Ex wanting me to 50% drop offs

[Nonameagain31]

My ex left at the start of the summer. in a tale as old as time, after DD arrived he did hardly any housework, didn’t do nursery drop off (hands on with DD for bed time and fun stuff).

He initially wanted 50:50 as long as he could pick up and drop off when convenient for him… He asked for 3 overnights a week from sept, which we moved to, I think 2 would be better and as he has flexible working he could pick DD up earlier, return her later so she’d actually get more quality time with her. He was staying with his mum and is now in his own place and as expected is struggling. He has now asked me to meet him at his work two mornings a week. This would be peak rush hour traffic - an hours minimum round trip. I have two secondary age kids to get out the door (both ND so need extra support) and I provide the ‘child care’ for DD on these days

For context ex pays £157, no extras (has two other kids). Nursery fees on free hours are £50a month and full day nursery is £70. I am self employed and have been fitting my work in, in 3 days plus eves and weekends.

I don’t want to, but am willing to share weekend pick up and drop offs (currently we split weekends). I provide way more than 50% care (did 75% of summer holidays and two days a week term time) So think it’s a bloody cheek he wants me to do 50% of journeys on top of this…

Looking for some emotionally detached opinions please on if I am being unreasonable to not want to drive across town to collect DD at 8:30 to accommodate ex work!

For context my older kids see their dad plenty, we split all costs and they have a lot of autonomy to come and go as suits them. There ‘contact’ schedule has evolved plenty over the years in line with their needs so it’s not a case of not valuing the role of dad.

No

End of

He wants those days, he can sort it. It wont get better long-term if you bend to his wants now.

Sounds a terrible schedule for the child!

hardjy ever staying in sane place two nights in a row . Monday yours, Tuesday his, Wednesday yours, Thursday his, Friday yours then share weekend. Absolutely terrible !

This

If she was in nursery on a Wednesday and Friday as well he'd be taking her there when she's stayed overnight with him, so I see him dropping her back to you as no different. He sounds like a CF though so would probably expect you to pick her up just to take her to nursery..

A pick up or drop off either side of a weekend stay wouldn't bother me so much so I'd probably agree to that.

I thought this. I do 50:50 with my DC but its always in blocks. Your DD is changing hands everyday so never settles.

Absolutely not.
He wants everything to suit him paying as little as possible.
You have two other children to get out.
Do nog give an inch on this.
He won't appreciate it and you will bitterly regret it.
A schedule like that is not in your childs best interests so hold tough.

Firm no from me. Tell him to get up earlier. (And drink more water)

You’re already doing 50% of the drop offs in the week though, surely? There’s two trips to the nursery required on each day (drop off and pick up) and you drop off for him to pick up.

If she went to nursery on your days he’d drop off for you to pick up but you choose not to use childcare on those days and what you do with your days is none of his business.

The weekend isn’t 50/50 but I imagine you make up for that with all the extra trips (GP, play dates, opticians, etc) you do as the primary caregiver.

I had to pay a minimum booking charge of 4 hours plus a taxi there and back.

Childcare is expensive if you don't have a "default" parent to rely on and it's very hard to find babysitters who will do the logistics of parenting for you as a one-off.

It's not reasonable.
At all.

Just say no, he'll have to sort it as it's his child and his responsibility as child's dad, just like you do, in a mild tone.

'I've already said no, you'll need to sort it' Every Single Time he pushes for you to solve his own timing problems.

To be fair - for the non nursery handovers I would expect in a 50/50 custody split that they are shared 50/50? However, he isn't doing a 50/50 custody split and so your home is ending up being her primary home so i understand it is slightly different - anyway - I'd try to find a different solution but i don't think its unreasonable that occasionally the transfer between you two is done by you and not by him.

However, it sounds like this crazy schedule is designed to suit his needs (it would seem much simpler and better for the child for his days to be together). If so - then I think you point out all the shuttling back and forward is for him and if he can't do it then you are happy to move to a scenario where he has 3 days in a row.

Forget the ex. What’s best for your child?

He is absolutely taking the piss. Overnight means he is responsible for her for 24 hours. That’s all the meals and all the costs associated with those 24 hours. Not just picking her up from nursery & doing bedtime and bringing her back to you for breakfast!

put your foot down op. He can choose, he either actually has her half the time, or he pays maintenance accordingly. One or the other.

Surely the sensible thing to do is say that whoever is taking on their ‘time’ with the DC
does the collection. So it always starts with collecting the child. Then, if you’re 50:50, everything works out equally? Am I missing something?

I think you need to change the schedule. If he wants 50:50 then sun morning to Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning (with him being responsible for paying for nursery on his days) would work so much better for you and your child. I think all the going backwards and forwards is going to be really confusing for your child, especially as they get older and have school. At the moment he’s not really doing 50:50 as you’re sorting out nursery on his days then being available for drop off the next morning.

This is so confusing. It must be a nightmare for your child.

Nothing about this is 50/50.

He needs to leave earlier in the morning to drop to you.

I know this isn’t what you asked but it does sound like a very unsettling routine for a small child. Could you switch days so he drops at nursery?

Came on to say this.

Your poor DD. Shuttled from
pillar to post every other day. Is this really the best arrangement for her?

Tell him to set his alarm clock earlier. Hard no from me.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I’ve definitely confused things with a bit of an ambiguous OP, so apologies!!

i have messaged him back and said yes to weekends, no to midweek. I do not want to waste my energy getting drawn into a big dispute so am choosing to purely respond to his request in a direct and simple way.

realistically it’s only an issue until July as once at school the majority of pick ups / drop offs will be from there and it will be easier for me to pass on the duty of wrap around care…

Our arrangements are in no way 50:50, and he doesn’t cover a reasonable proportion of her costs. I don’t want to dwell on this as I just want to spend as much time with DD as possible and live a quiet and happy little life but I still believe in firm boundaries when necessary.

your responses have reminded me that I do have DD best interest at heart and I will continue to do so. I do want her to have a good relationship with her dad but maintain one day midweek and half the weekend would provide more quality time!

No sorry that won’t work for me unfortunately you will need to bring her home also ask him how he’s going to handle the school drop offs in the future if he needs before school club he needs to book and pay for it.

"My scheduled is built around the needs of my children, including the one we share. You will have to do the same with your schedule. I won't be altering mine to accommodate you. That said, I think it's time we looked at the random weekend days that are about your schedule, pick a day, Friday or Saturday, and make it a regular thing unless something unusual/special comes up for one of us."

He is having a laugh isn't he... at your expense...

I'd say to him and over night count is a 24hr period not this 6pm to 8am millarky so he gets out of paying for actual daytimes on the days hes counting.

I'd suggest an 830am handover every day he is counting or a 6pm handover whichever he'd prefer but then he is responsible for the full 24hr period after that handover - including nursery fees and sick days!

Given your current set up I'd suggest 830 (~nursery start) handover and the parent dropping off does the transport to drop to the other... this means...

Tuesday - your drop off at 830, he is then responsible for nursery costs on his day and to collect her.

Wednesday - he drops off at yours at 830, for your day, you're responsible for costs.

Thursday- your drop off at nursery at 830, for his day - hes responsible for nursery costs, he collects her

Friday he returns her to you at 830 for your day (- if he has her Friday night he is responsible for during the day Friday too)

Saturday you drop with him at 830 for his day he drops back to you

Sunday 830 he drops her to you for your day.

Monday is your day so you take to nursery, pay nursery fee, collect from nursery...

You can run a similar schedule for the collecting parent to do the trips but that would mean he needs to change his days / her nursery days change Or he would need to collect her from your house to take to nursery on his mornings... which we know he will love!

By making it a 24hr responsibility from drop off means yes you are dropping on Saturday- but he picks up 2 nursery days fees...

I agree with your last paragraph. I don't really agree with the assumption of 50:50 exactly for the reason it can end up disjointed and a lot of children struggle with so much back and forth. Hopefully you'll get into a position where you can get a more regular, suitable routine.

Change the nursery days or his nights so he drops off at nursery in the morning