Ex wanting me to 50% drop offs

[Nonameagain31]

My ex left at the start of the summer. in a tale as old as time, after DD arrived he did hardly any housework, didn’t do nursery drop off (hands on with DD for bed time and fun stuff).

He initially wanted 50:50 as long as he could pick up and drop off when convenient for him… He asked for 3 overnights a week from sept, which we moved to, I think 2 would be better and as he has flexible working he could pick DD up earlier, return her later so she’d actually get more quality time with her. He was staying with his mum and is now in his own place and as expected is struggling. He has now asked me to meet him at his work two mornings a week. This would be peak rush hour traffic - an hours minimum round trip. I have two secondary age kids to get out the door (both ND so need extra support) and I provide the ‘child care’ for DD on these days

For context ex pays £157, no extras (has two other kids). Nursery fees on free hours are £50a month and full day nursery is £70. I am self employed and have been fitting my work in, in 3 days plus eves and weekends.

I don’t want to, but am willing to share weekend pick up and drop offs (currently we split weekends). I provide way more than 50% care (did 75% of summer holidays and two days a week term time) So think it’s a bloody cheek he wants me to do 50% of journeys on top of this…

Looking for some emotionally detached opinions please on if I am being unreasonable to not want to drive across town to collect DD at 8:30 to accommodate ex work!

For context my older kids see their dad plenty, we split all costs and they have a lot of autonomy to come and go as suits them. There ‘contact’ schedule has evolved plenty over the years in line with their needs so it’s not a case of not valuing the role of dad.

@Nonameagain31 you do realise this isn’t 50/50?
also why is he only paying £157 is this a week or month ?
The answer is no he deals with de hos end it you will have her .

@Gingernessy he's not paying for nursery on his days though. I read it that he pays that and nursery fees come out of it.

My ex said this once.

I told him I thought moving to 50/50 on everything was a good idea and we should discuss it.

It was never mentioned again.

Thank you for everyone taking the time to respond and apologies not clear in OP.

she currently stays at dads;
Tuesday from nursery overnight home to me Weds at 8am
Thursday from nursery overnight home to me Friday at 8am.
He then has either Friday or Saturday overnight.

he has asked me to collect DD weds and Fri am at 8:30 at his work and to either collect or drop off Saturdays.

I do want to say no, but wanted to hear non emotive opinions to see if I was being unreasonable.

Agree 👆

Yes thats a good point but I expect if OP's claiming the benefits then he can't claim 85% of his childcare.
Means he'll pay for his childcare in full and she only pays 15% of hers

Why would doing that be reasonable of you, though? What justification would there be other than you making life easier for him (which isn’t your responsibility)?

Nope. He either drops her at nursery himself or he brings her back to you the night before and pays more maintenance.

Cheeky fucker.

Don’t do it

Just say something like - yeah it’s a real juggle isn’t it to get everyone where they have to be. If you can’t figure out how to drop her back at mine, let me know and we can revisit the whole arrangement. I’m too busy sorting out the other kids and my own life

His days, he sorts it simple as that

I would reply with something like:
Unfortunately, I can’t accommodate this request. Let me know if you would find it easier to return her the evening before and we can discuss adjusting the child maintenance payments to reflect the reduction in care you’ll be providing.’

YANBU at all.

It does sound like a very disjointed schedule for your DD if, as I understand it, she never stays with him for more than one night at a time? She’s being delivered from one setting to the next all week.

Just say no.

Maybe remind him that paying more CM is the cheapest childcare he's likely to get.

I once needed a babysitter to cover 7am-9am and do the school run. Cost me over £100.

It's a straight no and it's not workable either long term or for school!

Your not being unreasonable to stand your ground on it.

I once needed a babysitter to cover 7am-9am and do the school run. Cost me over £100.

£50 an hour? Over what time period?

YANBU you do the bulk of the parenting, he moved away he does all the pick up and drops unless you want to help me out occasionally by sharing at the weekends.

Be aware if you carry on doing any pick up or drop off you are setting a precedent that could be enforced in a CAO.

You could suggest he drops her to you earlier or puts her in nursery on his weekdays which he will have to pay for.

The answers ‘no’ if he has her on those days he makes the arrangements for DD to get to nursery.

Just say ‘no I can’t facilitate that, sorry but these are your days and therefore school runs would be for you coordinate.’ I’d tell him you are expecting him do the runs or a pay a nanny to do the runs.

I would suggest he changes his days, so that he drops at nursery before work - just like thousands of other parents

so he does Sunday night - drops at nursery Monday morning for example and then Wednesday night and drops at nursery on Thursday morning

That has the added bonus of you don't have to get involved and if he is late then he makes himself late and none else

No you need to be at home to deal with other dc. He will just have to get up earlier and drop back at yours before 8 if he’s not getting to work on time. Or hire someone to bring her home. Once she’s school age you need to make clear drop off after his night means at school so you have the option to work on same basis as him. He will need to pay for before school care then so now is no different. Or he can just have her for the evening and not overnight and pay more cm.

Surely, he just has to get up and leave earlier. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Like all of us do if we have a long commute and have to get dc to nursery and then to work for 8:30.

If you applied for a child arrangement order, the courts generally favour equally shared drop offs and collections so either you both meet half way or one does drop off and the other parent collects.
Do what's right for you and equally share the amount of running about, not what's easy for him. If he cannot facilitate drop offs and collections fairly then he may have to reconsider the amount of contact time he can realistically accommodate as this is part of parenting. Your CMS payments would be adjusted accordingly based around any new arrangement.

No way! This is such a classic case of no exH would ever be expected to drive round to do the nursery drop off on the Mum’s day if roles were reversed.

This is why working together as a family team would have actually been more convenient for him had he stepped up in the first place.

Why can’t his nights change? It would be more sensible if he had her from/to nursery. So, if you dropped her off to him Sunday morning, then he took her to nursery Monday morning, collected her from nursery Monday evening, had her stay, took her to nursery Tuesday morning and you picked her up Tuesday afternoon. Then if he came to yours Wednesday evening, picks her up and back to his, then he drops her at nursery Thursday morning and you pick her up Thursday afternoon. Or, something like that?

He's hilarious, isn't he.