AM I JUST BEING OVER SENSITIVE OR AM I A 'MUG'?

[Marshall1964]

I recently visited a 'friend' someone whom I thought was a close friend. She lives quite a distance away. The visit had been arranged for weeks (she had invited me), so she was expecting me. It was too far for me to drive there and back in one day, so I booked myself into a hotel for the night. She said she did not have enough room for me to stay at her house - she has two bedrooms, one of which was being decorated. She has stayed at my home together with her partner previously. I am a number of years older than she is and I have some health issues. It took me 5 hours to drive to her and it was exhausting for me. I took small gifts.

When I arrived, her partner was apparently at work. It was just me and her. It was evening when I got there and she had not prepared any food - not that she said she would. Therefore, we ordered a takeaway - she ordered online using her partner's account (it was through Deliveroo). It was not particularly expensive - under £30. My friend and her partner who live together, earn decent money. Once the food arrived, we began eating, but literally, as I was about to eat my second mouthful, my friend kept talking about having to immediately transfer the money to her partner's account to pay for the food and she had her phone in her hand and was on her banking app. I felt she was hinting that I should pay my half immediately, that very minute. I felt uncomfortable, so I got my purse from my bag and gave her my half which she took without the slightest hesitation.

Given that I have known her for 5 years and she and her partner have been to my house and stayed over and I've made food for them and also been out to eat, together with my husband, I was kind of shocked as neither myself nor my husband would have dreamed of hinting at them giving us money, certainly not whilst still eating! I would have offered money after eating the meal as I would not assume anyone should pay for me. I was so upset, I was in tears when I got back to the hotel I had booked, as I felt like a mug and very unwelcome. I felt insulted. It was her idea that I come down to visit. I did not invite myself. The reason I had come to visit is that we were attending a family event (her family), the following day, which we did and then I just drove home. I had to force myself to actually stay and make small talk and when I had spoken to my husband previously, on the phone, he was quite shocked at what I told him and said I should not attend the event and should just drive home. However, I felt I should still attend as I had said I would and I like to always follow through with what I say I will do.

I just wonder what other people's views are on this? I've not met up with my friend since, so not for a couple of months now. I have spoken on the phone and texted but I just don't feel the same. I would like to say to her what I think and how upset I am, but I don't know how.

It’s not about the money. There was just no thought at all given to how much effort the OP had made here. I can’t imagine expecting a friend to drive 5 hours and then treat them like this.

I’d probably confront the friend to see if there’s a control issue and if she denies it just let her go.

You might have chosen to drive a 10 hour round trip in a single day rather than stopping over, but the vast majority of people would find that too much driving for one day, and would likely have had to leave very, very early to make it on time. So I would argue that the overnight stay was necessary. Or perhaps she should have slept in her car?

That does seem a bit mean, and yes I’d be miffed, but crying? 🙄

I have a friend who is like this, earns good money but 90% of the time has to have everything split to the nearest penny, or will won’t forget that you owe her £4. I think it’s because she grew up with four older siblings and it was only the strongest will survive.

Crying about being asked to go halves on a takeaway sounds rather melodramatic.

I think you’re under-reacting. The OP drove for 5 hours - some people don’t like driving - to her ‘friend’. Despite the fact she has housed and fed her ‘friend’ previously, there was no reciprocation. And the OP was there for the ‘friend’s’ Family. OP in your shoes I would tell her how you feel, maybe in a message in a matter of fact way.

She’s a bad friend. She couldn’t put out a plate of snacks at least? For the effort you made, she couldn’t pay £30 ? Her getting out the payment details asap was just horrible.

OP’s post reads as though this was the just final straw and resentment had been building on her part for a number of reasons.

I’m wondering if the invite wasn’t made with the intention of it actually being taken up or if it had for, any number of reasons, turned out to be awkward timing.

I wouldn’t have assumed I wouldn’t need to pay for myself, and yes, if it was her husbands money then not really fair that he covers your dinner IMO. I would generally always pay my way in this situation but the bit that is a bit harsh is not letting you stay at hers.

sounds like she may have a controlling partner so not her being an ass. Your reaction was very dramatic and out of proportion.

Her partner doesn't like you. He's probably a bit controlling and she's a wet lettuce who would rather treat an old friend like dirt. The whole thing is very unwelcoming, I think you should stop making an effort with her.

This sounds like entirely graceless behaviour. I would not be friends with this person going forward.

Very rude. You are not wrong to feel upset

There appears to be a woeful gap between your hosting style (generous and welcoming) and hers (stingy and thoughtless). You must have really valued her friendship to have become so upset over her lack of care (and manners!).

I don't think there is anything to be gained by tackling her over this matter, but I would put this down to experience and expect less from this friendship in future, if indeed you want to bother investing any further time and energy in the future. Long distance friendships are hard enough to maintain without the lack of effort i and respect from one party. Personally, I would give her a swerve in future, whatever her reasons for penny pinching, as a 'grown up' she should have tried to reciprocate some of your kindness in the past - I mean, it only takes a day or so to decorate a spare room, why do it when you were due to visit? c'mon!!

Slept in the car is a bit dramatic is it not? My point is that she was travelling for the event and probably staying over regardless of if her friend invited her the day before or not. Yes I would probably stop over but I would never have expected my friend to put me up, regardless of if I had done it for her in the past.

You literally said she didn’t need to book the hotel, she could have travelled down the next day instead. Given the events her friends family, it’s highly likely the next day’s invite was tied to the invite to stay at her friends house. It’s like you didn’t even read the OP or else your reading comprehension is terrible.

But she did all that knowingly. She knew that was the plan and she went ahead. The only thing she didn’t know about was going halfers on a takeaway, which isn’t a big deal surely? Certainly not such a big deal to be crying about it.

I'm absolutely certain I've read this from your friend's perspective, asking if she was being unreasonable not wanting her friend to stay at hers and asking them to book a hotel instead. Anyone else read it and can link to it?

I'd just like to say to anyone who is assuming I was in tears over paying for my takeaway, I wasn't. I was tearful over what I consider a complete lack of respect for me from my 'friend', ie, not even the offer of a biscuit from her. I drove for 5 hours and not a nice route, several busy motorways involved and as I've said, I have a few health issues. I am 61 years old. Also, I did not assume that I should not offer to pay for myself, but at least let me eat the food first!

I found the other thread I was thinking of, and I don't think it is your friend.

Your friend was an awful host. If I had a friend drving hours to my area, and paying for a hotel to spend time with me, I'd be offering food, wine, and a bed at the very least.

I'd not bother visiting her again, nor offer her a pace to stay or any hospitality when she's in your area again.

I would have offered to pay for my share of the takeaway at the point of ordering. It can be difficult to have to ask somebody to pay and she may have been waiting for you to offer and this is why it could have been said so abruptly.

I’d drop her. I wouldn’t treat a friend like that, and wouldn’t want to be friends with someone that stingy and thoughtless.

id drop her as a friend.

You were treated appallingly and I would consider the relationship over.
I would make no further effort and they certainly wouldn't ever be in my home again.
I can understand your upset to be treated so rudely.
I agree with your husband, you should have gone home, without any explanation.

Some people just never loose what I call that student house share stinginess. Victoria Wood called it out too - carving their initials into coffee granules. Your friend is verging in CF behaviour. If you invite someone to your home then you make them welcome. Your journey warranted a warm welcome and meal at very least, especially as you were invited.

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP, of course your tears were a mixture of tiredness, disappointment and wondering what the hell you were doing there when being treated so shoddily.

I wouldn't be letting her stay again, in fact I would step back. If you want to persue it, you could call and ask if everything was okay - given that she seemed distracted when you arrived and her anxiousness over the take away money. You don't have to worry about offending her and she clearly was not worried about making you welcome.

I've noticed a trend with hosting people, if you buy everything and cook a meal and everyone eats their fill, it is absolutely unheard of that someone pays you money for it. But if you host and it's a takeaway people offer to pay their share. After years of hosting and noting certain people dont cook because 'we'll just get a takeaway' I've stopped offering to pay my share when in their house. It's their choice to order in. I'd be happy eating anything. I'm not talking about people who are tight generally but they tend to accept my share for the takeaway but wouldn't pay their share for my groceries. I don't think it occurs to them that it's the same thing, it's just a social norm that makes no sense.