To think that we can’t bring children up without traumatising them?

[YourRubyHiker]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to raise children without leaving some kind of emotional mark on them — even when we’re trying our absolute best. And I have been trying my best and miserably failing.

We all have moments when we shout, say no to things that feel important to them, or get too caught up in our own thoughts to really listen, maybe compare them unknowingly or uphold them to an unrealistic standard. Even small things can stick with children in ways we don’t realise.

It makes me wonder… are we meant to aim for “no trauma” at all, or is that unrealistic? Maybe part of being human is that everyone gets shaped (and sometimes strengthened) by the rough edges of their experiences?

Someone once said we’re built by our trauma and if you took all of it away, we might not even be the same people. I find that idea both comforting and a bit sad at the same time.

What do you think? Is it possible to bring up children without causing any trauma? I desperately wish my children stick around when they grow up but sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is really enough.

Stompy, I agree. When I was 8,in 1958 I was in a fire,got a few scars,my late DM was badly injured saving my life.. when I was 12, car df was driving had a burst tyre out of control ,up a bank and overturned
.I would say this was trauma!

As a child what came nearest to traumatising me (a child of the late 60s and early 70s) was things I saw or heard on TV. You have to remember that in those days TV was very different to now - no nudity, swearing, sex or much violence, so parents could be pretty sure kids were OK watching anything - it might be above their heads, but nothing more than that. It must be much more difficult to protect them these days!

I used to watch history documentaries: The Great War and The Lost Peace (never bettered, by the way) and some of the experiences of soldiers I heard on those still haunt me today.

Also things to do with animals. Pets being run over etc, and hearing about bullfighting and other cruel sports. As a child of a humane family I couldn't get my head round what some people did for entertainment.

My family could be a bit quarrelsome, and my mum did shout and we got smacked too. But that didn't traumatise me. I think, to be traumatised, it has to be something which haunts you and comes back - rather like PTSD.

At some point children have to confront the tought reality of the world and thoughtful parents need to do that in stages. You can't hide the news from them for ever, but it takes sensitivity in exposing them to the horrors of the world.

OP I’m glad you started this thread. Especially your sentence “even small things can stick with children in a way we don’t realise”

my mother was emotionally and physically abusive and an alcoholic

but actually the worst thing she didn’t me wasn’t one of the things that was as ‘obviously’ abusive

the thing she did that had the worst effect was harshly coerce me to be ‘friends’ with a girl on holiday and call me selfish cis and thought I didn’t socialise enough. I internalised this and it let to my being bullied and humiliated enormously

I saw a post on LinkedIn about “trauma informed leadership”. Some of the things that apparently cause trauma were:

moving house
birth of a sibling
moving schools
falls & minor injuries
not being picked for a sports team
death of pets

We simply cannot allow normal life experiences to be rebranded as causing trauma like this.

Yes, all parents will do stuff that their kids will look back & wish they hadn’t. That’s life. I’m fully aware that in trying to be the mum that my mum wasn’t, I’m probably failing my girls on other ways that I’m blind to. We’re all only human!

Too many parents genuinely traumatise their children, and we should absolutely help those children/adults who were traumatised.

But if we all become traumatised by normal life then those who are suffering the worst will lose access to the support they need.

I would say be very careful with the words you use to your children and don’t leave them with a false impression - I.e. calling the ‘selfish’ when the behaviour isn’t typically what people realistically think of as selfish

I think we'd need to define trauma, even accounting for the fact that there will of course be varying degrees.

I feel like growing up without any adversity whatsoever would possibly make it harder to empathise with the suffering of others and might hinder individuals in building resilience. And then there's also the fact that people have different thresholds and reactions to things.

No it didn't. Eating disorders are very complex and have a range of environmental and genetic causes. It might have been something which triggered it but it didn't cause bulimia.

You're using the word "trauma" all wrong.

Something that bothered or upset you and you remember isn't "trauma", it's a normal part of growing up with highs and lows and living with other humans who are not perfect or infallible.

Trauma has lost it's true meaning. These days it means to experience some of the unpleasantries of real life or life not specifically tailored to our individual personalities. Both of which are absolutely impossible and, in my opinion, undesirable. The human condition is full of unpleasantness and, as we have to live in a structured society, our individual needs can't always be met. Learning this from an early age is an essential tool for survival. Constant introspection negates empathy for others too.

This in spades. God almighty, why are we placing responsibility for every single aspect of a child’s life going perfectly on their parents? This isn’t possible to achieve.

Normal functioning adults recognise that their parents were flawed human beings (like every other fucker on this planet!) who did their best. I have memories that have stuck with me and shaped me. My parent’s issues have had an impact on me. Some of their choices shaped my future for the better, some for the worse.

They did their best, loved me, and gave me all they could. I have not suffered trauma. It’s a normal upbringing. That’s life.

I think we need to be raising resilient kids, and much of that is about knowing that no one is perfect, no situation is perfect. Sometimes shit happens and you just need to suck it up.

Im not traumatised by my childhood. Nors my husband. I don’t think the majority are.

If you grow up with love, fun and affection, the other stuff isn’t really all that important.

YABVU

1 This statement ALONE apparently caused my mother to have bulimia.

No, it didn't.

2.You need to go away and find out what trauma is if you want to start a thread about it. It is not caused by a parent losing their patience and shouting one day.

An interesting one. I brought up 3 clever polite and kind children. I expected good behaviour but was loving and fun. My son has since been diagnosed as ADHD in his 30’s and has had some problems in his adult years. I worry I was too strict when he was a very active child and restricted his natural spirit. I’ll never know if he would have always struggled as an adult no matter what.

The odd bit of shouting does not cause trauma, especially if you repair it afterwards by apologising. It’s okay for them to see normal human emotion. I worry about this too in loads of ways, like the balance of wanting them to eat the healthy dinner I’ve made vs not causing issues around food. It’s hard, but you’re probably doing fine!

I think there’s a difference between upsetting your child and traumatising them. Can you raise a child without upsetting them? It seems unlikely. Can you raise a child without traumatising them? I think so. Can you raise a child without them being traumatised by something which may be outside of your control? That’s less likely as there are too many variables outside the home to have control over.

What I do think though is that trauma is subjective. We have ideas that trauma is objective but not everyone experiences the same event in the same way. It’s possible for different people to be traumatised by the same event and have very different reactions. It’s possible for different people to have the same (I’m talking externally at least) experience and for one person to be traumatised and the other person not to be.

Consider children on the autistic spectrum, for instance. They can be undisturbed by events which would be traumatic for most children but genuinely feel traumatised by events or occurrences that wouldn’t bother most others.

I suspect though that underneath your question about trauma is whether there is any such thing as a perfect parent? There isn’t. Whether we like to admit it or not, there are times we are sub-optimal and regress, not responding appropriately to circumstances due to illness, stress, sleep deprivation, grief or other factors.

I think standards for parenthood have improved over time which is generally positive. I do have concerns though that the bar is being set too high, with standards becoming unrealistic which set parents up to fail and condemn themselves. Some parents won’t even say no to their children because they’re afraid of upsetting them. Many parents judge themselves not by their own moral codes but by what their peers are doing.

What counts as an ACE?

Its Philip larkin's poem, isn't it? "They f you up, your mum and dad, though they don't mean to"

It is very hard to avoid the type of experiences that can be traumatising, for example the death of a loved one. Just because it’s not in anyone’s control to do that.

But what turns a potentially traumatising experience into actual trauma is being alone with it, having no-one to turn to for comfort, support and guidance.

Apparently meeting your kids emotional needs roughly a third of the time is enough to give them a secure attachment style. So that coupled with no abusive behaviour or neglect should mean they grow up ok.

Also being the type of parent who generally meets their kids emotional needs and who does!’t abuse or neglect them, coupled with just a bit of emotional openness and intelligence, sounds to be me like being the type of parent who a child should feel able to turn to in a time of need. That’s also the type of parent who gives their child some education on how to understand and handle their own emotions on smaller things, so when potentially traumatic things do occur, the child already has some capacity to handle and navigate the situation, it’s isn’t wholly new territory.

So, it’s impossible to shield anyone from potentially traumatising experiences. But it is possible to avoid those experiences turning into trauma within a background of consistent, loving support and guidance

It's very difficult being a parent. I do my best, but I've said and done things that I later regret - fairly trivial things really, but then I remember some trivial things my parents said and did, so doubtless my kids will remember (and criticise) my failings. I wouldn't call any of this "traumatising" though, it's just life, and you have to make of it what you will.

I wouldn't refer to any of that as trauma op that is just life and they will probably face worse as adults. It is doing children a disservice to never shout or say no. My parents gave me trauma as a child, not terrible but more than being told no and I am still about in their old age.

I think normal experiences and imperfect parenting aren't traumatising in themselves, but they can be if the child's perspective on things that happen is never acknowledged because you're wrapped up in your own feelings about it or you can't handle their anger or sadness, or if you never apologise when you lose your cool. Normal everyday imperfections are absolutely essential in teaching them how to manage relationships with other people, which is not to say it's fine to shout at kids, but it's what happens afterwards that's important imo.

Interesting thread, and something I wonder about a LOT, and also discuss pretty frequently with friends. I do ask my kids (D17, S14) - tongue in cheek - if they think I've traumatised them and if they'll end up in therapy. They tell me not to be ridiculous 🤣 On a serious note, I have explored this myself in therapy and so much of my mum's behaviour when I was a kid, has shaped my adult life. I wouldn't say I'm traumatised but even seemingly small things do have an impact. I don't think they're avoidable though. My husband's approach is 'well that'll be their problem when they grow up' 🤷🏽‍♀️😅

Absolutely!

Trauma isn't caused by being exposed to "bad things", trauma is caused by the absence of any coping mechanism to help deal with bad things.

Teach them how to deal with stuff.

Look up Winnicott's 'good enough' parenting. Perfect parenting is impossible and actually wouldn't be a good thing- If you were completely perfect at all times the outside world would be intolerable to them.

That’s correct, and it’s how it should be. If out children had to navigate nothing at all, they would be very traumatised in adulthood by all-life relationships and unable to cope with other people being irrational, unfair and otherwise human.