AIBU to not give my DC extra money

[2AtUni]

I have two DC at uni (one 1st yr, one final yr), they’re both looking for more financial support

I think they’re unreasonable, they think there’s a CoL crisis and i am. I said I’d poll MN and see what the majority think.

they currently get £400 pcm. Rent & phone are paid for. Travel home is paid for. They get a big shop at beginning of term.

Does rent include bills?

If they work for someone like Wetherspoons they can work between uni and where you live.
It does seem like you are looking for excuses for them not working. If you’re more concerned with holidays and having a good time then give them the money.

But they aren't living on this - it sounds like it is just for food and any extras. Even with CoL, £100pw is decent for a single person and far from scrimping and saving.

If you can routinely give your kids more than that, maybe you should be paying more tax or donating it to charity instead.

Well, it depends on whether you want them to come and spend time with family at Christmas and Easter and so on or whether you want them to work.

my DS was in halls for first year only and then in a shared house, he came to see me for a few days at new year but worked Christmas.

my DD didn’t work going through uni as she’s disabled and the course itself was quite a lot but she spent Christmas with her new girlfriend. (Technically she didn’f as they are Jewish but she spent the holidays with them).

How far away is uni from home? Mine had retail jobs working Xmas eve and boxing day - we drove to them after work on the 24th picked them up and drove them home (3 hour round trip). We had Christmas lunch and presents then drove them back to uni in the evening. One year they managed to get boxing day off (we took them back as there werent any trains) and one year finished early on the 24th and were on the later shift on the 26th so we just picked them up at different times.

I've spent the last 4 Christmas days travelling to see an elderly parent (no traffic it's fab), cooking them lunch and driving back (8 hour round trip). The 'family' Christmas is on another day when everyone is free - this year we're having Christmas on December 28th and I'll be doing my visit to my parent on the 25th.

To be able to give my kids more than this, I think it’s fair to assume I pay an insane amount of tax.

However, as we aren’t in a communist country, it’s perfectly acceptable to have money and not have to disperse it to causes as dictated by people in my phone - thankfully!

They need more money, you can afford it. Just give it to them. I don't see why you wouldn't.

It's easy to say get a job. Plenty of degrees are really full on - my DS has just worked 8 hours both days this weekend on uni work. He works a casual job so not much money, but any more than casual would be out of the question.

Tell them to get off their arses and get a fucking job!!! Stop the £400 a month too!! They need to learn how to actually live and they can’t do they while they are being babied

Aren’t there other jobs that aren’t so seasonal? I did sports coaching and waitressing when I was at uni. When I registered with the waitress agency it was just a case then of going online and picking shifts whenever I fancied. The sports coaching was term time - I know my kids school has term time sports coaches because I was talking to the young man that does it, and he was telling me about how it fits with his studies. It can also pay quite well.
I mean I agree with you, I would want my kids home for Christmas, but I find it incredible that even in the current climate there aren’t student jobs that don’t require a person to work over Christmas and New Year if they don’t want to.

You live overseas, that makes working more tricky, unless they worked a casual retail job maybe or a job within the university? There are plenty of jobs to be had.

My example of DS working over Christmas, was not to suggest that yours should be alone in halls over Christmas, but to make the point that there are many who work the Christmas period in the adult world ( even though their families would probably like to see them).

Anyway, it might be an idea to sit down and put a budget together, to see where things are going wrong financially, before you part with more cash?

I mean it’s not just the money is it - I still have my thank you cards from kids I taught and I got presented to the Queen in my student jobs, so as long as it fits in with the course (not medicine or something wild, don’t think you mentioned what they are doing) it can be such a nice chance to just do a ‘job’ that won’t be your career, no pressure really especially as they have the family security that you are fortunate to provide, and it can be interesting and they can do something out of curiosity or to try it out. Later in life there will be more bills.

I do think it depends where your child lives at Uni. My daughter went to Leeds and lived in Headingly. On my first visit I was walking along to her shared house and a man was in his front garden in his underwear practising moves with his very large sword. I didn't want my daughter walking alone at night in this area, taxis had a minimum fare which would have eaten up her earnings, so I paid her rent.

But they don’t even have jobs yet let alone a rota that has them working Xmas eve or Xmas day so you’re inventing a problem that doesn’t yet exist and may never exist. They may find jobs in a library or bike shop or museum or swimming pool/leisure centre/gym that doesn’t have full opening hours over Xmas. Or a call centre doing work from home in the evening or as virtual assistants working remotely .

Wouldn’t the starting point be to set the expectation that they look for and try to obtain work to supplement their income?

😂😂😂😂

Has the eldest asked for an increase during previous years? I see one has just started, maybe has got a bit carried away during Freshers and is getting a bit of sibling solidarity rather than ‘fessing up? You’ve said both have reasonable savings, so if it is a bit of Freshers overspend that DC maybe needs to dip into their savings and learn from the experience. Or you can just up the £ support. Your call, you know your DCs, none of us do.

My kids say none of fheir friends have termtime jobs. It is pretty impossible with most STEM Because of the workload and because timetables change week to week and ckasses can start at 8am and finish as late as 8pm

We gave our children £400 per month at Uni and they topped up their money working during holidays when at home ie catering ,bars ,retail etc . One son transferred his job at our local Office (shoe shop) to his uni town during term time and worked Saturdays.

DD did have a job in her first year and that was the actual problem that arose - she ended up quitting and felt awful for the friends that she’d made in the job who then had to pick up the slack.

in answer to some of other Qs:

@laura246810 rent includes bills for youngest not eldest.

@SleepingisanArt home is a different country - it’s a day traveling and certainly we couldn’t drive to pick them up.

@boys3 the eldest hasnt previously asked for a top up

@FinallyHere a budget is a good idea - I realise no one really knows but I was hoping for more comments about how much other DCs lived on rather than accusations of laziness and me being an awful parent 🤣

on that note I started this thread interested in what other parents were doing and whether I was out of touch, but honestly some of the absurd feedback makes me want to just sign them up to my credit card and let them spend as they wish!

as for what they’re spending the money on certainly plenty of going out but they both like good food and find the typical carb heavy student diet a struggle.

My dad gave me £400 a month 20 years ago when I imagine it went a lot further than it does now. I have managed to build myself a successful, very well paid career despite, as some would say, being ruinously spoiled while at university.

I’ve made it quite clear that because we live overseas a job that spans the Christmas period means they would not be able to travel home. Given they can’t travel the clear alternative is that they’d be in halls.

Actually @2AtUni what you said - and not in the OP either, but in a later one - was
They’re not entitled to a loan as they haven’t been living UK - this also makes working during the year tricky as they can’t get back and forth home easily.

That statement wasn't at all clear. I assumed that you were now living in the UK but they didn't qualify for a loan because they hadn't lived here long enough to get a loan. I also thought you meant that if they worked while at Uni they wouldn't then be able to come home ( in the uk) as often.

It's a pity that information wasn't included in your OP, as you might have got a less hard time on here. Having said that, it still ought to be possible for them to get PT jobs which wouldn't necessarily mean they would have to work over the Christmas Period - or if they do, they just quit having given notice. Or just ask their employer at the time?

Wow that’s mad you give them £400 a month, pay their phone and pay their rent and travel and they still want more?!? And won’t work in term time? I’d be horrified if my DC were this entitled and ungrateful.

Food is what sprung to my mind immediately. My daughter wouldn’t know what to do with food like pot noodles etc - she’s used to steak and chicken with veg etc every day (her choice), she isn’t a fan of pizzas, or anything particularly carby. She’s always favoured protein, even when she was tiny. She wouldn’t be able to live on £50 a week for food (assuming the other £50 is for socialising). Eating bulky, stodgy meals to fill you up cheaply (and before anyone jumps on me, I’ve had to do this! I was a young single mum) is not something she’s ever had to do and she wouldn’t manage it. I couldn’t justify forcing her on some kind of principle when I can afford her not to have to.

And FWIW, I wouldn’t be encouraging a job that took her Christmases away from her either. In fact, I’d be strongly discouraging it.

Everyone sees things differently, but for me and my husband, we see it as we slogged our guts out to give the children everything we have, and we are so happy to have done that. I don’t want them to have to learn to struggle when they actually will never need to in their lives. I’d rather she was out drinking nice cocktails rather than necking Snakebite to get drunk as cheaply as possible (again, been there, done that!). My kids don’t need to, so I don’t intend to force it on them.

I do, however, believe work ethic is really important and at the first sign of there being a lack of that, I’d be considerably less generous!

@Nina1013 thanks for the balanced perspective.

DD spent a year in the US on a dining plan and was genuinely unwell because of the food.

I expect them to have to make some compromises around meals but not to have to resort to pot noodles and sliced white every night.

Yes I agree… if I can afford to give mine more money to enable them to have a better diet then I will do so (they’re not university age yet). Diet is hugely important and 2 of mine play sports at a high level so even more so.