Is this ridiculous or?

[Amiwrong101]

Ok I will jump straight in,

Had sex with boyfriend of 1 year yesterday morning. Said boyfriend left his house (I stayed for another 30 or so mins). He calls me and asks what I’m up to, I say I’ve just showered and got myself ready (I didn’t shower I had a quick wash but did not want him to judge the no shower post sex). Anyway fast forward to last night in bed he asks if I opened the bathroom window in the morning, I said no, he said did you have a shower? I said no. He said you told me you did and I said I had one when I got home - basically i was panicking that again he would judge me for not showering (I know it’s stupid but he’s made comments in the past) and he said, but you told me you went straight for a walk when you got home so which is it? I then said i had a wash at yours, I do not need to state if that was in the shower or not and yes I apologise for fibbing about showering when I got home but I was on the spot and want to maintain some dignity because I wouldn’t want you to think I’m dirty for not having a shower after sex!

anyway, he is really angry at me for “lying”. I’ve explained time and time again it isn’t a big deal I just didn’t want to feel judged for not showering but he really has taken the entire thing out of context. He then said well how do I know you went for a walk? Did you end up meeting someone? He then rolled over wouldn’t give me any affection (we had just had sex again also) and then I had the silent treatment all morning. He has since text me saying “it’s nice to see you have used your razor he’s a lucky guy”…

writing this out, the entire thing sounds ridiculous! And I apologised for telling a white lie about my washing habits but surely there should be trust there where he can say jokingly gross! No need to fib though babe no judgments from me?

ps I am 35 he is 33.

thank you

This is giving major red flags for leading into controlling behaviour from him. You haven’t done anything wrong

Honestly, I’m sure most people aren’t showering straight after sex. It’s usually before!

Break up with this horrible controlling man.

Thank you - I agree but I needed to know if I’m in the wrong or not here? I understand I told a bit of a fib but even then that’s hardly the case

Break up with him, the fact you felt you needed to lie because of comments he's made in the past, his behaviour afterwards. This will get worse. Basically he's an insecure tosser who is making you doubt yourself rather than being a funny supportive companion.

Have a think about whether you are really 'you' with him or have you been changing your behavoiur?

Frankly, dump him.

It's concerning that you felt you had to lie in the first place, you've not been together long and you're already worried about how he's going to react. Judging by his reaction you were right and I'd be breaking up with him.

OP, the reason your BF is angry with you for lying is that he doesn’t know what else you may be being less than truthful about. Suppose this were the other way round - a man had lied about having a shower - everyone here would be saying, red flag. What I want to know is why on earth you lied in the first place - if you thought he would think you are grubby for not having a shower, then just have one - or say, no I didn’t have a shower because I didn’t have time. But don’t lie about it. If he makes you feel that you need to lie, then that is a problem.

I understand where you are coming from, and I did apologise to him and explain it’s because he has made judgy comments before about me not showering like before we get into bed. I just didn’t specify that I’d had a “wash” rather than a shower. It was for my own dignity really as still in a new relationship I wouldn’t want to feel judged by him, however I feel me apologising is enough and the trust should be there to understand my silly reasons behind it

You’ve been together for a year so I wouldn’t say it’s a new relationship.
Sadly there’s so many worrying things here, you’re afraid to be honest with him because you’re worried about him judging you- that’s not healthy. You need to be able to feel like yourself with your partner, not feel the need to lie.

He’s worrying if you lie about small things like that then what else are you worrying about and he’s jumped to the worst case scenario. He also sounds quite controlling.

If you want to stay in this relationship then next time don’t lie about things. If he doesn’t like your response then so be it, he doesn’t need to like everything about you and you don’t need to like everything about him.

Well, you told a lie and got caught out, I'm not surprised he was a bit pissed off that you lied to him. But the comments about you meeting someone else and implying you're cheating are a bit much. Is he normally like this?

Thank you - understood.

He has told some lies in the past, ie he was on the phone to his mum at night (he wasn’t) he wasn’t responding to me for a while cos he was taking the bins out (he wasn’t) and he told me he fell asleep when we were supposed to have a phone call and he left a pizza burning in the oven (again more lies) so I feel the audacity to call me out on not telling him I had a wash and a shower then acting like this is a bit of a contradiction on his part.

in my eyes it’s still a new relationship. He has not met my DC’s, and I was with my ex partner for 11 years. I feel over the course of the year we are taking it slow and getting to know one another so for me it still is very much new

The Silent Treatment is a recognised form of abuse.
His Nice Guy facade is starting to slip.
Time to bow out op..
Before he gets dangerous.

Yes, he’s always like this.

i don’t see why he needs to be pissed off though, as I just didn’t specify that I had a wash. I get it I told a fib but it’s not worth being a complete arse, giving me the silent treatment and then accusing me of shaving because I’m seeing someone else

Was your last relationship abusive and controlling in any way, OP? If so, and you haven't done the work to figure out why you stayed, it may not be surprising that you've ended up with another gigantic piece of shit.

Even if your last relationship and your last partner were perfect, this one very clearly isn't. He's waving an absolute torrent of red flags. I wouldn't want to see my daughter with anyone like that. In your place, I would be dumping pronto and not listening to any pleas, promises or excuses. You are worth far more than this.

I would worry he is projecting. Especially of accusing you of lying g over something so trivial. Then ignoring you.
Do you suspect he could be cheating?

He's dodgy as fuck. Clearly a very dishonest person who thinks everyone is similar to him.

You need to get rid of him immediately. He sounds unhinged. Comments about using a razor? And you felt the need to lie about what type of bathing you did? Then he pulls you up on it and equates it with you having a torrid affair?

Money's on the fact he's cheating.

I had an ex like that, who would get really upset or annoyed for ridiculous things I did or didn't do. This would push me to lie to avoid conflicts, for absolutely petty things, but if found out would turn into me being the worst untrustworthy person ever.

Obviously in hindsight he was just controlling and manipulative.

@Amiwrong101 remember WHY you were lying in the first place. And does it happen for other things?

It feels like he asked those questions to catch you at fault. Whether you lied or not, you would have been wrong, because the only way out was to do what he asked.

My last relationship was not controlling nor abusive.

i am actually in therapy at the moment so I am working on myself, my self worth and my boundaries.

I do understand I shouldn’t feel the need to tell a white lie, but I did and i am now being punished for it. I have told him I will not be engaging in conversation no more should he carry on speaking to me in this way, and I also stated I will not be held accountable for not being specific on my washing habits and I reminded him that I apologised for making him feel uneasy in the moment.

thank you everyone x

Ps it has crossed my mind that he is cheating. I’d be surprised if he was, but the level of projection is not healthy. I have of course said this to him but of course he denies and gets pretty angry!

'i will not be held accountable for not being specific on my washing habits' is bang on. This is a tiny white lie that makes no difference to anything, it's very weird that he's questioned you in the first place and then escalated that in the way it has.

Massive red flags!! He is abusive and not hiding it well! He has you lying because you’re worried about his reactions and then punishes you when he perceives you have done him wrong. Get out now while you can!!

Have no idea why you had to lie about shower g - and if it’s neem an issue before either he’s got a thing about cleanliness or maybe you do need to shower more, but his inquisition about what you did after he left (was the window left open? Is that a security issue?) is a red flag for sure. He’s a creep. Cut him loose.

Really, please just block all contact.
All thos weird q’s, was he actually spying on you & trying to get you to lie?
Why does he need to know when you walked?
Whats the sarcy shaving comment for?
He sounds nasty.

Lying about small things is considered red flag (in men).

however his reaction is also a red flag (a much bigger one)

What is it they say? Every accusation is a confession.

Get rid.