AM I JUST BEING OVER SENSITIVE OR AM I A 'MUG'?

[Marshall1964]

I recently visited a 'friend' someone whom I thought was a close friend. She lives quite a distance away. The visit had been arranged for weeks (she had invited me), so she was expecting me. It was too far for me to drive there and back in one day, so I booked myself into a hotel for the night. She said she did not have enough room for me to stay at her house - she has two bedrooms, one of which was being decorated. She has stayed at my home together with her partner previously. I am a number of years older than she is and I have some health issues. It took me 5 hours to drive to her and it was exhausting for me. I took small gifts.

When I arrived, her partner was apparently at work. It was just me and her. It was evening when I got there and she had not prepared any food - not that she said she would. Therefore, we ordered a takeaway - she ordered online using her partner's account (it was through Deliveroo). It was not particularly expensive - under £30. My friend and her partner who live together, earn decent money. Once the food arrived, we began eating, but literally, as I was about to eat my second mouthful, my friend kept talking about having to immediately transfer the money to her partner's account to pay for the food and she had her phone in her hand and was on her banking app. I felt she was hinting that I should pay my half immediately, that very minute. I felt uncomfortable, so I got my purse from my bag and gave her my half which she took without the slightest hesitation.

Given that I have known her for 5 years and she and her partner have been to my house and stayed over and I've made food for them and also been out to eat, together with my husband, I was kind of shocked as neither myself nor my husband would have dreamed of hinting at them giving us money, certainly not whilst still eating! I would have offered money after eating the meal as I would not assume anyone should pay for me. I was so upset, I was in tears when I got back to the hotel I had booked, as I felt like a mug and very unwelcome. I felt insulted. It was her idea that I come down to visit. I did not invite myself. The reason I had come to visit is that we were attending a family event (her family), the following day, which we did and then I just drove home. I had to force myself to actually stay and make small talk and when I had spoken to my husband previously, on the phone, he was quite shocked at what I told him and said I should not attend the event and should just drive home. However, I felt I should still attend as I had said I would and I like to always follow through with what I say I will do.

I just wonder what other people's views are on this? I've not met up with my friend since, so not for a couple of months now. I have spoken on the phone and texted but I just don't feel the same. I would like to say to her what I think and how upset I am, but I don't know how.

I have a friend who has tons more money than me, she actually has plenty of money but is convinced she doesn’t have much. She came to stay at my house and said “ we can go out to dinner”. I’d offered to put her up, as otherwise she’d be paying for a hotel. We went out to dinner and when the bill came she asked me for half. I would never have gone out to dinner if I’d known I was expected to pay.
Honestly, people are just so different about money and hosting, it’s incredible really.
I regard her as having a kind of money dyspmorphia.. though I know that dysmorphia isn’t the correct word as there’s no morph involved!

Your ‘friend’ sounds selfish and mean. I’m a bit confused though - it sounds as though you were there to attend an event, not specifically to visit her? If it had been a visit to see her in particular, I would expect her to arrange a date when she could accommodate you in her home. And when I have guests, I always stock up on nice food and drinks, and would definitely have a meal ready for them after a long drive. She should have done the same if she was in any considerate. It is basic hospitality to offer a visitor something to eat and drink, even if only tea and biscuits.

Whose idea was it to get the takeaway? if I suggest a takeaway to guests, I will always be happy to pay for it, as it’s an alternative to cooking them a meal. If they insist on paying or splitting the cost, I would accept but I wouldn’t suggest it. She sounds very rude to have hinted about money while you were still eating,

i can understand you being a bit upset and I would distance myself from someone like her. People who are mean with money are mean in many other ways in my experience.

There might be circumstances in which it would be OK to split a takeaway but the friend has spectacularly missed out on achieving that. Not being welcoming or considerate in any way. Making the OP feel awkward.

OP. You’re right to feel upset. But ignore this until it’s time for another visit. Then you can pointedly suggest she stay in a hotel because your room is unavailable for some flimsy reason and then offer her nothing except a shared takeaway. Or turn down any offer to visit her as it is expensive with hotel and food etc.

Misses the point spectacularly 🙄

Not at all. She was invited to the event. She was invited the day before, likely because of the event but it doesn’t mean that she was invited to both at the same time, or could do one but not the other. So it was a choice.

I was there both to specifically visit her and to attend an event with her family which she asked me to attend. It was her idea to get a takeaway. I honestly felt like just some old bag who meant absolutely nothing. I feel disrespected. She has also made arrangements on more than one occasion previously, to meet me at a venue half way between where the 2 of us live but has then not finalised the arrangements. Only once has she managed to meet me at the half way venue. The other times she made arrangements with me, the meet ups never happened. I say half way - it is nearer to her than me. Thanks for your kind words, they are appreciated.

Awww@Marshall1964 I'd be sad too. We look forward to things and seeing our friends and have a nice vision of how it might be, and then it's the total
Opposite. No wonder you were upset. Being ways from home also accentuates these types of feelings.

You've obviously been stewing on this for a while and I think you need some closure one way or another. Either by making your decision to
A) ignore, Move on and pretend it don't happen
B) feel hurt, realise the friendship is over ,mourn it and move on
Or
C) write /call your friend and tell her how you feel. How her actions made you feel unwelcome, a burden and not wanted. Talk it through with her and se what happens. At least then you will have given it your best shot.

I hope you can get some form of closure re and not let this fester. You sound like
A nice sensible and kind person and whatever happens you will meet and befriend new people in the future.

.

If they had money issues then the host could have cooked them a meal for far less than £15! I’d be quite pissed off myself as someone without much money right now to have had to pay for half of a takeaway I hadn’t planned to have. It’s basic manners to make food for a guest.

Did you peek in the spare room to see if it was being decorated ?

Well no, I didn't.

Which is why I said she doesn’t sound like a friend.

She sounds a bit thoughtless and you sound over sensitive. What was the family event? Was it a funeral, her wedding, birthday party, christening of her child? I think context is important here.

Someone's baby shower.

I think you are exceptionally nice to travel 5 hours to attend a baby shower of a family member of your friend and she should have treated you a lot better. Maybe it’s time to reconsider the friendship? Perhaps your tears were a sign that this friendship is a bit one way.

If you care about this friendship, I would talk to her and tell her how you felt (in a non-blaming way). If you don't care about the friendship, do a slow fade and stop contacting her. She sounds like she isn't that invested in your friendship. I think it's a bit weird not to feed someone who has been invited to your house for the evening.

Really - blimey another tight host. Glad my friends aren’t mean - such an awful way to be.

Who suggested the takeaway? Did you say you were hungry and suggest it? If so she might have expected you to pay, however, I would have made sure I had food on offer for you. Not everyone thinks this way. My in laws hardly ever offer us food even after we've driven hours with young DC and I find it weird but I'm sure to it so always try to eat before we get there now.

People who have financial problems don’t normally order take always. People whose husbands/partners are controlling don’t use their accounts to order take aways. They would instead cook something for much cheaper at home. I can’t imagine treating anyone that I’m hosting as rudely as this. I don’t think OP is overreacting and I would feel hurt and sad just like her. And not because I’ve had to pay £15 for a take away, but because my friend doesn’t think of me enough to offer basic hospitality. Personally I would quietly step away from this relationship without creating any drama by speaking to said friend about it and would just accept that they don’t deserve my friendship.

I think it isn’t as if she asked you directly for the money so I’d put it behind you and move on. Like you, I may have interpreted this as a hint, but that was not necessarily the case here.

I understand why you feel as you feel. You would hope that she would reciprocate but personally I think, just put it behind you if otherwise you had a nice time, enjoyed seeing your friend and there have been no other issues.

For me the transferring money to the partner is a bit of a red flag. Perhaps there’s an element of coercive control in the relationship and she’s under a tight budget? It seems odd that she would feel she would have to transfer her money to her partner. I would focus on being a friend and being wary of issues re finances within the relationship rather than taking it to heart, unless it starts to creep in as a pattern of behaviour.

I am also kinder as well in giving people chances. So often a person endures one misstep from a good friend and pulls always from the friendship completely, when otherwise things have been going well. Here, it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a quarrel, been mistreated or used, so I think the language is a bit strong for the example here.

Acknowledge and honour how you feel, be wary if a pattern emerges, but try and move on.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But at least you know how to treat her now when she comes over. Lots of hugs 🤗

To drive 5 hours, have to book a hotel room and not offered a meal but have to pay half of the cost of the take away would be the end of the friendship for me. She's tight and totally inconsiderate not the type of friends you need. I'm sure that you can do a lot better as you seem to be a far nicer person OP.

I don't know how to say this without coming across really arsey (apologies!) but you seem very determined (along with most of the rest of the thread, to be fair) to take this in the most personal fashion possible. I get that it's not about the money, it's about her behaviour/lack of consideration and reciprocity, but I guess I'm just inviting you to consider whether there's an explanation where yes, she's been rude and treated you unkindly but it isn't all about you or anything you've done or that she thinks you're an 'old bag' or anything similar. She's your friend and you know her best so you know if it's more likely she's just decided to be horrible out of nowhere for no reason then OK, but I'd just offer the observation that I have some good, long term friends who have on occasions over the years had random blind spots / emotional spirals connected to some or all of food, money, hosting, family events, partners which have caused them to behave less than ideally towards friends. Hell, I've probably behaved rudely to at least one friend at least once in my life. Because they're good friends and not horrible people I'm prepared to understand and forgive them (nb not the same as being walked all over by them or tolerating the behaviour without saying anything), and be forgiven in my turn. I'm willing to bet there's a back story or something more to it as to why she wanted you to do a 10 hour round trip to come to a family baby shower with her (why you and not her partner?), now maybe that back story is she's a selfish cow and always has been, in which case, sure, let the takeaway be the last straw and choose your friends more wisely next time. But either way I'd examine why you're reflecting her behaviour back on yourself and feeling so bad about yourself now, when certainly you've done nothing wrong here?

I've put YABU because I think you're being slightly unreasonable taking it so hard.

Some people are tight, or they are thoughtless. Or take money for granted. Or have different "rules" around this stuff.

We got sick of paying for expensive meals out and takeaways whenever we visited a certain friend so we stopped going. But I absolutely love them to bits, I didn't judge. I saw them as slightly spendthrifty, amd I couldn't keep up financially, but didn't feel resentment.

Yes agreed - don't have her stay at yours and cook food, drinks etc if she wants to visit in future. Match her energy - tell her she welcome to stay in a hotel and can come round to yours to go 50/50 on a takeaway.

She doesn't sound like the sort of person who would make the effort to do a 5 hour drive to visit the OP so i don't think she needs to worry about that!