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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think im being played

236 replies

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

OP posts:
SpiritedFlame · 06/10/2025 22:50

OP I am so sorry he has treated you in this way especially after what you had experienced before and the big discussions.

I can totally imagine it having a real knock on effect with your confidence but I wanted to say I am in awe of how you handled this. It was totally kickass and just brilliant. I know you probably don't feel it right now but genuinely go you!

Phobiaphobic · 06/10/2025 22:50

I'm so sorry, OP. Look after yourself x

onchesilbeach · 06/10/2025 22:53

Well done OP. I don’t believe a word of his story though. There is NO WAY she’s the lodger.

  1. why would a lodger be going out for the evening with his mum and sister?!
  2. Why didn’t he mention in June he had a lodger moving in if it was innocent and given you stayed over there from time to time. Only polite to let you know you might be sharing the bathroom with someone else!
  3. no late 30’s female chooses to lodge with a random man.
Delphiniumandlupins · 06/10/2025 22:55

JoBrandsCleaner · 06/10/2025 22:45

Go out with his friend.

I think the people saying the OP only has herself to blame are being unkind. She expected the same from the relationship as she was putting in - honesty. She doesn't want to remarry, live with somebody or introduce a new partner to her DC. She does want an exclusive relationship. She met someone who claimed to want the same.

She has handled his deceit admirably (and I agree, I hope she has the friend's number).

honeylulu · 06/10/2025 23:04

Well done OP.

That's not a lodger he's sleeping with casually though. He has a photo of her on his phone and they went on holiday together and she's not only been introduced to his mum and sister but knows them well enough to go out on girls nights. Whether she came before or after you, she's the GF and you've been the FWB on the side.

Horrid of him. Why agree to exclusivity when he obviously had no intention of it.

lauribec · 06/10/2025 23:35

Years ago I was seeing a lad for around 9/10 months, would spend all weekend with him and only hear off him via text during the week. He was in the army so in my head only being able to see him on weekends seemed to make sense.

My exs sister in law contacted me to ask if she could put me in touch with her friend - turns out we were both seeing the same person. I couldn’t understand how as it felt like we were in constant contact. Plot thickens as he also had an official girlfriend that he’d convinced the pair of us he’d split with.

Known this guys family all my life and his mum knew he had the 3 of us on the go and just let it slide 😂 she still comes over for a chat at the school gates haha!

You deserve so much better 🥰

Friendlygingercat · 06/10/2025 23:37

This man is treating you in the way one might treat a hobby. You have regular days and times that you put aside for the hobby. Its an mportant part of your life. But You may not share it with your wider circle and its not your whole life. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship of that kind so long as you are both on the same page. Your BF asked you to be exclusive and you have stuck to the deal. But it seems he has not and thats manipulative and dishonest.

AP3003 · 06/10/2025 23:42

if I was in your situation I would have fantasised about having a big showdown. However, in reality, I would be proud to have handled it as decisively and with the class and dignity you have shown. Inspiring!

JHound · 06/10/2025 23:44

He’s in a relationship with somebody else.

Allthatshines1992 · 06/10/2025 23:46

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

He put that women's photo on the phone. He hasn't told any of his family about you. You don't plan on living together or marrying. What's the point? He's treating you an FWB

ButterPiesAreGreat · 06/10/2025 23:47

Allthatshines1992 · 06/10/2025 23:46

He put that women's photo on the phone. He hasn't told any of his family about you. You don't plan on living together or marrying. What's the point? He's treating you an FWB

Show quote history

Read the updates.

JHound · 06/10/2025 23:47

Maybe it is just the experience of me and all the women I know, but when a man says:

He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

It almost always, no in fact always means he has another woman on the go so he needs to hide you.

Allthatshines1992 · 06/10/2025 23:50

JHound · 06/10/2025 23:47

Maybe it is just the experience of me and all the women I know, but when a man says:

He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

It almost always, no in fact always means he has another woman on the go so he needs to hide you.

Sad but true. We put our trust in people only to get played, else there would be nothing to be secretive about. He doesn't see the OP as a real long term prospect.

Allthatshines1992 · 06/10/2025 23:52

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

If I were you in this situation I'd ghost him completely. That might be something you could do and see what happens. I wouldn't continue with this person because of the deceit and the fact you mean so little to him that he'd not even bother to mention you after being involved with you for years. It'll never go anywhere, he's longing for this other woman. He's treating you as a backup.

Clytemnestra21 · 07/10/2025 00:18

OP just read your update and sending you huge hugs. What an utter dick. You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry this has happened. Please take care of yourself

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 07/10/2025 00:44

OP, you are a rock star. Well done and huge love to you. ❤️

Daygloboo · 07/10/2025 01:06

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

Wouldn't his mum.notice if she lived opposite.

CrystalShoe · 07/10/2025 01:10

Oh, this is well dodgy, OP. I am also in a casual relationship of three years. Casual defined as neither of us want to live with, or marry, anyone ever again - done all that and it was shit. He's not the right man for marriage, but since I'd rather pull my intestines out through my nose than get married again, it doesn't matter at all. We enjoy all the laughs and the great sex. It's the least pressured relationship I've ever had, so it's great fun. BUT, our families know all about us, we see each other Saturday nights, we're exclusive and consider ourselves in a relationship - it may not be serious enough to be marriage or co-habiting, but it is still a relationship. There are no times that are off-limits when we can see each other, and no way would he describe me to anyone as single. Sorry, OP. Just because you don't want to marry or cohabit doesn't mean you want something as low-quality as this.

Edit: Just seen your update. WHAT A COMPLETE KNOB! And you are a ROCK STAR for getting rid. Like I said above, a casual relationship is still meant to be a nice, sweet, romantic thing that makes you feel good. It's meant to have consideration and fidelity. Just because you aren't headed for the altar, you're still meant to behave well. You weren't FWB. You had agreed on exclusivity and no cheating, and he just broke your agreements. Honestly, you are SO much better alone.

Daygloboo · 07/10/2025 01:19

IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

So sorry OP. When you have a new relationship.make sure it is someone who doesn't exclude you from their life..

T1Dmama · 07/10/2025 01:21

You’re a better person than me @IcySwan
I’d have gone back and waited on his drive for him to come home after picking up his mum etc…. I’d have said ‘ooh I think I left my vibrator in the bedroom!’ 😂
Also if he has a lodger - a female one, surely you’d notice a tooth brush? Women’s clothes? Makeup? Women’s shampoo in the bathroom etc ??
I think he’s even lying about this tbh, she’s not his lodger, she’s just another girl he’s casual with, probably his sisters friend!

CrystalShoe · 07/10/2025 01:22

lauribec · 06/10/2025 23:35

Years ago I was seeing a lad for around 9/10 months, would spend all weekend with him and only hear off him via text during the week. He was in the army so in my head only being able to see him on weekends seemed to make sense.

My exs sister in law contacted me to ask if she could put me in touch with her friend - turns out we were both seeing the same person. I couldn’t understand how as it felt like we were in constant contact. Plot thickens as he also had an official girlfriend that he’d convinced the pair of us he’d split with.

Known this guys family all my life and his mum knew he had the 3 of us on the go and just let it slide 😂 she still comes over for a chat at the school gates haha!

You deserve so much better 🥰

Hang on, how did he have three women on the go, but seeing you all weekend every weekend, if he was in the army?!

Weightlo55 · 07/10/2025 01:31

@IcySwan well done. You trusted your instincts.

I reckon this has gone on longer though.

He'll do the same to her.
Probably lied about being cheated on and it was him.

user1492757084 · 07/10/2025 02:22

Hire a Private Investigator, or you be the P.I.
I would have sat in my car nearby for a while, Op.

All is not as it seems; all will be revealed so take care, Op.

MungoforPresident · 07/10/2025 02:27

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 01:21

I dont have keys.
Ive not let on I've had a bad feeling about any of this. He thinks all is normal.

So im here like what is my next move. Turn up tomorrow at his house unannounced, block him in silence, have it out.

I feel so stupid trusting this man. Ive let down my walls as its been so long I thought id be ok. Now at nearly 40 im wondering if I need an sti test. Its a mess.

I do not understand that you call this 'casual' but you are stressing over him. If neither of you wanted to get serious at the time, it seems likely his feelings changed and he wanted something deeper. He maybe does think of you as a friend with benefits and given the 'I don't want a serious relationship,' I would say it would be okay for him to think that way.

If you wanted more, you should have said so much sooner than three years. I do get that you agreed to be exclusive but three years is a fair length of time to be having something 'casual' and not heading anywhere. I don't see why he would introduce you to family either, if it is 'casual'. It is possible you had different understandings of what casual was. For him, it may mean no commitment.

Time changes people's needs.

Purplerubberducky · 07/10/2025 02:55

Even without the very suspicious screen saver it is clear he has no respect for you. He is using you.
you need to ask yourself what you were actually getting out of this and be honest with yourself about just how “casual” it was and if you were really happy with that.
The screen saver might be someone he has met quite recently. Either way he is a dick and has been showing you his true self when hiding you away like his dirty little secret for a reason. If he had real feelings for you he would not do that. This is no reflection on you at all though. Not in the slightest. Only him. Your life will be better without him in it!