, addiction, poverty, neglect. You really don’t know what experiences will impact your children because it’s as much their sensitivity as your behaviour

so yes, no one can be sure they’re not creating childhood trauma.

I’d agree with PP - the term trauma feels over-used, to the point where it is used incorrectly imo.
It now feels that some situations are being exaggerated. To traumatise a child is quite extreme and would require prolonged, chronic or acute abuse, neglect or witnessing physical or psychological violence in my opinion.
I don’t think growing up whilst witnessing a parent, family member or otherwise shouting or losing their temper occasionally would cause “trauma” as such - it’s a realistic representation of what it is to be human, to express authentically.
I think as parents, we ought to aim for consistency, communication, meeting the needs of the child, quality time, play etc. I wouldn’t necessarily get too hell-bent on preventing “trauma” by your definition. It is coming across as a bit suffocating or “helicopter parent”

The statement alone did not cause her bulimia

Give it 15 years and then make that statement.

None of us intend / think we're traumatising our children until BAM! Accusations.

Prepare yourself, because they'll happen. Just don't be one of those parents that doesn't listen and claims not to know what you've done (because it's looking like that's your general direction).

I think you need to understand properly what trauma actually is

How do you know? Anything could happen in your lives next week. Traumatising experiences happen to people every day.

I think YABU for those examples of 'trauma', occasionally shouting or disappointing your kids should not be traumatic, especially if you handle it well afterwards, for example apologising if you were out of line.

And one stray comment does not cause bulimia. There will have been a lot else going on.

I agree with this but is there another world for childhood experiences that have a lifelong negative impact that isn’t trauma? Maybe we’re just missing the right word because we don’t know it.

Indeed, “helicopter parenting”
is what causes “trauma” so no, not by my definition.
I really like your perspective though, it is human and much better than stepford-esque always happy appearance. Like I said though, my mother’s comment made me think really hard about what I’m saying to my kids. I’d say bulimia is a pretty hard response and probably there were other factors as well. It was just something that stuck with my mother. Mind you, I grew up without a father or mother as I was shipped off to grandma after my parents divorced ha.

Childhood will always have an impact, because that’s when significant personality develops, that doesn’t mean it’s traumatic or bad. Children need a degree of adversity to develop resilience - not all adversity is traumatic. Being told “no” isn’t trauma, being disciplined, or disappointed or upset isn’t trauma but modern parenting suggests our kids will be scarred for life if they’re the least bit unhappy or upset. Things shape us, for better or worse but let’s save the language of trauma for the absolutely horrific things that can happen, not being told “no”.

See that sounds like trauma! What happened to you. Why do you think you're doing anything as bad as that to your kids?

I agree!

I think trauma can result from experiences that were unnoticed or accidental by the parents. But I do not think every unpleasant experience is trauma.

If you give your children sufficient love and attention they will become resilient and capable of handling unhappy moments.

You can’t guarantee absence of trauma but, equally, trauma is in no way guaranteed.

I personally was not traumatised as a child.

My parents loved me. They also smacked me a few times, shouted a lot, sent me to bed hungry, didn't buy me the present I really wanted or know when I was really depressed as a teen.
Did they traumatise me. Did they fuck.
My friends who were traumatised were beaten with sticks, sexually abused, not fed for three days foe "stealing food", had parents that constantly screamed in front of them, told them they wished they were never born and kicked them out to sleep on the streets aged 14.
Trauma isn't gained from a bit of shouting or the odd rough behaviour.

I think difficult childhood experiences are different to “trauma” or traumatic experiences, however this is subjective depending on the person, as we are all different and have varying resilience and sensitivity.

'Traumatised' is definitely overused these days.
My parents weren't perfect, but I always knew I was loved. As a result, as an adult I don't have any lingering issues (even though i never got a Mr Frosty ).

I make sure my children know I love them and that life won't always go their way. Hopefully, they'll be alright.

Having said that, my DH is quite messed up from his childhood, which on the surface should have been fine.

There are also “ACES” - adverse childhood experiences.

I am a mental health therapist so have quite a fair bit of training in this area x

Lots of experiences can have a negative effect, two people can have the same experience and one not be bothered at all and the other deeply impacted. I see it in my own kids, one does something wrong and gets a telling off - they bounce back immediately and move on to the next thing. The other does something wrong and gets a telling off, and feels absolutely wretched. Different personalities, different ways of processing and in need of different ways of parenting.

I think consistency, flexibility in parenting styles and really wanting to know and love your kids goes a long way, but there will always be something your child feels unhappy about. The trick is helping them find ways to deal with their emotions in ways that are healthy, to always seek to fix the relationship and keep good lines of communication.