Is this ridiculous or?

[Amiwrong101]

Ok I will jump straight in,

Had sex with boyfriend of 1 year yesterday morning. Said boyfriend left his house (I stayed for another 30 or so mins). He calls me and asks what I’m up to, I say I’ve just showered and got myself ready (I didn’t shower I had a quick wash but did not want him to judge the no shower post sex). Anyway fast forward to last night in bed he asks if I opened the bathroom window in the morning, I said no, he said did you have a shower? I said no. He said you told me you did and I said I had one when I got home - basically i was panicking that again he would judge me for not showering (I know it’s stupid but he’s made comments in the past) and he said, but you told me you went straight for a walk when you got home so which is it? I then said i had a wash at yours, I do not need to state if that was in the shower or not and yes I apologise for fibbing about showering when I got home but I was on the spot and want to maintain some dignity because I wouldn’t want you to think I’m dirty for not having a shower after sex!

anyway, he is really angry at me for “lying”. I’ve explained time and time again it isn’t a big deal I just didn’t want to feel judged for not showering but he really has taken the entire thing out of context. He then said well how do I know you went for a walk? Did you end up meeting someone? He then rolled over wouldn’t give me any affection (we had just had sex again also) and then I had the silent treatment all morning. He has since text me saying “it’s nice to see you have used your razor he’s a lucky guy”…

writing this out, the entire thing sounds ridiculous! And I apologised for telling a white lie about my washing habits but surely there should be trust there where he can say jokingly gross! No need to fib though babe no judgments from me?

ps I am 35 he is 33.

thank you

Stop minimising 'it was only a fib'. It was a lie, you get caught out. I don't like the way he reacted but you have to own your actions.

and I apologised for making him feel uneasy and wording it in the way that I did..

Fib, white lie, massive porkie....call it what you like. The point is that you felt unable to just tell him the truth in the first place, because you knew he'd be arsey. Honestly, bin him off. Who needs that shit in their life?

These comments are weird this is textbook for a controlling partner - gender whatever! I’ve been through it and follows the usual pattern. He’s just controlling - he wants you to be working for forgiveness and approval. Don’t be like me where you have to end up videoing yourself as you do day to day things to ‘prove’ you’re not lying.

Just dump him, he will only get worse. Leave now while you can

Be careful not to be sucked bakc in with an apology and a pormise that he will never do this to you again.

Standard behaviour when they realise you are ending it is to backtrack, take the blame and promise the moon on a stick if you will just give them another chance. Every time this happens, you get sucked in deeper and it gets harder and harder to get away.

Remember that what he has already done is good enough reason to walk away. You don't owe him another chance.

Well if a man lied this to start women would be saying red flag do not trust him if he lies about this what else would he be lying about you need to end it now

Your partner is a total arsehole and if I were you I would run for the hills. All the people saying “Well, if you lied about this, that else would you lie about?” seem to be missing the point that it is not fucking normal for a partner, male or female, to be inspecting his bathroom to verify a statement that was utterly inconsequential in the first place.

If you’d said “Just having a quick cup of tea before I go home” and he’d said “I checked the mugs in the dishwasher and I don’t think you used one, why did you lie, you must be having an affair” because you said ‘a cup of tea’ when you actually meant ‘a can of Coke’.

Apart from his insane behaviour, it also worries me that your reason for lying was because you thought he’d think you were dirty/gross simply because you didn’t shower before going home on one occasion after you’d had sex. I don’t think most people would expect to be judged for that by their boyfriend of a year. Most men wouldn’t even give this a second thought, yet alone judge their partner for it, or at the most would just assume you’d shower at your own house instead. A significant number of men would actually find it very sexy that you didn’t wash away any evidence of what they’d done with you before you went home.

Is your boyfriend someone who would tell you it was gross / disgusting? Are you generally worried about him judging you? This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship; he sounds horrible.

And this is a candidate to share your life with you?

Strange way to live but if that floats your boat who am I to judge.

Dump him please. He will never change and will escalate.

Msssive red flag. Get rid.

This is who he is.
He might be able to pretend to be decent for long enough to reel you back in, but THIS is the real him.
He's already got you telling fibs to keep him sweet. Get away before it gets worse.

He will sometimes make a comment if I don’t shower before getting into bed (even if I’ve had one in the morning cos I shower at least 1x per day) and say eww are you not having a shower? So for me it’s protecting my own dignity by saying I’d showered, when I’d just had a quick wash and a shower at mine a little later so yes I absolutely feel paranoid that I’m being judged.

He does sound controlling but it seems stupid that you're telling such needless lies. In your next relationship I'd look at telling the truth more, even if it doesn't present you in the perfect light.

You need to end this and I don't say that lightly. He sounds like an absolute nutter and I'd say the same if the roles were reversed.

The 'needless lies' are because OP is scareds of his reaction if she told him the truth. Policing his partner's washing/showering arrangements is a massive red flag. OP has said that she normally showers twice a day and that she is clean and doesn't smell. It is none of his business but OP isn't comfortable with telling him that because he reacts so badly.

It was not a needless lie. I did not specify how I washed, it’s no one else’s business how I was myself.

@Amiwrong101 the issue boils down to you feeling anxious about being judged by the person who should love you. There should be no need to have to lie to him. The fact that you feel you had to lie is what’s worrying. Not the lie itself.

Yes, he’s always like this.

Right. So he's not having a one-off wobbly about a white lie, he's a controlling creep, and you need to dump him. No wavering, no giving him the benefit of the doubt.

It'd be goodbye from me.

It doesn’t matter if you were fibbing or not. The relationship is not a court if law and he isn’t the judge and you aren’t the defendant.

Get out now now NOW because you are already i a weird, abusive, cycle.

The thing is, it wasn’t even intentional that I said I’d showered. As I’ve already mentioned I shouldn’t have to justify in my wording HOW I bathed myself! Anyway, he’s saying it’s not about that now it’s the fact I “lied” but again, not intentional just a mismatch of words being turned into something it is not.

Anyway thank you for everyone’s comments I knew I mostly was not in any wrong here, just needed some validation x

So now he's moving the goalposts. He'll constantly shift the argument, keep you wrong footed. And wondering what it is you have to say to convince him. But whatever you say it will never be enough.

He is angry at you for ‘lying’ because he knows that when he lies it is to cover up whatever he is doing that you wouldn’t like.

Who cares whether you showered or not? He wasn’t even there so how would it affect him and why is he grilling you about it?

Controlling, petty, bullish behaviour. Get rid OP please as it will only get worse.

He sounds really unpleasant. He’s making you insecure, and he’s doing it on purpose. Please leave this awful man.