To think that we can’t bring children up without traumatising them?

[YourRubyHiker]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to raise children without leaving some kind of emotional mark on them — even when we’re trying our absolute best. And I have been trying my best and miserably failing.

We all have moments when we shout, say no to things that feel important to them, or get too caught up in our own thoughts to really listen, maybe compare them unknowingly or uphold them to an unrealistic standard. Even small things can stick with children in ways we don’t realise.

It makes me wonder… are we meant to aim for “no trauma” at all, or is that unrealistic? Maybe part of being human is that everyone gets shaped (and sometimes strengthened) by the rough edges of their experiences?

Someone once said we’re built by our trauma and if you took all of it away, we might not even be the same people. I find that idea both comforting and a bit sad at the same time.

What do you think? Is it possible to bring up children without causing any trauma? I desperately wish my children stick around when they grow up but sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is really enough.

Trauma is the unhealed wound, not the mistake you made. We all make mistakes as parents. I certainly have. My parents did.

What has caused damage has been not working to repair the wound. The key bit is the repair. It’s having accountability for your behaviour as a parent. Acknowledging what you got wrong. Working to make it better. And not blaming everyone around you for what you got wrong.

It’s our life experiences that shape us, the good and bad. Trauma is just the unhealed wounds. You can have bad experiences without being left with the wounds. You can also work to heal them yourself.

Chapeau!

It’s not necessarily the trauma that causes long term issues, it’s the processing and it’s the way it is handled. For example, the loss of a loved one. We should teach children how to feel their emotions not just how to handle them.

I think referring to the small mistakes, with the best of intentions, that parents make causing trauma is not appropriate and minimises the real trauma that some children experience.

Having said that, of COURSE all parents make mistakes and yes, those can have lasting impacts. I don't think it's the end of the world though and can be managed by taking responsibility, doing your best not to adapt and accomodate to your child's needs etc. I have a friend who believes that young adults should seek some therapy in their 20s to deal with unresolved issues from childhood. I think she's right. I had some through work and it was really helpful.

It's a valuable lesson through. Life can be pretty awful at times. It isn't all sunshine and roses, nor is it fair. You do your kids a disservice not teaching them this. Knowing how to deal with the awfulness is a key skill. Resilience in the face of adversity.

To call a normal upbringing trauma is ridiculous-and diminishes the real trauma suffered by people in war, famine, abuse or worse.

I think we've got ourselves muddled because we're so quick to validate experiences of trauma that we end up saying things are objectively traumatic, when in fact the context is more important.

My DCs were upset at seeing their grandad dying in a fairly horrible way, but not traumatised, as they felt loved, could see that sadness was okay and normal and felt supported in navigating the experience.

A child with no support system, who felt shock at changes in someone they loved and couldn't talk through their experience or see it reflected in people around them, it absolutely would have been traumatic.

It's that background that separates trauma from life experience, not the experiences themselves.

We’re still looking for a word that isn’t trauma but it describes life long impacts of childhood 😂😭 no one has suggested one so what are we supposed to use?

Definitely wasn't, it was informed by my narcissistic witch of a MIL and ex-Fi who destroyed all my self confidence.

It’s not trauma
it’s…
the events that shaped you
that helped you understand you are not the centre of the universe
thats showed you other poeple have feelings
that made you sad and helped you grow
that made you robust and ready for life

edit to add perhaps we are the first generation to worry about normal growing up and wanting to give it name ?

That statement alone didn’t cause bulimia. Eating disorders are far far more complex than a response to one throwaway comment.

To answer your question: there will always be friction between children and parents. What you are describing is this. Trauma is several leagues of magnitude different from a few arguments, saying no and an occasional slammed door.

You cant and shouldn’t seek to shield children from all forms of disagreement and discomfort. All you can do is support them in building emotional robustness to cope with things that go wrong. All parents make mistakes but a child who feels loved and heard will forgive those mistakes. That doesn’t mean a parent has carte blanche to railroad through a child’s emotions but it doesn’t help anyone if you try to create an entirely frictionless relationship.

Part of adulthood is being able to recognise that your parents made mistakes when bringing you up, some of which may have led you into unhealthy or suboptimal patterns of thought, that you need to unlearn for yourself. Few of these mistakes will be objectively traumatic. Some may even continue to be upsetting into adulthood without being traumatic. I know some of my own distorted feelings about my self-value being linked to my work and achievements therein are connected to the ways my DM talked about work, money, social class, which were linked to her own childhood experiences (which did involve forms of abuse and might have been genuinely traumatizing).

There are obviously some unfortunate people who experience genuinely traumatic childhoods: sustained neglect, physical and emotional abuse, and homes that are chaotic to the point of being frightening. But an adult who is mostly consistent in their responses, available, and loving will not traumatise a child by sometimes losing their temper and shouting.

Personally, I think it's much healthier to have this realisation about the ways that parents messed you up a bit, than to go through life believing your parents did a 100% perfect job and you are an absolutely balanced human being. I think never coming to see your parents as fallible people who made mistakes doesn't set you up for a healthy relationship with them as adults, or for healthy expectations for your relations with others (who are also fallible people who will make mistakes).

Like PP, I don't think the odd bit of shouting is an issue. When it comes down to it, my ds knows I will always act in his interests, that I always have his back and if something is important to him, I'll move heaven and earth to find a way.

On the other hand, ds knows I'm a single mum, my finances aren't limitless and by the time I've paid university fees, my finances might be a bit threadbare.

I don't bad mouth his dad, and DS & I work well as a team.

I can't show him a healthy marriage because I've never met a suitable man. That would be my only regret over his childhood but I can't magic up Mr Right, so I do the best I can.

In the end that's all any of us can do.

I think this needs repeating.
My trauma came about because of the impact of what was said to me.

Taking your example of grief. After losing a beloved GP my dad told me not to cry in front of my mum because it would upset her more and she couldn't handle it.
So I learned to conceal my grief, didn't get to express it and ended up going off the rails as a result aged 13 which lead me to experience trauma throughout my teens and early adulthood. I still can't really cry.

There was something else my mum said to me about causing her nothing but worry so I vowed to never cause her worry again and have never confided in her about any of my traumatic experiences or worries to this day. Our relationship is pretty superficial.

Of course it wasn't just those 2 sentences but they did have a huge impact on my life. I remember them word for word, where we were when the conversations took place and the feeling I had at that moment.
However I was (several decades later) diagnosed with ASD so obviously I took things literally. Another teenager might have turned round and said 'so, you're a parent, it's your job to worry ', and thought no more of it.
So it's a bit more nuanced but I share your worry OP. I only hope I've never said anything that would cause mine any harm. We have a very different relationship to the one I had with my parents as teen so here's hoping.

Of course it’s possible to be brought up without trauma. My parents shouted occasionally, I am not traumatised by it. I grew up knowing I was safe and loved. Occasionally shouting or “saying no to things” didn’t undo that or cause me trauma.

I can very much relate to this.

it’s not about trauma, it’s about life long impacts. So say you chose a career that’s boring and miserable because it’s “safe” or otherwise fits the view you have been presented of yourself? That impacts your whole life. Say you pick a partner based on the safety , or excitement, or opportunity to care that they offer you. But maybe you’re not really that happy with them.

these aren’t the kind of traumas people are talking about when they say “you’ll be fine if you have a loving family” because loving family is irrelevant to these. But they are important.

and people who say all you need to do is teach resilience - how? What does that even mean? What if you’re not a resilient person in the first place?

Wisdom? Experience?

Hmm I don’t think so.
It doesn’t fit wisdom at all. Experience is a neutral word. We’re talking about less than positive life long impacts from childhood experiences or upbringings.

Resilience is saying “that was the wrong choice for me, could have been better , ah well live and learn “

and then seeing if you should carry on or change something

ita about living forward not backwards
its about accepting that life can’t be perfect for anyone
it’s about avoiding blame and acknowledging that even if your parents strongly influenced your choices, they were still your choices
it’s picking yourself up and starting again
recognition that you have one life and all you can do is your best at that point in time

to teach it?
Don’t be scared to say no
dont be scared to let a child fail

I would distinguish between "cause" and "trigger" here. This statement may well have triggered the bulimia, but I would argue that the underlying causes were much more complex and likely to have been triggered at some point by some other minor event if it hadn't been this one.

Incidentally, I was raised without trauma by flawed but loving parents, and I hope and believe that my children (now aged 16 to 19) would say the same.

Three year old have trantrums becuase they don't get to do what ever they want is normal developmental behavior - if you don't correct others will later peers, teacher other parents and they'll be a lot less nice about it - or your child will get labeled as an annoyanced and avoided.

So it's not pleasnat but correcting poor behavior clearly calmly as possible is the just what needs to happen and when that isnlt as calm as possible do better next time but don't assume massibe trauma been caused.

Is the OCD in 8 year old properly diagnosed - have those who did that pointed you in direction of support and help?

OCD causes are varried but it sound like you blame yourself rather than it just being a condition that your child has that you have to learn how to manage.

The problem is you parent in the present, you do the best you can in the current situation.
You have zero clue what the future holds, what is common place parenting styles could be viewed as neglectful in 25 years time.
Being too supportive and present might harm their ability to live and think independently, therefore being traumatic.

There is clearly a difference between dc feeling sad sometimes and trauma. I think this argument really undermines the massive impact of developmental trauma, which involves long term neurological and physiological differences.

A dc that has experienced good enough parenting will be able to experience frustrations and move on, to have ruptures within relationships and recover them. A dc with trauma probably won't, and will maybe like their whole life feeling like they are unliveable and the world is a dangerous place.

We all have moments when we shout, say no to things that feel important to them, or get too caught up in our own thoughts to really listen, maybe compare them unknowingly or uphold them to an unrealistic standard. Even small things can stick with children in ways we don’t realise.

Those things aren't actually 'traumatic' though are they?. If you dilute the concept of 'trauma' till it becomes virtually meaningless, then yes, we all 'traumatise' our children. Actual childhood trauma is watching your stepfather beat your mother so badly you think she's going to die. This happened to me and was absolutely traumatising. It really isn't snapping sometimes or being a bit too quick with the word 'no' on occasion. Thinking those things will traumatise your children must make for a very anxious unhappy experience of parenthood.

Do you mean upsetting them occasionally or actually traumatising them? There's a big difference!