Ex wanting me to 50% drop offs

[Nonameagain31]

My ex left at the start of the summer. in a tale as old as time, after DD arrived he did hardly any housework, didn’t do nursery drop off (hands on with DD for bed time and fun stuff).

He initially wanted 50:50 as long as he could pick up and drop off when convenient for him… He asked for 3 overnights a week from sept, which we moved to, I think 2 would be better and as he has flexible working he could pick DD up earlier, return her later so she’d actually get more quality time with her. He was staying with his mum and is now in his own place and as expected is struggling. He has now asked me to meet him at his work two mornings a week. This would be peak rush hour traffic - an hours minimum round trip. I have two secondary age kids to get out the door (both ND so need extra support) and I provide the ‘child care’ for DD on these days

For context ex pays £157, no extras (has two other kids). Nursery fees on free hours are £50a month and full day nursery is £70. I am self employed and have been fitting my work in, in 3 days plus eves and weekends.

I don’t want to, but am willing to share weekend pick up and drop offs (currently we split weekends). I provide way more than 50% care (did 75% of summer holidays and two days a week term time) So think it’s a bloody cheek he wants me to do 50% of journeys on top of this…

Looking for some emotionally detached opinions please on if I am being unreasonable to not want to drive across town to collect DD at 8:30 to accommodate ex work!

For context my older kids see their dad plenty, we split all costs and they have a lot of autonomy to come and go as suits them. There ‘contact’ schedule has evolved plenty over the years in line with their needs so it’s not a case of not valuing the role of dad.

Sorry OP but your post is a bit confusing! Why do you have to collect DD from ex at work at 8.30 in the morning? If it's his time to have her, he needs to drop her at nursery before work, doesn't he? Or if he can't do handover in the morning, can he drop her to you the night before?

Is DD in nursery?

If ex has Wednesday Thursday Friday for example he should be responsible for those days. You can work those days, he can choose to work or pay childcare I'm not sure why you are collecting at 8.30 to allow him to work?

I would arrange collection from nursery and drop off at nursery so you don't have any contact.

Sorry, I don’t really understand your schedule with your ex so it’s hard to know if you’re being unreasonable.

Just say no, he can either put her in nursery at his expense or drop her at yours himself in the morning or the night before

Apologies so DD stays at ex Tues and Thurs and one overnight at weekend. He picks up from nursery. She is in nursery Mon/ Tues/ Thurs. she comes home at 8 am so he can go to work. I like spending 2 days mid week with DD and work my self employment around this including at weekend and the odd evening.

he now wants me to meet him at his work at 8:30. So he doesn’t have to do the drop off. I don’t think this is reasonable but wanted to gather a few other thoughts…

he doesn’t pay for anything other that stat. Child maintenance

Can you describe the 50:50 split and which days your DD goes to nursery etc? It's a bit confusing in your OP.

Yeah no way!
He just has to wake up earlier if he's late to work.

Just say no!
If he has had her it’s up to him to then drop her off.
Bloody entitled man, expecting you to run round to fulfill HIS needs.

I think you just say I’d do 50% of the travel if we had a 50/50 split so we could both work etc but it still falls substantially on me. Parents get their children out the door in the morning to where they need to go, if you can’t get her here then that means she needs to be at mine overnight , not that I need to drive an hour in peak traffic to accomodate your job.

Say no.

Sorry, can’t make head nor tail of this arrangement. Think you need to lay out the current routine more clearly.

Absolutely not. As an adult, he needs to manage his time better. Cheeky sod.

I’m being really thick here. I don’t get it. If she stays at her dad’s on Tuesday and Thursday nights but isn’t in nursery on Wednesday and Friday do you mean he wants you to collect her from his to go back to yours? Sorry, when you say drop off you mean drop off at you rather than nursery?

That doesn't work for me, I need to get two other kids ready for school and it's an hour round trip. Shall we try another arrangement? Then leave it at that.

Just say no.

And he should be paying for nursery on the days he has her (or, if he has her 40% of the week he should pay for 40% of nursery)

Why doesn’t he want to do drop off?

So is this right…. DD schedule is
monday mum drops off / picks up Nursery
Tuesday mum drops off nursery / dad picks up
Wednesday dad drops her off with mum - non Nursery day
Thursday mum drops off at nursery / dad picks up
Friday dad drops off at mum - non Nursery day

so your ex resents having to drop DD at yours because it isn’t nursery? So thinks he can get you to run about for him?

Wouldn’t you would be better to align dad and nursery ? Ideally he picks up and also does at least one drops off - eg he has a Monday night as well as a Tuesday OR Thursday

Does he have her from evening to first thing in the morning on his nights? That’s not a real overnight and purely for CMS reasons, surely?

So instead of dropping her home on his way to work on a Wednesday and Friday he wants to just head to work and you be there to take your daughter?

If so, no, he gets up earlier and gets to your house before work. Cheeky fucker.

Absolutely no way.

rather than be frustrated that he’s struggling, he should try and reflect on that. If you split, go 50/50 and one party struggles and one doesn’t, that is a very clear indication of which party wasn’t pulling their weight in the relationship. Him. As per.

It woyld be a no from me, and I woyld be very very clear.

my ex tried this with me, he was due to have them on a Tuesday night, first Tuesday came and he said ‘so I’ll pick them up from yours on my way home from work at 6pm’
’absokutely not sunshine, school finishes at 3.20’ . I didn’t budge at all.

He needs to have her Monday night so he does a nursery pick up and a Tuesday nursery drop off. For the Thursday you drop her off to him and he drops her off at yours Friday as you have a school run to do.

And get the CM adjusted to reflect the real split.

Just to clarify ex pays you maintence for the 1 night difference? Do you get the child benefit and any UC/tax credits?
If you're getting all the above and your wage and he's only getting his wage - part of which goes straight to you I can understand why he's struggling although it doesn't mean he gets his own way and you have to run round after him.
Wouldn't it be easier for DD to have block's of time with each of you rather than odd days.

@Nonameagain31 honestly, this is a non issue. A hard no. If he can't get DD home to you in time to get to work he needs a different arrangement (e.g. as you've already suggested). I'm guessing he doesn't want to drop to 2 nights in case he then becomes liable for more CM.
Crystal clear. It's not 50/50, what you do already is more than fair.

I’m not finding your posts that clear but I think you need to just say no - he either takes her to nursery/your house as he has been doing, or he doesn’t have her for the night because clearly the arrangement doesn’t work if he can’t get her where she needs to be the next morning. You’re not a skivvy to go chasing after him because he can’t make proper arrangements for his daughter. He either needs to do what is required or not have her.

I'm not following either but I'm assuming @mummymissessunshine has got it right. You also mention weekends, sounds like he does the lifts at the moment but not sure on timings.

If he wants DD 2 weekday nights and is finding transfers challenging, then could the schedule change so her 2 nights with him run together, which would halve the transfers? He could have her Mon Tue night and drop her into you Wed morning which is just one transfer a week for him. Or look at changing nursery days if need be.

I would be inclined to say no you can't do the hour's trek plus older DCs' school run. Not you won't, but you can't. So let's look together at what other levers we have.