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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Etiquette for birthday drinks

53 replies

Hiyahello111 · 05/10/2025 08:40

Hi
I wonder if I could have some advice.
Soon I'm celebrating a big birthday. Ive got a space in a pub and about 25 friends coming to have drinks.
I was happy for it to just be super casual, with people buying their own drinks and food from the bar. Then I attended my friends party last week and all food and drink way laid on (all night!)
I wasn't expecting that at all, but then it made me wonder (and panic) about my drinks...are people expecting that? Am I the one who had it wrong?
Thanks for any help you can give!

OP posts:

2dogsandabudgie · 05/10/2025 08:45

It depends on what you told friends when inviting them. Did you make it clear that it was buying own drinks and food? I have been to both types of celebrations, one where food and drinks were laid on and the other where everyone bought their own at the bar. Both were great evenings.

Teacaketravesty · 05/10/2025 08:47

Do what you can afford. I usually do drinks at home but I’m planning similar to yours for my next one, a ‘big’ one, and will put money behind the bar for each friend’s first drink & they can buy their own after that, and I’ll get bowls of chips and other sharing/snacky food and people can order more substantially if they want to. It’s lovely when someone hosts very generously and pays everything but it isn’t something most of my circle ever do because we’re not that flush. We’re still allowed to celebrate our birthdays!

ExtraOnions · 05/10/2025 08:49

If you have said “come to my party” I would expect food (and possibly a drink)

If you have said “do you want to meet for a drink” I would expect neither

JDM625 · 05/10/2025 08:49

I think it depends on the formality of the invites, are you expecting gifts, did you say in lieu of gifts please buy your own food and drinks etc?

Overthebow · 05/10/2025 08:51

If you’ve invited them to your birthday party in a private area of a pub then you need to provide the drinks and food. If you invited them more casually, as in you’re going to the pub on this date, you’re welcome to join, then it’s fine to assume they’ll buy their own drinks and food.

Nodancingshoes · 05/10/2025 08:52

I would never expect drinks to be laid on - always buy our own at the bar. Food - maybe would expect a buffet

SparklyCardigan · 05/10/2025 08:52

Are you having a cake? I'm going to a similar sounding birthday party soon and I don't mind buying my own drinks but I was wondering if there would be cake. But the usual birthday parties I attend are for 7 year olds so maybe that's influencing my expectations!

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 05/10/2025 08:53

I would put something on if I was inviting people to celebrate a big birthday with me. Nibbles, a welcome drink, anything really.

holachicatita · 05/10/2025 08:54

Maybe you could get the pub to lay out some food? And a bottle or two of something fizzy? I would never expect all drinks to be paid for but I might wonder if you were going to feed us!

fruitbrewhaha · 05/10/2025 08:54

I’d expect some buffet food and drink on arrival but not necessarily all night.

Whoevenarethey · 05/10/2025 08:57

I would initially assume it was a buy your own drinks event, however having been to a recent big birthday party where they paid for a drink on arrival and then food appeared I took would now also wonder if that's what people would expect. Although I also got invited to a meal for someone's big birthday where that was more obvious it would be buy your own food.

How did you word it? Is there a group chat where you can perhaps send a bit of a 'reminder' and then set the expectations. With such a large group did the venue not want pre orders for food anyway?
When I went for a recent meal with 20+ the venue wanted us to order in advance because it was such a large group.

CancelTheTableAlan · 05/10/2025 08:57

Yeah I guess I'd expect some kind of 'offer' from the host, as i would probably bring s present and assume it was a party if I'd been invited to.someone's birthday. Otherwise the host has gone to no effort - meet at a pub is nothing really. I think some money behind the bar for first drink and a few bowls of crisps would do tho.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 05/10/2025 09:00

I would expect there to be wine and beers at first, and food to come out later on. Then people buy their own rounds after a few welcome drinks.

WinterOnItsWayOut · 05/10/2025 09:05

I did fizz on arrival (few glasses each) and then (lots of) pizzas/chips and music

GAJLY · 05/10/2025 09:06

I would expect buffet food but not drinks.

ishimbob · 05/10/2025 09:07

I think this really depends on your circle of friends and your age as well.

I would ask one of your close friends who you can trust to be honest

I think offering nothing at all is a bit cheap after the age of 40 - but it does depend a bit on how you phrased the invitation

Coconutter24 · 05/10/2025 09:10

It would depend what you said in the invite? I would assume if going to a pub for a party I’d buy my own drinks, if it’s a hired out private space then I’d think there would probably be a buffet for everyone provided by the host

deeahgwitch · 05/10/2025 09:10

I would expect food and drinks to be laid on if I were invited to a party.
I’m Irish though and we do things a bit differently when it comes to hospitality - certainly with regard to weddings and funerals etc

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 05/10/2025 09:11

"Hi - come to my party to celebrate" - probably expect food

"Hi, it's my birthday on the 6th, fancy meeting at the pub for a few drinks?" - not expecting food

I never expect the birthday girl/boy to provide my drinks though!

And I also don't judge "worthiness" of a gift based on what they've provided. That's very transactional

JDM625 · 05/10/2025 09:13

I recently attended a 60th at a pub. They'd reserved a large section at the back. 1st drink was paid for then they provided a buffet.

Whatever you do, make it clear on the invites! We went to a friends 'party' a few years ago. It was only on arrival that we found out that nothing at all was provided. 1 friend hadn't bought any money or cards.

Original poster

Hiyahello111 · 05/10/2025 09:13

Thank you all ! So helpful!
Will get a cake, some balloons and lay on a few bottles of fizz and a few bottles of beer and a few nibbles
Appreciate the help !

OP posts:

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 05/10/2025 09:14

JDM625 · 05/10/2025 09:13

I recently attended a 60th at a pub. They'd reserved a large section at the back. 1st drink was paid for then they provided a buffet.

That's cheap of the friend who didn't bring any money!

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 05/10/2025 09:18

If you pitched it as a party I might expect there to be some food but I would anticipate buying my own drinks.

If you just said you were going out for drinks then I’d expect to buy my own food and drinks.

JDM625 · 05/10/2025 09:20

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 05/10/2025 09:14

That's cheap of the friend who didn't bring any money!

Show quote history

I know! She was a new person in the group, so I could only assume her previous friends did things differently.

TBF, I grew up abroad and weddings there provide all food and drinks. My first UK wedding, they provided only 1 drink so we had to return to our hotel room to get cards. We were staying onsite anyways, but it was just something I'd never come across before.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 05/10/2025 09:21

JDM625 · 05/10/2025 09:13

I recently attended a 60th at a pub. They'd reserved a large section at the back. 1st drink was paid for then they provided a buffet.

I can’t believe someone turned up with no money or cards. That’s outrageous.

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