Is this ridiculous or?

[Amiwrong101]

Ok I will jump straight in,

Had sex with boyfriend of 1 year yesterday morning. Said boyfriend left his house (I stayed for another 30 or so mins). He calls me and asks what I’m up to, I say I’ve just showered and got myself ready (I didn’t shower I had a quick wash but did not want him to judge the no shower post sex). Anyway fast forward to last night in bed he asks if I opened the bathroom window in the morning, I said no, he said did you have a shower? I said no. He said you told me you did and I said I had one when I got home - basically i was panicking that again he would judge me for not showering (I know it’s stupid but he’s made comments in the past) and he said, but you told me you went straight for a walk when you got home so which is it? I then said i had a wash at yours, I do not need to state if that was in the shower or not and yes I apologise for fibbing about showering when I got home but I was on the spot and want to maintain some dignity because I wouldn’t want you to think I’m dirty for not having a shower after sex!

anyway, he is really angry at me for “lying”. I’ve explained time and time again it isn’t a big deal I just didn’t want to feel judged for not showering but he really has taken the entire thing out of context. He then said well how do I know you went for a walk? Did you end up meeting someone? He then rolled over wouldn’t give me any affection (we had just had sex again also) and then I had the silent treatment all morning. He has since text me saying “it’s nice to see you have used your razor he’s a lucky guy”…

writing this out, the entire thing sounds ridiculous! And I apologised for telling a white lie about my washing habits but surely there should be trust there where he can say jokingly gross! No need to fib though babe no judgments from me?

ps I am 35 he is 33.

thank you

I’d say ‘Oi, listen up, whether I showered, washed with a flannel or bathed in a puddle is of no fucking concern to you. I didn’t shower but told you I did because you get fucking weird, like you’re doing now. I’m not shagging someone else on the side but if you continue to act like a stroppy, controlling dickhead, I’ll call it a day and make no mistake about that.

Then go from there. I’m staggered at the shit women put up with on here. Tell him how things are going to go from here, and don’t be ashamed of not showering FFS. He’s not your Mum and you’re not a child.

He sounds hard work - another one for the bin!

Why do we women even consider the idea of tolerating this sort of crap?

I'd have The Ick if my sexual partner had poor hygiene. I wouldn't want them to know as it's humiliating but it would be over for me in the very early days - this happened, is not hypothetical.

Similarly I'd dump him straight off no discussion for the razor / cheating accusation.

Life is too short for putting up with this crap. Leave him.

The thing is, I don’t! I shower twice a day. I’m always clean, but in the past if I’ve already showered that day ie in the morning and I haven’t done any exercise nor had sex and I get into bed he may comment and say eww you not showering? Well no I’m not because I’m clean and I’m tired and we are going to sleep!

@Amiwrong101 i could have written something similar a few years ago! So my ex liked me to stay up late to chat to him on his first break on his first first night shifts (something I increasingly struggled to stay awake for). On one particular day I was going to be doing a 36 hour fast and working FT still and just knew I’d be too shattered to stay awake just so I could grab a few snatched word to keep him company on his 10pm break the next day. So I told him I knew the fast would make me very tired especially as it would be a day in the office not wfh which is an 3hr round trip and I’d be going to bed early probably 9pm and ‘apologised’ for not staying up for him. I hoped he’d say no worries and want me to rest but he got all huffy and cut our call short.

Anyway the next day, I wfh (I said I was driving to office to just empathise how tired I’d be as otherwise he just wouldn’t believe me I could be tired from working all day and not eating for a day and a half!). So come the evening call, he asks if I got to work okay and I just said yes. Then he told me he’d driven by my home (he lives 30 mins away and I’m not on his route to work), and that he knew I hadn’t gone to work as my car was there. I pacnicked and said my friend had driven me. It was all ridiculous and got of hand and he accused me of having been elsewhere with another man etc even though I said I had proof I was at work as I’d given a presentation and had the feedback amd emails received and sent by me but nope he was admanant I was up to something. It was at that point I realised I had to break up as I was with a man I had to exaggerate my circumstances about to justify why I was unable to do certain things in his terms eg his insistence I stay awake till 10pm to chat to him when I’d been up 6am already I later thought was quite controlling and not a loving request from him, I think he wanted to check I wasn’t anywhere else. Btw we didn’t live together.

Sonce we got together despite me not allowing him to even have sex until 3 months later becisenofnjow cautious I am and in real life quite introverted and quiet, in his head I’m a man eater?! And I was constantly accused of gettin* yo to all sorts when all I ever did inbetween seeing him was read in my pyjamas lol. If I had to go stay away for a work event I’d get the silent treatment as he couldn’t understand what I could possibly be contributing and it must just be gong for a jolly with the guys 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Anyway, I let this roll for 2 years before I ended it, OP I’d get out now.

Ok mismatched hygiene then. He sounds horrible though please get rid of him

Fucking hell, what a weirdo. It would put me right off him.

Definitely dump this one

He's controlling to the point you feel you need to lie to him to avoid him being nasty; he's using the silent treatment; and at only a year in you think he may be cheating. Throw this one right back!

Get the hell out now. That behaviour is not normal. How he's jumped from you lying about not having a shower to cheating is beyond me and not normal. Seriously get out now before you're more invested and it's harder.

He’s a weird controlling idiot.

Dump him now, or you’re effectively saying you’ll put up with this behaviour.

Don’t.

He sounds like a psychopath OP

Yes, he’s always like this

So he's always jealous, possessive, controlling, withholds affectionand gives you the silent treatment?

Why have you stayed with him for a year?

Bloody hell he sounds like a 15 year old schoolboy, not a 35 year old man. I would be dumping this loser asap

Dump him!!!! Especially if you’ve got kids. Imagine them feeling the way he makes you feel (anxious, defensive, walking on eggshells).

Unless you want to spend your life accountable for your every movement then dump this man.

What was that comment of "nice to see you used your razor he's a lucky guy" ??? Is he implying you're having an affair with someone else?

He sounds very controlling and doesn't trust you. You feel judged to the point of lying which affirms his distrust. What is the point of continuing in this relationship? It sounds horrible.

The thing is that he is controlling because he wants to decide when you should shower. When you then get rebellious, and dont' shower, you feel the need to lie as a result. THIS is the red flag.

And I bet it's not the only thing.

Perhaps he doesn't think anyone should drink fizzy drinks. So you don't drink them around him and sneak them.

Perhaps he claims he's been cheated on in the past so he likes you to text him when you're out in the evening "for his own peace of mind" and then, if you miss one, you find yourself making excuses becuase it's easier than admitting that you were just knee deep in tequila shots.

Perhaps he doesn't like it if you have male colleagues or friends so now, if you go for lunch with mary, Henry and Dave from the office, you say you had lunch with mary.

He thinks he has the right to dictate when you shower.

He is checking your razor to see when you use it.

He is overreacting to a disagreement about a nuance in the language you have used in a phone call.

He is withdrawing affection to punish you.

He is lying to you on a regular basis and you don't feel able to challenge him about it.

You are in a coercive-controlling relationship. You may be a victim of other abuse without even realising it.

Read about coercive control or do the Freedom Course Online. You need to leave this relationship your self-esteem is so low and you are so isolated and dependent on him that you are trapped.

You deserve better than this

Run...the hills are over there...who wants to date a control freak? He just sounds utterly exhausting and abusive, and will chip away at your self esteem for as long as you let him. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, and not make it difficult. He sounds very paranoid and challenging so leave now, and don't look back.

The bathroom window question seems oddly specific. Any chance he has a camera in his place?

I think it was his leading question to question me if I had used the shower

he has been an absolute pig today, bully actually so I think it is clear we are finished.

I think you are both incompatible with each other. He likes for you to shower before bed and after sex/get up in the morning. And that's not how you do things. The fact that you had to lie about it means that you will always feel that way around things that you don't agree on or he feels differently about.

Goodness me. He sounds horrendous. You should enjoy spending time together not be questioning your every move /checking what you say so he doesn’t kick off.

There’s a ton of red flags. Please be careful when you finish with him.

You are worth more than this.