What do you think of this living situation with PIL? Living next door :/

[Crowde]

Dh and I are looking for our first home outside of London. I’m 30, Dh is 33.

A creative suggestion has been put forward and I am very torn.

PILs have a bungalow on a very large plot in my ideal location - the outskirts of a very pretty (and desirable/expensive) market town that has a train st within walking distance. It’s very quaint but extremely connected. They have been granted permission to build a three build, two storey home. They were going to sell the plot to a builder but have offered it to us. The plot is 0.7 acres. It would be split in half.

PILs are very respectful and certainly wouldn’t be dropping in without notice. But it just seems far too close for comfort.

What do you think? We would end up living in a house and location we otherwise simply could not afford. Dh thinks we would be mad to turn it down in this economy.

It could be the best or the worst situation. From what you say, I think they'll be okay, respectful of boundaries.
You can always move if it doesn't work out.
I have always lived close to family, dh is happy here as an inlaw.

Just watch a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond… would be a no for me although I love my PIL very much.

No way would I do this. I have good in laws (no toxic behaviours, generally respectful of boundaries) but having children changes your relationship with your in laws in ways you can't imagine.

Me and husband previously lived a good distance from our in-laws but moved to the same village and it's too close for comfort. I had so many issues at the start with unannounced visits and social expectations (which also put strain on my relationship with my husband) which I spoke up on in the end because quite frankly I couldn't live the rest of my life that way.

The boundaries have been respected which I appreciate but I find our relationship isn't the same. I previously had a really nice authentic relationship with my MIL but the reality is despite the boundaries I've put in place she's still slightly more involved in my life than I'd like her to be and it means I no longer enjoy the relationship like I used to or feel like it's an authentic one. It's sad to be quite honest.

I'd bite their hand off, yes! As long as the land gets transferred into your and DH's names though BEFORE you start building. If not, you'll end up with an unsellable house!

My in-laws moved next to their dd, everything was fine until fil died and mil became increasingly needy. Sil is unable to say no and has become overwhelmed and feels trapped and her inability to say no has put more demands on the rest of us, she complains bitterly about how unfair it all is -It’s an absolute disaster. Mil is a very different person to who she was 20 years ago. You may think this is a good deal but you will pay the price eventually.

Jump at it. You won’t get another offer as good.

From that point of view, what if you wanted to move later on? Would they be happy having the house there with someone else living in it?

Could you discuss some possible boundary rules with them if you were to live next door and guage how well they are received. Also mention to them that it’s unlikely to be your forever home but could be a good solution for a few years. It sounds like financially it’s a good stepping stone but I would also have some reservations

Id go for it. My DD lives 5 doors down from me and its lovely. We can go days without seeing them but quite often they drop in for a cuppa at the weekend and we feed their cats and take in parcels when necessary. Yes there might come a time when they help us more than we help them but thats families for you.

Are you experienced project managers for a build?

My concern would be keeping a handle on the timescales and costs of building a new house.

Do it. It's very common in NI to do this . And not just one family. Not unusual to see a compound like situation . Everyone gets the advantage of a desirable site on which to self build . But for legal reasons all boundaries are Land Registered
Childcare will be an added bonus but be prepared that elder care might also be expected.

@Crowde the biggest problem is not having open and honest conversations before you make any decisions. These can be difficult and need you to really think about them. Examples:

• If MIL died and FIL went into a home what would happen to their home?
• If FIL had a stroke or dementia and needed personal care who would provide it? And vice versa.
• Elder care - shopping, cleaning, appointments etc. how much are you willing to do? how much would DH do?
• What would happen if DH was sadly killed in a car accident? Would you need to sell the house?
• What happens if you and DH divorce? What are you entitled to from the house?
• Have you all had independent legal advice and made wills, LPAs and done a deed of trust?
• How will you respect each other’s privacy?
• What are your views on how to raise children, on DNRs, elder care etc.?

Really think about the next 40 years as each of you age and life events happen - happy and sad. This long running thread might be an eye opener in-terms of elder care.https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderlyparents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=8&reply=147187072

How would they feel if you sold the house and moved fairly soon after it was built?

I cannot stress enough that they need to sell you the land at market value. Use proper lawyers and everything. That way if you want to sell in 10 years you can.

Buy the land from them, both parcels if you can because it's in a good area so it will hold its value or increase. You would be crazy not to do so.