What do you think of this living situation with PIL? Living next door :/

[Crowde]

Dh and I are looking for our first home outside of London. I’m 30, Dh is 33.

A creative suggestion has been put forward and I am very torn.

PILs have a bungalow on a very large plot in my ideal location - the outskirts of a very pretty (and desirable/expensive) market town that has a train st within walking distance. It’s very quaint but extremely connected. They have been granted permission to build a three build, two storey home. They were going to sell the plot to a builder but have offered it to us. The plot is 0.7 acres. It would be split in half.

PILs are very respectful and certainly wouldn’t be dropping in without notice. But it just seems far too close for comfort.

What do you think? We would end up living in a house and location we otherwise simply could not afford. Dh thinks we would be mad to turn it down in this economy.

I wouldnt have an issue. Even if it didnt work out you could sell and give in-laws value of the land.

Are they going to sell the land to you and you build on it?

Also are you planning to have children?

What are the longer term plans? How old are your in-laws and are you likely to end up with a burden of being their carers due to proximity?

yes, we would build

In laws are fit and in their mid 60s.

Yes I would do it.

I couldn’t, my in laws are absolutely wonderful people, I get on great with them, but living next door is too much, just would feel like there was never any privacy and would need to be “on” constantly, even if it wasn’t true I think I’d still have that feeling

I would 100%

We can just about afford a very small but somewhat depressing house in the new build estate around the corner.

We do it. I am a very handy babysitter and source of emergency supplies.
They come and go here as they please but we message first and always knock. We see them lots for a natter over the fence in summer but not very often in winter.

I’d do it.

I was thinking about future babysitting as well….

I would as long as you know you have that relationship where they won’t be a pain!! Would the plot also be well laid out that if PIL sell, you won’t be affected by new neighbours?

But be prepared they might not want to!

No. My in-laws are wonderful people. They rent out the house next to theirs as an AirBnB, and we stayed there for a period of time when we were saving for our own house, and then again after DD was born. Hugely generous of them. But we still have issues arising from the (IMO) unhealthy physical closeness. It's just too difficult to maintain boundaries.
Prior to our living there, we had a very good, healthy relationship. But while we lived there they wanted to have meals together several times a week, would get in a mood whenever we didn't want to hang out with them, started sharing their opinions and advice on virtually every aspect of our lives, would let themselves into the flat we were staying in (so inadvertently walked in on me in my underwear or breastfeeding fully boobs-out), made several decisions regarding our DC without consulting us (e.g. started our 3mo on solids, would kindly offer to take the baby for a couple of hours and I'd find her asleep, swaddled, on her tummy - after the second time I declined their babysitting offers!)
Years later our relationship has never fully recovered and there's a good bit of resentment on both sides that I don't think either of us anticipated going in.
I wouldn't recommend it.

Not a fucking chance!

Really hard to extricate yourself from in the future. No matter how boundaried people are I would not live so close to in-laws (or my own family). I live walking distance from some but a good walk!

We did this. Best thing we ever did.

Could I live next door to my mum? No way. But my mother in law is perfect.

Yes! Definitely do it …

Absolutely not. I would never live so close to relatives - whether mine or in laws. It's just a recipe for disaster and for them to start interfering in your life.

They’ve expressed excitement and enthusiasm for doing so. MIL is desperate for grandkids. Thankfully

Why not? It's a fantastic opportunity to build something to your own specs. As long as there's mutual respect for privacy/boundaries I'm sure it will work out fine. You will presumably be at work during the day, making dinner and crashing out in the evenings etc.

The first thing that springs to mind is, if after a decent time to bed things in, you both feel it's not working out, surely you can sell the house and move on. Remember the ILs were going to sell it to strangers anyway before offering it to you, so you wouldn't be doing anything they wouldn't have done themselves!

Best of luck, great opportunity these days so I'd grab it with both hands and wouldn't let go! Try and get the house built with enough attic space to convert if needed in the future, if the plans allow. Futureproofing for all those future kids. 😊

Blimey, I'd do it! .7 of an acre is huge, it's not as though you'd be semi detached, is it!

Does DH have siblings? If so- how will the finances work/split with them? If an only child and the houses are very far apart, I'd consider it. Could the new house be built to face a different road, so you aren't literally next door to each other but around the block at least?

It would be FAR too close to my own PIL's, but mine are older and we don't get on very well though.

SIl and BIL moved in next door to PIL. All fine whilst they were getting years of free childcare and everyone was well. There was a lot of boundary overstepping though and BIL biting his tongue because beholden, he knew which side his bread was buttered.
The DC grew up and became teens. PIL still encroaching on every aspect of their lives. Certainly no special relationships there, just frustration and over familiarity. They eventually went to uni leaving two frail elderly GP who now expected payback big time! Poor SIL was run ragged all hours of the day and night. FIL passed and MIL became highly dependent. On the verge of a breakdown SIL acted and MIL is now in a care home.
Her one big regret despite all the ‘wins’ in the early days is moving in next door and she says she would never let her DC do that. It’s left a very bad taste.
Think long term. One day they will be older, dependant, one left alone.
No chance.

Absolutely go for it but just make sure its all yours and theres no clauses about who owns what etc