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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AM I JUST BEING OVER SENSITIVE OR AM I A 'MUG'?

76 replies

Marshall1964 · 04/10/2025 13:06

I recently visited a 'friend' someone whom I thought was a close friend. She lives quite a distance away. The visit had been arranged for weeks (she had invited me), so she was expecting me. It was too far for me to drive there and back in one day, so I booked myself into a hotel for the night. She said she did not have enough room for me to stay at her house - she has two bedrooms, one of which was being decorated. She has stayed at my home together with her partner previously. I am a number of years older than she is and I have some health issues. It took me 5 hours to drive to her and it was exhausting for me. I took small gifts.

When I arrived, her partner was apparently at work. It was just me and her. It was evening when I got there and she had not prepared any food - not that she said she would. Therefore, we ordered a takeaway - she ordered online using her partner's account (it was through Deliveroo). It was not particularly expensive - under £30. My friend and her partner who live together, earn decent money. Once the food arrived, we began eating, but literally, as I was about to eat my second mouthful, my friend kept talking about having to immediately transfer the money to her partner's account to pay for the food and she had her phone in her hand and was on her banking app. I felt she was hinting that I should pay my half immediately, that very minute. I felt uncomfortable, so I got my purse from my bag and gave her my half which she took without the slightest hesitation.

Given that I have known her for 5 years and she and her partner have been to my house and stayed over and I've made food for them and also been out to eat, together with my husband, I was kind of shocked as neither myself nor my husband would have dreamed of hinting at them giving us money, certainly not whilst still eating! I would have offered money after eating the meal as I would not assume anyone should pay for me. I was so upset, I was in tears when I got back to the hotel I had booked, as I felt like a mug and very unwelcome. I felt insulted. It was her idea that I come down to visit. I did not invite myself. The reason I had come to visit is that we were attending a family event (her family), the following day, which we did and then I just drove home. I had to force myself to actually stay and make small talk and when I had spoken to my husband previously, on the phone, he was quite shocked at what I told him and said I should not attend the event and should just drive home. However, I felt I should still attend as I had said I would and I like to always follow through with what I say I will do.

I just wonder what other people's views are on this? I've not met up with my friend since, so not for a couple of months now. I have spoken on the phone and texted but I just don't feel the same. I would like to say to her what I think and how upset I am, but I don't know how.

OP posts:

Tillow4ever · 04/10/2025 13:10

She doesn’t sound like a friend BUT they might have money issues that you aren’t aware of? Or maybe her partner is controlling and she wanted to pre-empt a fight?

steamingin · 04/10/2025 13:12

I would have offered before it arrived, why didn't she use her own account? Sounds like she needed to transfer the money before her partner noticed/requested it. Not worth getting upset about.

Lanzarotelady · 04/10/2025 13:14

Bearing in mind you have travelled there, paid for a hotel, the least she could have done is prepared a meal, or paid for a takeaway, very rude of her to expect you to pay.

Original poster

Marshall1964 · 04/10/2025 13:15

Dear Tillow4ever, I am virtually certain that they do not have any serious money problems as I have been privy to a lot of information re their financial situation. I know they are also given monetary gifts (for no specific reason), by their respective families who are quite well off. These are gifts, not loans. I knew my 'friend's partner' prior to knowing her, so I am not aware that he is a controlling person, not at all. However, many thanks to you for taking time to read my post and for your comments. This matter has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I'm just so upset.

OP posts:

Cnidarian · 04/10/2025 13:15

I'd be concerned that there was some financial abuse going on in these circumstances as you haven't mentioned that your friend has a reputation for being tight

Mumlaplomb · 04/10/2025 13:18

I have had a similar experience with a friend and it later transpired her husband was very financially controlling.

Frankblackwife · 04/10/2025 13:18

Tightfisted I guess, what can you do.

Cherrysoup · 04/10/2025 13:19

Given she wanted the visit, you drove hours (that’s a full tank of gas for me), stayed in a hotel and she’s stayed at yours/you hosted before, I’d be a bit pissed off, can’t lie. Some might ask why she should pay for you, but I would have if I had a friend staying. Amazed no-one has yet suggested that her dp is financially abusive.

Edit: crossposted with someone who mentioned this!

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/10/2025 13:26

Its rude and if there’s no financial problem then there’s no need for it. As others have said, could the partner be financially abusive?

youalright · 04/10/2025 13:30

I think the polite thing would for her to pay since you had the cost of travel and accommodation. But you should of also offered and paid your share as soon as it was ordered. Sounds like something is definitely going on she doesn't want you staying over and shes desperate for money. You may think you know a lot about their finances but people manage to hide this stuff even from their own partners. People can be very good at hiding things. If that was a close friend I would of said jesus can I swallow first then ask if somethings wrong. I think whatever the issue is it's not about you and it's not a good time to be cutting her off. Unless you owe her money from the past that you have forgotten about.

Bellyblueboy · 04/10/2025 13:31

Marshall1964 · 04/10/2025 13:15

Unless you have been in a long term relationship with this man you would have no way of knowing if he is controlling or not. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Either your friend isn’t a real friend or she is in an abusive relationship.

I would contact her once, say you felt the visit was a bit odd and ask if everything is okay. If she brushes you off or seems confused about what you are referring to then I would distance myself.

youalright · 04/10/2025 13:36

Bellyblueboy · 04/10/2025 13:31

Unless you have been in a long term relationship with this man you would have no way of knowing if he is controlling or not. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Either your friend isn’t a real friend or she is in an abusive relationship.

I would contact her once, say you felt the visit was a bit odd and ask if everything is okay. If she brushes you off or seems confused about what you are referring to then I would distance myself.

Show quote history

Or shes a gambling addiction and her partners had to take control of the money. We know nothing

JLou08 · 04/10/2025 13:40

I think you've been oversensitive. I couldn't imagine crying and wanting to go home over this. It was one incident that may have been misinterpreted. There could be something going on in your friends or partners life that has led to friend being a bit distracted and not as welcoming as usual. It sounds like you've been friends for a while, why has this one incident meant so much to you?

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 04/10/2025 13:41

No one forced you to go.

WallLight · 04/10/2025 13:43

The weeping in your hotel thing sounds like a huge overreaction to me, but I’m assuming it was mostly exhaustion, after a five-hour drive with health issues. I think it was a bit crazy to start offering her money because she was talking about having to repay her partner for the takeaway. That’s her issue, not yours. If you felt she should have paid for the meal, you shouldn’t have offered. Why were you attending her family event? Was it something you wanted to go to, or did you feel it was an obligation?

WallLight · 04/10/2025 13:45

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 04/10/2025 13:41

No one forced you to go.

Yes. If a five hour drive is too much for you because of your health, and it sounds as if it is, then I think you need to rethink long car journeys like this.

TheFoodLife · 04/10/2025 13:46

Not cooking for you is unwelcoming. Not making the spare room available for you is unwelcoming. Making you stop eating to pay is unwelcoming.

I would assume I’m unwelcome and retreat. Disinvest from the connection.

sorry you were treated to shabbily.

MaplePumpkin · 04/10/2025 13:52

I do think it’s a bit tight of her, especially when you’ve hosted her before and cooked, paid for everything etc. She could’ve cooked or at least paid for the takeaway, considering the effort you’d been in to get there.

However, I do think you’re being a bit dramatic. She asked you (admittedly, very rapidly and abruptly whilst you were still eating) to give her your half for the takeaway. I don’t think this is something you need to be in tears over. And now calling her a ‘friend’ in quotations as if to suggest she isn’t actually a friend. And saying after she asked you to pay, you had to force yourself to stay and make small talk. And the fact this happened a couple of months ago but you’re dwelling. I do think your reaction is dramatic and to answer your question yes, you’re being over sensitive.

Polyestered · 04/10/2025 13:54

It’s not the best etiquette, and she should have hosted better if she was able. HOWEVER, being in tears over this and your reaction to it is completely OTT.

SALaw · 04/10/2025 13:58

There’s people on here all the time who are in relationships in which they would have to immediately transfer the cost of a coffee to their partner if they paid for it so I suspect that’s their set up. May be financial abuse or just the weird way they live. The crying in the hotel room and threatening to go home seems overly dramatic. You knew you were having to drive the 5 hours and having to stay in the hotel and you still went. You were fed so no starving. The only issue was that of payment and I’d say it was in the territory of roll your eyes when relaying the scenario to your partner, not crying.

Leapintothelightning · 04/10/2025 14:17

JLou08 · 04/10/2025 13:40

This! I was reading the replies and saw the results of the poll (98%YANBU when I saw it) and thought I was the only one thinking this was a massive overreaction! Yes she invited you, but it sounds like you would’ve been going there the next day anyway? You didn’t need to book a hotel - you chose to. You could’ve travelled down the next day instead. If I’m with my friends and we’re getting a takeaway, I will transfer my share as soon as the food is ordered, it’s odd to me that you didn’t. It’s a bit weird that she did it in the middle of eating but if she’s anything like me maybe she has to do things as soon as they pop into her head or else she’s forget.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/10/2025 14:21

I agree that she was rude, but your reaction (being in tears and having to force yourself to stay and make small talk) is extremely OTT.

coravantexel · 04/10/2025 14:25

I could not be arsed being friends with someone as rude and stingy as this! What a terrible host! Phase her out OP.

MinglyMadly · 04/10/2025 14:25

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking you to pay as you'd travelled to me and particularly over that distance.

If I did have money issues and wanted to go halves I would have explained that before even ordering.

And asking you to pay half as you were eating was at best clumsy at worst perhaps unintionally insulting.

You are so not being unreasonable.

SnackQueen · 04/10/2025 14:32

I think this visit has revealed the true nature of this friendship. She invited you and knew the distance, financial cost and effort you made in order to see her and attend the event yet acted very blasé about it all. That isn’t close friend behaviour. The question really is whether you want to stay friends with her now that you see the friendship isn’t as close as you thought it was. The fact you’re still hurting months later suggests it might be better to let it fade.

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